Let's hear it for the music!

[Dutch Uncle]

This has evolved into a long story. I started out with wanting to share just one song, but I realized two others were an integral part of it. It's all below the the first Lyrics of "Torn" (triggers for heavy handed break-ups in relationships  )

Partly inspired to post this by the positive reactions on the mime by David Armand: here's one of his best, a duet with:

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xxtz63_torn-by-david-armand-natalie-imbruglia_fun (PG-13)

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on, nothing's fine, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

Writer(s): Anne Preven, Phil Thornalley





Personal background story, probably not a very pleasant read: (possible triggers, as explained above)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I had a flashback to a girl I broke up with, 17 years ago. She was too hard to live with (for me that is, obviously)
I felt horribly guilty over the breakup. Not in the least since she 'threatened' to do unmentionable things to herself. And they were very 'hidden' threats: "Plausible Deniability", "Passive Aggressiveness"... Now that I've learned of these concepts, I understand better what it was all about. I'd like to think so, at least...
So hard to call her out on these vague threats... If I would 'solidify' them, call her out for what they were, or at least what I thought they were meant to convey, I would have been 'the bad guy'. Or so I thought at the time.
Boy, is it hard to figure out if things said are just a figment of my own imagination, or if I read correctly 'between the lines'...
I've carried around those thoughts for many years since. I do think that at some point I liberated myself from them. But the Emotional Flashbacks still resurfaces at times.

End of the story with her was that I fell in love with somebody else, during a two months  long job abroad, where a team of roughly 30-40 people lived in a semi-closed compound. The proverbial "love at first sight". On day one. I was 'lovestruck' even before I had even spoken with this 'new' woman, and I was then so certain that whatever my emotions meant at that time, I was certain it was a clearcut signal I had to break up with my 'so-called-love' at that time. Whether I was really 'in love' seemed a presumptuous question. But I had found an answer to a question that apparently had been clogging my mind for months.
Another song that popped up in this period abroad was the heartbreaking song by Carole King: "It's too late (baby)." (which I'll add as a bonus-song to this post, below) Hearing that song repeatedly pop up (unconsciously?) in my mind, while contemplating what to do in this 'mess', strengthened my resolve to at least break up, and see what would happen afterwards.

Carole King (live):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5TxpJVKKQ8
(Boy, that brings tears as well.)

"Torn" was a small 'hit' in the months after the break up (during which I experienced the full brunt of exGF 'threats'), and it still brings me into tears whenever I hear it.
I've never understood why. Now that I've read the lyrics once more I think:
Is this about a relation with a PD? Nice at the start. What? Wonderful at the start, but it soon degenerates into something that was never there in the first place, and something horrible. "There's nothing where (s)he used to lie" ... "Illusion never changed into something real" ... "To crawl beneath my veins" ... "I don't miss it all that much" ... "I'm torn".

Oh dear, this story is now really getting longwinded. But it's not complete without the last musical reference:
I did not only had Carole King's song in my head during that time abroad, but a song by the B52's as well: Breezin' A song I only learned through stExGf no less:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GlJbgEWSQ0

Key phrases in that song:
I'll hold up the roof, if you steady the walls
We'll sweep the floor, fix the house
Let the waves roll through the door

If anything, I knew there and then there was no way I'd be holding up the roof while she steadied the walls. Let alone we'd sweep the floor together.
Not even a gentle breeze would be allowed to pass through the house :-( . I think that was the most significant 'connection' to it all... The stifling atmosphere that suffocated my relationship with her.

full lyrics to the B52's song (love Kate Pierson's voice BTW):
"Breezin' "

I don't need a reason
I am just breezin'
Makin' changes as they come
Ain't gonna bother anyone
Give and let live
Love and be loved
We're workin' on a positive vibe
So let the love rise to the top
Up here where the breezes blow
Don't let the love flow over stop
We got to get it together
With everyone else
We can't make it to the positive side
Without some help
Breezin'
Let's flow
Breezin'
Let's flow
I'm ready to go
I don't need a reason
I don't need a reason

I'll hold up the roof, if you steady the walls
We'll sweep the floor, fix the house
Let the waves roll through the door
Yeah I'll hold up the roof, if you steady the walls
We'll sweep the floor, fix the house
Let the waves roll through the door
Send a message, put up your antennae tonight
Get the message, put up your antennae tonight
We got to get it together
With everyone else
We can't make it to the positive side
Without some help
This is the turning point
The point of no return-
We got to come together!
Give and let live
Love and be loved

I don't need a reason
I'm breezin'
I don't need a reason
I'm breezin'
I'm breezin'

Writer(s): Frederick Schneider, Catherine Pierson, Julian Strickland
Copyright: Kobalt Music Copyrights S.a.r.l.




