Dealing with flashbacks alone, using alcohol to cope

[Indigochild]

Just a ramble, maybe some of you can relate?

I realised that i have no friends.  The few people i may hand with once in a while, I am not close to at all.

I dont go out much due to it being so triggering being with people.
The people i do know, I am in no way close to them at all.
They do not know me, who i am, what I'm about, what I'm interested in. I can't let them know me.

I can not say to these people about my issues. About the triggers. About the triggers stopping me doing things as they cause me to emotional flashback.
I wouldn't want to tell them, but saying yes to most things makes me realise that, I am lying to them completely, putting on a front that id be happy to go with them, when really it makes me feel like I'm dying inside, an I'm filled with utter dread.
Maybe i wouldnt have to hide away so much from them in fear of what they think of me, if they just understood it.

I said yes to something social, because i felt i had no choice, and am now dreading it, because the very situation and people involved suggest that all the triggers are likely to be there.
I feel i cant say no to people. I have to please, and if i say no to going, they may think I'm anti social.
I know its good to get out and mix with people.
Its just that the pain is just so great, and whilst there is no solution to this pain as of yet, i think its best to avoid it.
Maybe the little girl inside of me is trying to tell me something, but I'm struggling to understand what she may be trying to say.

I have been using alcohol a lot lately to cope with the pain, inner, and outer.
I was looking forward to a calmer day on my own tomorrow, with out feeling the need to drink to be numb in order to deal.
I think I'm just fed up of drinking, and now its like my medicine in order to cope.
I have started therapy, so I'm not just content with it being this way forever. Im so bored in life staying in the house all the time, but i can't be out the house either.

I hope this makes sense. Anyone else relate?

[sasha~]

I can relate. It's really painful sometimes. I think it's like a one-step-forward-two-steps-back sometimes. Self-medicating with alcohol is really easy to do, and I'm not sure if it's better or worse than medication - except when using medication then (hopefully) the GP is helping to keep track of how it's used. Also, sometimes I think I go through phases where I need to be anti-social for a while. So perhaps it's being gentle with ourselves and allowing us to do what we need, even if that changes form day to day or even if it's not what other people think we should do. (Or what WE think other people think we should do -- that's the kiss of death for me!) Dealing with flashbacks is really hard even when you have someone else around. For me, often I don't know I need help and can't ask for it - or don't know what I need to do to help myself. I joke sometimes I am going to get "grounding" tatooed on the back of my hand so I can remember to do grounding exercises, but even then -- would I remember what they were? Putting up signs on the wall somewhere doesn't always help either, because often the words make no sense and I can't figure out how to get them to make sense. So... I think I can relate a little bit.

The only think I know is that we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves. That's so tough when no one has ever been gentle with us. Even though I'm kind to others it's totally different from being kind to myself.

I'm not sure I've helped but I'm here. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I can relate Indigochild.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I sometimes fall in the pit of using alcohol to numb me, still.

There's a few things to remember with alcohol:
- as long as you stay below the established threshold (which is four units (glasses) a day), you're fine. Then you are just a 'problematic'-drinker. Given your circumstances (or mine), the drinking is then the least of your problems.
- having said that, less is better. Two glasses a day is fully acceptable to today's standards, so go for it if it helps.
- If you drink much more, you are an alcoholic. Why not start to attend an 'alcoholics'-program? At least you will be able to vent with likeminded persons on your alcohol (ab)use. (personally I didn't like the AA, it's a religious cult. But then again i'm an atheist and the prayers just put me off. But if you're religious, it might be just the thing for you.)

As a closing statement: give up the booze. It's not a cure.
But the way I see it: if you have broken your ankle, and you need to escape a lion by climbing in a tree, there's nothing wrong with taking painkillers that will enable you to do just that.
It won't heal your broken ankle though. And that ankle will definitely need a cast at some point. The sooner the better.

So I'll leave you with a modest toast.

And a 

[Indigochild]

Hi Sasha

Im sorry that you also struggle with this but its good that you understand if that makes sense.
What you said was so nice, it is very hard as you say to be nice to yourself, or kind with yourself, and that is something i never actually considered. 
I understand being worried all the time about what others think of you and would expect of you. It is also my kiss of death!

