I never feel a desire to reach out and be with people

[annbelievesinwhales]

Hi again guys,

I work, go to school, intern, etc. I'm around people often, but never feel closer to them and though sometimes i feel lonely i never want to spend time with people. After months of hanging around someone and spending time together I have no greater desire to see them than I do any other stranger. How do I actually begin enjoying really connecting and wanting to reach out. I do reach out and pursue my "goals" because mentally i know i should but there's no real joy in it for me.

Has anyone else experienced or overcome this?

[woodsgnome]

I live with this people-fear constantly--yet I too held mostly people-oriented positions. I can recall two periods when I felt comfortable enough to where I actually felt at ease with the situation--when I worked in hospice/end of life settings and when I was involved with pre-school kids in the program called Head Start.The common denominator for me, I think, was that in those roles I didn't feel judged, or maybe it's more the fear of being judged was erased by serving a greater need.

I fell into each of those experiences. I'd love to find another outlet like them, but the circumstances of how they came about were unique and aren't an option for me right now. Like you, I've reached a level where being alone is okay, too. I'm not actively looking, but I kinda wish for it all the same. Mine is a classic "freeze" reaction to cptsd, per Walker.

So that was my way, for a while. Not desperately seeking another outlet, but who knows? I'm not sure I consider it something to overcome, but if another opportunity arose where I could just be and share myself again, I might give it a shot. I'm still cautious with people, for good or ill, but at least I had the chance to feel safe at loving and being loved.

I hope you can find a balance in your life between alone and with people you can feel comfortable with.   

[Indigochild]

Hi annbelievesinwhales

I cant believe you feel the same way I do!!
I have began to think there may be something wrong with me- but i guess its cptsd related, ive never discounted that possibility.
Im sorry i dont have any answers, only similar experience.

I have lost joy in spending time with others too.
I do feel lonely, bored etc. in others company, but cant be with others, because it is triggering, but the thought of being with others sometimes makes me panic.
I do find it boring being with most people, and I think its because i can not share any aspect of myself.
People want to feel connected and that involves an equal relationship on both ends. People can not appreciate me if they dont know what there is to appreciate. There may be nothing...but i hope you know what i mean.
I am always listening to others ...its always about them. I dont like attention, but I just get bored listening all the time.

I am also a freaze type. Cautious and untrusting of others. I think currently and have for a long time, that people suck.
I know its not helpful me saying that.

I hope you can find a balance too.

[chacha]

THE SAME!

I reach out to people because I know it's good for my mental health but most of the world is like it's not there, like it could be there or not and I wouldn't care.

People wouldn't understand as I can seem bubbly, outgoing and friendly and have a well tailored persona to expose when socialising but the world is so blank and meaningless.

Perhaps because I carried lies and was taught to hide so well I am now having to rebuild what life is about but the first step is to find healthy so I try not to think about how disfunctional it is to feel only numbness against the world and the people in it.

One step at a time...

[tiggerd2]

Boy I feel that way.
The only time I feel as though I am comfortable with people is when I'm at work. I'm a nurse and I like talking to my patients. I'm not aware of the pain or fear. I don't feel as though I have to open up. I'm happy focusing on the person.

I know I'm suppose to feel as though I want to be around others. The problem is I feel too needy. I feel afraid. If someone yells at me, I freeze. People think I'm an idiot. I can hear them talk about me. (no it's not paranoia). Nurses are mean to each other.

[tiggerd2]

agreed

[steamy]

I have the same experience.

Ironically when I meet people I connect with I find I give them the space I would expect for myself and they think I am being distant.I can't live in the pockets of others. Friendships Soon dissolve.

[Kizzie]

Hi Ann -

I work, go to school, intern, etc. I'm around people often, but never feel closer to them and though sometimes i feel lonely i never want to spend time with people. After months of hanging around someone and spending time together I have no greater desire to see them than I do any other stranger. How do I actually begin enjoying really connecting and wanting to reach out. I do reach out and pursue my "goals" because mentally i know i should but there's no real joy in it for me.

Has anyone else experienced or overcome this?

Lord yes lol!  After everything we have been through I don't think being emotionally distant from others is a surprising outcome.  The numbing, the unwillingness to allow ourselves to attach to anyone, to feel anything makes perfect sense.  If we don't allow ourselves to feel anything towards others we can't be hurt.  It's what we had to do to protect ourselves as children when those who were supposed to love us abused us instead.  And it worked, we survived.

FWIW, as I recover and get more and more of the pain out and processed, there is more room and energy for others, more of a desire to connect, and thankfully a lessening fear of being hurt because I am learning to protect myself in more appropriate ways. 