Thank you all so much for contributing to this thread, and accepting/sharing my lamentations, as well as my joy.

  (plural)

edit: YouTube link for Torn got blocked. New link inserted

[KayFly]

Dutch Uncle, a huge 

Thank you for sharing what can be so painful. First, on a light note, David Armand is hilarious and I laughed at that song for the first time.

It's so hard when you loved someone so much but they could not be what you deserved them to be.  "Illusion never changed into something real."  How long can we wait for them to change before we've destructed our own self? Our hope.

You did the hard thing by recognizing and taking action to end the relationship even if the motivation was the woman "you fell in love with at first sight". Even if you didn't fall in love at first sight, your body wanted out so your mind made a reason. "It's too late" breaks my heart.

I've left someone who wasn't supportive enough to me, for someone else. I feel guilty to this day.

Boy, is it hard to figure out if things said are just a figment of my own imagination, or if I read correctly 'between the lines'...

I feel the same way about alot of people who I loved, that hurt me during the relationship. I think what you said specifically about the passive aggressive tendencies, her way with hidden threats...that's not right!

But I do the same thing with the guy I left. Like nothing was his fault...all mine. It's because the other person never owned up to the hurt they were causing. It's abusive.

It's confusing and heartbreaking, and as cliche as it is, these things happen at their time and place for a reason. You knew it wasn't going to work. You're brave for following your heart. I'm sorry for the pain it still brings you. I hope your heart heals and I will do this, as I don't like to give advice to anyone unless I'm taking it myself...let's take that guilt and gently remind ourselves we were not receiving our end of the.relationship. it's give and take and I know I was tired of giving.

You sound so warm and peaceful and you start joyful threads on here. I wish you were my uncle! I'm so glad you're here. Thanks again for sharing.

Now let's do a workout!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fRscYVvEFt8

[Lifecrafting]

Wow... good post Dutch Uncle

Thank you for this song; it made me stop and....feel.

Ditto to all KayFly said.

10 years ago I closed a music store I owned/operated for 6 years  before a chain store came to town and killed much of the small biz... it was great while it lasted - so much fun when it came to the sharing of music with others; I learned a lot, I tell you!
Anyway, during that time, I saw the B52s at Redrocks Amphitheater - amazing venue by the way... it was great fun!

The lyrics to Breezin... that's how I see things when I don't think too much; quite a telling little ditty there.

Dutch Uncle, you bring a lot to the table here at OOTS and it's really nice to have you around!

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks so much!

[DaisyMae]

Hi KayFly , thank you for the link.  It was just the medicine I needed after reading Dutch Uncle's post.  I needed a good laugh to help me put aside the triggers.  But triggers are okay, they promote opportunities for learning and growth if approached in the right way.  I laughed my butt off.  And David Armand is hilarious.  There are so many funny people in England.  I will definitely have to watch more of his clips on youtube.  I am glad you are here.  Love your spirit and artistic nature. 

Hi Dutch &  ,
I am very sorry that you suffered such emotional abuse. Your story is so  . It does sound like the "love at first sight" was a blessing in disguise and helped you to make a choice to get out of such a destructive relationship.  I do not have the same courage or self-esteem to make a decision.  Carole King and the B-52's were some of my favorites growing up.  Tapestry is one of the best compilations put together by an artist and I listen to it often still to comfort myself and to try to calm my anxiety. It's Too Late has a lot of meaning to me at the moment and I did cry. The B-52's are so much fun but the lyrics of their songs do have a lot of meaning and application to real life.  I know the song Torn but I never really paid attention to Imbruglia much.  Think you know already, but the lyrics to this song really hit home and was definitely a trigger, but a good one in terms of what I am trying to work thru.

