I can't believe it

[no_more_fear]

I'm falling back into deep paranoia again and I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry that I've been unable to give other people here support. I now realise why I couldn't do that, it's because I was in the midst of a trauma reenactment at the hands of my therapist.

For a while I knew that it wasn't working with my T, but I wouldn't accept it. I searched for every reason as to why it was me at fault and not really her. Two sessions ago I was 10 minutes late and went into a complete meltdown. She'd taken on the role of my mother and I couldn't bear to let her down by being late. I came into that session in a * of a state, but she never said anything to make me feel better that I wasn't a completely worthless individual for being late.

Aside from that kind of thing she would never admit the abuse actually took place. She would say things like, 'oh your mother must have cared about you deeply'. I told her that that was complete rubbbish and that my mother never gave a damn about me.

Before I'd started seeing her my memories from childhood were coming back, but as soon as I started seeing her, they stopped. It was like everyhing was arrested in my recovery.

Last night I worked out that I'd met her a few years before and she'd met my mother. I'd met her quite a few times in fact and on every occasion my mother was there. I now realise why she wouldn't admit that the abuse ever took place. It was because she'd met my mother and thought she was great and the abuse was all in my head. Such is the power of the narcissist to make everyone believe they're a fantastic person.Obviously, I subconsciously remembered her name and was drawn to her when I was first seeking a therapist. That is scary.

What I'm wondering is, shouldn't she have told me we'd met before? I'm incredulous that she didn't. Surely it was unethical of her to treat me? I mean, she was unfairly biased.

The whole thing has shot me to pieces anyway and I don't want to look for another T in case the same thing happens again. I'm also becoming highly paranoid again and am now thinking that maybe my T was coluding and in contact with my mother. This is awful.

[CreativeCat]

Oh gosh this sounds so awful.  I  think she definitely should have told you -it was deceitful.

So invalidating too that she would brush over what you felt by saying your mother sounds like she loved you. That was not how you felt. Full stop. There are obviously reasons as to why you felt that way.

It sounds good that you have stopped seeing her and that you have put the anger where it belongs- with her and her practice, not finding fault in yourself. Remember though that not all therapists are the same. There are lovely, understanding and experienced people out there when/ if you feel ready to try again- there are even some i have heard of who specialise in helping people who have had bad experiences in therapy.

I'm sorry its feeling so hard right now, maybe you need to give yourself some time to grieve what has happened and your loss of trust- i think it would be totally normal and natural to feel this way after going through that.

Sending good wishes   

[no_more_fear]

Thank you, creativecat. I was desperate for a response and your words have really helped, so thank you again.

I just wish I could stop blaming myself and be compassionate instead. I was only doing what felt normal to me, immersing myself in a controlling relationship and trying to find blame within myself for it not working.

I really don't know how many blows one person is supposed to take though. I can't handle anymore of this. I just want to hide from everything.

I started seeing that T only a few weeks after all my memories from childhood resurfaced, so that means that the new reality I'd immersed myself in wasn't real at all.

It's the paranoia that's the killer though. I'm imagining all sorts at the minute. I need to simmer down.

[mourningdove]

What an awful experience, nmg! I'm so sorry this happened to you. I agree with CreativeCat that your former T should definitely have told you that she knew your mother. It is also inexcusable that she invalidated your experience of your mother. She also should have reassured you about being late. She fails all across the board, and this is the ultimate indictment:

Before I'd started seeing her my memories from childhood were coming back, but as soon as I started seeing her, they stopped. It was like everyhing was arrested in my recovery.

This all sounds to me like a nightmare scenario and I know I would be very upset and paranoid if it happened to me. You did nothing wrong here at all. In fact, it sounds like you were doing everything you needed to be doing to heal, even though it must have been extremely difficult for you, and this therapist was totally and utterly useless.

I would want to hide from everything, too, nmg. You're not alone. 

[woodsgnome]

T's aren't perfect, and for some reason get off kilter. Unfortunately, they slack off, choose to play judge and jury, and manipulate situations for their own, often hidden, purposes. That's awful. Abuse of the trust you placed in her is a sham. Enough of her, but you are to be congratulated.

You trusted yourself in the end, and while it didn't spare you the pain of what she probably thought was pretty crafty, showing your courage here is truly inspirational. You wrote: "I need to simmer down." That's for sure, but better than that, it's important to note that you did exactly what you needed to, and in the end proved that you had the trust in yourself to act accordingly.

Thank you for showing your beautiful spirit. 