Do you mean that you wouldn't remember grounding exercises or make sense of them when your in a flashback? When your trying to numb out?
Sometimes you feel like self sabotaging, and its hard to ground etc. when your in an altered frame of mind.

I think that sometimes, we get caught up in thinking everything is our fault.
What happened to us as children wasnt our fault- it isn't our fault.
We have feelings as a result of it / no feelings / flashbacks- whatever....but it is not us being defective or useless.
If we were made to feel bad about the abuse, if we were made to feel bad about our feelings *about the abuse*, then its understandable that we would feel bad when the residual effects of the abuse crop up in our daily lives with out it being our choice, as we were perhaps made to believe our feelings were wrong and stupid.
I think youve helped put this into perspective here.
I flash back to believing it was all my fault, and that there must be something wrong with me for my parents to treat me that way. Today is a good day on that front, and I'm hopefully seeing things more clearly with the help of T, and you help clarify why i felt so bad about feeling bad at the thought of flash backing in social situations.

I also understand about not knowing you need help, always having to deal with your problems yourself, and it not even occurring to you to ask for help.
This is basic survival for us, so we would never think to ask for help, as we have been tough to survive in that way. (T said that to me)
Its probably not good to be that way for life, but its not our fault we never involve others in helping us.
We have probably not been taught the skills needed in order to self soothe, and to think about *you*, and what would make it better for *you*, to think of solutions. 
I know i wasnt taught this. I was encouraged to shape up and be happy, weather i am happy or not, and to forget anything that is bothering me.

Thank you for so much for being here. I really appreciate it 

[Indigochild]

Hi Hysperger

Im also sorry that you can relate!
Its so admirable that you are in recovery.
Apparently the fall backs are not the end of the world, and do not un do the progress made. (just thought id put that in case you had not heard that before)

Thanks for the alchol tips.
I had been told by a woman who *aparently* worked for alcholics anonymous, that even if you drink every day, you are not considered an alcoholic unless you have a physical addiction (the shakes), and have to stop drinking in order to stop the shakes...(turned out she is a narcasist)...
But i think that weather you drink to stop the shakes in the end or are simply drinking every day-
it is an issue and i think you should be called al alcoholic, in the same sense that a shopaholic is called one.

I am drinking more than the recommended amount when i do drink...
Im not sure i need to attend an alcoholics programme. I was never much of a drinker, and since an old trauma was relived, i have been using alcohol, and I'm not doing it every day, even though it was almost every day last week.
I didnt know the AA was religious...I am not religious.

I know drinking isn't the cure. Im in therapy.  Im not sure what lead me to drink.  I guess i needed to zone out and usual methods didnt work.

Thanks so much for understanding and for your advice. I wish you luck on your recovery 

[DaisyMae]

Hi,

I can relate to everyone on this one too and I am very sorry that any of us can do that. 

Sasha - thank you for being here and it does help knowing that there are others that can empathize and thank you for reminding us to be gentle with ourselves, that is hard for me to do.  Definitely have to make a very conscious effort and is one of the major reasons I use alcohol to numb and cope. 

Hysperger - thank you for your advice as well.  I agree with Indigochild as far as what an alcoholic is.  I would be considered a problematic drinker but at the end of the day, I drink alone, at home, every night after work, for the sole purpose of self-medicating to drown out the anxiety and fears, numb myself, zone out / freeze in front of the TV, and completely dissociate.  I used to be able to dissociate completely and slept hard as rock but somewhere along the line, I broke and struggle to do that.  Problem is that I still work so hard at blaming myself and telling myself it is all my fault, have no clue how to self-soothe, and repress my emotions that the anxiety is thru the roof many nights.  I know I should be angry, mad, ready to scream at someone else, but all I want to do is beat up myself.  I do not know how to be mad or angry at anyone else, I don't know how to express that emotion.  I have steadily been increasing my drinking each night in order to deal with it.  I know that is bad, I am too the point where I can almost just drink the gin straight!  I have had thoughts of going to AA, but I checked it out and like you said, the 12 steps are very rooted in religious principles and faith and god are a big part of AA.  I am an agnostic and am not a fan of organized religion myself.  So, not sure where to go from here.  Are there any other alcoholic groups out there you would recommend or any other suggestions for recovery?   I keep telling myself I will quit on my own, but I am only getting worse, not better.

