I am scared to go back to school.

[KayFly]

Hey guys,

I really need to talk about this, and would love any input.

So, last year around this time, I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone, and started attending a junior college.  I am a declared Theater Arts major with an emphasis in Acting, but I very much enjoy working on Film projects.

I have a tendency to jump into relationships with people too quickly and then get hurt.  I have never really known, in my adult life, how to pursue healthy relationships or friendships.  Before, I just fell into unhealthy relationships and got taken advantage of often, and was often abusing drugs, or I just didn't trust people enough to get close to them.  But when I made the move, I was kind of a fight type about it, and would be like pushy almost, and try to force the friendship before really even getting to know the person.  I would just assume that from the energy I had picked up so far was good, so why not? Kind of funny to think about now.

So my first semester at school was okay.  I made one semi-friend, mostly kept to myself. The second semester I got more confident, started getting to know people, and I decided I wanted to start working on a film project (i was way in over my head, school and therapy along with the recent estrangement of my abusive family was already super stressful)

There was a guy in my Acting for Film and TV class who is super charismatic, like me, and his name rhymed with mine. He led the improv club and taught me about it and we became friends very quickly.  I decided I wanted to start a film project writing with him, and that the name would be very catchy as our names rhymed.

We started making sketches, he got a camera, and we filmed 2 comedy sketches that he wrote.  But Every time that I tried to express a creative idea for a sketch, I felt like he would take it, and make it into something different, and i am not used to feeling safe saying "no, i don't want it that way." So it ended up being day after day of, me trying to tell him an idea that I had been working on for like 5 years, but before I could finish my first sentence, he took a whole new spin on it. Took it somewhere completely different.  I wasn't being heard, and I wasn't being assertive about being heard. It worked the same way when we filmed things. Anything that I said, he usually didn't agree with and I started getting defiant.

Until the day that it really came down to it.  I purchased a program that we could edit all of our films on, made us an email address, a youtube channel, I set up a meeting with our friend to teach us how to edit everything...but that night, I was so pent up about my creative ideas not being heard, and I hadn't even realized it.  My boyfriend who I live with, asked me, "whats wrong?"

I cried and cried and cried, because I had been reminded of that helpless little girl who never got to say no, who never felt safe speaking her mind. I guess I was in an emotional flashback of when my parents used to hurt me. I feel afraid and really vulnerable just typing that on here.

My boyfriend was shocked, because from his observations, I was really excited about the project, and I was! We were getting so much hype. Everyone wanted to write for us, and I started getting to know people and work on other film projects and I was beginning to get involved with the community.

But that night, I knew that something wasn't right and I could not continue the project with the way it was going, so I wrote my friend an email, and I said, basically that I didn't feel that my creative ideas were being expressed and it was too hard for me to collaborate with him at that time.  But the fact that I emailed him, triggered him.  Why couldn't I have said it to his face? I felt like every time I tried to say something to his face, he wouldn't listen to me. So it was easier for me to write it all out so i wouldn't forget what I was saying before he interrupted all of my thought process.  I needed to speak my * peace at this point.

The next day at school he was furious.  We were supposed to film something together in class.  He wouldn't talk to me. I had to force him to come outside and talk to me.  He told me that he was reminded of an ex girlfriend who broke up with him via email.  Apparently he had just gotten out of a long engagement, a very painful thing for him, and I triggered it.  He said "Why didn't you just tell me to shut up?" ...and I thought "because I don't want to tell you to shut up every 5 seconds." But what I did aloud was cry and say "I'm just facing a lot of pain and in a really bad place in my life right now."  How could I explain to this normal person who I had known less than a few weeks, who I had ALREADY jumped into a project with, that I was molested and beaten by my parents my whole life and thats the * reason I couldn't tell him to shut up all the time?

I'm getting so upset thinking about this moment. You won't believe what he did.  First, in front of everyone, he hugged me compassionately while i balled my eyes out in front of the whole class. I had to leave and miss class that day. Luckily I met with our mutual friend (the editor), who told me i wasn't crazy and that the guy was really hard to collaborate with.  And the editor definitely knew from experience...

