new to this and struggling

[awakeningeagle]

So I guess you could consider this post, being pretty much my first, my acknowledgement of my struggle and need for recovery.  Not even sure what to say here.  Just saw my new T for the second time yesterday, and I haven't yet brought up the subject of "hey I'm pretty sure I have cptsd".  My last T (who was really a good T, don't want to make it sound like I'm criticizing her) didn't even know what it was.  New T is male, which is a change for me, but I think it will be a good change.  I'm having a rough few days, just feels like anxiety attack and flashbacks coming at me most of the time.  I'm scared that it won't get better.  I've been in therapy so many times and for so long that I'm scared I can't be fixed. I really need to start making a plan of what to do when the fb get bad adn the anxiety gets bad.  I just feel scared to the point of paralized.  Is this how it is for everybody? 

[CreativeCat]

Hi awakening eagle,

I'm sorry to hear of you struggle but glad you have also foundthis site. Sounds like you've been through a tough time. When you choose a T to work with do you know what type of therapist you work well with and which ones less so? I know for me it takes a long time to build trust and a relationship so the deeper work happened for me after about a year of seeing her, despite me pretending everything was OK a few times before that and trying to leave.

Everyone here is so understanding and people are discovering new things about themselves all the time. I've been through periods where i feel like i cant do anything and think im never going to be OK again and then periods that are more settled and I can see the progress I've made. Reading, understanding,  talking to my T and doing fun things and surrounding myself with people I love and letting others go have all helped my along my recovery. Now in this place I can talk to like minded people who understand.  Keep sharing 

[woodsgnome]

Awakening Eagle--your name is a fantastic starting point--soaring above the fray, then cycling down to where you need to be. The wind shear is a bit rough, but your eagle spirit will guide you home.

You said that you ..."just feel scared to the point of paralized. Is this how it is for everybody?". For me it sure is—that numbness is very familiar. I've been on the cusp of giving up loads of times. Scared is key, too—but I've also learned to flow better with it. Somehow I'd cycle back to hope, and strange as it seems I'd make the most progress when I stopped searching so desperately. Relaxing the mind does wonders, and its odd how much effort it takes to do that—the journey is full of these paradoxes that don't even make sense. I still look for a way out of the pain and crippling symptoms of cptsd, but I seem to have eased up on the desperate part. I feel more open to knowing that this is a process, not a destination. Notice I said more open, as I still just wish it would all float away.

Trusting yourself, your eagle's way, indicates you may well indeed be finding your own road out. I had to clear a lot of brush to find a way, and I still need to have the pruning tools ready.

It's good to see you here.

[awakeningeagle]

Thanks guys for the replies.

I did something perhaps I shouldn't have...I got a puppy yesterday.  My ex is a hoarder and took the vast majority of our dogs, including dogs I paid for, have microchipped in my name, and/or raised with her from babies.  I brought 4 with me, and had to be sneaky to get two of those away from her.  But two of the dogs she kept are small breed dogs that I had helped raise from tiny babies, and I was super attached to them, and they were very bonded to me as well.  They were a huge part of keeping me sane through the end of my relationship, and I'll never see them again. 

This has been a significant part of my anxiety the past weeks, to the point where some days it is all I can do to not sit in a corner or in my bed rocking and crying.  So I had an opportunity to get a free puppy, mixed breed but mostly same breed as those two.  She is perfect, and already I feel a good bit of relief of my anxiety.  I don't know exactly why this is helpful...maybe it's a distraction.  Maybe I just have a particularly strong bond with this particular breed (which I believe to be true, don't know why).  It's a very loving, needy, loyal breed, and for whatever reason it makes a great emotional support dog for me. 

Here's the issue- a lot of people will freak out that I got another dog.  My ex at one point loaded us up with 21 dogs, plus cats and other random people living with us.  It was INSANITY.  So for me, 5 dogs (one large breed, one medium, and three small dogs, and three of my dogs are senior babies) is seriously not a huge deal.  I did most of or all of the care of these animals, depending on who else we had living with us, for YEARS.  And many of our dogs were special needs.  So 5 dogs?  Not a big deal...to me at least. 

