Avoidance

[Annegirl]

I have been invited to 2 family events next year. My father hasn't met 2 of our children and i haven't  been "home" for 8 years. My father has been offered tickets to fly and visit us but he has refused. I tried to come and visit him with the children when he almost died last year but my mother refused my visit. Now thanks to my T I have contacted my family to bring peace and closure and my father saw the children via Skype. Now 2 of my brothers have planned weddings for next year and invited us begging me to come. I have more peace in not going but then i feel guilty too. What shall I do?, I don't want to go back to that house where i was abused and according to my mother "It was lovely how much i helped around the house" (it didn't even enter her head that I was beaten by her every day she was home and stabbed with a knife in arm etc etc) Even my friend messaged me the other day and said she thought it was bad i was never allowed out to play but always had to be home helping my mother.

[Dyess]

Is there anyway you can go and not be around that house? Anyway to meet the parents on a common ground, not at the house? Only you can really answer these questions. I'm sure your anxiety is going to be out the roof until these dates come. I have found the anxiety before any event is way worse than the event itself. Once I'm at an event I do have control on what happens and what I choose to participate in and you have that control also. So if the situation gets too uncomfortable just leave it, or change the dynamics by moving somewhere else and getting involved in something away from the problem. Do your brothers know about your feelings?

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Annegirl, tough spot you are in.

A few things you said stand out to me:

I have more peace in not going [and]
I don't want to go back to that house where i was abused

Those are pretty firm and confident statements.
But I understand very well those only make for a complex decision regarding the wedding of your brothers.

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. Don't feel obliged to answer them.
How do you feel about meeting your brothers? How has your contact with them been? Do you look forward to the weddings in themselves, but is the prospect of meeting your parents the issue, or are there separate issues regarding one or both your brothers as well?
On a somewhat separate note: when do you yourself feel you 'need' to make a decision on the matter? You write they will merry next year. That's still a long time ahead. Is it possible to say now: "Thanks for the invitation, I'm considering it, but I can't make a decision now, I'll tell you one month before the actual date." Or something in such vein?
That could buy you time, and in that time you can wait and see how things progress.
I don't think it's necesarry to explain why you can't decide now. I'm pretty sure some friends and family will say/have said": "I'll have to see.", especially if they live far away and air-travel is needed to get there (which will probably require some short holiday/stay as well).

[...] Now thanks to my T I have contacted my family to bring peace and closure and my father saw the children via Skype.

Am I correct in saying that you've had a strained relationship with both your parents and just embarked on a journey to try and bring peace and closure to it? But have no idea if and how this will work out as you only recently re-established a little contact with them?
I can fully understand you do not want to make commitments for events next year, before you've had a glimpse of where that road will take you.

Last but not least I want to second all that Trace wrote.


Keep us posted, if you like to do so.

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much Dutch Uncle and Trace,
I appreciate both your insights a lot. Dutch Uncle your questions really made me think and brought a bit more light to me on this matter.

Hi Annegirl, tough spot you are in.

How do you feel about meeting your brothers? How has your contact with them been? Do you look forward to the weddings in themselves, but is the prospect of meeting your parents the issue, or are there separate issues regarding one or both your brothers as well?
On a somewhat separate note: when do you yourself feel you 'need' to make a decision on the matter? You write they will merry next year. That's still a long time ahead. Is it possible to say now: "Thanks for the invitation, I'm considering it, but I can't make a decision now, I'll tell you one month before the actual date." Or something in such vein?

Am I correct in saying that you've had a strained relationship with both your parents and just embarked on a journey to try and bring peace and closure to it? But have no idea if and how this will work out as you only recently re-established a little contact with them?

Maybe I'm making it more complicated but these questions are valid and these answers are what are in my mind stopping my relationship to be better than it is.

To be honest i feel nervous about meeting my twin brother. We haven't seen each other for 6 years and he lives in UK I live in Australia, he is having his wedding in June in New Zealand. Last time i saw him i had just miscarried a late and complicated miscarriage and had spent time in hospital due to needing blood transfusions, I and my children weren't quite ourselves because of all that had happened but i and they enjoyed his visit with his fiancee so much but i didn't realize he found my children too noisy and told my parents he hadn't enjoyed his visit with me. Even though they stayed in a hotel, which i was also hurt by but didn't tell him. I was upset by what he told my parents and even though he spent 6 months in NZ last year he didn't come to visit us in Australia. Since those times we have smoothed things over and ring each other about twice a year

With my youngest brother his wedding is also in NZ but in November and i feel more obliged to be there as i pretty much was a substitute mother for him from when he was 2-12 yrs old. He has begged me the most to be there and i have already told him "I'll see". He is the closest to me and rings me 2-3 times a week and tells me sometimes how much i helped him as a child, walked him to and from school etc cooked for family put him to bed with story, songs. He is very close to his fiancees family now and they are a supportive and close family. To be honest i am not looking forward to either wedding right now.

I don't feel obliged to tell them yet but if we go we need to start organizing passports citizenship and money.

you are right Dutch uncle (my parents are dutch by the way in saying that we have a strained relationship s I'm most nervous about seeing them. They never approved of my own marriage and i payed for the whole thing. My father never wanted to hold my son and my mother didntnt let me in their house so that was the main reason we left. For me its stress playing on my mind i want to make a decision so i can drop it and not think about it anymore. I also am still angry at them.

