Workaholic and Disassociating to the Escape the Pain

[DaisyMae]

I was wondering if there is anyone that is a recovering workaholic or currently is a workaholic as a result of CPTSD?  Any suggestions on any type of therapy, websites, books on the subject that have been helpful to anyone in the effort to work less and achieve a healthy work / life balance?

I have been a workaholic since I was 13 and could start working.  At 13 it was babysitting, rolling and throwing papers, and general housework for a family that was much healthier than my own.  And, I participated in as many school activities as I could so that I basically was only at my parents house to shower and sleep.  It was not home for me, it was their house.  School was my home.  By 16, I was working full time as a shift leader at a local fast food restaurant.  I worked 40+ hours a week, went to school, took on college credit courses, and still did many school activities.  Work became my home.  I was comfortable there, I felt safe.  To get everything done, especially homework, I had to stay up late and was lucky to get 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night.  Worked 2 jobs during the summers.   In college, did the same.  Worked full time, studied, went to class, and went to other people's houses to hang out.   I would stay at my boyfriend's house until 1 or 2 in the morning and then come home because it would look bad to the neighbors if my car was not home, they would think I was a woman of ill repute, only my father used names that were much more derogatory.  I would take extra classes in the summer and work 2 jobs. 

That is how my workaholism began.  I learned to just work, work ,work and never rest and relax so that I could disassociate from all feelings or emotions.  Not think about what a bad person I was, how worthless I felt or how out of place I seemed to be.  In my adult life, the workaholism only got worse in addition to using alcohol to cope.  At one point for several years, I had to work my own job and then take care of my grandparents bar, businesses, and rental property,  The bar was open 6AM to 1:30AM, 6 days a week.  There is much more to that story but not going to go in to all that.  But, to say the least, not sure that Workaholic accurately describes it.  I worked 7 days a week anywhere from 12 to 20 hours a day.  For 6 years.... and it almost ended me.  I have sold the businesses and property's but was promoted at work and am working 10 to 12 hour days 6 to 7 days a week to work towards changing the company culture.  So, you can imagine, I am awkward in social settings.  I am also exhausted most of the time.  I do not really know how to have fun or what to do for fun (other than to eat & drink.......).  I can laugh, I do that to keep from going crazy.  Laugh at comedy, silly humor, cartoons, the stupider the better.  But I have never felt or been happy.  My T is always trying to help me identify something that would make me happy or to help me feel joy.  It is a struggle.  If anyone can relate, I would really like to hear from you.

Thank you,  DM

[rtfm]

I need to put *** TRIGGER WARNINGS *** on this, because I want to be really honest in my response and it may be hard for others to read - about alcohol, and depression, and some very unpleasant self talk.

Hi DaisyMae, yes, I totally relate and am so sorry you're experiencing this. This is a central problem for me and it's tied directly to the reasons for my cPTSD in the first place. My parents made it clear that I didn't have any right to exist, that I had to earn it, and it could be taken away at any moment if I hadn't "earned" my right to exist properly.

I haven't been able to crack the code of coping with the driver of the workaholism - I hate myself when I'm not working, as in, my depression and self loathing are so loud and angry and vicious that it's exhausting to function.  There is a voice in my head that I fear, and that voice screams that I should die if I'm not working.  Working "earns" my right to exist...if I leave anything undone, it is an act of rebellion, defiance, and I always, always lose the emotional argument that rages in my head if I try.  I have about 10 hours of work I need to do today (Sunday) and I'm so shut down typing this that I can barely see....I will only become clear headed again when I'm back to work.

And so the only times I allow myself to relax are when I drink to numb the self-hatred I feel from relaxing.  It works for a little while, but drinking exacerbates depression, so after awhile I wake up hating myself more than I can even describe. And what cures that hatred?  Work!  And what numbs the misery of working all the time? Alcohol!  Eating/drinking out were, for most of my life, my only "allowed" downtimes, so of course when I'm more stressed and overwhelmed I go out more. With my laptop. To work while I eat and drink out.  Seriously, I'm the one at the bar with the laptop.

I don't have any answers for you. I'm struggling with this more as I get older and realise this really is not how I want to spend my life.  I go for walks a lot. I make myself spend Saturdays without any work (most of the time I fail, but you know) and with friends or at least outside.  But even then there are rules - I can't spend the day napping or reading or doing nothing or in front of the TV unless I'm actually quite sick. If I try it, I pay so badly the next day with self loathing it's insane.  I can go outside, go for a walk, go out with friends, accompany my partner in her hobby.  So I focus on those things, to create at least one day a week that isn't work. 