I don't particularly WANT this many dogs, and am actually trying to rehome one of these which was a relatively recent rescue on the part of my ex, but it's doable.  However, my dad is coming to visit in a couple hours, and he is already super not happy that I have the dogs I have.  He will flip over a puppy.  Granted, he primarily sees dogs as livestock.  Granted, his suggestion of how to deal with my depression and anxiety over the last 15+ years has been, "just go drink a beer."  I drink very very little, never been drunk, never more than two drinks max in a day, b/c of health conditions and b/c it's expensive!  But he didn't agree with me taking psychotropic meds.  He wasn't thrilled with me being in therapy.  So it's not like he's the expert in ways for me to take care of me anyway.  Just so nervous of his reaction. 

But what options do I have?  This isn't going to be a huge hit to my budget.  It's not like I'm planning to bring in 10 more dogs- I already really have more than I'd like.  The pup will take up some time but I have the time to spare.  And if she helps calm my nerves?  I mean what am I supposed to do!!  Meds, therapy, meditation, exercise, support group, nothing is sufficiently helping me right now.  I can BARELY FUNCTION.  My dogs are well cared-for regardless of how much I struggle (in fact they are the reason I'm still above ground, to be honest).  A small breed pup is cheaper than drinking every night, even as little as I drink.  Healthier too.  And my mental health is such a huge mess right now situationally- just left a domestic violence situation a few months ago, still dealing with trying to get a permanent protective order in place and deal with putting my life back together b/c she has taken most of my belongings, slandered me to everybody, etc.  She was my partner of over 7 years- this was a long term relationship. 

So if this helps me?  Brings some joy to my life, or some extra distraction that helps me function, is it such a bad thing?  And I'm too old to care so much about what my dad thinks, but I still do, more than I should.  Just venting...I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water, and my dad never has nor will he ever understand or acknowledge this struggle.  I have tried in little ways to get him to realize I'm in a REALLY BAD PLACE much of the time.  Is it more important to have a daughter that doesn't do stuff that embarrasses him (like take antidepressants, see a therapist, have "too many" dogs) than to have a daughter who is actually alive AND not in a mental hospital?  Because a few times I've thought that's where I was headed...and it's those dogs that he hates so much that have forced me many times the last few months to get my head out of my butt to keep myself from completely breaking down and ending up locked up somewhere.  Ugh...so frustrated.  So so frustrated. 

[Trees]

Dear awakening eagle, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad right now.  I hope all the remedies you are pursuing ("Meds, therapy, meditation, exercise, support group") will begin to kick in soon so you will get a little relief.  You do deserve some relief!

Like you, I find the presence of dogs in the home to be deeply comforting.  Caring for my dogs makes me feel like someone is caring for me.  It helps a lot.  I also take antidepressants and talk every week with a therapist, and those things help, too.

I hope you will continue able to care well for yourself and your dogs.  All the best to you and big hugs           

[Oxygen]

awakeningeagle,

I was watching a show the other night (it may have been Mysteries at the Museum) and it showed a bronze statue of Sigmund Freud. It caught my attention since I didn't really know much about him other than him being the father of psychotherapy and such. It went on to explain how, in his later life, Freud developed jaw cancer and due to the pain and expensive treatment, became debilitated and had to give up seeing most of his clients as well as his research.

About this time, someone gave him a chow (I think it was a chow) dog and he immediately bonded with it and it with him. His depression all but disappeared and he was able to resume seeing his clients. His chow was even allowed to sit in on his sessions with his clients! He realized what a profound effect his dog had, not only on himself, but on his clients. Its presence made the sessions seem much less formal and had a calming effect on his clients and made them more open and more willing to discuss difficult issues during their sessions. Unfortunately he died before he was able to do much research or to document the benefits on pets on mental health.

I just thought that was really interesting. We are now becoming more aware of those benefits and starting to take advantage of them. I have two rescues myself. One is extremely lively and just full of positive energy. The other is much more laid back and easy going. It seems to me that no matter how bad I'm feeling or how bad my day, the more lively dog will do something goofy that makes me laugh and I'll feel better. Their unconditional love is simply amazing and certainly something I've never experienced in my life.

So keep your dogs! Keep showering them with all that love you have inside. I know from personal experience just how therapeutic and beneficial just having them around can be! They will love you with or without fancy clothes and makeup. They'll love you in tears or laughing. They really don't care if you're not at your best right now. They love you anyway and every way!!