Telling others about C-PTSD

[stillhere]

This question is such a judgment call -- or maybe more accurately a crap shoot.  And it's obviously linked to what one is willing to say about the source of the trauma, which is in turn linked to what others might know anyway.

I've recently had reason to tell two friends/professional colleagues, and the support has been terrific, beyond what I might have hoped.  Yet in the past, others have turned on me for "blaming" my mother instead of explaining away her behavior as a result of her own oppression. 

My only take-away has been to try to choose confidants carefully.  I have little reason to disclose CPTSD, except to a few close friends who are genuinely interested.  More often, I've been challenged to navigate around questions related to family or childhood, as another thread has discussed.

[Dyess]

Agree.

[Kizzie]

I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.

Interesting Cocobird, my 24 year old son was just home for two weeks and I tried to test the waters by showing him this site.  He thought it was interesting, but did not take it any further.  My H and I talked about it afterward and we came to the conclusion that he is not quite ready to see us as anything but his parents yet.  He still see's us as his reliable, stable mother and father and isn't ready to think about the fact that we are humans and have problems.

I was a bit bummed but at the same time I'd rather not have him become uncomfortable around me as has happened with your daughter.  And I'm so sorry to hear that is the case     Would she respond if you told her up front she can put this matter aside until she is ready to talk about it, that you are recovering and don't want it to come between you?

[Dyess]

"All things in their proper time"

[MaryAnn]

Agree that, at least for me, it is just best to stay in the closet about having CPTSD .  Only my T, Pscyh, one colleague, the people in group therapy (no last names shared) and my husband know that I am not the stable, strong person I appear to be.  And, I really wish my husband didn't know.  He doesn't understand or want to hear about it. And,now he is being overly (like fake) nice and is always asking me how my medication is working, making me feel like I am defective or something.  Would never tell my family as they are still abusive and would not be supportive.  And I work in a very conservative environment with a lot of people that are more concerned about how things appear and who has what so they would judge me and I would be outcast.  You hear them talk about others often and their opinions on people who have problems or have committed "banned topic."  You know that they think they are better than you or anyone like you and that you are flawed, not one of them .  I know that the majority of people may really not be like this but as a result of how I grew up, I do not trust anyone.  It is really hard for me.  And, I do not like to be hugged or touched, unless it is my husband (and sometimes not even him). 

MaryAnn

[Cocobird]

I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.

Interesting Cocobird, my 24 year old son was just home for two weeks and I tried to test the waters by showing him this site.  He thought it was interesting, but did not take it any further.  My H and I talked about it afterward and we came to the conclusion that he is not quite ready to see us as anything but his parents yet.  He still see's us as his reliable, stable mother and father and isn't ready to think about the fact that we are humans and have problems.

I was a bit bummed but at the same time I'd rather not have him become uncomfortable around me as has happened with your daughter.  And I'm so sorry to hear that is the case     Would she respond if you told her up front she can put this matter aside until she is ready to talk about it, that you are recovering and don't want it to come between you?

My daughter is 44 -- I just don't mention it anymore. It seems to be working -- we are seeing each other more now.

[Kizzie]

That's good to hear Cocobird 

[Convalescent]

What has been your experience on telling others that you have PTSD or C-PTSD? I have gotten reactions of laughing to , snickers, to some asking me if I'm being truthful. It's hurts when people react that way. I think most think if you have been a combat veteran that PTSD can not possibly be experienced by a civilian. I am a veteran, but did not spend anytime in combat. I'm thinking it's best to just keep this to myself and just say I have depression, something they may understand.

So do I, people doesn't get it. They may get depression/anxiety, but they don't get trauma. Though they think they do. and people will not ease back on their expertise with this illness they have nothing on. That's my experience, anyway. Depression and/or anxiety is much easier, it's less personal, and more accepted.

[tired]

If you say you have something that sounds strange people get uncomfortable. Depression is talked about so much that it's easy for people to accept. Of course it gives an entirely inaccurate impression but who cares.  I explain myself differently to different people depending on why I'm explaining it in the first place.  If I'm trying to avoid going out for dinner I might say I have multiple food allergies or I have OCD .  I mean whatever I think the person will believe. And whatever will make them leave me alone. Usually I make a neutral excuse like I'm really busy or I work a lot or my kid has been difficult lately or my cat is sick or my car is acting up. I mean who cares. 

