Bored in life

[Indigochild]

Hey No more guilt

The run in with a narc was....a learning curve.
I attracted a woman like my mother and was very painful as i desperately wanted her to be my mum.
She ran out on me when i was suicidal and reached out to her.
Yesterday, i realised when was in a convo with my partner...that the way he used to treat me wasn't good, and that all this time, my whole life is a timeline of accepting and going along with and never questioning being treated unfairiy.
Im sure my other friend was a narc- she said she had bpd. 
Narcissists annoy other narcasists- did you know?
Well, it was on a video i watched anyway...and i worry i have tendencies / or are a narc- so  feel i can blame other narcs. I understand their behaviour. Was just unfair and hurtful, and its not even really their fault guess. They could just never sort it out.

Yes, i saw dysfunciotn in her...but i ignored it...well...i gave her the benefit of the doubt, as i had seen no obvious behaviour that was bad in the beginning, i just found it hard toe believe she was completely finished working through her childhood, as as it seems, maybe i was right.
I do wonder if we attracted because we are similar, well, we are and aparently codepdnesnts and narcs are the same in sone ways.

I do wonder what background experiences make narcs controlling.
I have the fight response, but main one is freeze, and i must of gotten the fight one from my narc mum.
I know how to hurt people, and sometimes, i don't even care. Thats quite worrying i know.
How could i have a fight response when i was never allowed it at home? maybe all the hurt etc is coming out.

It is very narcissistic to control others, to make them perfect...because you can't face the parts of your that are like the imperfect bits that other person is displaying. The inner critic projects outwards onto others, so that you don't have to face the pain of being in perfect. I think narcs do this a lot.
We control others because we are scared.
My T told me , that it freaks me out so much that i can't do anything abut the fact that my partner may not be abel to see when he is wrong, or that he might not want to change for the better, because i could never do anything about what was happening at home, so it freaks me out if i also have no control over him and our situation now in the present.
Makes a lot of sense. I have to respect him and his journey and that it may be different to mine. I just can't say ill stay if its too painful.

I do believe narcs have this - what you explained ...maybe you know from personal experience what i am talking about.
this projecting outwards. Too painful or impossible in my case, to anger at family...or yourself.

All of this makes me feel guilty for leaving my narcissist, because she probably was suffering. The rumours behind my back...both friends hurt me this way, maybe all because they can not look at themselves.
If i am disordered so to speak and i hate others leaving me...how could i abandon my narcissist, even though she freaked out and did the same to me? Maybe she scared ..freaked out...but i didn't, so i should of undesrstood that, even though she threw me on the roadside like a heap of trash.

I hope this isn't triggering for you. I just feel guilty and sad, and as though i wasn't the bigger person. I need to talk this through with T.

Im glad you see me as being supportive and that you don't think i ramble! 

It must be good for you to work out why you felt fear in your stomach.
I see how you would relate what she was doing to fear, as you probably found it fear ridden, let alone dreading and fearing her doing it. And the food thing.
Such an awful way to treat your child.  Not how it should be.

i dont blame you for being afraid with the police stuff happening.
If there is a real threat / possibility that you parents could come and harm you or have a go at you, then your fear is real lovely.
And it would probably remind you of how you used to feel, when faced with the treat of your parents every day.
I bet you are afraid to leave the house!
i would keep the doors locked, weather necessary or it might just make you feel better, even though you might of thought of that.

I hope it will end soon- the emotional flashback.
Im not sure what to do when they are prolonged.
I have not yet figured that one out.
Haha, i like you outer critics logic! I guess you never know the reason someone stares. But that could be a possibility.

I am so glad you are eating nice things.
We didn't have much food in but we do now. I did have some biscuits and a cuppa which i enjoyed, its nice to be able to eat when you want to and to have proper portion sizes. I put on a lot of weight, for many reasons, but maybe one or two was being deprived of love, but also of food. Im not as hungry as i used to be when i lived with my parents.
I am going to have pizza tonight...not take out, but my favourite.
Ive never thought of the connection between food and weekends. Another thing i did nt have much of growing up.
Its a good idea to at least eat something nice at weekends as well as doing something nice for yourself.
It has been a chilled weekend, but as its triggering being with others, i started colouring as an idea to keep relaxed and entertained.

No problem (being here), thank you in return. Its so nice to have you understand.  I guess we come from similar backgrounds. But yes, thank *you*! I am glad I'm helping, you are also helping me 

[KayFly]

My partner and I really like going for walks, hikes or bike rides.  Its free entertainment, and it gets endorphins going so it makes me feel good every time.

I've had time off for the last couple months so I have been home alone until my partner gets home. I get that bored feeling too.

But I would have to say outdoor adventure is our go-to, unless we are in need of a down day.

Hope you are finding more avenues...