IndigoChild - Thank you for starting this thread and I relate to all that you said in your posts perfectly.  I wanted to cry reading your last post to Sasha.
"If we were made to feel bad about the abuse, if we were made to feel bad about our feelings *about the abuse*, then its understandable that we would feel bad when the residual effects of the abuse crop up in our daily lives with out it being our choice, as we were perhaps made to believe our feelings were wrong and stupid."
I do get caught up in thinking everything is my fault.  I was never taught the skills to self soothe or to think about myself, what would make it better for me.  I was expected to put everyone else first, like "Jesus" would have done as my mother put it.  My own needs were selfish and I was punished severely if I even expressed something was not fair or that I wanted something more than what was provided.  I am sorry that you have the same feelings, but am glad that you are doing better with the help of the T.  I am also trying be better with the help of my T.  I do sometimes take 1 step forward and then 2 steps back it feels like sometimes.  I am struggling at the moment, think I have tried to take on dealing with too much at I am not ready.  I do not understand enough about the emotions that I want to feel but can't or the regulation to manage them, even if I did have a break through. 

Thanks to everyone for being here!

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks all, it seems we are all in the same boat. Not in the same cabin, but on the same boat. And we bump into each other at the bar  .

Are there any other alcoholic groups out there you would recommend or any other suggestions for recovery?

I live in Europe, so probably I can't help you out here.
But there are some other groups around. Most notably recovery groups attached to addiction-programs/clinics, some post-treatment groups etc.
The religious edge of the AA has put plenty of people off, so alternatives have been established. Some of them even still stick to the 12-step program (also not my thing), but without the prayers to a higher authority.


On the definition of alcoholism: Let's just say if one thinks (s)he has a substance-use problem, than there is one. In other words: I think we all here expressed our concern for not having (sufficient) control over our use, and worry about it. That's enough to address our worries, regardless if we fit a standardized definition of an alcoholic.
Which is not to say those definitions can simply be discarded.

Thanks again.

[Indigochild]

Hysperger

Hahaha....funny, yes were are all in the same boat.

I agree with you about alcoholism and technicality , its all an issue.

[Indigochild]

Hey Daisy May

You sound very like me with the drinking in front of the tv.
Interesting that you can no longer sleep as much. I am still able to, but mechanisms beak down over time.

It sounds like you are detached from your emotions, and are only able to beat yourself up as a result.
Beating your self up could be part of your disasocaitive defence, you may have done this instead of seeing the truth that you were being abused as a child.  I did this too. You BELIEVE its you, its all your fault, that you deserve the abuse.
After all, our parents are right arnt they!?? but nooooo they are not as we are realising. But a child thinks they must be right to treat you that way, to with hold affection and love, so they think it must be them that is unworthy.
People can also identify with their abusers, its the inner critic, taking on the thoughts of contempt etc that the abusers had for you.

it will come, the anger at them. and the sadness. but you might need help in allowing the disasociative defence and the far of feeling emotions to subside in order to feel.

If you were never allowed to express emotions, or to talk about what you saw happening at home, you ignore the emotions and your perception of what is happening and begin to believe it is stupid and that it must be wrong.
Now you dont trust yourself to have emotions, and , well in my case, this is the case and drinking and disasociating help get rid of these feelings that are so scary an unacceptable.

I dont know anything about AA, but i would be worried that it would only work on the problem being the alcohol, when in fact it is a symptom you use to cope with the actual problem.
I think that for Cptsd, there are so many layers, that seeing a therapist and tackling it down to the coar will help you to not need drinking in the long run.
I think figuring out why you need to drink, layer by layer, will help you to stop. There is probably something we are all not doing that we should be doing instead of drinking that we are missing out on but we dont know what it is.
We disassociated because of out situations as a child. We are still trying to disassociate.  there must be a hole there. A fear. A need for something better that we never got back then, we just dont know what or how to fill the hole.

