I'm confused

[La]

Hello everyone,

Came across your site and started reading. I've got to admit that every single post made so much sense to me.  I was diagnosed last year, and have been in therapy since. I think I am progressing, but share in the incredible frustration. I tend to be angry all the time. Although sitting beside me you would never be able to tell. It's all internalized. Baby steps.

Can anyone tell me if they have had this experience?  I sometimes experience moments where it seems that someone is holding two large boxes of "old pictures" over my head, and a slight piece of information causes the two boxes to be tipped over causing an avalanche of images in my head. They move so fast that I can only get slight glimpses of the memories.this leaves me so confused state, not fully understanding anything that is going on anymore. The thoughts make no sense but they certainly carry enough to leave me broken everyday.
Is this normal?

[La]

Oh, and just posting here is making me nauseous. You are the first people I am sharing with, other than my therapist. 😄

[woodsgnome]

La wrote: "[there's] an avalanche of images in my head. They move so fast that I can only get slight glimpses of the memories.this leaves me so confused state, not fully understanding anything that is going on anymore. The thoughts make no sense but they certainly carry enough to leave me broken everyday.
Is this normal?"

I haven't experience precisely the phenomena with the boxes of pics, but I have definitely had similar ones, and they happen lightning fast as well, and feel oppressive in a short span of time. In my case, it's kind of free-floating scenes, often with voices, very vivid scenes rushing by.

One way I eventually dealt with it better started via a dream that ended with a vivid waterfall image (I'm very outdoor-oriented). The water torrents crash over relentlessly, including all the rapid visions; what's different lately is that sometimes I can tell that the scary parts only make up a portion of the cascading water...there's lots else in there, though I can't make it out...it gives the feeling that all that pressure, even the scary torrents full of the bad parts, either flow on or dissipate into a mist.

The image was strongest one night during a dream in which I was being chased downriver in a canoe...along with the images and voices was a sense of a huge pressure, like the loud roar of the falls; at last I could see the waterfall from a more peaceful perspective; viewing it from a distance, as if I'd made an escape, which felt a lot better. The dream faded with the sense I was being comforted by a person, a friend I'd never seen in waking life. Now, I sometimes consciously try to capture that scene when I feel the pressure mounting via an EF or other trigger situation.

Normal? The rapid flashbacks seem common in a lot of what I've read. I guess it's for each person to realize how/if they can find a way to lessen the terror they cause. In my case, it wasn't anything I was conscious of or trying for, so I have no idea as to any mechanics (meditation, etc) associated with it. Something I heard recently also helps and I try to insert it with my waterfall motif--a saying I've probably heard hundreds of times, but only recently did it click for me: "This too shall pass."

[VeryFoggy]

Welcome La!  And you are so brave for posting and sharing your feelings.  We are glad to have you. No one here will make fun of you or your feelings and everyone will share what they can.

I think after reading all that I have, that everyone's situation and feelings are unique to their own personal * that they have experienced.  Only symptoms are universal. For example, after I read the definition of the symptoms of PTSD in the DSM 5 (CPTSD is not yet recognized) I had every one of them.

So like Woodsgnome, my truth or some of it comes from dreams, while yours comes from images flying by. My recent truth came from a dream I had over and over for many nights, which was a voice saying to me, "Trust Your Feelings, Trust Your Feelings. Which I  have never done.  I was not allowed to have feelings as a child or an adult.  Only reason and logic. But once I allowed the feelings?  A lot more things I had never understood started making a lot more sense finally.  The pieces of the puzzle fell into place. This is ongoing, and I am slowly learning to trust my feelings as much as my reason and logic.  It is a whole new world.

So I wish you the best on your journey, and again welcome and look around, and please post wherever feels comfortable to you.  It is safe here.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes !:)
I've had a lot of mental problems and anxiety plus the rage

I can angry really quickly and spill out - I'm learning to breathe and respond not react - a work in progress

Anxiety for me is a by product of my varying mental states

And yes my brain almost blows like a computer that's over loaded - and then I can't cope and nothing makes sense -
The mind literally trips out -- no wonder really with all the crap it has to contend with

Mindfullness and meditation really help me - and exercise

[La]

Thanks everyone. It is difficult to share feelings, especially when I don't understand them. I had taught myself to keep going, regardless of the feelings I have, but everything came crashing down last year. Now, any emotion brings more and more confusion and anger.

Perhaps this is looking outside my head and applying my rules to myself. I just don't want to be angry, bitter, and untrusting for the rest of my life. It kills me now, but I'm raw,and would rather be alone than place myself at risk any longer.  I'm not sure who places the pressure on me, but I always think I am failing. I'm so hard on myself, and I can't seem to shake the voices that say I am somehow lazy, not doing enough, and so on.

Yet, I want to be whole again. I want to remember what joy feels like, or even just a sincere belly laugh once in a while. I want to feel safe.  I want to feel love. Today, I have the will to work on it.

[woodsgnome]

La, you ended with this:

"Yet, I want to be whole again. I want to remember what joy feels like, or even just a sincere belly laugh once in a while. I want to feel safe.  I want to feel love. Today, I have the will to work on it."

Wanting and being open seems to be a key, but it's hard to unlock, as the negative voices/visions keep trying to overtake the progress one makes. I have an extreme case of that going on right now; there's a war in my head over something that happened in the last few days. But I'm trying along with you to find an attitude of wholeness to carry me through.

Having the will to work on it is a great start. But even there, I'm reminded of a little 3-word saying that has helped me in the past: "Play with options." The concept of work can drain one's energy quickly. The play/open option is a huge part of recovery, I think, and contains the joy we're desperate to rediscover.

It may not even feel like joy at first, but knowing it's an option and we're really free to reach for it can be a huge help. When we're young, it can feel like our natural play is stifled and closed off to us. But now we can feel open to find it. I hope you find a way to that joy again

[Boatsetsailrose]

It will come with the right help and support - we don't have to feel this way forever -

[La]

Thank you Woodsgnome,

I hold onto to faith that it will get better, and try to forgive myself for the inner powerlessness that I feel. This can't be it, And reading these posts show me I am not alone. It's nice to chat with people who understand, and speak the same language.
I'll admit that sharing anything is difficult, even when the option of anonymity is at my finger tips. Everything seems to be a trigger, but I try to be mentally prepared for the day ahead. Are we all perfectionists? Ultimately, I am posting, so it's a start.

Perhaps a day of play is in order....

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes I agree play is very important - I've only recently started to
Allow myself to do something just for fun and be ok with that - I mean really ok with it - to express and explore and be free -
I come from a very controlled background and perfectionism has been big ! All fear related -

Cptsd is stifling and my experience is it is layer by layer sometimes quickly sometimes slowly - and sometimes just stuck

But I get the feeling that all of us here are on the road of recovery whatever stage we are at and I find that just amazing -
Our brokeness becomes our strength when we truly want and seek it  - the hardest parts come before the next layer is opened sort of like coming up from a deep sea dive  -
Belief in getting well has really helped me somehow through *
And high water I never lost that belief - well that's not true I did but it came back

La I know what it's like when we are in distress and it's uncomfortable - you sound like u are on track for things getting better -
I have just ordered the Pete walker book - everyone says it is v good