Hope some small part of this helps 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ann b in whales
It never ceases to amaze me how much identification I get here....
Yes !!
I 'checked out ' for a couple of yrs re social life ( not completely but didn't really Persue making friends etc - wasn't bothered - preferred my own company
The past few mths ( since working with therapist ....I have found a shift - I want to be around people more though I still feel uncomfortable and find eye contact hard .. But the progression is I do now share about myself and feel more equal in how I relate ..
It feels a lot about emotional boundaries - before they were so poor I lost myself to others -
How do u enjoy connecting and reaching out - I can only give my own experience in that it has been about my self development as I've felt some more integration I have started opening up to life more -
Maybe it's not so much about enjoying it at first ? But practicing in timed ways and reflecting on what the thoughts were whilst doing it ...
We are social animals by default and I'm learning just how much people do trust and explore with each other - healing through relationship -
The more I focus on me and not necessarily them the better -
Fear is a big one for me and my thinking is distorted - I very much come with a black and white attitude to life and it seems about learning that middle ground
Maybe find a hobby that u enjoy and meet people with an activity between u - I joined a walking group and it sure takes some of the despondency and fear out of relating
Wishing u all the best

[Boatsetsailrose]

Triggerd 2
I work as a nurse also and relate to what u say 'I'm not aware of the pain or fear ' yes when I am with a patient because it is one sided and a service - 'i' am not in the equation so much ' . That gets me to think that the aim of healthy functioning in relating may be down to me not being so absorbed in me - more about the sharing and less focus and hypervigelence on 'me'
That said I'm not there yet
I am just learning how to practice more balanced sharing - how to work with my energetics and be in my own body with a sense of protection and how to be honest eg if I feel shy I am shy - not I feel shy and I pretend to be confident -
Learning how to be authentic and not self beat because I'm less than perfect is very important for me as a sufferer of cptsd
Yes I am just learning I'm a freeze type too - esp if someone is too dominant / talkative / lacks boundaries - I go like a rabbit in head lights ...
My default setting is to go quiet and give up - I'm learning to be more myself - if I don't feel comfortable sharing with someone ( which happens a fair bit , and I'm sure happens to others who don't have cptsd ) then I am learning to share for myself..
This week I am seeing that I give others too much power / attention /focus and what I'd be best to do is give that to me -
Always afraid of what others think / their opinions and general personality ... Relating feels like playing a game and learning the rules ...
I can see that the problems come from that lack of early attachment and retreat into self / not learning those social skills and becoming early on afraid of people -
But time is changing I can't live locked in that fear and hide now -
For me now it's about facing that fear and all the accompanying thoughts / attitudes and working with it - of course it requires support I can't do this stuff on my own

And just to finish yes ! Care staff can and are bloody awful - those environments are full of co dependants and all the behaviours that go with that - talking about others behind their backs / lack of assertiveness / all or nothing thinking / not taking care of self / lack of boundaries
It's toxic
The only thing I can do is look after me - I too have had a long history with codependence ( the silent killer ) and I had to work through a lot of guilt in order to start focusing on my self ( and still a work in progress ) but I know today that when I keep my energy in the right places I feel so much better - learning to be assertively kind is proving very beneficial - people really do have more respect for it

[Indigochild]

Kizzie, what you wrote makes a whole load of sense and is helpful.
I am glad you are feeling that there is more room for others now that you are letting some of that pain out.
How amazing.
I did turn off my feelings for my parents and mu sister.
I feel nothing but anger and indifference for my mum.
You helped me to realise that i did not let myself feel attached and maybe not just because i found my mother infuriating and annoying but because they had no love to give.
This works with others too.
How nice it would be to find true people as in friends, that accept you and where a healthy relationship can be had.

[Kizzie]

Glad it helped Indigo  I was just rereading Pete Walker's four trauma types and he has them grouped under a section "CPTSD as an Attachment Disorder"  which speaks volumes to why we have difficulties with relationships. 

Polarization to a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response is not only the developing child's unconscious attempt to obviate danger, but also a strategy to purchase some illusion or modicum of attachment. All 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy because deep relating so easily triggers them into painful emotional flashbacks

Reference: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Other than my H and S, most of my attachments have been illusory, lightweight  and as he suggests, because I was so easily triggered by any hint of rejection, anger or by someone who seemed in any way needy/demanding.  Those fears seem to be diminishing as I recover fortunately.