I unfortunately cannot make a choice.  I was young when I met my future "to be husband".  He was my Knight in Shining Armor, my rescuer like in all the fairy tales.  I made excuses for anything he did and blamed myself for any time that he was mad at me, upset with me, yelled at me.  It was my fault and I needed to try harder to make him happy.  I traded one abusive environment for another but I didn't see it because I believed and still do, that anything that happened to me was my fault, that I was intrinsically flawed, bad, the guilty party.  I adapted, changed in every way I could to make him happy.  Nothing mattered, it never lasted long and was never enough. We have been married for almost 23 years and the majority of that time has not been a happy one. I have to comfort and support him but he is not able to the same in return.  I hold up the roof and steady the walls.  The house is about to fall, I am struggling to hold it all up anymore. 

I am at a crossroads I suppose.  I can't make a choice on which direction to go and it is tearing me apart.  I have changed but my husband has not changed in the same way or much at all really.  We do not have much to talk about anymore.  He talks about himself and I am here just to listen.  He will ask me to talk about something and I get maybe a sentence or 2 out and he is already bored and taking over the conversation.  But, if I leave him, I will feel guilty, bad, shamed (I do just thinking about) and I fear being alone, disowned (not sure why, I basically already am by my family), and never finding the unconditional love that I so desperately need.  Basically, I figure that my idea of what this kind of love is like is unrealistic, a fantasy world.    I love my husband and do not want to hurt him.  And, I don't think he really understands how what he does effects me because he can only really think about himself and his own self-protection.  He does not have empathy (isn't capable) and can't put himself in my shoes.  There are no apologies, no forgiveness, accepting me for who I am.  Just like growing up minus the beatings.  But his abuse is just as scary at times and he scares me.  I know I have to learn to come to terms with myself, build confidence, self worth in order to make a decision on how to move forward and be okay with it.  But, the environment I am in just keeps beating me back down.  The triggers are constant and I am lucky just to tread the waters.

Sorry this ended up being such a long post. Thank you for being here Dutch.  You have helped me to express myself and come to many realizations.  I have to make the choice to take action on them and in a positive way. This is the first time I have really been able to open up on the forum in awhile but you know that already too.  I start my outpatient therapy on Monday, wish me luck. 

DaisyMae
 

[Dutch Uncle]

I start my outpatient therapy on Monday, wish me luck. 

I do, DaisyMae. The best of luck.

[KayFly]

Thanks DaisyMae   You are sweet and I am also glad you are here.  Same goes to Dutch and everyone who posts here on this thread. 

Take care. Giant to all.  Hope you're feeling a little better Dutch. Its such a hard thing to process. I'm here for you anytime. You are a blessing and an asset to this community.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hope you're feeling a little better Dutch.

I do. It has turned out to be quite cathartic. I've never told the story in all it's fullness as I did here. It has really helped me to write it up WITH all the musical references, as they WERE such a big part of the process I went through.
This thread is turning out to be something I had never expected it to be...
(Woodsgnome told me in the "letters of recovery"-segment she liked 'making movies' better. I think I'll stick to this 'musical' format.  . It has done wonders for me)

I'm here for you anytime.

I noticed. Thanks a lot for that. 

You are a blessing and an asset to this community.

Dutch Uncle, you bring a lot to the table here at OOTS and it's really nice to have you around!

Thanks so much. Such words lift me up.

And the thanks go out to all of you here, I feel so validated by your encouraging words and your own contributions to this thread.

[Dutch Uncle]

You can all make a safe bet on why I post this here  .

With a little help from my friends
performed by Joe Cocker at Woodstock
(I prefer the agonized Joe over the more harmonious Beatles original. But credit where credit is due: It's an awesome Lennon/McCarthy song)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POaaw_x7gvQ

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone?
How do I feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own?

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you but I know it's mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Yes, I get high with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

Songwriters
LENNON, JOHN WINSTON / MCCARTNEY, PAUL JAMES

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

[DaisyMae]

Perfect tune!  Good job Dutch Uncle.  I prefer the Joe Cocker version as well.  Reading the lyrics made me feel all warm and fuzzy this morning, helped to calm my anxiety on my way in to work this morning.  Thank you! And I am feeling better with a little help from my friends here at OOTS!


