C-PTSD recently triggered by a break up- definite triggers involving past issues

NyxBean · July 07, 2015, 02:40:18 AM

[A little long... sorry]

Hello.

I'm a 25 year old genderfluid individual (assigned female at birth). I may also have an autistic spectrum disorder - awaiting the assessment by the specialist team and I am quite sure they will find I have either Aspergers or PDD-NOS. I would say, and have in fact read, that individuals on the spectrum can be more likely to suffer from PTSD and I imagine C-PTSD. The mixing of autistic meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout with triggered C-PTSD events are... well, they are not pretty.

In the past I was concerned that I had picked up BPD in the same manner as my abusive mother; although I know many pleasant individuals with that PD who are trying very hard to better themselves, my mother is not one of them.

About 22 days ago my partner of a year broke up with me and I suffered a spiral so severe that it shocked and scared me. I was mortified by some of the words I was saying, by my aggressive reaction (verbal) to my carer when he came to take me home, my refusal to leave unless they called the hospital or police, and then the horrifying realisation that I couldn't move. That's when the autistic-like shutdown occurred and I crumbled in on myself. My partner was still shouting at me at that point, saying that I was acting like my mother.

That last part was extremely hurtful because she is the beginning source to my C-PTSD. She would often threaten violence or death when "telling me off", bit my brother and I if we bit each other, emotionally neglected me, constantly belittled me, trashed my room to make me clean it, and tried to strangle me on at least four or five occasions - if others had not been there she probably would have killed me. A year ago when I was still in contact she put me in a pin-down while we were both drunk at my flat-warming. I was immediately and violently triggered, assuming I was once again fighting for survival. Apparently she calmly told all my shocked friends that she had done this whenever I had a tantrum as a child. Eventually she made it about her, "You hate me? Kill me then!" That would have been difficult as she still hadn't released me; I had resorted to weakly punching her in the head.

The police was called, she was made to leave, and she's been taking any chance to mess with me since then.

I have also been involved in an uncomfortable situation with a statutory rape case (I was the minor), being groomed by a paedophile who was trying to turn me into his side kick, many emotionally neglectful/abusive relationships of all forms, physical violence aimed at me when I was drunk by "friends", many abandonment scenarios, some sexual assault occurrences, and other fairly upsetting events.

Currently life is going down the toilet. My unofficial carer and friend is experiencing carer's burnout and recently explained that within a year he would be moving out of the flat. He'll be nearby and hopes to officialise his carer's status, but it's scary.

As well as that, we don't know when we'll see the social workers, whether the disability benefits will push me up to the group I should be in (otherwise I could lose money due to government changes), when my autistic spectrum assessment is, when I'll see my psychiatrist for a new med review, and when we will be able to take my senile yowling cat to the vet for advice. Add that to my ex being dishonest about getting back in touch and prolonging the spiral, as well as self-destructive habits which I won't go into and which will be mentioned to my psychologist, and my mother's usual intrusion, and you can maybe see why I'm strung out.

I decided to join the site as I found it while looking for Out of the Fog in order to show my carer and, hopefully if he will listen as I think he is a sufferer too, my ex. It was great to see that there was a sister site with a support forum. I'm not sure what I will find here but I would like to give a bit of input now and then.

My main fear is engaging IN my bad habit of mentally weighing up others issues in my head and feeling as if I don't belong.

Aside from my issues I like cats, writing, horror, fantasy, science fiction, and table-top gaming. I'm an INFJ and I'm Chaotic Good. ^_^

So, please be gentle.

VeryFoggy · July 07, 2015, 01:03:53 PM

NyxBean - Welcome and so glad you found the site. I started on Out of the Fog a year or so ago, but eventually became drawn to this one as it seemed more focused on specific things I was experiencing that were not resolved through cutting off contact with my NPD father.

I am so sorry you are going through so much anguish and turmoil. It does take a lot of time and patience and effort to work through so many difficulties. I too broke up with a SO a year ago (17 year relationship) and I thought the pain would kill me. Quite literally. Eventually I discovered by going back in my mind, and finding my wounded child and giving her the love she had never received from her parents, that the pain I felt at losing my SO was significantly reduced. I am not saying this as advice, it is simply something that helped me. Loving my wounded child myself with my adult self helped reduce my current day pain.

Some of your terminology I don't understand and have never been exposed to? I apologize for my ignorance. But what is a carer? I have not been exposed to that term?

Again I am sorry you are going through so much, and all at once. I hope you get some of your most pressing physical diagnosis and financial needs met so that you can focus on healing.

You will find many compassionate people on this site who truly care and who can empathize.

mourningdove · July 07, 2015, 03:31:12 PM

Hi NyxBean and welcome!

It seems to me that you definitely belong and I hope you will find benefit in this site.

NyxBean · July 07, 2015, 06:29:35 PM

Sorry, I'm going to blab more.

Quotethat were not resolved through cutting off contact with my NPD father

Yeah, cutting contact with anybody who is either unrepentant or simply did too much is important but it's not enough on its own. For me it was better than it might have been for others due to it never feeling like I lost anything. Gain, though, gain is important.