The other reason was not wanting anyone to see what I used to think of as the  'defective' part of me that has EFs and is not always rational and adult. Knowing now that I have a disorder or psychological injury rather than a defect of character, does make it easier and yet I  still hold back from a deeper level of intimacy. I am letting people closer than ever before, but I am just not certain about whether and how to achieve that deeper level without revealing what I have been through.  It is not easily discussed and not with just anyone. 

So far this forum is really the only place other than therapy and with my H that I am open and that's because it's anonymous.  I feel like I am connecting in one sense, but it's a bit of an illusion or a modicum in another because we don't know one another IRL.

[tired]

I had 3 clients today.  I am more exhausted than I can explain. I have spent days cleaning and doing heavy yardwork for 12 hours or more, straight, without getting tired at all, but talking to human beings has drained me.  I thought that seeing people one at a time would be easier than crowds.  But they are both draining. 

I feel a general connection to humanity because I understand people and I understand the individuals that come my way.  But I don't want to spend time with them.  Especially if they seem the slightest bit critical or if I imagine they might be.  That just makes me think, why did I bother giving you my time if you don't even appreciate me; being around you was a monumental task for me and you kind of have to love it and need it otherwise why should I put the stress on myself. 

Honestly, at this point I don't care and if I don't connect to individuals I won't mind.  But I have to pay my bills so I guess it has to happen. and when it's good it's great but it takes a lot of ego stroking for me to believe someone likes me. I don't think I'm going to get over it. I'm not trying to be a downer but I believe that based on experience in a lot of therapy so my strategy is to figure out how to survive in spite of it. 

[arpy1]

i really understand that, Kizzie.  this forum is at present the only contact i have with anyone except my kids. and certainly the only place where i can feel safe enough to share in any way, precisely becos of the anonymity, as you say.

being alone is all new territory for me becos i have always been very social (the upside of living in a xian community for 15 yrs before i left and got married, had family etc.)  i always considered i was quite good at relationships, and in a way i was.  but the  final 'betrayal' in the cult a couple of years back plus a sexual assault by someone in the church i went to next, and then an episode of sexual harassment at work and i suddenly just felt i was not safe anywhere. so i have self-isolated as completely as i can. 

i know it's not healthy in the long term but it's the best i can do in order to survive at the moment. the thought of re-engaging with people actually sets off very upsetting EFs if i am not very careful. happened this afternoon when i had a missed call on my phone from a lady (a nice one) who i used to know in the cult. i didn't ring her back, but it really scared me. and then i felt guilty becos she obviously meant well, then, well you know how it goes.  i can't bear being anywhere near anyone in or connected with the cult, and i don't have any relationships really that don't come under that heading.  the fear and the feeling of nowhere being safe for me is too much to tackle at the moment.  i am just hoping that if i keep working on what i can manage to tackle, the rest will somehow follow. 

[Kizzie]

i really understand that, Kizzie.  this forum is at present the only contact i have with anyone except my kids. and certainly the only place where i can feel safe enough to share in any way, precisely becos of the anonymity, as you say.

i know it's not healthy in the long term but it's the best i can do in order to survive at the moment. the thought of re-engaging with people actually sets off very upsetting EFs if i am not very careful.  the fear and the feeling of nowhere being safe for me is too much to tackle at the moment.  i am just hoping that if i keep working on what i can manage to tackle, the rest will somehow follow. 

I think isolating may be healthy Arpy for those of us with CPTSD. I also isolated myself because I couldn't bear to be around anyone and it gave me the space I needed to stay inside my skin long enough to get to know myself better.  When I was around people I was always pulled out of myself, focused on them and meeting their needs.  I figured out that I was trained to be "other-referencing" by covert NPD M and B, alcoholic F rather than "self-referencing" through a thread here at OOTS. A light went off big time and I was so much more okay with not pushing myself to make deeper friendships IRL, but just get out there a little bit more at a time. And I am much more comfortable saying hello to neighbours, talking to my hair stylist, etc., things that would have just drained my energy a year ago. 

What feels important about being able to venture out now is being able to be open here. I see that the sky does not fall, there is compassion and support, and that I am not alone.  I couldn't find that IRL because like you and so many here, I would constantly be triggered, a facial expression even would ignite doubt, shame, in an instant.  Here I can say what I need to in my own time, I can practice being my authentic self.   And the sky does not fall - huzzah!

Just yesterday after writing the post above I had a friend of 20 years over and we had our first open discussion about our pasts.  I knew intuitively that she had faced trauma, but she was guarded and I was guarded and we never brought any of that up.  But we did yesterday because she is in recovery as am I and the time was just right I guess.  I didn't have an EF, but I did sleep for 12 hours last night lol. 

Anyway, my point is that I think you're right about "the rest will follow"