DaisyMae.

[DaisyMae]

I went to my first outpatient session today. The interview process is long and painful.  I immediately disassociated and depersonalized to get thru it.  The therapist I met with called me out on it right away.  Asked if I was and how I was doing it.  I usually hide it well but apparently not today or this woman is just that good.  I was triggered all over the place.  Gave me a lot to think about.  Evanescence / Amy Lee has always been a group that I could relate too and love her voice.  I decided to listen to Anywhere but Home, it is significant for me.  Brought back a lot of memories that I would have rather not drudged up.  Someone who really cares on the forum reached out to me and made her best effort to get me to leave my current situation.  Hopefully the outpatient therapy will help me grow stronger, feel I am worth saving, and give me the courage to leave.

Lyrics to Evanescence's Missing from Anywhere but Home,

Please, please, forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one
"Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please, forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something

Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZo5KuNkB60

I have been alone in my marriage for a very long time.  My husband says that he loves me often but they are just words, no action.  The words do not mean anything and it is the only thing he says.  He gives me a fake hug from time to time and says I Love You and because he does it everyday, it makes everything else he does okay.  His anger, his belittling, being his clown, threatening me, and many more types of abuse.  On top of it all he is a porn addict and we almost never have sex.  And, I have to initiate it and it is like he is doing me a favor.  Over the years, I have attempted several times to talk about, make him understand how his behavior is killing me, makes me feel empty and unloved.  Like I am unimportant and insignificant.  But I do not have the courage to leave and I am afraid of him.  And, for whatever reason I truly still love him.  I have been with him since I was 17 and I would die to be truly loved by him.  He does not understand and just can't change.  It is not about me, it is all about him.  I will not post them here but the songs Whisper and My Immortal also have a lot of meaning for me and how I feel today.  Thank you to everyone here, everyone is so kind and supportive.  I have read several posts today that show that there really are people that care in the world.

DaisyMae

[Dutch Uncle]

That's a beautiful sad song, DaisyMae.

I can see how it relates to your situation. 
I hope things will work out, one way or another. And I wish your outpatient treatment will be of help to you. The T sounds like a woman in the know, she's not letting you of the hook. Which is a good thing, IMHO. A bit scary perhaps, but it could proof to be a real asset.

I'm sending you best wishes! 

[Dutch Uncle]

For something completely different: A very meditative modern classical piece by the composer Simeon ten Holt.
Performed by 4 pianos, the music is just like rippling water, a calming brook.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDCsOL2vBJc

No two performances are likely to ever be same, due to the very structure of the composition. It could go on for days.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canto_Ostinato
(that would be a bit much for me  )

[Lifecrafting]

DaisyMae, I read your post yesterday but couldn't find it within myself to respond, your story touches me deeply.

Hopefully the outpatient therapy will help me grow stronger, feel I am worth saving, and give me the courage to leave.

DaisyMae, you are precious here at OOTS! Nobody has your unique life experience ~ none of us are able to share thoughts/feelings/ideas that only you have based on those experiences and no one here can share your gifts that come through that ~ not one of us can touch another in the same way that you can. Not one of us!
You are valuable. Even if you weren't here on this site, you are an amazing child of creation and have something to give to the world - YOU.

I sense a very strong woman underneath all you are going through; I hope that between you and your T, you can keep yourself lifted up until you find that courage; I will be thinking of you and send blessings your way every chance I get.

If I can help you in any way, just ask and I will do my best.

My hug function isn't working so I will just tell you, GREAT BIG HUGS FOR YOU!!!

[DaisyMae]

Thank you Lifecrafting, your words mean more than you could ever know.  I am struggling with believing that I am strong at the moment.  Your message brought tears to me but in a good way.  You said such beautiful things and your message was so strong that I actually felt it, I experienced emotion in a way that I never do.  I really do not know how joy or happiness feels, to feel loved unconditionally and so many here are teaching me that this does laugh a lot and have a great sense of humor but that is because comedy is the only thing that keeps me sane and helps me to disassociate, like it isn't all real.  Thank you for the big hugs and I am here for you as well any time.

DaisyMae