What to do with my blame?

[thegirlintheattic]

My sister was a bully.  It brings me such shame to write that, my cheeks are burning and I feel vomit coming up my throat.  I mean, who's such a suck that their own sister can bully them?  Why couldn't I protect myself?  I must have done something to deserve that.  If I dared fight back, she'd always have some reason why it was OK for her to treat me like that.   Her abuse (physical and emotional) was an endless cycle and constantly in the air around me.  My parents were extremely checked out and the only way I could get their love was by taking care of them.  But if my sister saw any sign of me bonding with them, she'd make sure to punish me somehow. I live far, far away from my foo now and I'm basically LC.  (Though I don't think they really notice me enough to realize that.) 

So anyways, my sister, to this day, thinks that I'm just completely in the wrong.  She's always kept a running tally (it's extremely long now!) of every thing I've done that displeases her.  Except in her mind "displeases her"=being an irresponsible/selfish person, and there's no changing her mind about that.  She's someone who has a very strong sense of right and wrong, but doesn't realize how self-serving her perspective is.  Once my 4 year niece was upset about something, and my sister brought her to her room.  I accidentally heard my sister tell my quietly sobbing (and eager to please) niece, "You just CAN'T be like this. Stop it."  My niece's feelings were an inconvenience to my sister, just another thing that had to be stopped through shaming and excluding.  But I think, to this day, I'm the only one who sees through my sister, who sees how much she dominates through emotional rejection. Everyone else (including/especially my parents) seems happy to fall in line with her domineering ways. 

I've been reading a lot about family systems, and it fits that my sister (the eldest) developed the coercive style in response to our parents' emotional neglect.  And me, I became a fawner, a freezer, and finally a fighter (though I still tend to rotate through those 3 fs).  It was comforting to learn that it's a pattern that happens in other families.  But in therapy, I just go around and around in circles trying to figure it all out.  I mean, in a lot of ways, I haven't been a great sister.  I used to try (and I still try to be an adequate aunt to my nieces), but interactions with my sister are sure to cause EFs, self-doubt, dissociation, hyper-vigilance, the works.  And so I moved far away and every day it's a struggle to put myself first.  I'll see things in bosses, co-workers, friends that remind me of her and I'll feel so terrified. 

The other thing my sister will say is that she was only a kid too, and that it was also hard for her (and that she doesn't even remember bullying me, so...).  And my T has been trying to get me to feel some healthy anger towards my parents.  And yeah, I'm angry at my parents, but I blame my sister.  I know that's not right, and cognitively I can see that my sister's behavior was part of a system.  But in my heart, when I'm not blaming myself, I blame my sister.  But when she started bullying me she was just a little girl, so what could she know? 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello Girl In the Attic,

The short answer to your question is IMHO: you just put the blame where you feel it belongs. From your story I read there is plenty of blame to go around, and there is no reason why your sister shouldn't get her fair share.
She was able to diss plenty out, she should not be absolved from getting plenty back.

Plenty of children are bullies, even more plenty are not. And those who are not, are not so purely because they had such an easy time. Like you probably.
Blame her all you like for being a bully.
She was a bully. So she can be held accountable for her part in it. You may as well call it blame.

two things stand out to me in your post:

But in my heart, when I'm not blaming myself, I blame my sister. But when she started bullying me she was just a little girl, so what could she know?

and

I mean, who's such a suck that their own sister can bully them?  Why couldn't I protect myself?  I must have done something to deserve that.

To this I'd like to say this to you:
If you can feel enough compassion for your sister to see her 'innocence' (for lack of a better word) in her not knowing better, you might as well give yourself the compassion for not knowing better to stand up to her bullying.
And like wise: If you can find enough blame for yourself, you might as well put blame on your sister.

Perhaps, for at least a period of time, you could try to 'switch position' with your sister: instead of giving her your compassion for her ignorance and blame yourself for YOUR ignorance, try giving yourself compassion for your ignorance and blame HER for hers.

Possibly in time, you'll find a better balance of both your(plural) parts in the family system.

You may release the anger you have for your sister towards her. That anger that probably should be hers to get, but you have so far reserved for yourself, may be taken out on her. But almost certainly, you should stop taking it out on yourself.
I think that it what your T is telling you.
In my honest opinion.


I'd like to add that I have similar issues with my brother, and to a lesser extend with my sister.
My brother used to torture me (at least that's what I call it now. And I think that's the right term.) and my parents let him. They even encouraged me to just suck it up. (well, my mom certainly did, even said so almost verbatim. Dad just let it happen, until he got fed up with my screaming, after which he got up from his seat to give us both a good wack on the head. By the time he was near us, my older bro would flee, leaving me vulnerable on the floor to get my head smacked. After that most of the rage of my dad had been beaten out of him (through me getting the beating) and bro got off lightly. While I do see my parents are the responsible parties in the whole mess, I do blame my brother still for his actions. He was all to aware of what he brought on to me: both his torture as well as me getting the follow up beating of my dad. I blame all three of them: mom, dad and bro. Each for their part.

[Trees]

And yeah, I'm angry at my parents, but I blame my sister.  I know that's not right, and cognitively I can see that my sister's behavior was part of a system.  But in my heart, when I'm not blaming myself, I blame my sister.  But when she started bullying me she was just a little girl, so what could she know?

Hi AtticGirl,  I am glad you found this site and I hope you keep coming here and finding community.

My personal experience is that often cognitive knowledge can take some time to become serious wisdom anchored in the gut.  For me it has taken occasionally years for things I knew in my head to become things I understood in my gut.

I recommend Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", and his discussion of siblings trying to learn how to survive in a household with not enough caring to go around.  It's sort of a "Lord of the Flies" situation for all the little kids trapped that way.

What a very difficult situation to deal with!  Keep reading.  I think you are on the right track.

Best wishes to you as you work your way through this pain, and big hugs:         

[thegirlintheattic]

Thankyou Hysperger and Trees for your replies!  You've given me a lot of food for thought.  I'm waiting for the Walker book to come in the mail, and can't wait to get started on it.

Also Hysperger, I'm so sorry that your dad and brother were like that.  That's no way to treat a child.