                                   

[no_more_fear]

Morningdove, thank you. It really means the world to know I'm not alone. I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time, but when I see words like those I feel a bit saner. I can really start helping others now as well.

The only good thing my T did was stress the importance of feeling things in my body, like pinpointing where the fear would manifest. Well, the Pete Walker book did that anyway, so she just backed it up.

She always painted my mother in a positive light, any chance she got. More than anything though I need to know that my mother was cruel. Like I said, she would make me feel like it was all in my head. And then I'm so scared to ask questions and challenge someone, that I never asked her outright what her opinion was.

I made an appointment a couple of weeks ago to see a new T who does EMDR. I'm seeing her for the first time next week. Funny, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that my old T was bad that made me search for a new T, rather I wanted a different appproach or to save money. It's absolute madness how far my ICr will go to make me believe that everything is always my own fault and not other people! I have to laugh at this otherwise I'd go completely mad.

Thank you again. 

[no_more_fear]

Enough of her, but you are to be congratulated.

You trusted yourself in the end, and while it didn't spare you the pain of what she probably thought was pretty crafty, showing your courage here is truly inspirational.
Thank you for showing your beautiful spirit. 

                                   

Thank you, woodsgnome. Really, thank you. That's helped so much. Yeah, it did take me forever to trust myself  , maybe now I've conquered that hurdle for the first time though, I can get there must faster next time. Here's hoping anyway.

[Cuthberta]

I'm falling back into deep paranoia again and I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry that I've been unable to give other people here support. I now realise why I couldn't do that, it's because I was in the midst of a trauma reenactment at the hands of my therapist.

Aiui, it is only paranoia if it is irrational and you have no grounds for feeling as you do.

In this case you do have grounds, it is rational and therefore it may be hypervigilance, but I personally would not call it paranoia.

For a while I knew that it wasn't working with my T, but I wouldn't accept it. I searched for every reason as to why it was me at fault and not really her. Two sessions ago I was 10 minutes late and went into a complete meltdown. She'd taken on the role of my mother and I couldn't bear to let her down by being late. I came into that session in a * of a state, but she never said anything to make me feel better that I wasn't a completely worthless individual for being late.

That is not unusual; a therapist may want you to work through your own feelings, rather than giving you an easy path out; but she could have explored why you felt so bad. She could have reassured you that you are safe.

Aside from that kind of thing she would never admit the abuse actually took place. She would say things like, 'oh your mother must have cared about you deeply'. I told her that that was complete rubbbish and that my mother never gave a damn about me.

This is your therapist bringing her own pain to therapy. I would put money on it that she is talking about her own emotionally distant mother.

Before I'd started seeing her my memories from childhood were coming back, but as soon as I started seeing her, they stopped. It was like everyhing was arrested in my recovery.

That is really good news; your subconscious/inner children are sharper than you are. This means you have an absolutely solid way of finding out whether future therapy is on track or not; when you are ready you can try again, and stay tuned to those memories. When they stop you have a clear red flag. Clever you! 

Last night I worked out that I'd met her a few years before and she'd met my mother. I'd met her quite a few times in fact and on every occasion my mother was there. I now realise why she wouldn't admit that the abuse ever took place. It was because she'd met my mother and thought she was great and the abuse was all in my head. Such is the power of the narcissist to make everyone believe they're a fantastic person.Obviously, I subconsciously remembered her name and was drawn to her when I was first seeking a therapist. That is scary.

If she knows your mother she ought not to be your therapist. It is possible she forgot; if she remembered then imo she is behaving unethically.

What I'm wondering is, shouldn't she have told me we'd met before? I'm incredulous that she didn't. Surely it was unethical of her to treat me? I mean, she was unfairly biased.

The whole thing has shot me to pieces anyway and I don't want to look for another T in case the same thing happens again. I'm also becoming highly paranoid again and am now thinking that maybe my T was coluding and in contact with my mother. This is awful.

No, not paranoid; hypervigilant. A place that ought to have been safe turns out to be infested instead. Who wouldn't be afraid to try again?

Give yourself time to recover, and give those inner children an ice cream a day for a month; they are certainly on your side, and protecting you. That is the silver lining to this particular unpleasant cloud. When you are ready to try again, you know that you have them helping you, and protecting you. Well done, everyone!   

[Cuthberta]

Morningdove, thank you. It really means the world to know I'm not alone. I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time, but when I see words like those I feel a bit saner. I can really start helping others now as well.

