[C.]

Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

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I thought that it might be helpful to review our steps this week too.  You are welcome to post within another topic related to a step.  Or comment here.

Here are the stages and steps:

STAGE ONE:  REMEMBERING   
1.   I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.
2.   I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child.
3.   I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse.
4.   I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my mind.
5.   I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible.
6.   I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse,but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.
7.   I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated.

STAGE TWO:  MOURNING
8.   I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.
9.   I have identified the parts of myself connected to self-sabotage.
10.   I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.
11.   I can identify faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions in myself and others.
12.   I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.
13.   I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live.
14.   I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who failed me.

STAGE THREE:  HEALING
15.   I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
16.   I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.
17.   I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.
18.   I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.
19.   I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.
20.   I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting, and play.
21.   I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.

[C.]

After reviewing the steps I noticed that I may be in a variety, mostly stages 2 & 3, during any time frame.  But, at the moment I think that I'm mostly in Step 13.  My T has commented that he observes how I seem to be "counter-culture" meaning that I don't value or aspire to what a lot of the dominant culture and/or my FOO prescribe.  Money, house, education...I like having good shelter, being able to do what I choose and learning, but definitely not in the way I see so many people around me participate.  I don't judge or de-value.  I think I'm just different and I'm learning to be ok w/that and to understand how much my own insecurities about my "success" and "status" stem from wrong beliefs ingrained in to my mind.  Like my mom saying it's not really possible to be close friends w/someone who's not college educated, or my son wanting a "nice" house.  We live in a clean, well-furnished, peaceful space that I like.  I don't want the standard manicured lawn.  I like Mexican music.  Loud, busy sounds are fine w/me.  I am one of the oldest "child" of hippy parents I know.  My parents were involved in the "Peace" movement in the US at least when it began in the Berkley/Sanfransisco area in the mid-sixties.  Most people I meet who have parents similar to mine are in their twenties or thirties, maybe early forties.  I'm "almost" fifty.  You know how kids try to make themselves sound a little older to feel mature and cool, I like the irony of doing the same w/my age in the later years.  Again, counter-culture I suppose.  Maturity should be good and valued I think whereas so many people try to seem younger.

I'm also figuring out what is a reaction or rebellion.  At the moment I'm rebelling against all things environmental.  I used to joke that my parents were too busy hugging trees to hug me, but it's rather true.  So I'm using only disposable dishes and not always recycling and using the drier not the clothes line, etc. haha   And I don't feel guilty or care much at the moment.  I need the reduced stress.  But a part of me feels pleasure in opposing "them" which is probably not where I want to stay, but it feels good for the time being.  I do believe in recycling and taking care of our planet, but not doing so in certain areas of my life feels like the rebellion I need regards my FOO.

[VeryFoggy]

So much of your post I can relate to C!  Like not ascribing to what others consider the mandated way of doing things, what are the most important things to others?  They are as you say, things I LIKE?  But they are not the be all and end all of my existence.

For example, my sister and her best friend spend a tremendous amount of time discussing what they have bought, what they plan to buy and what they would like to buy.  And it drives me insane. With both of them, many times, I have tried to discuss feelings and thoughts and beliefs.  They treat like I am crazy. And BOTH of them then accuse me of thinking, believing and feeling things I do not. So I am no contact with both. We just can't understand each other at all.  I suspect they are both N's. They are very superficial people. But I totally get that feeling of being different and we are.  And we like ourselves anyway.

Also that feeling of being in rebellion a bit towards your parents.  I also get that.  For example mine are big on organized religion.  I shun organized religion.  I feel like I am a spiritual person?  With a deep connection to God, who soothes and blesses me?  But I cannot do organized religion.  Too many bad memories associated, with the bulk of it being my father's utter hypocrisy.  Watching an abuser for years and years, trying to lead and teach others about Christ's love just turns my stomach. So I understand the rebellion part, and I pray God understands too.  That He knows I do love Him, but I can't do religion per se.

Anyway good thought provoking post C!  Thank you!

[C.]

Yes, you understand.  Both of your examples are spot on. 

I saw my T today and I think being assertive plus really figuring out who I am are my current focus.  He said that he doesn't think any one of my primary people (parents, then husband) ever took the time to really know me and allow me to explore myself independent of their own realities.  They saw them in me, were unaware, and then told me that was Me, but it's them. 

And I deserve different, I deserve having someone who's really and truly interested in me.  And he sees therapy as one opportunity for me to experience being around someone who's interested in ME without their own agenda.  It was quite profound and helpful to understand what he was saying and know it's true.  For 46 years I've not experienced having someone be truly interested in me.  I am good at understanding another person, but I deserve someone to want to also understand me b/c without that it is not a relationship worth my time or investment.

I was moved today when I noticed that both of my kids do seem to see me.  Weird to think they are more mature than their grandparents in that way.  And encouraging that at least I parented well enough for my kids to know themselves thus able to look more accurately at others.

One of the steps talks about making meaning out of the abuse.  I feel like being ignored and groomed to take care of others/them by my parents and husband did help me develop some useful skills for parenting like listening and empathy,.  It's like I experimented w/fawning and figured out those were things that kept parents/husband happy so I kept doing them.  But they are skills I have as a result of the abuse I think?

[VeryFoggy]

I am not yet to the point of making any meaning about the abuse, having been thrown right back into it with being presented with and yet another possible aspect. That in addition to physical, mental and spiritual abuse, now I am to consider that there was also sexual abuse, the ultimate betrayal. And having not yet worked through that, and all of the new feelings I am having.  I am nowhere near to done.

I am still very angry. But this is good, I think.  Finally!  To finally be angry about what was done to me! This is very good. And the anger is a self defense mechanism I have been missing all of my life.  So I am glad to have it.

I am FINALLY taking steps to take care of myself! Go me! Whoo hoo! And I am a calm and self contained enough person to trust and to know my anger never burns hot enough to really injure anyone, it is only healthy self defense.

I am So l glad we did this course together.  I have really learned a lot. It was deep and thought provoking, and meaningful, and I think ultimately brought all of us closer together for having done it. I am sorry to see it end.  But I will find my niche on OOTS and keep posting and keep searching and keep learning.

Thank you all of you for sharing a part of yourselves with me. I feel privileged and honored for sharing in this journey with you.

[C.]

VF:  I am happy to hear you're angry.  I remember that's something you've been working towards.  That healthy, protective anger.  And learning to take care of yourself.  Lately I've been trying to "love" myself like I do my kids and "do" that love towards myself.  It's been pretty effective, but it seems most of my strategies last for a while and then I need to try something new!  I think part of my process will be accepting that fact and adapting to life's changes in a positive way.

To everyone: I too have been awed and pleased w/all of the giving and receiving that's occurred.  It feels like I've gotten to know everyone a little better, they've cared about me and I've cared about them.  There's been reciprocated support.

And don't think it's ended   We have at least 4 members who've expressed an interest.  I'm hoping that we can pull another group in September.  I can moderate at that time.  And our site manager figured out how to make the forum private so we can do so if we'd like.  I will be posting an announcement and information about the upcoming group soon.  Anyone is welcome to send me a PM expressing interest in participating in an ASCA group in September.

[bee]

I think I am working through stage two and moving into stage three. Didn't participate much lately, because I'm just not there yet, but it was good to follow along.
I have gotten a lot out of this. It has helped me to see where I am at, and what I need to work on. I really appreciate every one's time here. Seeing things from different perspectives can make what was murky, be perfectly clear.