first post

[mutualsoul]

Hello,  just a short post to announce I'm new here.   I'm pretty shy before I get to know my surroundings, and yes it is because of my c-ptsd.   I like reading your posts, thank you for taking the time to post comments.   I just recently finished reading Pete Walker's book about c-ptsd.  What an emotional experience!   The book is now completely tabbed and full of annotations.  What a gold mine of information!  I'm in the market for a understanding therapist in my area.   Perhaps this time therapy will be easier and more useful.   So that's it for now.   Good to meet you!  MS

[mourningdove]

Hi mutualsoul and welcome! 

[VeryFoggy]

Welcome MutualSoul!  Nice to have you here and I hope you will find it comforting, and welcome, and safe.

Yes!  Pete Walker's book is amazing, and a blessing to all of us who suffer from CPTSD!  So many things that never made sense are completely explained and now understandable!

I wish you success in finding a therapist.  I found I sort of had to diagnose myself in the end. I had seen many therapists off and on, but no one came close to actually addressing the problems I had.  So after studying for a year alone, I took all of my studies, knowledge and conclusions to my current therapist when I did not know her from Adam.  And I interviewed her. I asked her what she knew about NPD, the family roles, was she familiar with the Scapegoat, told her that I identified with that role, and asked her if she knew about CPTSD, and had she any experience treating it? From all of her most compassionate answers I could tell she knew what she was talking about and could definitely care for me in more ways than one. And if I was wrong in my own diagnosis?  She would still be able to help me. It was the best thing I ever did for myself!  So I wish you the same success!

Welcome again and we are glad to have you!

[DaisyMae]

Hello and Welcome Mutualsoul!  Pete Walker's books are excellent resources.  You might want to also check out Jonice Webb's book called Running on Empty about Childhood Neglect.  If your experiences are like many us and you had parents or other family members that were narcissists, then another good resource is the book "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family" by Eleanor Payson.  This is the first place (other than my therapists office) that I have felt safe and among friends.  I was nervous at first but getting more comfortable.  Hope that you find the same comfort here and we can help each other in our journey's.   

[mutualsoul]

Hi morningdove. 

Thank you VeryFoggy, good advice!  My therapists before this understanding also treated only symptoms or were too "blank screen approach" to actually help.   I'm hopful that my own personal work through reading the book in combination with being choosy will net some new results.   I kinda feel so empowered that I could totally do this without a therapist, but knowing the tricky nature of the inner critic I'm thinking maybe I should set up a safety net to outsmart myself this time...    plus it would be a great exercise for the trust issues!

DaisyMae, yes, I'm playing with the same deck.  For me, it was my father who was the NPD.  I've had to realize what a great enabler my mother is as well,  and honestly it feels like another betrayal.   I've been on low contact for two years now.   I'd really like to move to no contact,  but I'm terrified of the confrontation.   I'm convinced my older brother has a strong case of c-ptsd as well, but is now showing signs of NPD.  So I'm kinda feeling like an orphan in the world.   It's an honest hurt this time- perhaps this time it can heal cleaner than when there was no understanding.   My codependent training and experiences through childhood set me up for some tragic experiences later, chiefly meeting and marrying a socialized psychopath, to whom I gave a decade of my life.  I have to admit, I'm thankful for the experience, because otherwise I wouldn't have gone looking to heal myself, and I wouldn't be here today.

And just to end on a happy note, I'm also very motivated to do my best because I met a good man almost three years ago, and we are engaged to be married next fall.   It hasn't been easy to stay because I'm uncomfortable with being loved.  Everyday I wake up and intentionally choose to be brave and so far so good.   

Thank you all for your conversation, it helps to make me feel less awkward.   Maybe now I can find a place where my thoughts would be helpful here.