I don't want to go but i feel i should thats the predicament.

[Dutch Uncle]

A quick reply, before I run off to do something else:

June and November next year. Pleeenty of time  . No need to rush anything. You can sleep on it. 

And you might be seeing your 'son' (=youngest brother) walking 'down the isle'. W00t! I can imagine some 'closure' is involved there as well. I'm glad to hear you have a good and satisfying contact with him. 

I'll reply some more (probably) some time down the road.

Best wishes,
Dutch Uncle.

[Annegirl]

Thank you, i am writing more in that reply but my computer is playing up

[Dutch Uncle]

you are right Dutch uncle (my parents are dutch by the way in saying that we have a strained relationship s I'm most nervous about seeing them.

So are mine  . And my relationship with them is also strained  .

To be honest i feel nervous about meeting my twin brother. We haven't seen each other for 6 years and he lives in UK I live in Australia, he is having his wedding in June in New Zealand. Last time i saw him i had just miscarried a late and complicated miscarriage and had spent time in hospital due to needing blood transfusions, I and my children weren't quite ourselves because of all that had happened but i and they enjoyed his visit with his fiancee so much but i didn't realize he found my children too noisy and told my parents he hadn't enjoyed his visit with me. Even though they stayed in a hotel, which i was also hurt by but didn't tell him. I was upset by what he told my parents and even though he spent 6 months in NZ last year he didn't come to visit us in Australia. Since those times we have smoothed things over and ring each other about twice a year

First: my condolences on your miscarriage  .

While reading your story on your twin-brother's last visit I couldn't help thinking: It's your parents who told you he hadn't enjoyed his visit. While you were (and probably still are) under the impression things were fine. And despite all the hard circumstances, you enjoyed your time with him and his fiancé, and so did your kids.
I've come to learn (through hardship) that peoples narratives on what third parties said to them are quite often not exactly what had been said to them. What's more, I sometimes completely misunderstand what somebody is telling me face to face!
I will not try to whitewash anything he might have said to your parents or not. As you wrote you have talked things over and smoothed it out. So you're better in the know on that than me. 

So I gather it largely boils down to your obnoxious Dutch parents (no offense intended  ), and the very house you were abused in. I assume that's in NZ as well, making it all very close, triggering and intimidating.
What a tough spot indeed.

if we go we need to start organizing passports citizenship and money.

Yep.
I'm probably jumping the gun here, but I wouldn't mention any money issues to your FOO for quite some time to come. They might offer to contribute financially, which possibly would make it even harder for you to turn down the invitation on other valid grounds.
I haven't got a clue how much time the citizenship and passport thing would take. Is it so that you would have to start applying now if you were to make it to the June wedding? Or are there many months left without any administrative pressure? Speaking of citizenship: does this 'event' mean your kids have to decide on wether they want Aussie or NZ citizenship? (I guess Dutch is out of the question  ) If so, I understand very well that's another complicating factor. Big decision to make, I'd say.
(BTW, in your previous post you mentioned you might be making it more complex. I don't think so. It is quite complex! )

I really hope there's some time to unravel all this, and that there is ample time to take it step by step.
And you're welcome to share on the bumpy road ahead.

Take care!

[Annegirl]

  Thank you Dutch Uncle for your support, wise words and thought provoking questions.
And you are right there are still a couple of months without administrative pressure.
In my mind i want to make a decision now for peace of mind and I've pretty much made up my mind now 90% that we won't go.
But I will also probably talk to my T about it closer to the time.

[Dutch Uncle]

I've pretty much made up my mind now 90% that we won't go.

I trust that gives 90% peace of mind as well.
I hope and wish so!

[Annegirl]

Yes Thank you

[Kizzie]

Hi Anne - FWIW I think it's wonderful that you are honouring your feelings about not wanting to endure a trip because of guilt    It sounds like you are putting yourself first and that looks like great self-care and recovery to me 

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much for that Kizzie.
I really value your support in this decision and it helps that you can see sense in it. Guilt shouldn't be a reason for going right?

[Salsera]

i just read this thread for the first time. I'm happy to hear that you are 90% not going.

I went, saw, and spent time with, way too many people, things and times, that I now wish I never went to. I went because it was the right thing to do. When, really, the right thing to do would have been to do what I really and truly wanted to do, which was to Not go, not see those people, stay away, and protect myself. By staying away all of those times I would have avoided so much abuse.

My point is - do what you think is the best thing for you to do. Do what you want to do. Don't pay attention to what anyone says about your decision.You will fee best about your decision if it is YOUR decision, with no pressure from anyone else.

[Cocobird]

You need to protect yourself and your feelings. Probably better not to go.

My mother was only abusive when we were alone -- and this was after I was an adult. I finally made sure that someone else was with me whenever I saw her.

[Annegirl]

  Good for you Cocobird. I know what you are talking about and you made a right decision to never be with her alone. We are not going but I still feel a little guilty about it. But I heard a guy who had a Phd say in a lecture that as soon as you have to write out pros and cons about a decision it means its the wrong decision.