Tired of Talking about the same things over and over

[Dyess]

Do you ever feel like you are too tired about talking about all this anymore? You can't see beyond today, just getting through the day is struggle? I see myself turning in to my Dad and the end result wasn't good. That turning point is just not coming around.

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh yes Trace! It such a bore at times.

I have a question: did your Dad seek help like you do? Did your Dad 'question' his own behavior like you question yours?


I ask this because "I see myself turning into my Dad" as well, and that is a major driving force to continue on my laborious, boring and at times utterly frustrating journey.
And I'm pretty sure my Dad never did what I do now.
So at least that holds a promise I am not turning out as Dad  . It keeps the hope alive  .

 

[Dyess]

No Dad was too macho to admit anything was wrong, or to get help, he was tired of living and not being able to find the happiness he once had, then health issues came into play. It just scares me that I am not going to pull out of this and end up like him living so unhappy and until he couldn't take it anymore. That's when he ended his life and I don't know when he made that decision that was even an option. What we don't know is what scares me most.

[no_more_fear]

No Dad was too macho to admit anything was wrong, or to get help, he was tired of living and not being able to find the happiness he once had, then health issues came into play. It just scares me that I am not going to pull out of this and end up like him living so unhappy and until he couldn't take it anymore. That's when he ended his life and I don't know when he made that decision that was even an option. What we don't know is what scares me most.

I'm so sorry that he took his own life and you went through that. I can now understand why someone would go to those lengths becaue the pain is so bad, not that I'm condoning it, I just understand it a bit better. You are in no way going to go down the same path though. You said that he wouldn't admit there was a problem, but you have. You're getting the help you need.

And God, yes, I'm so tired of thinking and talking about the same things over and over, but that's how we'll work through these issues and eventually heal, so it just has to be done. So don't feel bad for talking about the same things, I know I am. It's what we have to do right now. Be kind to yourself. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I second no_more_guilt's assessment:

You are in no way going to go down the same path though. You said that he wouldn't admit there was a problem, but you have. You're getting the help you need.

[Dyess]

well I said he wouldn't admit something was wrong, that doesn't mean he didn't know something was wrong. He just didn't share that with me, he was protective and didn't want to worry me. I'm sure this had something to do with his suicide in that he didn't want to burden me, or worry me. He and I think so much a like it was scary and still is.

[fairyslipper]

I have felt that way too, that you just get so tired of talking about it.  As time has gone on tho I have realized it does end. You will notice several days and then several weeks and months have gone by without you thinking about it or mentioning it and then it just becomes something you express when something triggers an old feeling. It seems to be that way during each phase or layer of recovery too. I almost feel like we just need to let it out, verbalize it until we don't anymore. Then it is done. It loses its hold over us, which is SO insanely freeing.  The turning point took years for me, but it DID come.

I am sorry about your dad and that you had to go through something like that with your parent. You are taking steps to heal  yourself and work through this.  By working through our recovery even tho there are similar thinking patterns to our parents, which there definitely are with so many of us; we learn how to derail them and move through them. I could see so much of my mom in myself and it scared and disgusted me. Then I realized, she was too afraid, maybe too comfortable in her own misery to do the work to get better. It also helps to have a place like this where it feels safe to let it out. For me journaling like a fool helped too.   

[Dyess]

Thanks for the response Fairyslipper. I'm glad to hear you found your turning point, that must have been awesome. You would think by now, in this day and time, that we would have progressed to a point where finding this turning point would not be so elusive and that MH professionals could get us there quicker.
"similar thinking patterns to our parents, which there definitely are with so many of us; we learn how to derail them and move through them"  I think this would be easier if it was one or two thoughts, but in my case it's usually and windfall of thoughts, feelings and emotions at one time and it's too frustrating trying to figure out which one needs to be addressed first. So you don't deal with them, instead you isolate yourself and back into a corner.

[sasha~]

I'm not sure if this will help, but it's something I've been working on this week.

My husband (who is a non) was helping me with a flow chart I was making. I needed to see things (past and present) in some kind of concrete format. I kept getting stuck at why did ABUSER do ABUSE. My first block in the flow chart was "because I was bad and deserved it" which led to "I tried harder but it didn't work" and "I couldn't be good enough" and "I'm not good" and "no one would help me" -- it was a whole flow chart along these lines, where I was continually repeating the "try harder" and "still not good enough" or "still bad" or "still deserve it".