I also live in the Uk, so I'm not sure of any other organisations. Maybe your T would know, if you feel comfortable telling her about your drinking. She wont take it off you.

I am sorry that you were made to put every one else needs before you own. No wonder your beating yourself.  Well, this and I'm sure may other reasons for that.
Of course you would be afraid to emote. Bad consequences came from that. You were never taught that good comes from feeling so crap. Same story.
Its ok to take one step forward and a few back. Its all part of recovery, although i know its frustrating and doesnt feel like you have progressed.   I guess you are still learning stuff, even in the midst of recovery.

Maybe taking things a bit at a time, not sure where you are up to with you T, but maybe you want to feel, but are simply not ready to?

I wish you luck on your journey. And sometimes, no matter how much we know, it can still hurt, when understanding isn't enough. Set backs are not favours. It is all a process, a process of greiving and grieving and angering etc. are all scary.

[Indigochild]

oh dear, my laptop auto correct. I mean failure, not favour.  and theres a few more mistakes.

Daisymay, you should check out this video, and anyone else -it may help to understand this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVK8BHn6GAE

She also saw a therapist and is not a certified life coach. Very good videos.

[DaisyMae]

Hysperger is funny.... Yes we are in the same boat!  And we could only be so lucky if we bumped into one another at the bar.  I am sure we would have fun.  If I travel to the UK in the future for work, I will have to let you know....

Than you for your input on some other options to check into for addictions.  I will talk with my T the next time I see him and see what he thinks.  Maybe indigochild is right, as I deal with my other issues, I will not feel like I need the alcohol and I will be able to work to reduce what I drink (I really would hate to give up Margaritas!)

Thank you Indigochild for your empathy and insight.  You said it all perfectly and not to worry about any typos, I make all kinds of them myself.  The video did help, thank you.  And I did check out her other videos while I was there.  I checked out the Spartanlifecoach on youtube as well based on recommendations from others in the forum.  Both are very down to earth and make it is to relate and understand.  I am a process thinker and actually am a Continuous Process Improvement & Inventory Manager so you would think that I would be more compassionate with myself since I actually work to teach others that it is okay to make mistakes and to learn from failure in order to make progress and improve.  Maybe my job is actually what is making it harder for me because it is triggering me constantly because I can't accept my own failures.  I do beat myself up, I do believe everything is my fault.  If I can't help someone see that control is not the answer and that life and work can be better through teamwork and mutual respect, then I have failed them and therefore have failed myself and yes, my parents....  Funny thing is that my parents are controllers and abusers and have no clue what I do or can even begin to understand the approach so not sure why I care that I failed them.  My IC is still very strong, has been the hardest part of therapy for me to make any progress on.  I can't even accept a compliment much less soothe my IC. 

Funny, last session, my T actually thought when I was still dealing with some real estate sales of commercial property for my grandmother and was dealing with her businesses after my grandfather died, that I must have had feelings of status that I could refer back to and remember have a feeling of worth.  I was dumbfounded.  I looked at him and told him that there was never any feeling of status. No one in my family would allow that.  I was the bad guy making everyone behave and stop trying to bankrupt my grandparents.  They didn't allow me any status, all they did was tear me down.  I stayed under the radar and let the real estate agents and lawyers handle everything.  Other than the bad things my family said to the click in town, no one would have even known I existed.  My T was lost for words, he really didn't know what to say. 

You are right.  I was never allowed to express emotions, at least not without punishment, and I am afraid to express them for fear of the consequences.  Wow, never really thought of it that way... that is so sad.  That is probably one of the worst things any parent could do to a child.  It became a necessity to disassociate.  And until I learned how to satisfy the needs of my mother as a young teen, I had no one to protect me in a sense.  The more I disassociated and didn't express emotions, the more severely I was punished to try to break me.    Once I became parentified at about 12 and became my mother's confidant and "friend" because she couldn't handle my father's abuse, she became the barrier.  I could disassociate and at least not face more abuse as a result.  She used the fact she was helping me to make sure I continued to take care of her and keep her secrets.  I had not had a childhood already and moved in to advising the parent by the age of 13.... it was stressful and there was guilt, plenty of verbal abuse to go around, but the physical abuse stopped.  Thank you Indigochild, this post has helped me to put some things in perspective and I have hopefully made a big step in understanding.   DM

