Nice to meetcha

Started by heatresistantwings, July 28, 2015, 05:17:21 PM

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heatresistantwings

Hi. I'm here because the face to face world is an incredibly isolating place of confusion, fear, and wishing I could understand and relate to people better. I have no idea how act like a normal person. When I get stressed about something I ruminate and can't really talk about much else, whether it's something going on now or feeling like I'm burdening people with stories of an abusive childhood, people who cant relate because they have healthy families and have therefore never had any need to step out of their comfortable boxes and relate to another person's struggle, but then I can't express that either because then I'm just "being negative." *sigh*

I'm hoping that by coming here I can get some perspective and stop alienating people in day to day life. I've tried therapy face to face but so far all I've found are therapists with weak boundaries and looks of shock on their faces when I speak candidly about my experiences, or I tell them things and then through their responses I hear their own stories bleeding through in what sound to me like inaccurate and bizarre interpretations. This is probably because all I seem to have access to are interns who lack the nuanced understanding that comes with experience. I know this isn't supposed to be a replacement for therapy but my goddess I need something!

I'm hoping that by being here I can have a place to relax where I'm not at odds with the world, where I can talk to people who understand what it's like to know in your bones how OMFGHOSTILE the world can seem at times, and what it's like to get the eye rolling and snide comments from the naive and judgmental majority that pervade the public and private spheres, where the blatant stigma and seemingly lighthearted dehumanizing cuts to the core aren't par for the course of navigating your way through the day. *God, I'm just kidding. Lighten up! <-----nope  :blowup:

I'm hoping that this will finally be the place that I find a feeling of peace and refuge. It always feels final. It never is. I've tried the medication route in an attempt to stamp out the symptoms but I can't learn when I'm on some meds, I can't stay awake on others, I'm just not me on others, my hair falls out on others, I lose impulse control and my sense of what's appropriate on still others, sometimes it's a crossover. There has to be some way of controlling flashback symptoms that doesn't involve pure willpower or drugging. Rigid order in the house generally helps but I have young roommates who don't see the value in this. At least this affirms the life path that never led me to have children. Who knows, there's still a little time for that.

Lastly, I'm here looking for a place where people who truly understand what the roller coaster of CPTSD is like to ride, who can tell me when I'm right and when I'm wrong and help me navigate the chaotic, mysterious, often duplicitous behaviors of humanity. <---possibly me looking through a flashback lense here

Trees

Welcome to you, heatresistantwings.  I am so glad you found this site.  There are plenty, plenty of us here who feel clueless about how to act like a "normal person".  I myself have a long history of ruminative negative thoughts that were only helped at all by gabapentin.

So much of what you write sounds like things I have thought myself again and again.  I have often felt that people react to me with alienation and shock, even if they were therapists.  The world does often seem scary and hostile to me.

This site was designed to be a safe place for people like us to support each other with information and compassion as we learn to deal with the condition of complex ptsd.  We seek to speak to each other as we would wish to be spoken to as we share our own experience and knowledge with each other.  The Guidelines for Members is a good place to learn more about the site.

A recommended reading is Pete Walker's book, "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving."  It has a lot of information about the condition and is written in a warm and compassionate manner.  Pete Walker himself has cptsd, and he speaks from long experience.  He has helped lessen my shame and fear.

On this site you will be free from "eye rolling and snide comments" and I do so hope you will find a sense of safety here.  I hope you will help us create a refuge here for people like us. :hug:

Boatsetsailrose

Hello heat resistant wings
Thank u for sharing
I can identify ! Relating is my hardest area and feeling so sensitive in a big world -
I have just completed 12 wks with a senior specialist in child trauma - we covered so much in that time. This forum is invaluable also-
I have just received Pete walkers book 'from surviving to thriving' it's a boom that many recommend on here - and there are techniques to work with regarding flashbacks and the inner and outer critic ( very helpful...
I have just come out of a flashback and it was awful - my outer critic is rife at the mo - ie my mind being negative about others and then being negative and self hatred towards me -

Learning about cptsd and fitting what I experience into a framework has been such a relief - before that I was depressive anxiety - in addictions and I finally feel I am getting some stability within myself that I have never had before

Am very grateful for this forum and being able to connect with others who come from similar and experience similar in their daily life -
I'm learning (slowly) to be more open to relating and at the same time have containment within me - finding that balance is delightful -
I feel more myself and that I don't have to act so much
I wish u all the best in the start of your journey and all the resources that are on offer ☺️

woodsgnome

Hi  :wave: Heatresistantwings, glad to meetcha as well.

I've been roaming around here for a spell, and I find it a huge help in trying to make sense out of non-sense. Having cptsd is like sorting through a huge attic of junk that needs intense sorting, let alone cleaning, if it doesn't scare one from even trying. It's also rather akin to foraging in a bottomless pit with no idea what's down there.

Like yourself, my intense loneliness is made worse by the bizarre reactions of even some well-meaning people, including therapists, who either don't get it or don't want to. I've found the people on this site invaluable for insights that could only come from people who've been through intense fire but somehow weren't consumed by the flames. OMG, that last, about finding trustworthy people--that's huge, coming from someone who has had a lifetime of trust issues.   

Pat answers to messy stuff is often pretty elusive, but at least you've landed with safe traveling companions who've thrown their judgments overboard. Again, glad to meetcha.   

heatresistantwings

Thanks for replying, Boatsetsailrose and Trees. I'm really glad I found this site! Thank you for the book suggestion. I'm going to look for a copy in the library!