[C.]

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STEP TWENTY ONE

I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.

Step Twenty one is the last step of this recovery model, but not everyone necessarily reaches it. It is the step that we all strive for as we continue through our lives. If you keep working on your recovery beyond simple survival, you can reach a state of self-acceptance and satisfaction that represents a unique synchrony between your soul, your spiritual essence, and the new self born of your hard work in recovery. Bringing the "new you" into congruence with your soul's aspirations is the ultimate step because it represents the combined expression of your conscious, unconscious and spiritual essences.

[C.]

This step seems a bit too esoteric? to me.  I believe in the soul and the person already, not sure I understand the merging of the realities described.  Maybe I will better one day, or maybe I see things a bit differently.  I'm not sure.

[VeryFoggy]

Yes C!  I have always known who and what I am. I was not separated from my soul. Instead through therapy I am trying to learn why I tried to force those who could not know me, or love me or accept me as I am, to do so.

I have been my own and only best friend for many years.

So far the only answer I have been given is that I was born into a family of Discorded Personalities, and that every single person was Disordered except me. And that knowing that as an upbringing, then I naturally pursued the same type of people in my adult life for affection. She tells me it was familiar, so that is why I pursued it.

But, me personally?  I am given a pass by my therapist. According to her?  Me,  Jesus Christ, Buddha, Gandhi and Mother Teresa have much in common.

And you know what scares the crap out of me? Is I agree.  I agree that I have lived through more than any human being should ever be asked to bear. And yet I am still am trying! To be a kind, open, loving person who only wants to share with others what I can.  I DO feel like I have a piece of God, a tiny minute piece of God inside of me, that always wants to love and care and be kind, and caring and loving and forgiving and compassionate and empathetic. Who just wants to love.

So that in turn scares the crap out of me, because feeling that way, believing that I think I really am a good person who just wants to care, makes me believe I am a Narcissist. That I CANNOT believe I am who I believe I am, or else that makes me a Narcissist. If I believe I am a good and caring and loving person, who really wants to just be there for others?  Then I am lying! And trying to do what they do. Just use other people's emotion's to get what I want from them.

It is a sticky web as Kizzie once described it. I can't even trust myself anymore, even though I KNOW I am not like that. I know who and what I am?

The question is, will I accept it? Will I accept that I was raised by Disordered people and miraculously survived intact?

I feel like I am on the cusp, the brink really of making that decision. To really believe that there is a tiny piece of God inside of me, and that I am not a Narcissist for believing that, and I am a miracle, and it is okay to walk away from them all forever, and to look for people who feel like I do. I think if I find them I can make something bigger, better, and make a difference. I think I HAVE found some here in fact, children
of God, who are looking for a way to live, the way he meant us to live.  And, while here enjoying his blessings of beauty, learning, and love.

I want to make life better for somebody. I still try every day in new ways I have never known? Sometimes love has not been the answer.  Sacrificing myself has not been the answer. But all I have to rely on is what I have learned in the last year and a half. But sometimes letting people walk on you is not the answer. Sometimes the answer is saying no, I am just as good as you, and God loves me too. And just as much as you.

Sorry for the rant, I am on the cusp of something, for sure.

[C.]

It is sticky.  We need to feel good about ourselves, but an N feels good about themselves too much and it makes them an N.  So, how do I do this?....

And I think I know what you mean about being loving.  I can be a very charismatic person where people sense that love I can feel for just about anyone, or I used to be able to do so.  Because, like you, I do believe every person has a soul that reflects God.  Sometimes that mirror is quite sullied and it's hard to see anything but the dirt on top of the mirror.  But, it is there.  So I can have a loving feeling for many people when I concentrate on their soul.

Which brings me to the idea of confidence in our reality as children of God.  For a long time I've envisioned part of the wholeness of me means balancing confidence w/humility.  And of course even acknowledging I am humble contradicts the very concept of the virtue.  But it's true, when I feel myself getting too insecure I need to focus on confidence.  When I feel myself become arrogant I concentrate on humility.

I love what you say about contributing to others w/the capacity of your soul to love and accept another person.  At least I think that is part of what you're saying.  It's profound and I think possible.

No need to apologize for a rant.  It's exciting and encouraging to see and hear what you're thinking about right now.

[VeryFoggy]

C. - Thank you for putting thought into my crazy rant.

All I know today is that since separating from all, since doing the confrontation letter and getting back nothing except negative feedback from everyone? Such as:  You can't do this!  You are crazy and a drunk!  You are being manipulative! You should do XYZ! You need to grow up! You need to toughen up! You endangered my employment and I won't stand for that!  Or, please don't tell my employer you were abused it will hurt my chances! Or the worst?  Absolute silence?

I have strung together a string of days with No flashbacks, No pain, No terror, No drama.

So I would have to say I am proud of my confrontation, and I got the desired result.  I am Pain free,  Drama free. Everybody is gone. Except my son, my daughter and my grandchildren.  And a couple of friends who don't know what I did.

And I feel good. Like I MIGHT now have a real chance at healing. I am sorry I had to abandon my family, my FOO?  But they abandoned me long ago. I now accept that. I really was the Scapegoat in every way you can possibly imagine. And I bore that shame for much too long.

I read a great book today that helped me called Necessary Endings by Charles Whitfield. He had a way of saying things that struck my soul repeatedly.  He reinforced what I had to do. He had great piece about the wise, the foolish and the evil. So I could see that I had treated them like they were wise for a long time.  That did not work.  Then I treated them like they were foolish for the last year or more. But finally I had to concede some of them were just evil. I felt a lot better after looking over what I had done and tried. I had worked so hard! To try to save each one of the relationships! But I failed.

But today I feel like I am worth saving. I enjoyed deeply what I have today, and pretty much accepted I have to, have to take care of the gift I was given of life. I have to take care of my body, even when I don't want to, and I have to take care of my mind and I have to respect and trust my feelings even when I don't want to. Even if everyone close to me tells me I am crazy, I have to respect my own feelings. I do miss my BF as he respected my feelings but I think today only ultimately to get his own needs met. I sold myself short and he took a shortcut and well it didn't work out.

Anyway I am going to respect that there is a reason I feel sick and physically ill around my father and mother.  I am going to respect that I have a reason for getting EF's from talking to my sister and my brothers about these things. I am going to respect that I would not feel that way unless something is terribly wrong.

I think today I decided for sure I am not crazy.  But they are. It's horrible and sad and awful. But today I cannot do anything about it except try to save me.

I am ultimately the only person I really even have a chance to save. I remembered a lot today.  I am not there yet? But I am getting there. I think I believe my own father did something terrible to me when I was 14.  A man did something to me when I was 14. But he had ace bandages around his head and I could not see who it was, But today I think it was him. So does my T.

It would explain a lot. About my fear and terror, and CPTSD. And feeling sick around my family and trying to protect my mother from him.

I keep telling my T either I am crazy or he is, but one of us is crazy!