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes ! Fear of people fear of being seen fear of shame fear of being attacked fear of being consumed
All normal for cptsd sufferer I'd say

I have avoided and retreated for couple yrs and used to feel bad about it feeding into shame and I'm not normal -- now I see that time was so important to be with myself more for healing and working out where I was at --

I have just started to branch out again and I feel stronger and more able to cope - my child trauma therapist says relationships are often the hardest area to change for us

I have joined a walking group and it is just great meeting people but not the pressure of usual social relating
Doing things that are calming yet enjoyable is so important for me
So suggestion - do not beat self up for what is difficult right now - take it slowly and steady - learn where u limitations are for now and what u need to feel ok and that balance
Do not expect too much of self
Take time - it is ok to take time
Be kind to self
Seek calm activities with like minded people who don't judge as much

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ps I used to use alcohol to cope to the point of alcoholism
I am now 5 yrs sober through Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcohol only made things worse - though I thought the opposite

[Dutch Uncle]

Indigochild and DaisyMae,

thanks so much for appreciating my sense of humor.
It's better that having a drink. 


Boatsetsailrose: thanks for your input as well. And congrats on staying sober  .

[Indigochild]

Hi Daisymay

Trigger allert

Yes, it would be great to meet. I would be wary of that, as i met someone and we were similar, only she did the narcissistic thing and bailed on me and has no interest in a friendship anymore. She is a narc, fits all the traits.

No worried about the empathy and insight. Thanks about the typos. My narc mother made me feel bad about my spellings.
I also like Spartanlifecoach, and I'm glad you liked the Lisa videos.

Some would say its ironic your in a job like that, but maybe not. Its always easier to give to others what you should be giving to yourself. Not always though. It can hurt to give others what you never had.
It sucks that your job is triggering.
Maybe you need a more positive message / reminder to be nice to yourself, as you have a problem dong that anyway, and if its reminding you of triggers received at work, then it wont inspire you to be nicer to yourself. What do you think?

I understand. It is incredibly difficult to make someone else change their mind set for all sorts of reasons, that are not to do what you or the person that is trying to help them.
These things seem to all be connected for you.
If you fail someone else, you feel like a failure, and you feel you have failed your parents.
Have you thought that perhaps as a child, love was conditional for you, based on what you did / how good you behaved, etc. so if you couldn't please your parents, you felt like a failure?

Sometimes love is dependant on pleasing the parents.
If a child managed to please them and got rewarded, not being able to help or please others in their daily lives as adults would make them feel like they have failed themselves.
Sometimes love is conditional, but children are assigned certain rolls in the family, ie. scapegoat- and they can do nothing right in the eyes of the parents so they feel like a failure.

Yes i would say it is your inner critic, and did you know its a defence against pain= against realising your parents were wrong and abusive? But you dont see this defence as it never wants you to- therefore it makes you believe the voice or the inner critic is correct.

Compliments are hard for me too.
I understand about their being no feeling of status.

Emotions become frightening to us as adults, because as a child, scary things happened if we expressed.
It is just awful that your parents knew you were dissociating and tried to break you. maybe they knew more than you thought.
And then to parentally you. Like you would want to be a friend to someone who made you feel so completely awful - but maybe you did as sadly all kids want any love they can get.

Your mum sounds like she really messed with you head. Sounds very narcissistic. 
My mum did this too, and I'm only beginning to see through the fog.  Even though i disassociated, she still hurled emotional abuse.
But she told me my face looked blank, am i even listening!! It goes in one ear and out the other!
I was pretending i wasnt listening , but looking back there are a lot of spots of childhood i dont even remember. It literally did go in one ear and out the other, and when i realised this, i felt like i had in a way, triumphed over her.

It definitely sounds like you did not have a childhood. You should not have been treated that way.
I am glad the post is helping to get things clear. It makes me feel so good hearing that!! it is so great to get things in order and to understand things that happened.

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