1 800 Hoovering ?

[SadieMist]

About 3 years ago my mother hung up on me when I drew a boundary she didn't like. 6 months later, she sent me flowers for Christmas.  She continues to send me flowers every Christmas, using 1800 Flowers.  This year, she sent me flowers for my birthday too on addition to trying to give me a phone call (which is new).  I've grown to hate receiving flowers.  Often truffles accompany them.  The sight of truffles now make me nauseated.  Just the sight of that 1 800 Flowers box sends me into a depressed tearful state for at least a week (progress because it used to be a solid month).  I have gone NC because I just can't take the verbal abuse, threats of abandonment, and actual abandonment anymore.  I wish I could just not accept the delivery but nobody is there to say "no thanks" when the box is delivered.  I am putting this post here, in complex PTSD, because just the thought of subjecting myself to ANY interaction with my parents is terrifying to me.  My therapist suggested that I could write a letter, drawing boundaries, he would help...blah blah blah.  I have NO idea what he said after that because all I could do at even the thought of contacting them was feel overwhelmed and terrified. 

I feel just ridiculous to be so tortured by a floral delivery.  I feel trapped because I'm too frightened to contact them to stop the Hoovering.  Does anyone have any thoughts/ advice?

[Cuthberta]

About 3 years ago my mother hung up on me when I drew a boundary she didn't like. 6 months later, she sent me flowers for Christmas.  She continues to send me flowers every Christmas, using 1800 Flowers.  This year, she sent me flowers for my birthday too on addition to trying to give me a phone call (which is new).  I've grown to hate receiving flowers.  Often truffles accompany them.  The sight of truffles now make me nauseated.  Just the sight of that 1 800 Flowers box sends me into a depressed tearful state for at least a week (progress because it used to be a solid month).  I have gone NC because I just can't take the verbal abuse, threats of abandonment, and actual abandonment anymore.  I wish I could just not accept the delivery but nobody is there to say "no thanks" when the box is delivered.  I am putting this post here, in complex PTSD, because just the thought of subjecting myself to ANY interaction with my parents is terrifying to me.  My therapist suggested that I could write a letter, drawing boundaries, he would help...blah blah blah.  I have NO idea what he said after that because all I could do at even the thought of contacting them was feel overwhelmed and terrified. 

I feel just ridiculous to be so tortured by a floral delivery.  I feel trapped because I'm too frightened to contact them to stop the Hoovering.  Does anyone have any thoughts/ advice?

When the flowers arrive don't open the box; don't even look at it. Put it into a bag and take it to the nearest old people's home and leave it there. Tell the receptionist you are allergic to pollen.

[Dutch Uncle]

When the flowers arrive don't open the box; don't even look at it. Put it into a bag and take it to the nearest old people's home and leave it there. Tell the receptionist you are allergic to pollen.

Excellent idea! 

[SadieMist]

Excellent idea.

[Cuthberta]

Excellent idea.

The problem is one of boundaries; you feel the flowers as an invasion; an extension of your abuser into your space. That is the way the distorted world of abusers work, but not the real way. Anything coming to your door with your name on it belongs to you; it does not belong to her. You can put it on a bonfire, throw it in the rubbish, shred it into bits and throw it from a high hill, throw it on the floor and trample on it; anything you like.

I like the idea of giving them to elderly people because that way what is intended as a poison apple to you becomes instead a blessing to others. And this in turn makes you the fairy godmother, destroying the toxicity by your touch and behaviour. You are now immune to any poison that is thrown your way; it cannot hurt you any more. You get to choose who can come close and who can't. The flowers can't.

I wish you all the best.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello

Suggestion - call the service and put a block on deliveries to your address -

Apologies for asking - why do u need to write a letter etc ?
My experience is any interaction leads to negative -
My mother used to get my address when ever I moved from another relative - each yr a Christmas card sometimes a b day card ( but not always --
I used to not open it and put it in the bin - not in anger just in a 'I can't have that energy in the house ..

