Emotional abuse and neglect (TRIGGERS, maybe)

[schrödinger's cat]

I had a small epiphany today. I was thinking about emotional abuse and neglect, wondering why it's so hard for me to move out of denial.

That's the difficult thing about dealing with emotional neglect and emotional abuse - it's so easy for everyone to minimize and trivialize it. "Now you're overreacting." - "You simply just have to grow a thicker skin." - "You're oversensitive." - "Oh, well, yes, I can see how this-and-that wouldn't be precisely pleasant, but just stop dwelling on it and it will pass. You simply just have to look on ahead and focus on doing your duty, that will make you happy enough." In extreme cases, people even adopt an attitude of self-righteously wounded innocence: "I only said this one little thing! And now you're giving me all that grief for that?! What, won't I be allowed to say anything around here?!" Or my favourite: "You're only crying to make me feel guilty!"

On a grander scale, you see it in social groups who have caused or are causing other groups significant distress. You always, always, always get people in a self-righteous huff about "how those XYs are STILL going on and on about THAT little thing that happened so long ago and was really quite insignificant". The disadvantaged group can't even once simply talk about "see, this is what it's like for us, this is what we go through", without someone from the other group pouncing in and pretending it's all about THEM.
"You're attacking us!!"
"No, we're just talking about our daily lives."
"I know better! This is an attack!!"
"It isn't... you see, talking about their daily lives is what people do..."
"ATTAAAACK!! ARGH! MY FEELINGS! THEY ARE BEING TRAMPLED ONNN!"
"Please listen... what's happening is harming you, too..."
"Ah? Oh. Yes. Yes, it does, coming to think of it. Hah! Oh, this is so much better. Alright, carry on. Talk about my sufferings. Go on."
"Er, we were just talking about our..."
"But that doesn't matter, weren't you listening?"

That is a part of abuse. It's a way of thinking that causes abuse.

In order to admit that yes, they hurt you, they would first have to accept your side of the story as relevant. And to them, it isn't. You don't matter. Your feelings don't matter. Your opinion is always, always inferior to theirs, always erroneous. Your experiences don't matter. Your rights - well, they matter a little, maybe, but theirs matter so much more. And so they cannot and won't ever see your side of the story. After all, they can live with having caused you pain - so why can't you?! It's so easy! What they did and said was this little thing that was so easy to do. It didn't upset them in the least. It made them feel good about themselves. Patronizing you made them feel like they were above you. Excluding you made them feel all the more like they were insiders. Withdrawing from you gave them a feeling that they were in control of their own lives: uncomfortable truths could be silenced, it was marvellous! All of this was easy to do. It didn't upset them in the least. It often gave them a sense of pleasure, of control, of well-being. Therefore the thing wasn't upsetting. If they can live with the abuse they gave you, why can't you?! After all, it's so obvious to them that those were simply small, harmless things! Why on earth do you refuse to see?

And THAT is why they abused you in the first place. They never looked at you and saw another human being. They never saw you. Oh, they saw someone - a cliché, a two-dimensional figure straight from out of a cheap cartoon. They never had a real relationship with you. What they had instead was a series of triggers. Such-and-such an action on your part would trigger this-and-that abuse on their part. What you explained, what you asked, what you signalled them, that never even registered. If it did, it was quickly brushed aside.

They mattered. You never did. You never even existed, not as a complex human being with opinions worth considering, information worth having, feelings worth a simple, ordinary amount of respect and consideration. Your trauma made you feel like you were insignificant not because you're oversensitive, but because that's how they treated you.

And THAT is why they're idiots.

You matter. You matter so much. Your feelings count. Your opinion counts. Your actions make a difference. Your inner world is unbelievably rich and deep and vivid. True, maybe you're totally out of touch with yourself. Maybe you're numb, maybe you can't even feel the slightest thing, maybe the littlest opinion is hard to come by. But that doesn't mean it's gone. It's all still there, pushed out of reach, probably dinged up and squished and full of cuts and bruises. But it's all still there. It's waiting for you to come back. EFs are proof that this is true. Every EF is a message from your true self. It's like a little kid showing you a bruised elbow, going "look!" and trusting you to work it out.

And yes, EFs are overwhelming and horrifying. But they're a proof that you're still there. No matter what your abusers taught you to think: as long as you're having EFs, you can be very sure that a great (and subconscious) part of you knows EXACTLY what happened, knows the PRECISE truth of the matter, and WILL work as your advocate and champion in the only way it knows how. By elbowing you in the ribs. Hard. But this is a bit like having been in a grave accident, and waking up to find your legs are in so much pain, and your doctor going: "...pain? Great! Whoo-hoo!" You're excused if you think he's insane. But you see, as long as you're in pain, that means your spine isn't broken. As long as the EFs are there, that means your self-advocacy isn't dead. You're not dead. You're not even gone; not completely.