A client of mine is a therapist and believes in being open about problems. I disagree. I say hide it.  Overcome as much as you can and go on living and you'll probably realize you're functioning better than a lot of people. I don't care what people think of me anymore. 

[obscured]

I have told several people about my cPTSD. One person seemed interested to know more about how the condition effects me. Most people cannot comprehend it. My understanding is that most therapists do not understand it either. As nice as it would be to be given external validation from all of my support network the reality is the condition is beyond most people's understanding of the world and so their response is minimal.

I am sorry you have recieved invalidating responses Trace. The great thing is that those of us here definetely do understand cPTSD which is why this board is so comforting and affirming.

[Dyess]

Hello Obscured and welcome to the forum. I think it's part of the journey and we figure out who to tell and who not to tell. A lot of T don't get it and still try to approach it as a single event of PTSD. It's not like that, but I think more and  more people are coming around to understanding the complexity of our condition. It's very important that we have a safe place to discuss these issues like this forum. We "get it" and even though I am further into my own journey than some people are it's good we can be here for each other and explain the bumps in the road and what worked and didn't work for us. There's no one fix all "pill" for this but understanding what is going and it's okay sometimes to feel the things we do makes us not feel so damn crazy. Excuse my language.

[jmurray4092]

That's what I do..it's depression.
People wouldn't understand how years  of sexual, physical, emotional abuse can stay with you. They think that once you're out of the environment you recover. I can't pick which incident caused me to think, feel, behave, and live this way? There's too many to recall? People would sum up this affliction as crazy...how could simple things cause such a reaction?? No, they wouldn't understand what it's like to be this way....depression, is the closest experience they could relate to. Other people caused this. It's not something we're born with, there's no magic pill to balance our brain chemicals. There's no therapy that we can find self and rebuild what has been lost in life. We're not broken because we can't be fixed. We survive, because of what someone did to us, repeatedly over time. Whatever it takes...survive!

[I like vanilla]

I have been experimenting with telling/not telling over the last several months. Mostly, I have gotten good responses but I am also careful who (whom?) I tell. Although I have CPTSD from childhood abuse (and likely have had it most of my life), I only learned that that is what is was about a year ago. I am still figuring the whole thing out myself but find in some cases it is helpful to 'tell' and in others not so much. In a couple of cases I have been surprised.

Here are some of my 'telling' experiences so far:

-I have told my close friends and for the most part have gotten very supportive responses. It has also helped them understand why sometimes I am not a great listener (almost always because I am dissociating and no longer 'there') and they need to tell me things again (and sometimes again and again), as well as some other dysfunctional responses that I still have in different situations. It has also helped them be supportive of me in my healing, where, for example, I am playing more (such as going down slides at playgrounds). Theses friends understand this is not 'weird' but really 'fun' and 'healing' and 'enjoyable'. Most have joined me in my play.

-I was, however, surprised by someone who was (note the past tense) a close friend. She is in health care and really 'should have' known better. But her response was to the effect of 'well, you just need to think happy thoughts about rainbows and unicorns to feel better'. And, 'It's your fault your stuck since you insist on holding on to your monkey brain'.  The discussion went badly after that (read we had a big fight) and we are no longer really speaking to one another. In hindsight, she is in deep denial about her own childhood traumas but rather than getting help she has opted for 'spiritual bypassing' (e.g. she is now 'too deep' too feel feelings like sadness and anger and everyone who 'chooses' to do so is shallow and not in touch with God  ) and moral relativism (e.g. I was wrong to think a bully in my life was behaving badly toward me; all I had to do was choose to not get upset by the abusive treatment, and yes, allow it to continue as it was not 'inherently wrong'  ). I think she was also threatened by the progress I have been making with my new therapist as the contrast at some level 'forced' her to unwillingly see her own problems. I am sad to have lost this friend  but as long as she is in the place that she is in I cannot return to the friendship that we had before. I am done with co-dependent relationships  . My own mental health and well-being are more important to me than protecting someone else's wall of denial.