So after all this I thought the guy would still be my friend after that, but he was too hurt by the rejection and the reminder of his heartbreak  ...So I tried to talk to him, I apologized when I didn't need to, I just wanted everything to be okay between us, but he wanted to retaliate. And he did. 

He rounded up every theater and film nerd that I * know at that place, and asked them to audition for a movie he wrote, he asked every single person in the community, except for me.  All of the friends I had made, were in for the project.  Even after that, I still tried to befriend him. No way.  I don't even know why anymore.  He was being so immature. But I do understand he was hurt, but I mean wow.

So this sent me into a major emotional flashback of being isolated and left out of a community of people that I kind of considered a tribe, like my family.  I felt like he got everyone in the community to be on his side.  And I watched every one of the people I thought were my friends, go for the project.  Every day was *.  I had 2 of my 3 classes with him.  I was so depressed. Everyone knew something had happened because we were like the 2 most charismatic people in the classroom.  he played it off like everything was fine, always ignored me, and I showed my sadness in class. I had enough. Couldn't take my pain anymore.

This was all my mistake for jumping in too fast.  But now I have another semester coming up and I am really scared to see him.  We were friends with all the same people, and I just feel like I don't belong anymore, like in the community...

Maybe I will make new friends.  I don't know how to handle seeing him.  i'm really terrified to go to school.  I know where I went wrong, and I am not jumping into anything with anyone too quickly...like ever again after that, but I really want to be able to focus in school and do good. I really pride myself on getting straight A's ever since I have been away from my family, and having good relationships with my teachers.  I love school, but i feel left out of the whole community of people that are in my department, and I view a lot of people differently now too because they were not mature enough to ask what happened, or they just didn't give a * about me.

The people that did ask, knew that it was mean of the guy to go around and start a project leaving me out to spite me. But in truth, part of him did it because he is enthusiastic about it...I see that. I don't want to hate him or wish him ill.  I just don't want to be uncomfortable at school or in the community, and I don't want to get hurt at school anymore. I just want to stay focused and if people are meant to be my friends than they will be, but I feel so broken down by the idea of going back to school. I'm on the break of crying, worrying constantly about it.

I don't even care about the project anymore at all, I just want a better approach to the upcoming semester, and I don't want to be so afraid and depressed. Please help if you can. Thanks for reading all that.  I write a lot.

K

edited to add: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum and the topic being of a specific personal nature. Feel free to start your own thread on a related topic or join a thread of a similar nature.

[Cuthberta]

First of all, a huge  ; you have been through a lot with that jerk.

Second of all, he is not normal. I think I will say that again in case it takes a while to get through; he is not normal.

I can't diagnose, but what kind of pattern do we have here?

Someone charismatic and attractive, who does not listen. Someone who behaves one way in public with hugs, but another way in private with manipulation and favouritism. Someone who takes all the credit while passing on all the blame.

That is not the behaviour of a healthy adult, I am afraid. That is unhealthy behaviour.

So what do we have? A normal person (him) and a damaged person (you)? Not really.

So, how do you approach the coming term, with all of that abuse behind you?  After all, let's call it what it really is. Working 'with' you while ignoring every word you say, every suggestion you make, every bit of creative input you offer is abuse. Abusers genuinely think that if they push someone else down they get taller. In fact they get smaller.

I would suggest going right back to basics; you write. You have creative ideas of your own, not just ones sparked off someone else. So, write. If others are mean to you, write. If others are good to you, write. If you make friends, write. If you don't, write. Don't waste your time doing what anyone could do, and clearly anyone can work with your former colleague. Spend your time doing what only you can do; that which would be left undone if you did not do it. Find out what that is, and focus on that, and study at the same time.

There will be something to say, something to do and something to write or create if you focus on your own creativity and where it leads you. Everything else is secondary to that.

