Acceptance and Love

[Rain]

I've been combining Pete Walker's "shrinking the Inner Critic" with bringing love in to replace the negative self talk.   Use whatever "Love" author / teacher you resonate with.  (Katie's "Love What Is" method had interesting concepts from what I read on the Amazon preview).

Pete has wonderful info on shrinking the Inner Critic at www.pete-walker.com.

I can then start to accept the reality in front of me and let the LOVE in ...accept and love myself ...accept and love "what is," exactly as it is.    Negative to positive thinking.  It is choosing to love.

[spryte]

It's great when different concepts come together!

A few thoughts I had about this...

1.)The acceptance work sounds like the meditation that I outlined in the other thread. I think that's what's so important about it. When you're actively accepting what's going on, "reality" so to speak...there are so many OTHER things that AREN'T going on.

You aren't, even unconsciously, invalidating yourself and your experience.
You aren't building and buying into new "stories" about what's happening.
You aren't giving yourself room to be sucked into the "overwhelm" moments.
Your body isn't going into lock down because of what's going on.

Mindfulness and acceptance of what is, I think, are both great points to start at in this work.

2.) I'm not sure that I agree that grief work is essential to the process of changing ones thoughts. Whether you've accepted abuse or not, it is never too early to start re-recording old tapes and we may not always know where those tapes come from...but we know that they're playing. We may need some outside help to see that it's distorted thinking, and yes...it is easier once we know that we were abused and where those ideas came from...maybe I'm not exactly understanding your definition of grief work but it makes it sound, to me, like it's a very specific process that has to go on before there being hope of changing our thoughts.

In another thread, we talked about grief work, and how for some of us it isn't possible to get to that point for a long time, or...ever? The entire concept just doesn't jive with some of us. So, we work though it in another way.

For me, grief work ISN'T about seeing, understanding and processing that I was abused. All of that happened for me years ago, yet I am just now getting to what I consider to be MY grief work - feeling feelings for all the things that were lost to me because of what happened to me, and all the things that I never had to begin with.

This isn't directed at you, so much as just a general thought that I've had while reading...I have to remind myself to be careful when adopting new ideas from authors of different books, and even people who have shared what works for them here...to remind myself that these are concepts that are basically one person's theory about a thing. Some of them are widely accepted, and some of them make so much sense that we do easily accept them. But, when something doesn't work for us, or when it doesn't feel right to us (someone else in another thread I read mentioned how the 13 steps for EF's didn't work for them and made them feel worse like they were doing something wrong) that that's perfectly ok. And we have to be careful about suggesting that what worked for us is exactly what someone else needs.

3. Emotional overwhelm and your warped piece of plastic - that experience sounds a lot like what I call my "brown acid moments".
I guess those are the moments when my inner critic gets away from me and just starts running rampant. I can't shut it up, and I don't have the emotional energy to refute what it's saying, or fight it. I just get swamped in the negativity and it starts to become "real".

I haven't done as much critic work as you have, so I haven't attributed as much of that experience to that...although that makes sense because it's just the voices in my head...but I call it a brown acid moment because it really, really seems like a bad trip. And half the time, what makes it worse is that my "observer" is oftentimes held hostage in the corner, KNOWING that it's not real, but unable to do anything about it, so then I feel fragmented at the same time.

And the rest of the time...when I am actively fighting the critic I guess? It feels like that entire process is a drain on my system....like, there's this pit of negativity, and I'm not IN the pit...I'm above it...and I'm having to hold myself above it. And holding myself above it takes so much strength and energy and work that sometimes I just...give up and give in.

4. I keep seeing things in regards to abuse = my parents didn't love me. Maybe I'm not there yet. I do see my mother as an evil super villain...and I know that she didn't love me WELL, or CORRECTLY, or IN A HEALTHY WAY, but I'm not yet at a place where I feel I could say..."she didn't love me at all". The thing about PD's that I"m learning is how delusional they make people. The visual that I got when thinking about my mom was her in a glass cage...and inside the cage, she's delusional and she's seeing monsters that aren't there (her victimhood) and she's terrified and fighting them and we're all just...outside the cage, and I wish that I could just get her to see that there ARE no monsters...but the nature of her PD is that that's never going to happen...and you can't let her out of the cage (NC) and I can't go INTO the cage to help her because she'll attack ME (as she has so many times) thinking that I'm a monster (in HER story, I'm the super villain, the monster)...but somewhere I feel like I know that she feels like she loved me. There are a lot of kinds of love in this world, and some of them are just as destructive as hate...that doesn't mean that they are the same.