My ex's father sounds like a classic NPD with other tendencies (definitely violent ones) but his mother who suffered this before she escaped encourages him to continue speaking to that man. I wanted to message her about the harm that form of... apologist enabling is simply on the basis of "he's your father", but of course that would rock the boat. All I can hope for is that my ex listens to the concerns I expressed in the video I sent, actually goes to therapy, and re-evaluates his contact. He can't even say how he feels about his father so from even simply that he should take a break from speaking to him.

Sadly, both another of his exes and I see common traits shared among the two and evidence of C-PTSD in him. My ex has been tainted and has been encouraged to forgive and wave away actions in a way by his mother, who seems to be an eternal victim (always in harm's way but not on purpose or "milking it").

If he will speak to me eventually, I hope to give him resources surrounding C-PTSD if he says he is open to my ideas and will speak to them with a professional. He is a good man but what was done to him and his avoidance ruins his romantic relationships and, ultimately, will ruin him. Oh dear, mustn't cry.

Quote(17 year relationship)

I can't even comprehend that. I've only ever managed, at most, 1.8 "years" (roughly). This one hurts so much because I thought it might be the one to break the... yeah. I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of work on empathy, communication, and social skills as I am either neurologically "lacking" or the trauma has managed to destroy my capacity. Considering my paternal family history though, Aspergers is likely. The eldest child would always be the weirdest and it was yours truly who was born first. :p

QuoteLoving my wounded child myself with my adult self helped reduce my current day pain.

This makes a lot of sense. In my life right now, as turbulent as it is, I have now been fully shown exactly what my toxic mother is and actually am now privy to some of the most serious lies and actual crimes committed. This severs any lasting ties or allowances. I've never been one who can bond purely by blood; respect must be earned and if it is lost, most of your power against me dies. I can now let my inner child know how awful it really was, how much of my behaviours were either normal kid stuff or simply potentially autistic, and that she "stole" much from me. However, I have remained child-like, even within most of my depressive states, and there's a hope in me that I can be a mature-when-needed Peter Pan. Childhood does not have to be lost, I can find an alternative version in the here and now.

Now I am in touch with my father once more. He has taken some university-made tests and appears to actually be a borderline Aspergers case--as in, he almost fits the criteria. So, past the lies my mother told to drive us apart, I can also understand why he behaved in certain ways: he did not mean to ignore, he simply became hyper involved in what he was doing and, since nobody had thought to have him diagnosed, he wasn't aware that it's not considered acceptable.

As well as that, his remaining 6 hours away was far more important to his mental state than I had anticipated. I knew in the Highlands he was happy finding love again and being heavily into music once more, but I hadn't realised how much the city had robbed him of that, either between my overbearing mother or his own mother (who is telling everybody she is Bipolar but seems more NPD with BPD tendencies). Faced with these women and a competitive office job, I could see somebody in the BAP (broader autism phenotype) having a near-autistic burnout and depression, as well as any "typical" individual! While some might think it was selfish and point to the fact he did not take my sibling and I to Italy when he went with a new family, our mother was acting as if he had the cash whereas the family probably paid his ticket.

For my father and mother, empathy is an issue. In my father it is innocent, as simply matter of a slow cognitive process which, when questioned will bring out honest and full explanations without excuses. With my mother, she doesn't care that she is empathy-impaired. She might not even believe she is and if anybody tried to tell her, she'd shout or hit them.

I always was a Daddy's girl.

QuoteBut what is a carer?

A carer is seemingly called a caregiver when not in an official capacity. People usually think of this as simply for the elderly, physically disabled, or severely mentally handicapped, but really any person who cannot live without aid should receive care. Usually if you don't fit into a specific type of condition, professional help is going to be hard to get. For instance, an agoraphobic C-PTSD sufferer would have to fight their case harder than an autistic individual with comorbid issues, even if both people are afraid to go out alone or even use the kitchen appliances due to fear of harm.

It seems like much of the time friends and family take on the role without proper understanding and then get caregiver's burnout http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiving-stress-and-burnout.htm. If you have anybody who looks after you or others in an unofficial capacity, you might want to pass them that link. It's very helpful.

Thank you for you kind welcomes, VeryFoggy and mourningdove.

VeryFoggy · July 08, 2015, 03:22:01 AM

Thank you for sharing Nyxbean. There is an awful lot of pain in your story. I am so sorry.

For me one of the hardest and most difficult parts of my recovery has been that I could not help anyone else I loved. It made me feel sad, and like a failure to not be able to help them. Yes, my loved ones are sick, yes, they have terrible issues. But in the end I found there was only one person I could really and truly affect and change. And that was me. And I found out that if I changed? Then they changed too. I could advise them to go to therapy? But I could not make them. But learning about boundaries and setting limits with them helped me get better.

And sadly I have ended up losing most of them, but the peace I have gained has been worth the loss. All of their drama simply exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms and exhausted me. And finding myself, and who I am, and what I want. and where I want to go is peaceful and calm, and comforting.