The only good thing my T did was stress the importance of feeling things in my body, like pinpointing where the fear would manifest. Well, the Pete Walker book did that anyway, so she just backed it up.

She always painted my mother in a positive light, any chance she got. More than anything though I need to know that my mother was cruel. Like I said, she would make me feel like it was all in my head. And then I'm so scared to ask questions and challenge someone, that I never asked her outright what her opinion was.

I made an appointment a couple of weeks ago to see a new T who does EMDR. I'm seeing her for the first time next week. Funny, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that my old T was bad that made me search for a new T, rather I wanted a different appproach or to save money. It's absolute madness how far my ICr will go to make me believe that everything is always my own fault and not other people! I have to laugh at this otherwise I'd go completely mad.

Thank you again. 

Your mother WAS cruel. I have no doubt about that whatever; not the least bit.

[no_more_fear]

Cuthberta,

Sorry I'm just replying and I hope you see this. Thank you for your words, I just wished I'd listened. I actually went back to that T. I refused to trust myself. I stopped coming on the forum because she told me I was focusing on my trauma. The whole situation has been one mind screw and I'm done with therapy. I wasted nearly £400 on that woman who made me feel ashamed of my feelings. I feel so low. No-one  gets this except the people on here. I'm done with therpy, no-one knows how to deal with this. I'm just going to do my own work with the help of Pete's book.

Thanks again.

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome back, no_more_guilt.

So sorry that the T delivered you such a bummer. 

[stillhere]

No_more_guilt, same here -- I'm sorry you've had such a bad time in therapy.

IF you decide to try another T, you might try bringing Walker's book, if it speaks to you, or referring a prospective T to this forum, which doesn't require registration to read.  Any prospective T who invalidates what's said here clearly doesn't understand CPTSD.

I've had a little success with this strategy, having taken the Walker book to a session soon after I discovered it.  My T took my self-diagnosis seriously (of course, she'd suggested PTSD by then).  I've been fortunate in this, I know.  It also cut through some explanation and probably saved session time.

[Jdog]

NMG- I hope that you will come to the understanding that you are capable of moving through this difficult time, with or without conventional therapy.  I'm glad that you post here, as the forum is a good tool for all of our tool boxes.  Your need for validation and for having positive mirroring is completely understandable. If and when you find the right therapist, it will be like revealing yourself to yourself.  If that is not a route you ever choose, you can still keep finding the treasures that are within you. 

The funny thing that I discovered just recently is that all of the hard work I have done on myself over the past 3 years is paying huge dividends way beyond my expectations.  In addition to healing from my own cptsd and codependence, I have had to learn how to navigate living with a spouse who also is hypervigilant and easily triggered.  It has all been worth it.  Those of us who have to work extra hard to stay sane and balanced can end up more centered than "normal" folks at a certain point.  I think Pete Walker makes that point in his writings at some point.

I send wishes for your journey to be safe and productive.  Use any and all tools you can find, as you will need a wide assortment for your recovery.  Remind yourself that you are safe, that you are always doing the best you can in every moment, and that the commitment to healing must be daily.

Take good care of yourself.

[Dyess]

Still Here I took the Pete Walker book with me to a session and the T said she would like to read it, well, she went out of the country and then came back I could tell she had not read it. So I asked her about it and she said she had glanced through it but had not read it. I told her I could tell that she had not, she looked puzzled. But the PTSD and CPTSD are close but not the same things, CPTSD is more complex, more variables, more pieces to the puzzle. I admire her for even asking to read it, but I would have been very impressed if she had actually read it and it would have made me feel like she was onboard with helping me to heal.
Many T's say they are experienced in trauma therapy, but to be versed well enough in CPTSD , not so much.
Do you think a T would think it would be unethical to go to a forum and read a patients posts? I think mine would, even though I said it would be okay. She has very strict ethical guidelines, maybe a little too much though.
Pete Walker's book seemed to hit CPTSD right on target from what I read. I go to his website and read sometimes, he knows what he is talking about.

[stillhere]

Hello, Trace.  I had something like your experience.  My T didn't read Walker's book in any detail, and she implied several times that it didn't offer her anything new.  She did, though, get her own copy, and she told me at the last session that she'd changed my official diagnosis, for insurance, to PTSD.  It can't be CPTSD, she says, because CPTSD isn't formally accepted. 

Perhaps she's just better versed in CPTSD than the T you've been seeing.  Or perhaps she's just more inclined to accept my self-assessment.

Like you, I found Walker's book right on target, more than anything I've read.  But I think I'm still a long way from the recovery I seek.