Knowing my triggers is critical.  Knowing that I have to "earn" the right to do a thing that I enjoy means that I don't take therapists' advice on finding something I love and doing it. That's for other people, people whose self loathing isn't tied to earning the right to live, whose self loathing won't flare up if they do something they love. Instead I find things that don't trigger me, and gradually and slowly expand the edges.  If walking is OK, then walking daily is OK as long as it doesn't interfere with my to-do list.  If walking daily is OK, and going out with friends on Satuday is OK, then an unplanned Wednesday drink is maybe maybe ok (most of the time not, but sometimes).  I take my laptop to the waterfront, because at least I'm near the water which calms me down.  These things seem insane to others, but to me they're a compromise that lets me craft new boundaries wholesale out of a deeply sick inner life.

The only time I've ever been mostly free of it was in grad school, where we were on an accelerated schedule and I took on paid work and project work, and I STILL worked less and with less stress than I ever had in my life. But because I was in grad school, it was OK in my mind...I was, in fact, earning my right to exist.  I still had a lot of self loathing and fear but it was nowhere near what I feel now that I'm back in the workforce. I think about it daily because I want to solve the problem. I recognize it as a sickness and a problem, and not a reality or truth that I have to live within, which is a big deal for me. So from there...maybe I can start gradually creating another reality?

Please keep us posted on your progress too.  Just knowing someone else goes through this is so helpful to me, I'm so grateful you posted.

Wishing you peace

[DaisyMae]

Thank you rtfm.  I was beginning to think I was alone on this one.  And, a trigger warning is fair.  When I started to read this the first time, I could not finish it and I live this nightmare already.  Had to take a break and collect myself, come back to it.  But, it was good for me that someone else shared their struggle.  That is me as well, the person at the bar or at a table with their laptop and smartphone never taking an actual break.  And, I always feel behind on my work.  So, that makes sense. At night the anxiety heightens because I feel like I should continue working because I have stuff I need to get done and because I am exhausted and can't work anymore, I feel like a failure.  I am not earning my right to exist. To relax, I drink.  Then I feel guilty and weak because I have to drink to numb myself and can't get it together to do more work.

I don't do a real good job at taking my T's advice very well either.  I used to be an avid antique collector and would spend my weekends at auctions and estate sales to relax.  But, my husband makes me feel guilty about this activity because I have so much stuff and I realized that this was not a healthy obsession or hobby for me because it is basically another addiction.  I was trying to numb myself in another way.  I would buy things because I wanted to take care of, protect things that were important to others who are no longer here to do so with the things they cherished.  I didn't want to sell any of it.  I tried briefly, made good money, but felt guilty for letting the items go.  It was also like being on a binge.  I would spend a morning or afternoon, looking for treasure and spend, spend, spend.  Then would get home and have to crash to sleep it off.  I felt guilty and then I would have to work that much harder to make up for what I had done.  I still go occasionally to an estate sale or auction just to see if I can handle it.  But, I have found that they are triggering for me and I have a hard time being able to relax, enjoy, and feel good about doing it.  I will keep trying, because antiques are something I have always enjoyed and planned on collecting and selling in my retirement, if I ever get there.....

I am trying to stay connected on this forum.  Sometimes I have to take a break for a couple of days and sort out how I feel because so much is triggering.  There are so many on this site that are so supportive and understanding, I feel like I have made more progress here in just a few weeks than I have in counseling over the last couple of years.  I realize that I needed the counseling however, to even get to the point that I would be able to participate in a group forum.  And, I am sure that I still could not handle group therapy where I was sitting with others face to face.  I am trying to create a different reality as well.   I will keep you posted, please do the same.  I am grateful that you responded to this post and for your support.  It is awful that anyone suffers this way, but feel fortunate that there is someone else out there that can relate and we can help each other.

[rtfm]

  back to you, DM. You're definitely not alone. I'm sorry my post stressed you out, thank you for your response. I'm so, so sorry to read that you struggle with some of the same drivers and self-talk I do. 

I fear that workaholism isn't something people understand very well, and I think it's hard for people to understand just what a numbing relief it is to run to something like work, but it is every bit as damaging as any other addiction. I daydream about running off to a country where working too much is seriously frowned on (or perhaps impossible, or prohibited by law), but I know myself well enough to know that it wouldn't matter. My drive is from the inside and I have to face it and fix it. Which is just...a long, hard slog.

I hear you, too, on the counseling and the board. I feel like I'm not alone here, when sometimes my T was helpful, wise, amazing....but didn't really know what it's like to live in this space. But then I stay away for long periods of time because it's just really hard to be here.

Peace and hugs to you. And not to make light of it, but I'll raise a glass if I ever see anybody else in the pub with a computer, just in case it's you. 

[hypervigilante]

I feel extremely connected with you both, especially the feeling that nothing is deserved if it isn't earned. That drives my life constantly. It leaves me damaging things, making life more complicated so I can approach it with a work mentality. It is amazing how productive we can be, but trying to be productive for yourself and your mental health is just a scary, scary monster to me. Mornings when I don't have much work to do, I sleep in to avoid being with myself for too long. It's a productive coping skill, but I wish I could learn how to be on my way to living a healthier life.