And you're coming back. Every day a little more. So keep on trying. You're absolutely worth it.

...sorry, I hope this isn't too sappy, I got kind of worked up by the thought that I'm not the only person having experienced this.

[Rain]

My words will fall short.

Bravo, Cat.    Beyond superb.            


What you wrote should be printed up on posters.   These posters at the entrance of every therapists office worldwide.

These posters should be in the Town Squares worldwide for all to ponder.   If I could send the posters back in time, I would send them to Germany, and surrounding countries, in the 1800s in massive numbers ...it could have spared the world both world wars in the first part of last century.   Perhaps ended slavery in the US in its beginning days.  I could go on and on.

What you wrote, if truly grasped by everyone, could change the world.   If so, then "Love one another as you love yourself" would be the standard.

[spryte]

Holy crap Cat.


I'm with Rain, that that should be a poster...at the very least, you should submit it as an article to some kind of publication. It was so well written, and passionate!

And so very very spot on.

I go back and forth on the issue of whether or not I ever really mattered to my mother. There's a part of me that feels like...maybe she's denying that any of that happened because it's too painful for her to face? Maybe it's her own defense mechanism to protect her from her guilt.

Of course, it's entirely equally likely that, as you said, I never mattered in the first place. That she never connected with ME, and that our only relationship consisted of her reacting to her triggers...me.

You've given me lots to think about. Thanks.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. 

[Kizzie]

Beautiful Cat, thank you   

[findingmyhome]

Very nice.  I had to create an account so I could post a THANK YOU, to you Cat.     

[Rain]

Isn't it wonderful, findingmyhome?   I could not agree more.  I think it is the best post on the OOTS forum.

Welcome, findingmyhome!   I hope this can be a place that is helpful for you.

[Rain]

findingmyhome - if you decide to stay with the OOTS forum, please do read the wonderful Welcome post by Kizzie in the Introduction section, along with an introduction about yourself.

If not, then Grace and Healing on Your Journey!   

Rain

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks! 

[findingmyhome]

findingmyhome - if you decide to stay with the OOTS forum, please do read the wonderful Welcome post by Kizzie in the Introduction section, along with an introduction about yourself.

If not, then Grace and Healing on Your Journey!   

Rain

Hugs back Rain, thank you.  I read Kizzie's post and will write an introduction.

[Badmemories]

Possible Trigger Alert! Possible Trigger Alert!  Possible Trigger Alert! Possible Trigger Alert! Possible Trigger Alert! Possible Trigger Alert!
Posted by: schrödinger's cat
October 04, 2014, 12:57:21 AM

In order to admit that yes, they hurt you, they would first have to accept your side of the story as relevant. And to them, it isn't. You don't matter. Your feelings don't matter. Your opinion is always, always inferior to theirs, always erroneous. Your experiences don't matter. Your rights - well, they matter a little, maybe, but theirs matter so much more. And so they cannot and won't ever see your side of the story. After all, they can live with having caused you pain - so why can't you?! It's so easy! What they did and said was this little thing that was so easy to do. It didn't upset them in the least. It made them feel good about themselves. Patronizing you made them feel like they were above you. Excluding you made them feel all the more like they were insiders. Withdrawing from you gave them a feeling that they were in control of their own lives: uncomfortable truths could be silenced, it was marvellous! All of this was easy to do. It didn't upset them in the least. It often gave them a sense of pleasure, of control, of well-being. Therefore the thing wasn't upsetting. If they can live with the abuse they gave you, why can't you?! After all, it's so obvious to them that those were simply small, harmless things! Why on earth do you refuse to see?



And THAT is why they abused you in the first place. They never looked at you and saw another human being. They never saw you. Oh, they saw someone - a cliché, a two-dimensional figure straight from out of a cheap cartoon. They never had a real relationship with you. What they had instead was a series of triggers. Such-and-such an action on your part would trigger this-and-that abuse on their part. What you explained, what you asked, what you signalled them, that never even registered. If it did, it was quickly brushed aside.

They mattered. You never did. You never even existed, not as a complex human being with opinions worth considering, information worth having, feelings worth a simple, ordinary amount of respect and consideration. Your trauma made you feel like you were insignificant not because you're oversensitive, but because that's how they treated you.