Last year the cards stopped - I did ' to my surprise' feel sad -
But that feeling didn't last for long

I am glad to be 'totally free'

But I am visiting my grandmother soon and I tremble of seeing mother in the future - I hope ( really hope I don't ) but if I do - I have a plan of leaving straight away if it happens -
I can't be in that energy - EVER

[KayFly]

I really resonate with what Boatsetsailrose just posted.

"My experience is any interaction leads to negative."

I was really tied into my abusive family's crazy antics, manipulation, and really just terrible company for too long.  Last time I saw my dad, he convinced me to come to a family Christmas by guilting me into "I think this will be your grandfather's last Christmas", so if I don't go, he'll die and I will be a bad person for having not gone. *. I fell for it for the last time.

A little over a year ago, I cut off all ties with my birth family, moved to a new place, changed my phone number. I had to get away from it completely.  It was one of the hardest, most painful decisions I ever made, but one of the healthiest things I have ever done for myself.

Not everyone can move to a new house on a new hill. But I like this:

"Suggestion - call the service and put a block on deliveries to your address"

I hope you find clarity and can move away from something that is sucking up your energy.

[Boatsetsailrose]

My experience is - it gets easier in time

It was such a big thing at first for me - I mean it would be wouldn't it - it's not the average person that has to divorce their family ...

It's been 7 yrs now -

I like my new life

And each day get a little piece of the broken unbroken -

All best wishes to you and your integrity

[Cuthberta]

Hello

Suggestion - call the service and put a block on deliveries to your address -

Good idea!

Apologies for asking - why do u need to write a letter etc ?
My experience is any interaction leads to negative -
My mother used to get my address when ever I moved from another relative - each yr a Christmas card sometimes a b day card ( but not always --
I used to not open it and put it in the bin - not in anger just in a 'I can't have that energy in the house ..

Last year the cards stopped - I did ' to my surprise' feel sad -
But that feeling didn't last for long

I am glad to be 'totally free'

But I am visiting my grandmother soon and I tremble of seeing mother in the future - I hope ( really hope I don't ) but if I do - I have a plan of leaving straight away if it happens -
I can't be in that energy - EVER

Imo, as long as we have to avoid certain energy we are not free. The day we really don't care what they do, when or where, because there is no energy that can reach us any more, then we will be free.

(I am not free from some energies, while others have become a matter of indifference. I am hoping they will all lose their power in time.)

[SadieMist]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses.  I never thought about calling the company to block deliveries.  Will definitely give that I try.  If that doesn't work, I'll just try giving them away, unless the fancy strikes me to let flowers have the brunt of my anger.  I haven't tried that yet. It might be quite cathartic.  I smashed 100 mason jars once, throwing each one in anger about what has happened to me.  It was one of the most therapeutic things ice done. 

I have walked this road alone for so long. Therapy only goes so far.  Most of my friends just tell me how sorry I will be that I went NC when my parents die.  They don't understand I think my biggest emotion will be relief.  I never knew a community like this existed.  I have learned so much from this community and am so very thankful for it. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Sadiemist
Yes letting out the anger was so good for me - I used to beat a lot of pillows !
Smashing 100 jars sounds good to
Also I used to go to open spaces / hills where no one else was and let out lots of noise

Yes I feel that 'when they die it really is over - and yes that's not comprehend able to many people -
I believe that energy is still toxic while it is on the earth and will always be with me in part - the fear

But we do our best don't we to stay safe and heal - to regain sanity and live our truth and integrity and I fully agree this forum and meeting others really helps me

All best wishes 🌼

[Golden Tapestry]

I really understand about the "ending when they die" comment.  My main abuser died about a year and a half ago (my aunt that raised me) and she died of cancer.  I hadn't had contact for years but when she died it was a relief and I felt that she deserved the pain that ended her life.  I feel the same way about all of my mother's family and one of my sisters.  The world will be a better place without their toxicity and each time one of them leaves, it's a better place to be.  xo