-I also recently told a group of people that I volunteer with on a board of directors for a non-profit, non-governmental organization. Normally, I would not have done so but the CPTSD was affecting my ability to handle my related tasks. I was relieved, touched, and grateful how supportive these individuals were to my situation  . I discovered that at least one is working with a loved one who has PTSD and suspect at least one or two others are supporting loved ones with other mental injuries and challenges. Perhaps among this group are others who are dealing with mental injuries and challenges themselves.

-I volunteer with another group that I would not tell. Not because it's 'unsafe'. I think this group would be supportive. However, the CPTSD does not interfere with the work that I do with them, and I would like to keep it a 'CPTSD free zone' where I can just go and have fun and be 'normal' (whatever that is and forgive me for the use of that particular word for want of a better one).

-Although a couple of well-chosen people at work do know, I would NEVER 'out' myself to my workplace as a whole. It would be completely unsafe. The head of my section is a bully and *&$^%-type person. I also think he is a misogynist who would certainly use the CPTSD against me in the way that I am certain he would have used 'you must be PMS-ing' against the women in the department if he could still get away with it (he still is generally dismissive to the women in the department dismissing any concerns we raise as us being 'too emotional' ). Also, many of the people at my work have a background in the natural sciences and view the social sciences, such as psychology, with suspicion and, I think often unfelt fear. Telling them I have CPTSD would most likely result in them viewing me with suspicion and fear too, and again, using it as an excuse to not take me seriously.

Overall, for the last few months I have been experimenting with who I tell and who I can tell and who I want to tell. Sometimes I feel safe enough to tell, sometimes I need to to help others understand where I am coming from, sometimes it's unsafe, and sometimes I just don't want to; I don't always want to be the 'CPTSD advocate'. That said, when it is safe to tell and I have the energy to do so then I do it. The way that I see it is that those of us with mental injuries, challenges, disorders, illnesses, etc. are among the last who are still 'forced' into the closet. If we had diabetes or high blood pressure then there usually would be no shame in telling. Why then are we taught (often through derision and insults and mocking) to stay in the closet?

I suspect much of the negative response comes from fear and often denial. People fear mental illnesses and injuries because this category of 'unwellness' is so unknown. We still know so little about the brain and how it works and how it is injured and healed (e.g. PTSD has only been a diagnosis since about the 1980s and CPTSD is still not one on its own in the DMS). There is a fear that if it can happen to 'those people' then it can happen to 'me' or 'my family' and not enough is known about what to do about it. I also suspect that there is a level of denial. Mocking and deriding help to dismiss the idea that abuses and traumas can cause lasting injuries and dysfunctions. To admit such a thing often means that the person giving the negative response must step outside their own box of denial and start dealing with the fallout of the injuries and traumas that they may have suffered.

But, I am tired of being in the closet. I never chose to be born into the family I had. I never chose or consented to being abused. I did the very best I could in the circumstances I had at an age that was way to young to be dealing with the circumstances I was in (and really, no one of any age should be subjected so such abuse but at least older you have a better understanding of it). The people (largely my parents) who did these things are seen as 'pillars' of the community while society tells me that I ought to hide in the closet in shame for having a fairly 'normal' reaction to incredibly abnormal circumstances. Ridiculous!!! I am tired of carrying someone else's shame. No they will never carry it themselves, but no I do not need to carry it any more either.

So if I can tell then I will tell because the more I speak the more I say 'this is someone else's shame' and the more I say 'this is what psychological injury looks like' (like you, like me, like those who would dismiss and try to shame us). Yes, sometimes it backfires, and yes sometimes it is not safe so I stay quiet. But when I can speak I will speak because often it makes that spark in someone who did not know better, and often it makes a connection with someone who is relieved to learn that they are not alone with what they are dealing with.

[tired]

I've had a few experiences lately where clients open up about their lives and I'm thinking "you have c-ptsd". I mentioned this only once to a client. It doesn't seem appropriate but I'm not sure. I think it depends on whether I present myself as someone who is coping well or not. Because if I let people know I'm still struggling they might not want to be around me and for good reasons I think.

It does make sense to tell someone if I come off as being in a good place because then I can say "I'm functioning and you can too". For me it comes down to whether or not I can be helpful.

As far as telling for my own benefit... Doesn't seem to be a good idea.  I can't explain why I think this.

[Kizzie]

Vanilla - no words just a BIG     and     and