Scared of healing?

[jessetwigg]

I can't imagine being any different. I dont know who I will be when I heal and that scares the crap out of me. Healing will change everything about how I deal with life, it will change me. What if I'm not who I think I am? It's like going on a blind date. You never know who you're going to meet or if you'll like them, you don't even know if it's going to be a stranger or someone you've met at some time in the past.

Just me or anyone else feel like this to?

[Jdog]

Hello, Panther-

Sure, I remember feeling afraid of my "future self" when my intense work on myself began a few years ago.  Here's the thing to remember:  What you are grappling with right now, the intense emotions and the feeling of sand constantly shifting beneath your feet - this does not define all of who you are.  It is a part of you, but there are other parts, too, and they won't suddenly change unless you want them to change.  My suggestion is to try and focus on one or two central parts of yourself - sense of humor, or things you enjoy doing that don't cause panic.  Try and identify with those aspects a bit for now and then tell yourself that this, too, is who you are. 

This may or may not help, but it works for me.  Good luck.  And yes, healing is time consuming and tough.  But so very, very worthwhile.

[Indigochild]

OMG Black panther!! yes! I am so glad you made this thread.
I heard from a video by Katie Mortion, that it is normal to be afraid of being well.
Im also afraid of healing. I have hardly begun, but yes, no idea how i will be afterwards.
I was worried for a long time, that healing would make me like any normal person and that i would loose the more deeper, thoughtful parts of myself, but now i dont think that will happen.
Therapy anyway doesnt change you completley or complexity fix your issues, and you get to choose too which parts of yourself you want to keep.
For example, i like my mums assertiveness, even though it was damaging and bullying, so in a way i am glad I'm like her, but i can still be feisty and assertive, but not bullying.

I do hope that healing will make us more, make us wiser too.
Dont know if your are the same, but i need turmoil sometimes and drama to survive. Im bored and empty with out it. If i can fill this hole, maybe i wont need this.

I like this:
It's like going on a blind date. You never know who you're going to meet or if you'll like them, you don't even know if it's going to be a stranger or someone you've met at some time in the past.
You never know if you will meet the self you lost, or if you do, if it will be completley foreign to you.

I do also agree Jdog, that this isn't all of us and that there are many other parts. I like your advice.

Apparently its very exciting finding out who you are.

[Kittylover]

I've been feeling the same way...If I'm not messed up then what am I? I have no idea what being "normal" feels like so it almost feels safer to stay this way....

[woodsgnome]

I don't know--I think the doubts and fears are the real normal, and odd and scary as it seems, are probably a  sign that things are headed in the right direction.

I say that even though I'm petrified of full healing, too; especially if it meant huge changes. Then again, so much of that fear is because I've done so well to build a life away from the strife and turmoil that it's all I know. And trust.

To me, anyway, the scariest people were always those "normal" sorts who knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were always right, the world was this way, etc. They had no doubts, and were abusive and petty and horrid in their certainty, to the point of seeking to destroy everyone around them. I'd rather have doubts than be like that. 

But beyond that, change is the only steady, at times. Just in the few seconds it's taken to read this, things have changed—you've taken another breath, a cloud passed over, etc.  In the case of cptsd, we get used to the disappointment defining our life, and there's so little help that seems real, it feels safer to stay put. We want certainty to proceed, but forget we're now able to at least hope, even a tiny bit, that this time the change will be the good kind we deserved then, and are ready for now.

Way easier said than done. Still, even if the changing clouds look dark, there's glimmers of light poking around the edges, suggesting changes in the pattern may be occurring. Maybe those glimmers of light will change everything and a glorious blue sky will burst forth.

[no_more_fear]

I have no idea what being "normal" feels like

This was the exact thought I had last night and God was it scary. I've spent so long grappling with highs and lows that I didn't even know were there, that I just assume it'll be impossible to ever get a handle on them. I can't wait to be able to process these thinngs more effectively, but yeah it is scary and feels like an insurrmountable task at the minute.

At the very start, when I dicovered I had CPTSD, I too assumed I would change to some unrecognizable person. But now I just hope that my good parts will be even brighter. I'm clinging to that anyway.