And for your first creative project of all; acting. Practice acting like none of what happened bothers you any more; put it behind you and if anyone asks say, that was ages ago. Act your usual charismatic, cheerful, resilient self and follow your own path. Who would want to be in a project with such a jerk, anyway? He is certain to get all the billing, while everyone else is relegated to bit parts. Even if you end up going home every evening and crying, don't let him have the satisfaction of knowing you even remember. Act for an Oscar!

When you see him again, act your heart out. Choose a script and stick to it; perhaps one day act as if he is your butler, and you are the Lady of the manor. Imagine him standing in a butler's outfit, and take no notice of him unless you want to ask him to make you some tea. Act that part, or any other you prefer; perhaps change the script every few days to make it more fun. As long as nobody gets hurt you can be whoever you want to be.

In the play which is your life it is not good enough to be a bit part any more; choose your own part.

I wish you well.

[KayFly]

Cuthbertaa!! 

I'm smiling yet very touched by your wisdom and hilarious approach to this. You are absolutely right. Haha. This is an opportunity to act, which I'm good at, but this is really brilliant and simple. I will always write. I know I don't need the jerk. But I was almost in panic about going back to school last night. Thank you again. What wise advise, to use the tools I have/need practice with to show him he's not a significant roll in my movie. This will continue to make me smile. I really appreciate your input. You are great.

K

[woodsgnome]

Cuthberta's suggestion to focus and follow your own star resembles what I did, years ago. I was an actor but not in an academic setting. Too convoluted to explain the details, but basically I ended up with a solo project and developed a one-person approach--an act that no one else was doing and that few could duplicate, as it involved some specialized knowledge, too. It was hugely creative and popular, although I have to add that it's solo characteristics were an obvious reflection of my "freeze" cptsd type (I wasn't cognizant of that per se; just aware that I was the most comfortable by myself).

It registered quickly as to why I felt I had to go solo, and it's exactly as you said:  "...I had been reminded of that helpless little girl who never got to say no, who never felt safe speaking her mind. I guess I was in an emotional flashback". Same here.

That didn't stop me from wanting to reach out, but I got burned badly by some people, like you did. In retrospect, I perhaps didn't handle it well, but I was still in a short-term survival mentality. Plus, I had my unique solo gig as fallback, and it worked so it became my pattern. This worked in my professional life but my personal/interpersonal relationships truly sucked. You seem to have some resiliency I lacked, though. And determination to make it work, and follow your muse where it takes you, even if it takes a few teardrops to get there. That's worthy of acknowledgement and  .

Interestingly, I had friends all around, but none that were truly close. I just never let them in, for all the old painful reasons that brings so many to this site as well. Still, I mention a bit of my past just to let you know that a more individualist take, as Cuthberta suggests, might be your best recourse now.

YOUR creativity appears strong, YOU have YOUR strengths to draw on, some of them honed in part by the rough edges of last year's setbacks. As you said, "So this sent me into a major emotional flashback of being isolated and left out of a community of people that I kind of considered a tribe..." Remember, that you also have another tribe of friends here now, that do relate to where you're coming from and what you've endured to get you here. We may be anonymous figures seen only via words on a screen, but we're here.

You also wrote, "I view a lot of people differently now too because they were not mature enough to ask what happened, or they just didn't give a s*** about me." You seem mature enough to know, now, that for a host of reasons your inner guidance has gotten you through a lot so far. I concur with what Cuthberta said so beautifully: "...In turn, spend your time doing what only you can do; that which would be left undone if you did not do it. Find out what that is, and focus on that, and study at the same time."

So don't give up on relationships; seeing some of the old crowd might tweak some rawness, but you ended your post by setting your bar where you want and need it to be, when you said: "I just want to stay focused and if people are meant to be my friends than they will be." Agreed.  . Have a great semester.

     



   

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome, I understand your one man approach. I feel like I have been doing something similar my whole life to protect myself. I have always had to act as like a survival trait, which is one of the reasons I decided to make it my major. I'm already good at it...plus its a way to connect with others, and if I can make money by going to school, great, because I can hardly keep a job for more than a week.

Thank you for your encouragement and acknowledging my resilience.  I don't seem to recognize it as you do, but maybe I need to give myself a pat on the back for that. And thank you for sharing your experience.

