Self-Help Activity 2: Review and reflect on the beginning of your recovery

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C.

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Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

2.   How long has it been since you marked the start of your recovery? Go back and reread your journal entry marking this long-ago date. What feelings surface as you reread the words that accompanied your start on the road to recovery? How many years ago was this? Was the journey worth it? Do you like where you are today, relative to yesterday? Make note of today's date and acknowledge your reactions to coming to the end of recovery. What future directions would the "new you" like to explore now?

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VeryFoggy

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I couldn't really pinpoint the start of my recovery. I think I have been trying in one way or another to recover my whole life! But one thing that is clear to me is that I drowned myself in work.  And by working all of the time, there was simply no time to think about these things.  But once I retired?  I had plenty of time, so I would say that is probably when I really started recovering even though I did not know it at that time.

My true devoted searching began with a "last straw moment" in December 2013. I originally started my deep search by researching another person, not myself. It was my father. Who I found fit to a T the diagnosis of NPD. But the deeper I dug the more I saw. And the more I saw my whole family, and what was wrong with us, and who we were, and what roles we were playing.  Once I realized I was the Scapegoat?  Then I found OOTF. And have been working very hard ever since.

It has been a tough and rocky road.   Culminating in losing pretty much everyone except my FOC.  Which is only my son and my daughter. But I also gained you and my OOTF friends and my T. Who are all helping me to see that I am okay. And that I really  needed to lose all of the others because they are blind and cannot see.

I am still amazed at the power my NPD father has exerted over the minds of even the most intelligent people in my FOO. Even people that hate him, still cannot see that they were brainwashed and trained to hate me too, and to disbelieve me. Understanding helps me,  Understanding what being the Scapegoat means and entails helps. And it helps me to feel some compassion after I get over my anger at being unheard, unseen and misunderstood once again. But it does still amaze me. His power. It is quite simply amazing.

But the best part of recovery is? I know who I am, and I am not who these people think or say I am.  I am getting really comfortable with being ME.  And knowing who I am. And I  like me quite a bit!

And being here and spending time, quality time with people who are not formulating their next argument about why I am wrong or how my perception is wrong, or what I did was wrong, or how I am just plain wrong?  Has been So uplifting and refreshing!

So, Thank You! All of you for making this journey a blessing! :hug:


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C.

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The other day I was able to "tell" my most recent story (divorce after 22 yrs., his infidelity) to a co-worker without experiencing a strong EF.  I did notice that my concentration waned temporarily and I focused on an object and that brought me back to the present.  It lasted a few minutes and then the unpleasant feelings subsided.  And I received empathy and kind words from my co-worker which made the disclosure feel appropriate and meaningful.

I think that is an example of where I was in victim reality a few years ago to the survivor, striving for thriver, now.

I am so early in recovery.  But, I've noticed that I seem to have moved through a lot of the sadness.  I think I'm in a general stage of anger/irritation right now about my FOO and FOH (Family of Husband?).  My T. sometimes comments about how I feel rebellious and that's a angry reaction, but I'm still not sure what's the purpose and how to move through to another stage, ultimately the goal of detachment and acceptance.  And no guilt about limiting contact with my FOO.  I don't think that they're as inappropriate as a lot of the stories here, but I just don't feel good around them or after I'm with them.  And I'm still in such a raw stage of healing I minimize any experience that doesn't bring me positive emotions.

Like you VF, my FOC ("kids" of 16 y.o. & 24 y.o.) continue to grow and blossom along w/our relationships.  We're on a positive, supportive trajectory.

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VeryFoggy

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Your anger and your feelings are righteous and deserved was my first response to your post C. This has not abated over time.

I think anger plays a MOST important role in recovery. If we are not angry about about unfair, undeserved treatment, that we have most definitely received then how are we to recover?

So I have learned to rage with anger and not fear it. Go into the anger, feel it. Grieve for what I wanted that was never received.

Today I was told that I was robbed. That feels right, I was robbed. My innocence was stolen from me.

It is appalling to see what we have been doing, with our loved, our beloved ones, simply repeating the same old story and trying to make it come out right this time.

But, I have hope, my good friend hope.

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C.

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Yes  :thumbup: :hug: