New here, a bit about me

[Laynelove]

Hi guys,

So I'm new here. I thought I'd introduce myself, share a bit of my story and hopefully get some insight.

I'm a 26yo female, my older brother is a narcissist as a result of being sexually abused as a child. I have suffered from narcissistic emotional abuse since the age of about 11. I was also bullied at school at that age. As a result I now suffer from social anxiety disorder, atypical depression and a total lack of personality.

The other stuff I can deal with, but it's the lack of personality and lack of identity and direction in life that has been the most challenging. No response I have is natural, everything I say or do I think about and filter before I say it. I isolate myself from others and cannot open up at all to anyone. I can't get a romantic relationship because I can't show my 'real' self...who ever that might be.

I just wanted to know where to start with recovery. Do I try and beat the depression and then the rest? Or do I start from trying to fix the social anxiety? Or do I talk about the hurt I feel from the past? Lifestyle changes? I'm just not sure what the first step should be.

Even though I hate being depressed, I could deal with it if I have a personality, a strong sense of self and a close relationship, and a life purpose. I could deal with having depression if it wasn't my entire being.

I was also interested in knowing if anyone else has obsessive thoughts? Like right now all I can think about is depression and my past. I obsess over all the things that have gone wrong in the past and the most worrying part is right now I am obsessed with hating my brother. Like the hate I feel towards him and all the mind games he has played on me over all these years is totally consuming every waking hour. I trawl through the internet for hours a day trying to find a 'cure'. Is this normal??

Thanks for listening

[woodsgnome]

Everything you say resonates with my journey. It seems like there's always more questions than answers. So that may actually be that first important step--realizing you're not alone in the search and having the courage to ask. Trouble is, there are no  signposts pointing to a sure cure. If there were, we'd all have gone there, in a heartbeat. But we're here, sharing the steps with you. 

Not having any sure way and being utterly confused  is actually a kind of normalcy, too. Even having obsessive thoughts--they in themselves are signs, and are perfectly normal as well. I mean, they seem to show up whether we like them or not. The thoughts aren't wrong by themselves, and you're not terrible for having them--it's part of being human. And, the fact you've noticed them and would like to work them out (in spite of the pain they also represent) is also more than okay--it shows that you do care, and caring comes from that personality you seek.

You might not think you have much of a personality, but your words suggested otherwise to me. You are strong enough to ask, you're open to wanting to find a more comfortable way of being, and you're willing to learn, despite huge doubts. That's a huge first step, for sure normal, and means you have one beautiful personality just wanting to be seen.

Thanks for sharing and for being here 

[mourningdove]

Hi Laynelove and welcome! 

Like many on this site, I would recommend reading some of Pete Walker's writing: http://www.pete-walker.com/. To answer your last question, I would say yes, what you described is absolutely normal considering what you have been through. I relate to the obsessive thoughts and everything else. You are not alone.

[C.]

Hello Laynelove,

I'm sorry that you were treated so badly as a child.  No child should be emotionally abused.  Your post resonated w/me because I battle depression and anxiety.  For me I've decided the depression is more dangerous and the anxiety I can navigate by reducing triggers, learning about them and how to cope w/them.  The depression and low feeling of self-worth like it sounds like you may be describing are painful.  And like what was mentioned your willingness to reach out here shows personality, perseverance in the face of difficulties, and a desire to recover.  Pete Walker's book and website are great.  He describes the inner critic which sounds a bit like what you've mentioned. 

I don't know the details of your situation but I was actually heartened to hear that you're angry w/your N brother.  Anger is a healthy response to abuse.  As a child you may have had to suppress that feeling.  Is the awareness and feeling new for you?  It might not be, I don't know.  But Walker describes the need for anger as part of the process in recovery.  As for obsessing on the topic maybe your mind really wants to make sense of things?  You may need time to read, think, feel about you past experience.

As for where to start I think you've done a great job describing the areas where you wish to focus.  I feel like I've been in recovery from marital abuse for about 3 yrs. and childhood abuse (all emotional in my case) for under a year.  My T has been very helpful in helping me focus on my current area or perspective that will help me now.   I'm learning that the healing needs to happen in all of the areas, but life seems to present specific hurdles so seeing working through those works well for me.  For example learning to cope w/a co-worker or learning to be mindful and content in the moment.  What I'm trying to say is that I think it won't matter so much where you start your recovery, simply that you pick a focus and work on it as much as meets your needs.  Maybe something about the anger you feel for your brother?  There are exercises like writing unsent letters, talking w/a therapist, art, music that can help process anger.  I've found writing helps me a lot.

So welcome to OOTS.  I like to think that our reactions (C-PTSD) are a "normal" response to an "abnormal" experience (abuse, N behavior, etc.).  I trust that you will begin to find the healing and support that you need.  Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey w/us. 

[Laynelove]

Thanks for all the supportive replies!

I'll definitely check out the links.

As for the anger thing, I didn't start realising that things weren't normal until I was about 21. Up until that point, I thought the emotional abuse was normal. I just thought that all older brothers treated their younger siblings that way. The sad thing is that I idolised him and put him on a pedestal and I think that's why the words and mind games have hurt so much. I started noticing the abuse bit by bit and finally, only a year ago, he came out and told us he was sexually abused as a child. So on one hand I feel sorry for the things that happened to him but on the other hand I am so happy that the fact that the things I was feeling WAS because he is a narcissist and not because there is something wrong with me. I think I might always have a hard time convincing myself that there's nothing wrong with me. It actually got to the point at one stage that I thought I was so weird that I convinced myself that I must have aspergers.

I have been in 'recovery' since I was 21, but up until my brothers sexual abuse was revealed, I had no idea exactly what I was recovering from. My therapist was getting frustrated too because we couldn't find a root cause of anything. He kept digging around my past for some kind of traumatic event that triggered all my problems and I was getting frustrated at the fact that I had told him everything there was to tell. He was right though, the revelation was the missing peice of the puzzle.

Anyway I think my first step might be going back on medication and I have signed up for schema therapy which starts in about a months time. As for healing from my anger and resentment I don't know a good way to deal with this. I've done talk therapy before but to be honest my emotions are so overwhelming in these sessions that I can't actually say what I need to say through the tears. Maybe writing would be a good start.

Thanks for all your replies and input.

[C.]

I decided to modify my original post.  I am sorry because I think I put too much here and too much of my opinion.  Sometimes it's better for me to journal and not necessarily post something here:

Hello Laynelove,

It's great to see your efforts to progress and takes steps forward with recovery. 

I found medication necessary to be essential w/my recovery, but it's different for everyone.  Whatever you decide I trust it will work out for you.   

[DaisyMae]

Well said C.  Agree with all that you have said completely. 

The medication has helped to restore a sense of balance for me so that I could work on developing healthy connections and a sense of self.  And, one day, like C. I will hopefully be able to stop taking it.  But, for now I need the medication and am working at trying to trust and follow the advice of my T. 

Laynelove, I am sorry for the abuse that you have suffered, no child deserves to be treated that way.  It is good to read your efforts towards recovery and know that there are plenty of others here that can relate and are here to provide support and share their experiences on your journey.

:hug:DM

[Hima]

laynelove, i can so relate..i obsess about all the abuse that happened to me and have a lot of intrusive thoughts about it.

hima