It really just makes me feel stronger and more comforted knowing that you guys stand behind me and can evaluate and understand this situation from such deep and wise perspectives, because you actually know where I am coming from. It really brings tears to my eyes.  I feel like I am always wondering about, not feeling heard or understood by anyone.  It makes me feel empowered to know such emotionally aware people, and also it makes me feel not alone.

I also know Woodsgnome, what you mean by having friends all around that you hadn't really allowed in. I feel like that is how it is everywhere I go, and its always changing. I never have like one crew that I stick with. Things seem to fall apart quickly anytime I get to know anyone. I don't want to become cynical but I guess I am a little frustrated at how lonely this path can be.

I won't give up on relationships, following my dreams, or getting help with any of these things.  I won't let some * get in the way of my studies, or my peace of mind. I'm tired of him ruining my days.  I will find the guidance and friendships that are meant to come into my life, the meaningful relationships that I deserve. And I really appreciate you guys, and feel like you are part of that.     Thank you

K

[Cuthberta]

Cuthbertaa!! 

I'm smiling yet very touched by your wisdom and hilarious approach to this. You are absolutely right. Haha. This is an opportunity to act, which I'm good at, but this is really brilliant and simple. I will always write. I know I don't need the jerk. But I was almost in panic about going back to school last night. Thank you again. What wise advise, to use the tools I have/need practice with to show him he's not a significant roll in my movie. This will continue to make me smile. I really appreciate your input. You are great.

K

No problem; I am always happy to help. The main difference between abusers and us is that we can survive without them. 

Prepare some scripts in advance. If it all comes crashing down a time or two remember that happens in all the best plays; just carry on to Acts 2 and 3.

I always tell my daughter to aim high;no point dreaming small when dreaming big is just as easy. Create a 5 year plan, and aim high!

[Lifecrafting]

quote
I won't give up on relationships, following my dreams, or getting help with any of these things.  I won't let some a****** get in the way of my studies, or my peace of mind. I'm tired of him ruining my days.  I will find the guidance and friendships that are meant to come into my life, the meaningful relationships that I deserve. And I really appreciate you guys, and feel like you are part of that.     Thank you quote

That's it, right there! Love you, honor yourself and enjoy your life.

[KayFly]

  Thank you.

[Dutch Uncle]

Cuthberta gave such an awesome reply... I'm at a loss for words.

All the best for the next semester, KayFly 

[KayFly]

I seriously have thought everyday about what Cuthberta said and have been developing a script and a plan for how I am going to act this out. I even talked to my acting teacher about it (who I am close with and knows what happened)

Today I checked in on my Facebook which is mostly deactivated, but I check in occasionally and activate it to check on certain family members/friends.  I saw on my Film Teacher's Facebook wall, that there was some big film they travelled to Indiana (from here in California) to film, and the guy, that I was talking about, did the film's preview. He was the star.

Oh god this sent me for a loop. I cried and cried, and said I wasn't going to go back to school.  I started trying to rationalize that school wasn't a safe place if he were going to be there, and I just lost it. 

I'm starting to recognize emotional flashbacks, and I often am having flashbacks to feeling left out of my family. Ganged up on and such. So part of this hysteria is emotional flashback.

I called up my friend (the editor), who has also suffered a lot of trauma, is very emotionally aware, and wanted to warn me not to get into this project with the guy in the first place, but he didn't feel it was his place.  Anyway, he's always been my friend that validated everything for me, told me I  was not crazy and such (though he is able to work with the guy who was hurtful to me for some reason)

So anyway, I lost it. But my friend said that the guy wasn't doing THAT film that he was in a preview for, the whole movie he wrote was executed (the one that he isolated me from and asked everyone to audition for), but I guess its a terrible movie...and my friend knows, because he and I are both very good writers, and aware human beings.

I guess the reason the hurtful guy didn't do this other film was for, "family problems". I'm glad he took a break. He needs to look at some stuff for sure, but its not my problem anymore.  All I know is, i am in a ton of pain, and he made that pain a lot worse by crossing paths with me, and all the best to him, but I am moving on and NO ONE is stopping me from going to school and finishing my degree.

