Having a hard time

[Cottonanx]

My mother arrived yesterday for an extended visit. She isn't being particularly horrible. No worse than usual, certainly. Maybe even not as bad as usual. But having her in my house AT ALL is giving me headaches, nausea, stomach pain, weakness, and an all-over sensation of fear. She has no idea that I'm coming out of the storm and recognizing her as having been emotionally abusive and neglectful to me all my life. I haven't had these flashback symptoms on her previous visits when I was still in denial about her. I had self-loathing thoughts instead. I guess flashbacks aren't as bad as self-hate, but I don't really know how to deal with it. I would rather not ask her to leave, because that will create drama. I would like to find a way to take care of myself while she's here, and then eventually she will leave on her own and then maybe I won't have to see her for a long time. But I don't know how to go about my normal life when my whole body hurts! And most people think my mother is the nicest, sweetest person on the planet, so it's hard to explain!

[C.]

I am sorry for the unpleasantness you are experiencing right now.  Our parents should have been a solace, a comfort and a support as children, teens and even now.  But they were not.  The fact that you feel this way, yet your M continues to be present and unaware speaks loudly I think.  And that your own body is telling you so clearly about the pain.  It's like your body is affirming the emotional pain maybe?

Your story sounds familiar to mine.  Let me share it with you some hopefully for some validation and maybe even ideas of how you want to deal with your own, current situation.  I trust that whatever you decide, do or don't do, it is ok and right for you right now. 

My mom is unaware, wants to be a "good" mom, but cannot stop referencing everything to herself.  Cover N most likely.  And she's old.  And I don't want to hurt her.  I've been in an avoidance pattern for a long time.  It's just too painful to be around her.  I think like you I simply felt insecure and unhappy around her before, during denial.  Now I'm very aware and noticing all of the inappropriate behavior.

And your tagline of parentification is spot on for me.  I'm pretty sure I took on the role of making my mom "happy" from birth?  Toddlerhood?  Helping her cope w/an abusive husband by listening and advising at age 10.  10 years old.  I would never ask that or receive it from a 10 year old. I'd respond with something like "I so appreciate your concern for me, but I'll be ok and take care of it, I don't want it to be something for you to worry about."  Now my father wants to confide his unpleasant emotions w/me for advice.  I didn't ever get what I needed so I'm no longer interested.  Not necessarily angry or stuck or unforgiving.  I just cannot do it anymore.  So I've mostly been avoiding.

Then my mom returned and was mostly appropriate, but in great part b/c I'm learning to be assertive with her.  So I clarify what is ME and what in NOT me when we talk.  I state what I need.  What I'm willing to do, and not willing to do.  In my situation it's gr ;)adually beginning to work and I also spend little time with her.  I think that on the spectrum of assertiveness those of us w/poor parenting experiences either regress to the do nothing of a young child or the rebellious anger of a teen, lashing out.  At least that was my experience.  Now, with three years of therapy, the help of my T, this website, reading, reflecting, and praying, I am just beginning to understand and be able to assert myself appropriately.  I know that if I cannot assert myself around her I will be stressed, unhappy or in an EF.

One of my current focuses w/my T. is learning to assert myself w/my own parents.  And I'm approaching 50 yrs old.  I try not to think about that too much haha 

Being human for me seems to now include a lot of pain, healing, and growth.

I don't know the best thing for you to do in your current situation.  But like I mentioned before, I trust that you will figure that out. 

[Indigochild]

Hey Cottonax

Trigger warnings

Maybe now you are more aware of how having your mum around makes you feel, now that you are coming out of the storm.
Yes, the fact that she hasn't even noticed that you are actually afraid, and more aware, speaks volumes.

How you feel is reflected in physical sensations. When there is a split between mind and body due to numbing and dissociation, they are not connected and you only feel the physical. These are trapped emotions that are being suppressed. They have to come out somehow and they come out through the body.

I do think that having self loathing thoughts are flashbacks. They come from your parents abuse most likely. Know one just comes into this world feeling automatically bad about themselves.
A child can not think for itself.  They are taught what to feel about ones self.
With emotional abuse, these messages were engraved into the brain on and on over a life time, and are deeply entrenched.

If your mum is a Narcissist, she may gain pleasure out of knowing you are struggling having her here, and not being able to tell her to go. That is a trap.

I hear you and I understand you. It is hard when everyone else thinks your crazy because they see your mother as being so nice.
Its horrible , horrible!!! Narcasists want their selves to be portrayed to the world as nice so that they can carry on destroying their victims. the fact that victim can do nothing about it is good to them.

You should look up videos on Narcasism, as in NPD the disorder, theres lots on youtube that you might be able to match to your experience. I think its harder when its your parent, but you should check out:
http://www.lightshouse.org/all-about-narcissists.html#axzz3fKnyAzI5
about personality disordered parents.
It wont diagnose, but it will give you an idea if she has traits.

Parents should still be here for us, and theres not much hope for a mother who hasn't been here for a person before, had never talke about their parenting errors, is probably unaware themselves, they are probably not going to change. I hope this isn't too blunt.
Well, i know it is, but i hope you knew this.

It does feel weird to me, that my parents are not supportive with my journey of finding out the truth about them and my childhood.
As a child, you need parental validation that you are doing ok, and that the things you are experiencing, are not just in your head.
Maybe i still need this - which is strange to me- as I never received validation or support from them, yet i keep expecting my mum to pop up and tell me to get out of therapy.
She was very unsaportive. 
Maybe its the idea that parents should be here for you, but realising that they never could be, and would never be on your team and support you to therapy sessions, when you are seeing that they abused you - they would deny it etc.
This is the most important thing ive ever done in my entire life, and they are not here for that.  I can only be proud of myself if I am at all proud.
I think realising what i have about my childhood, i realise so much more that they are NOT here for me. They do not have my best interests at heart- but i am only just beginning to realise that they NEVER DID.

If you need anyone to chat to if this is all too much , I'm here any time.
Sorry if this was too much. Im sorry i dont know how to deal with your mum. Im learning about Narcasism all the time after having a narc mum who i dont see hardly ever, and running into a narc lately, so I'm not sure how to deal with them.

I hope you feel better soon. You should do something nice for yourself after all the stress you've been under.

[Cottonanx]

Thank you, C. and Indigochild.

My whole body hurts. It's ridiculous.

I believe my mother is more OCPD than N. Or maybe some type of garden variety crazy that doesn't have a label. She just doesn't perceive things...really important things...but what little she does perceive, she blows over-the-top out of proportion. She is capable of feeling empathy; it just gets misdirected somehow. Inflicted, somehow.