You will find a lot of that here. People who will support you and your recovery and where you want to go and what you want to do. It is after all your life!

So I hope you take a look around and find that some of the forums have meaning for you, and will assist you on your journey. And always remember we have all had to start from somewhere, and the first step is always the hardest. I am wishing you the very best on your journey to find yourself with us.

Kizzie · July 08, 2015, 03:22:31 AM

Hi and welcome to OOTS Nyxbean

You asked that we be gentle with you (and I think you'll find we are), but I would suggest that with so much on your plate you also need to be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can.

CPTSD is complex and ir develops as a result of ongoing abuse so there are a lot of layers to work through, not something that happens overnight. It sounds like you do have professional help in place and hopefully a carer, and now you've come here. We aren't professionals so the best we can do is share our own experiences and make some suggestions, but here you will not be alone with all that you have endured for we have gone through similar abuse.

If/when you have the time search self-compassion and/or self-care (upper right hand corner of the screen) as many of us find is the first step toward recovery. You may also want to check out Pete Walker's web site (http://www.pete-walker.com/) as he is one of the first to use the term emotional flashback and it sounds like you have a lot of those. Finally, there is another site which may also help you called MyPTSD (https://www.myptsd.com/) in that from what you've described your trauma seems to be a combination of ongoing abuse and a series of single traumatic incidents

Glad you found your way here

NyxBean · July 08, 2015, 10:00:31 PM

QuoteThank you for sharing Nyxbean. There is an awful lot of pain in your story. I am so sorry.

I appreciate that. Just got triggered by screaming neighbours and went back from a step of progress. I really, really want to contribute to a thread or two right now so I feel I am supporting others but I'm not sure entirely how words work at this precise time. If I can't find something today, I'll try again tomorrow.

QuoteFor me one of the hardest and most difficult parts of my recovery has been that I could not help anyone else I loved.

I'm not sure in what way your loved ones are unwell. I have quite a few people around me going through various mental issues, it seems like the season of triggers or something. I do try to help with words but the one I felt safe around refused to let me help him. I think I could, if in a small way while working on my own stuff, but I didn't even get the chance to try.

I'm sorry to hear that your loved ones are not well and I hope some alleviation occurs soon.

QuoteAnd sadly I have ended up losing most of them, but the peace I have gained has been worth the loss. All of their drama simply exacerbated my CPTSD symptoms and exhausted me. And finding myself, and who I am, and what I want. and where I want to go is peaceful and calm, and comforting.

I can understand that. I pretty much rolled out a no-nonsense rule a few years ago. That's why I have no contact with almost all of my family and why a lot of friends left or were let go. My FB feed (agoraphobia so my only place to talk) is intense so I can understand when people tell me they have unfollowed it but they hardly ever do. Thinking of finding a whole list msg function and asking those who don't even check in to simply move on.

For myself, I think there is always going to be passionate responses, but I want them to be controlled and I want to not hurt others through them. I want the responses to matter and have purpose. I want zest, not unhelpful discord.

QuoteI am wishing you the very best on your journey to find yourself with us.

Thank you. This whole board seems to be very comforting. I'm not sure if any of my other friends have C-PTSD; it's hard to keep up with all their diagnoses. I have a friend who was originally diagnosed with it but now gets switched between Bipolar I and schizoeffective disorder along with potential dissociative identity and her newly diagnosed Aspergers. It must be hard for her to have the first two diagnoses changed so often. She really wants them to just stick to one. I think it was the Bipolar she favoured as it made more sense to her, but I can't quite remember.

Anyway, if anybody opens up because of my talking about my own, I'll direct them this way.

QuoteHi and welcome to OOTS Nyxbean

Hello, Kizzie

QuoteI would suggest that with so much on your plate you also need to be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can.

This definitely makes sense. If you go for the Myers-Briggs at all, I'm suppose to be INFJ, "The Counselor". So often I want to be assisting others, learning through them as they explore/heal, and generally trying to make life easier on others. It's something I take solace in because I seem to be fairly good at it. Unfortunately it may have to be taken down a few notches at the moment, which in turn makes me feel selfish and useless.

I know those feelings come from the scrambled part of my mind, depression and other issues playing their tricks, so hopefully I can get past them soon.

QuoteIt sounds like you do have professional help in place and hopefully a carer, and now you've come here.

Yup, got the psychologist and psychiatrist, though I have to wait for the Aspergers screening before I can continue with actual therapy.

If I get the diagnoses then the city's support network for autistics will be open to me, which will be wonderful.

My unofficial carer who is going through burnout is getting assessed by social workers and will get aid and maybe become official, while they will assess my needs and decide how to help.

There's a lot that I'm waiting around for. I don't even know when these are happening and already my poor carer is arguing with the social work department as they are trying to leave it all until November, putting our situation in the lowest urgency category even though it was explained to them what was going on.

I hope for my carer's sake that they at least see him soon. We're firing off each other.

QuoteIf/when you have the time

I might do that once I've calmed down from recent freak out. Otherwise tomorrow. Thanks for sending me in the right directions and for welcoming me so kindly.