My dad, because of her and because of his own inability to really step up to the plate for his kids after he left, was complicit in both her abuse, and in exacerbating my experience with his own inadvertently abusive behavior after I went to live with him. We went NC for five years because of it...and apparently in that time, he had a lot of time to think about the mistakes that he made. I know that it RARELY happens for a parent to become authentically apologetic - obviously too, my dad doesn't have an uPD - but he's doing what he can right now to accept me, to accept that my childhood had profound effects on me, and to reassure me that he loves me. And you're right,  it does make things confusing, and crazy making. I think the difference between the two of them was actual abuse vs. inadequate parenting or "not good enough" parenting. And, maybe in an effort to not feel like an orphan I'm working to get to a point where he and I can process what happened with us. *shrug* I don't know.

[Kizzie]

Excellent points and a lot of food for thought Spryte. I so agree that we each have to do what feels right to us and I realized in reading your post that I have been somewhat overexuberant in my own views about a particular path out of this and that it may influence others in keeping quiet about how they feel. I will try to be more cognizant of that.

I know that a lot of people really like the work and approach of Byron Katie's work for example and yet I have such a reaction to her. I can certainly understand why you might feel similarly about Walker's notion of having to do grief work, that in some way it would hold you back. 

It is a really important message for members to hear that we must find our own path so tk you for that! 

[Kizzie]

For me, recovery has involved stages: - remembering;  anger and grief;  and, just recently letting go, moving on and embracing what I do have in the present.   This last stage seems more along the lines of what Byron Katie talks about - love/accept what is.  I think I mentioned elsewhere that my NPDM came for a visit in Jun and it was the first time ever that I did not have an EF. I am much more compassionate towards her than I ever was and accepting that she is not the M I would have wished for, but is who she is.  If I am wrestling with anything these days it is her ghost from my childhood.  It feels a bit like my adult self is OK, but my IC still needs some help. 

Between repressing and dissociating I really did not know what I (my IC?) was thinking or feeling to be able to accept it. It's almost as though the grief and anger were something I also had to learn to accept, before I could then move toward accepting the whole growing up in an abusive family and having to deal with PD behaviour in adulthood thing.

So taking what you have both suggested Rain and Spryte, perhaps Path A (and I'm sure as we all keep talking we'll find there are other paths), some of us first have to figure out (be mindful of?) what it is we're struggling with, work though it (and I think it is here that Inner Child work happens, a restarting of development through grief and anger and integration of the IC into the psyche), accept that we feel as we feel and then move into accepting things as they are and integrating. 

Path B - Others who know more clearly what they have been struggling with may be able to move into a mindful and accepting stance, defueling the ICr  by not fighting against it directly, but taking that energy and focusing it on more positive things.   

My head hurts lol 

[findingmyhome]

good stuff here.  I do not have anything to add just wanted to thank you for posting and sharing.

[alovelycreature]

It feels to me like there is grief directed outward and grief directed inward. There's the part that is morning the abuser: what they could have been, what they weren't, who didn't stop them, who they are; and then the other part is mourning who we are because of the abuse. On my journey I've mostly mourned my abuser and found a place in myself to forgive them and accept the past cannot change. I think since I was in a "parentalized" (I hope I am using this word correctly) relationship, of course I had to forgive the abuser before grieving for myself and my losses. Grief is something that happens forever and doesn't necessarily end or go away. It just changes over time. It's like night terrors or triggers. They never go away they just change and come up less frequently.

After reading the threads in the IC forum, I'm seeing that maybe our IC gets in the way of grieving. Grieving our losses is a way of loving ourselves. I don't think the critic wants us to grieve and love ourselves, so it comes up in negative thoughts or feelings. It feels like sabotage. How can you move to a healthy place when there is someone telling you you don't deserve it? Or it will never end? I'm finding externalizing the IC to be helpful. It's not who I am, it's a toxic coping mechanism. Knowing that it is not who I am makes it easier to let it go.

I remembered reading this body image quote that kind of reminds me of this. It was along the lines of: You are who you are today. You're not going to be any thinner (whatever you're struggling with) today, but you an always strive to be healthier today. Acceptance of today is incredibly hard especially with triggers and flashbacks, but on a good day it's doable.

[Rain]

I loved reading this, Lovely.    Grieving inside and out.

[alovelycreature]

Wouldn't have thought it without the insight, experiences, and acts of self love (being on OOTS) that everyone else has shared. So blessed to be part of this group! 

I loved reading this, Lovely.

You got it ...you simply got it.

Grieving inside and out.

The inner critic absolutely gets in the way of our healing, stopping the grieving.   Grief work is an act of self-compassion, of love.   The inner critic is not a loving presence at all....not the version we got!!!

Healthy families install a superego in us that is loving that is the guide for the adult as they go through their lives.   This becomes the healthy conscious in most adults ...a gift.

Abusive families have a superego in us that is as negative as the parents were during our childhood which also goes with the adult ...sickeningly so.    This becomes our inner critic...a nasty gift that continues to abuse us if we do not "see" it and reject it fully.

As Pete Walker says in his latest book, battling the inner critic is the fight of our lives.   For our lives....

Love.   It is what we were missing, and what we need to give ourselves.   Can't love ourselves, if we do not radically accept ourselves as we are, ready to move forward.

Onward!   Thanks, Lovely!!!   I learned a lot from your post!

[Rain]

Wouldn't have thought it without the insight, experiences, and acts of self love (being on OOTS) that everyone else has shared. So blessed to be part of this group!

That makes two of us, Lovely!!

[Bluevermonter]

I homed right in on this thread as those two nouns were always issues for my ex.  And "love what is" is exactly the advice I wanted to give to her, but could never find the words.  My entire time w her was about all the rules that she followed, and ultimately expected me to follow as well.  It's as if the only way she could live was by following those rules, and if there was no rule, she would founder like a ship that had taken on too much water . . . Until someone like a t could tell her what the new rule ought to be.

God bless her, she wants nc with me, but I am the one who understands her the best.  Her mom, who gave her the cptsd, the infection, the anointing w trauma, has a helluva lot to answer for, imho.

So much help for me in this thread, I'm tearing up at the thought of all the trauma you guys have survived.  Blessings to you all.

[Rain]

I hope you can love what is in yourself, Bluevermonter!

A    for you.    You are on the Healing Journey, too.   

[Bluevermonter]

Love what is-- words to live by.  Thanks, rain, for your loving words.  It IS much rejection for me.  She said it was about her, but since I was half of the r/s, it MUST be about me as well.  She did not live in a vacuum. 

How is my grieving?  I refuse to ignore it.  So I am angry when I'm angry and happy when those rare moments strike.  Both OOTF and OOTS have been of immeasurable help.  The t's that ex and I worked with were, in hindsight, too indirect to be effective, imho.  These websites call a spade a spade, as it were. . .

I have been blessed w good self -esteem-- what you posted about superego rings so very true.  My unNPD mom wasn't so bad enough and I had a father whom I take after-- easy-going, self assured.  Not to say I have life or myself all figured out, but I know I will get through this terrible trauma of lost love and future--just not soon enough for my taste.  my ex had the malignant narc mom and the dad who was a good man who appeased wife  to keep things calm.  I think my ex was his GC, which is why her life skills are so poor, as I mentioned in previous posts.

I look forward to receiving even more insight from thes blogs.  Thanks, rain, and to all who post.

[Rain]

Big  for you, Blue!

I am so grateful you are grieving, Blue ...letting the emotions come through!!   

Quite a Journey you are having.   Say, why do you think your mother is / was NPD?

[Bluevermonter]

Great question about why mom was npd:  her mom was clearly npd.  Grandmother had 4 daughters.  My mom was 1 of 2 GC.  The other 2 were told they were ugly, awkward, stupid etc.  GM made it very clear those 2 were not up to her standards.  GM never bothered to care if her girls ate, although there was food in house.

My mom shared GM's extroversion and narc, but did a great job as housewife and mother.  Great cook.  I guess she decided she would not be like her mom in that regard.  I have to wonder if mom choose to be a narc because that was the example set for her???

GF had a very low people and life skills IQ.  Clueless, so just let his wife do whatever.  He was the one who supplied love to all his girls, but ended up as the only drunk in the foo.

Thanks for ur hugs and hugs back.  💜👼

[Rain]

Wow, Blue.   This is quite the background you also have.   Thank you so much for sharing.   

So much hurt in families with narcissism.     The big thing I see is the lack of actual love from narcissists is the core of the damage.

This may seem like an odd question, Blue.   But, did you ever see your mother or your NPD grandmother cry?