And now I have a new philosophy and approach that benefit and protect me in case I do run into the *. And I atleast have one or 2 people that understand where I am coming from in the community.

Anyway I have been crying for hours today from this.  I am excited for more healing to occur in my life and to continue moving on and leaving things behind me.

Thanks for all of your support you guys.

[Cuthberta]

I seriously have thought everyday about what Cuthberta said and have been developing a script and a plan for how I am going to act this out. I even talked to my acting teacher about it (who I am close with and knows what happened)

Today I checked in on my Facebook which is mostly deactivated, but I check in occasionally and activate it to check on certain family members/friends.  I saw on my Film Teacher's Facebook wall, that there was some big film they travelled to Indiana (from here in California) to film, and the guy, that I was talking about, did the film's preview. He was the star.

Oh god this sent me for a loop. I cried and cried, and said I wasn't going to go back to school.  I started trying to rationalize that school wasn't a safe place if he were going to be there, and I just lost it. 

I'm starting to recognize emotional flashbacks, and I often am having flashbacks to feeling left out of my family. Ganged up on and such. So part of this hysteria is emotional flashback.

I called up my friend (the editor), who has also suffered a lot of trauma, is very emotionally aware, and wanted to warn me not to get into this project with the guy in the first place, but he didn't feel it was his place.  Anyway, he's always been my friend that validated everything for me, told me I  was not crazy and such (though he is able to work with the guy who was hurtful to me for some reason)

So anyway, I lost it. But my friend said that the guy wasn't doing THAT film that he was in a preview for, the whole movie he wrote was executed (the one that he isolated me from and asked everyone to audition for), but I guess its a terrible movie...and my friend knows, because he and I are both very good writers, and aware human beings.

I guess the reason the hurtful guy didn't do this other film was for, "family problems". I'm glad he took a break. He needs to look at some stuff for sure, but its not my problem anymore.  All I know is, i am in a ton of pain, and he made that pain a lot worse by crossing paths with me, and all the best to him, but I am moving on and NO ONE is stopping me from going to school and finishing my degree.

And now I have a new philosophy and approach that benefit and protect me in case I do run into the a******. And I atleast have one or 2 people that understand where I am coming from in the community.

Anyway I have been crying for hours today from this.  I am excited for more healing to occur in my life and to continue moving on and leaving things behind me.

Thanks for all of your support you guys.

I am sorry for all that sorrow, but it is much better expressed than denied. Well done for being honest about your own feelings; that is very positive.

And now that it is a new day, stay strong; remember every single plot, every film script? Act one; everything falls apart for our heroine and she thinks the sky is falling in. She falls to bits for a while, but we all know that act 2 (misunderstandings everywhere|) and then act 3 (success!!!!) are on the way.

We cannot compare ourselves with anyone else, whoever they are. There will always be someone who will be more successful than we are, as well as people who are not. The former will need you not to change towards them if you are your friends. The latter will need you to be kind and encouraging, whether with homework or anything else. That will gain you more genuine friendship than winning parts, or even being in film previews. If you have a choice of people to work with, look for those who do not immediately appear charismatic, or who are usually not chosen first; there will be hidden gems there, and you may well find them if you look a little deeper.

Your former colleague has not made it; he has not achieved stardom. If you told us his name here we would all of us say, 'Nope, never heard of him, but we have heard of KayFly.' If you could imagine coming here with his name and everyone responding with requests for his autograph, then he has made it. But even then, he is not in competition with you; you are only in competition with you of yesterday and the day before. You don't need to worry about what anyone else does; they are not on your path, they are not in competition with you. They are on their own path.

So, crying out of the way in private, as it should be; head up, be proud of who you are; be proud of your integrity. Channel Lady Catherine de Burgh, and carry on towards your own future. Nobody else can ever take your place, because you own it entirely/

And about that autograph ... might as well ask you now rather than when you get swamped with requests.

[KayFly]

Haha. Thanks Cuthbera