Dealing with flashbacks alone, using alcohol to cope

[Indigochild]

No problem Hysperger!

Your sense of humour is part of you, and all of you should be appreciated! 

[Indigochild]

Boatsetsailrose, I'm glad you understand.
When you put it like that, it helps me to see it for what it is.

Fear of people
fear of being seen fear of shame
fear of being attacked
fear of being consumed

Yes, makes sense that relationships are hardest for us to change, as our traumas involved intimacy.
That is encouraging to see that time alone etc. may be what is needed. Pushing ourselves is again, ignoring how we really feel.

I have avoided and retreated for couple yrs and used to feel bad about it feeding into shame and I'm not normal -- now I see that time was so important to be with myself more for healing and working out where I was at --

Thanks for your advice. I am glad you have found a group that works for you at this time.
I guess this is a long journey and maybe this is the start.

Congrats on getting sober too! I have to ask out of interest, did alcoholics anonymous get to the root of the problem for you or were they sort of , a top up on recovery?

[DaisyMae]

HI Indigochild,

Wow, my mom did that too.  She would call me out in front of people to correct my grammar, would make fun of how I spelled things.  I had a big gap between my front teeth and had to go to speech therapy in grade school because I had trouble with certain letters like F and S and certain words.  Both parents would make fun of me when I slurred my S's or said a word like "wash" wrong.  They did it at home and in front of other people.  I am guessing that it embarrassed them and they thought if they made fun of me or were mean to me about it, I would start saying stuff right.....

Thank you for your advice and opinions.  It really is helping and I appreciate the support and understanding.  I would like to say that love was conditional growing up.  Unfortunately, I do not think there was any love at all to be had.  I can honestly say that there is not a time I can remember that I ever received approval, that they were proud of anything I did, have ever actually said "I or We Love You".  I actually got in trouble for winning a Spelling Bee at school in the 6th grade.  I came home, all excited, told my mom that I had won and she yelled at me.  She told me that I only won to spite my friend that finished in 2nd place and told me that I should be ashamed of myself.  I didn't even know what "spite" was.  I had studied and worked hard for the bee and just did my best to try to win because I thought that was supposed to be the goal.  My dad drove me to the regional spelling bee but my mom did not go.  After I was knocked out after just 3 rounds, my father laughed at me as we left.  Not a word was said as we drove home.  My mom made fun of me and said, See, I was right!  You really didn't want to win a spelling bee, you just wanted to beat your friend!  I couldn't do anything right whether I tried to be good or did something bad or didn't make that A+, play the piano perfectly, dance recitals, anything.  They eventually stopped even caring and just didn't go to see me in school plays or talent shows.  They didn't care.  It was embarrassing.  Everyone else's parents would be there and I either needed a ride home or someone came and picked me up....  I was definitely the scapegoat growing up and am now the Black Sheep - I am out of place with my family, we are not compatible in anyway.  I think completely different.  My mom told me (accused me) of being an idealist like it was a bad thing.

It can hurt to give others what you never had but the only person is hurts is me.  It is just another reminder of a childhood lost and a family that does not understand truly giving or love.  Emotions are very scary for me and I rarely cry.  I laugh at everything even when I should cry, it is one of my defense mechanisms and is really probably annoying to some people.  But it helps me to repress any other emotion, to not feel it all.  I have gotten better about not laughing at everything, but still struggle with expressing any other emotion.  I am torn between the guilt of wanting to cry versus the guilt of wanting to be angry or mad.  Anger is the hardest for me, I really do not know how to express it, feel it.  The only time I ever feel good is when I help someone else learn something new or feel okay about a mistake.  I get a brief moment of that feeling before I turn it on myself because of my IC. 

I am glad that everyone has been willing to share their own experiences and help to put more understanding to it all for me.

:hug:DM

[Boatsetsailrose]

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped/helps me so greatly with my inner and outer world but it hasn't been the whole solution for me -
I've needed outside support for child trauma effects as well

But yes putting down any/ all addiction I now see as key to being able to fully feel and address the effects of what happened to my insides

[Indigochild]

Hi Daisymay

I cant believe your mum made you feel bad about your spelling also!
And to call you out in front of other people. Thats terrible.  they probably did feel embarrassed about it, but it might have been because it was a reflection of them as parents, rather than them feeling bad for you. Or they might have felt nothing about it and laughed at and embarrassed you to make themselves feel better about themselves.

I do think that parents like ours have a thing for making the child feel bad about something they can not help. Thats got to have had some pretty serous consequences for you in terms of your confidence and feeling self contours about your teeth.
For me, that was my visual impairment that i was made to feel bad about, my mum had a huge problem with and would tell me off and threaten me with her being *very cross* if i couldn't find something upstairs she had asked me to get, and often said that *It had better be there or else!*

If love was conditional growing up, you would feel that there is no love to be had, it makes sense. There wasnt, and maybe you felt that something was wrong with this *deal* of conditional love you were trapped in.

Same here with the parents being not proud of you. Thats very sad. It effects motivation in adult hood.
No approval here either, and not praised for achievements.
If a good comment was said, it was taken away after with a criticism, an abusive something said.
I relate too a lot to not being able to do anything right. Nothing was ever good enough, neither was I.

I cant not remember fully my parents coming to school plays. I dont think they came to all if they did, yes they did a few times, not sure if my mum would have if my dad wasnt there. I think i was an embarrassment to her.
Not much was said after the plays either. Very good was what was said with a sigh.

I am struggling at the moment to see why i am on this journey instead of my parents, especially my mum as i feel i am like her.
Why they didnt not have kids like me, because of fear of screwing them up.
Like my mum, i knew i wasnt happy at home. Maybe we just had different life experiences after leaving home that altered the way we are- as we seemed to have similar scapegoat rolls growing up. She may have lied when she told me her brother was the favourite though, so maybe thats not true.
Not all scapegoats turn into their mothers, but some do.

Im not sure what an ideolist is. Apparently it is bad if you do it too much and are too....gullable? But it is perfectly fine to be an idealist. Maybe your mum hates herself, so to see you as being an idealist also, she would hate.
Did you know that if you are scapegoat child- the parent / s project all of the hate they have for themselves, all their shame etc. onto you, and they make you feel its you who should be ashamed of yourself etc. when in fact it is their same you have been dumped with.

I cant believe you also hurt at giving others what you never had.
I find this incredibly difficult and can be mean as a result.
it does not excuse or make it ok, but i feel i can understand the parents problem with abuse, when having a child would hurt them so much as they are flash backing to past childhood hurts.

I rarely cry too, and if i do, i disassociate unintentionally. My T said its a panic response.
It really p----s my boyfriend off if i laugh too when we are in an argument or serous discussion.
Yes yes. I understand about not being able to get angry, or sad and about feeling guilty. I need to avoid videos and explanations of why people abuse, or narcissists, as that makes me empathise with abuser, whilst my T is telling me i need to get angry. She knows its difficult and there is a lot of fear around expression emotions.

It is so lovely that you feel good when you are helping someone else and sucks that that mean inner critic takes away good feeling from you. i understand.

I think i identify and understand mostly everything you have said in this post.
Keep talking and sharing. I understand the need to get all of that poison out of you. (your not poison, the abuse was and it has been sitting with in you)

I am also glad that others share their own experiences.
I think its very cathartic.

:hug Indigo

[Indigochild]

Thanks Boatsetsailrose,

I thought that might be the case

It makes sense about giving up in order to feel. Like prescription drugs, it blunts the ability to feel.
I hope it continues to help you.