My husband said something like, "hang on there is more to a flow chart than this." The said, for example, after "Why did ABUSER do ABUSE" I put "Because I was bad/deserved it" and he said next should be (if it was a flow chart) "Is this true: yes or no"  By leaving out this step, I was essentially answering "yes" and carrying on with each step, with the unexamined and unwritten "is this true" always being yes and always leading to the next item I put on the flow chart (try harder, doesn't work, try to explain, doesn't work, etc.)

So he said half the flow chart is totally missing -- the whole challenge part... the NO part.

So he said what if the answer to "I was bad" is this true or not is: NO. Not true. Then I need a new arrow and some new boxes and, in fact, a whole new arm (are they called arms?) of the flow chart. If the answer is "No, I didn't deserve it" then we're back up to "Why did ABUSER do ABUSE" and -- if I'm not bad -- then it must be because THE ABUSER WAS BAD (or wrong or screwed up or mentally ill or whatever -- DH volunteered the adjective "evil" as one option).

I think often we believe the narrative and, to us, there is no other option, no other narrative, no other path to take, no other "arm" to the flow chart. Many of us were brainwashed into thinking this.

Hubby also made another really critical point -- and I think this is where it comes in to your story -- while the original flow chart I had done (my fault - not good enough - try harder - still bad person) was my REALITY it was not TRUE. This was my reality. This is what we lived with and grew up believing and often still believe now -- this is the reality created by long term abusers and it's the reality of anyone with CPTSD. However, it's not TRUE.

It's REAL but it's not TRUE. So it doesn't invalidate our experiences and our feelings. They were very very real and very influential and often feel like the totality of who we are. (I almost always feel either abnormal or bad, although I've spent years perfecting a normal appearance and trying so hard to do good all the time.) This was our reality, but it was a lie... what they said about us were lies... what they made us say to keep up the deception to others were lies... who they said I am was a lie -- none of it was TRUE.

What is true is that the perpetrators did this, the perpetrators are at fault, the perpetrators are to blame for beginning and continuing the abuse, and the perpetrators concocted a lie so big and so overwhelming and so brainwashing that it became almost the very essence of how we see ourselves. But it's a lie.

I kept getting stuck because I kept coming back to the same place over and over, but that was an incomplete narrative. It was my reality -- but it was in complete. It was not the whole story. More needed to be added to make the narrative complete, and that part was where we challenge the narrative that our abusers created and add a completely different section to the narrative: the part where we are good, innocent, where we are trying very hard, the part where we were injured but not bad, we were harmed but we didn't deserve it because that narrative just isn't true.

I'm not sure I'm conveying this well, but I hope it helps. It's kind of a slippery concept for me and sometimes I feel like I grasp it and sometimes I can't and it slips away.

[sunnyday1]

well I said he wouldn't admit something was wrong, that doesn't mean he didn't know something was wrong. He just didn't share that with me, he was protective and didn't want to worry me. I'm sure this had something to do with his suicide in that he didn't want to burden me, or worry me. He and I think so much a like it was scary and still is.

Trace, you're here and you are asking questions.  That counts for a lot. 

[Dyess]

I guess there's just no guarantee what you will do in the future. We don't really know how we will respond until that time comes. I do want to get out of this "fog" and start living again, I'm just existing now. So much is up in the air with my job, insurance, income, etc......and the strange part is it's not really worrying me, it's like it's not my problem, but it is. What I'm saying is it is so unlike me. I've always prepared for the future, but now I can't see a future. hard to explain.

[Brick]

Do you ever feel like you are too tired about talking about all this anymore? You can't see beyond today, just getting through the day is struggle?

Yes.

A resounding yes.

I see myself turning in to my Dad and the end result wasn't good. That turning point is just not coming around.

Yes.

I'm deeply sorry for how you experienced the loss of your father. It compounds a reliance on your memory of him, and affects that memory. We internalize our parents and know what they would think in the present. But we aren't them. My own father didn't act to seek a turning point, so some part of me denied a turning point for myself.

Sometimes, I only see turning points when I look in the mirror and realize I've passed them. My road changed direction while I was worrying what dad would have done. It started with a wish to not be dad. It's becoming a wish to be me.

Even in the "fog" you're still you, and your being here makes a big difference

[Dyess]

Thanks Brick at least someone else understands. One day at a time I guess.