Wow this is great Cat.... I'd like to send this to My husband! I mentioned to hubby about how he was continually abusing me.  He did not say anything just gave me  one of those blank looks! Between him, My uNPDSis, and My workplace I had a nervous breakdown! I don't really know how to say that without blaming someone else. I have a hard time blaming anyone. It was like I was doing OK and the boom! I fell apart.

H continually gives me BIG jobs he wanted me to finish by this fall. I have hardly done any of it! He preaches the bible at me and tells me I am supposed to be a submissive wife... like the time that he recorded a series by a preacher we both liked. He sat down and made sure that I watched the whole things about wives. He'd interject things like see You don't do this or You need to be doing this, or see this is what I have been telling YOU!  real funny thing is... he either did not record the part about Husbands and what they were supposed to do, or he erased it! I did look up the price of the series and IT was very high. I would have like to have made HIM sit down and a watched that with HIM and said Oh yeah this is what You are supposed to do. OH no I am daydreaming!  B back to earth, calling B back to earth! 

I had a small epiphany today. I was thinking about emotional abuse and neglect, wondering why it's so hard for me to move out of denial.

That's the difficult thing about dealing with emotional neglect and emotional abuse - it's so easy for everyone to minimize and trivialize it. "Now you're overreacting." - "You simply just have to grow a thicker skin." - "You're oversensitive." - "Oh, well, yes, I can see how this-and-that wouldn't be precisely pleasant, but just stop dwelling on it and it will pass. You simply just have to look on ahead and focus on doing your duty, that will make you happy enough." In extreme cases, people even adopt an attitude of self-righteously wounded innocence: "I only said this one little thing! And now you're giving me all that grief for that?! What, won't I be allowed to say anything around here?!" Or my favourite: "You're only crying to make me feel guilty!"

{I am doing it again... copying when I should be pasting and visa versus  I do that when I am starting to have some clarity (Notice I said clarity instead of pain or EF, or Flashbacks!)}


I have been studying abuse from Parents, Husbands, psychopath's, sociopaths. 
Why is this part so hard for me? Yes I can say it. I was/am physically, mentally, financially, and sexually abused by H/ Yes I was physically abused,emotionally,abused by , PD M  and she did not keep me safe from Step D that sexually abused me, physically abused me and emotionally abused me!. (Hey I don't care how dumb You act, You see now I know that it is a ploy that You use to deny the bad things that You did to me, and let happen! How could You NOT hear when the trailer was only 35 ft long and only had sliding doors, and why would YOU shut the sliding doors. Especially when You were arguing about him wanting sex and You not wanting sex!  I might have some memories that I have blocked out but not this one!  Yes I was financially, emotionally, abused by My unpdSis. Same with Nephew..

Still in My heart I want to analysis and try and fix it.. Denial Denial Denial. I want to intellectualize it..    

Keep on Keeping ON!

[voicelessagony2]

Beautiful, cat. Powerful words, thank you for writing this.

[Charlotte]

Wow, very well said.  I especially related to the idea that the real you will keep nudging.  This has been partially fun for me.  It has empowered the person I was that originally felt wronged and the being that demands more and can still get it.  Not from the ones I needed it from back then, and who needed me even more.  It's trying to make it all seem normal that is too twisted and convoluted and a misdirection of energy.  There are people out there who can love and connect and nurture, and who have selves.  But it's still work to continually refine how to give and receive.

[lonewolf]

You matter. You matter so much. Your feelings count. Your opinion counts. Your actions make a difference. Your inner world is unbelievably rich and deep and vivid. True, maybe you're totally out of touch with yourself. Maybe you're numb, maybe you can't even feel the slightest thing, maybe the littlest opinion is hard to come by. But that doesn't mean it's gone. It's all still there, pushed out of reach, probably dinged up and squished and full of cuts and bruises. But it's all still there. It's waiting for you to come back. EFs are proof that this is true. Every EF is a message from your true self. It's like a little kid showing you a bruised elbow, going "look!" and trusting you to work it out.

And yes, EFs are overwhelming and horrifying. But they're a proof that you're still there. No matter what your abusers taught you to think: as long as you're having EFs, you can be very sure that a great (and subconscious) part of you knows EXACTLY what happened, knows the PRECISE truth of the matter, and WILL work as your advocate and champion in the only way it knows how. By elbowing you in the ribs. Hard. But this is a bit like having been in a grave accident, and waking up to find your legs are in so much pain, and your doctor going: "...pain? Great! Whoo-hoo!" You're excused if you think he's insane. But you see, as long as you're in pain, that means your spine isn't broken. As long as the EFs are there, that means your self-advocacy isn't dead. You're not dead. You're not even gone; not completely.

WOW. Powerful stuff. Speechless. Thank you for writing these words. Hit me in the gut. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, both of you.