Confidentiality

[woodsgnome]

Like many here, I've a hard time with trust as it is. So when I find it's violated, it sets me back a bit. And yes, I'm pretty sensitive, but I'm aware of that. There just are certain things that can't be sugar-coated, IMO.

I've a friend who also runs a remote lodge—not exactly a programmed retreat center, just a unique place that gets rented for outings, meetings, conferences, etc. Some of the groups he has hosted has included therapists.

The gist of what he said is just that one wouldn't believe, or want to, the attitude found amongst some (emphasize some) therapists. Mainly how loose he's heard them be while discussing, or dissing in some cases, their own clients, even naming names and throwing  around other supposed confidential information with their colleagues and worse, with my entirely neutral friend—who, I must add, was completely confident with me other than sharing it as an example of behavior that shocked him. He never used names, he kept his own sharing more confidential than the so-called professional T's had.

Alas, I had a personal experience of this at a retreat I attended, with my then-T and several other clients I'd never met before. One person had experienced some cathartic moments. Later, the T related, in the client's absence, that it was because he had such-and-such going on in his life, then gave details no one needed to know, and casually shared out of context tidbits, treating it as if it were just backyard gossip. In retrospect, I regret not calling the T out on that; it was blatant. I don't think I was the only one left wondering—discussing symptoms is one thing, but when the person is named and not even far away...I mean...

Shortly after, I left that T. Revealingly, the T went ballistic in a phone call to me, telling me  about my attitude and how I still needed a "de-briefing" session or something. When I asked if that was just an excuse to grab another $150/session fee...she finally got the message. And while typing this, I suddenly recalled another T who didn't know he'd left the door slightly ajar one day. He was on the phone, apparently, as I heard him laughingly discuss the next "oddball" (me) waiting in his office.

Okay...yes, I have had experience with decent T's. The above incidents might indeed be isolated. I know and trust several of you who have appreciated the interactions with your own T's. And I read some excellent on-line material from several T's, e.g. Pete Walker, so I know this isn't a universal problem, but one that still merits acknowledgment.

Granted, being a T has to be rough at times—no need to project perfectionism on the whole lot. But one would hope that confidentiality would come in as rule #1.   

[DaisyMae]

HI Woodsgnome,

Wow, that is really disheartening.  Like you, I do not trust easily as well and am skeptical most of the time.  While I know my T is a good person, I still can't help thinking that I have not judged him correctly and that he secretly talks awful about me behind my back and really doesn't like me.  But, he has helped me in so many ways and the scary thing is that he is the one person that I trust the most right now.  I was fortunate (I think) with the first T that I went to see.  But, I do not trust my own judgment because I have not done well in the past determining who I can trust, who will not intentionally hurt me.  Started with my family, but I had no choice there.  But, never picked well as far as boyfriends and not the person I married either.  I also misjudged a couple of bosses that I worked for or with that I should have never trusted or seen them as mentors.  So the mistrust of my own judgment is what is holding me back from believing my T is as caring and concerned about me and not just in to collect his money. 

T's like the ones that you have described below should not be in the field of behavioral medicine and therapy.  They are immature and irresponsible, and have no empathy for their client.  They do not know how to mentor people and truly work with them to learn and grow because they truly believe that their patients are not capable.  I hope you have a good T now and are getting the support and respect that you deserve.    All the best to you and hope you are doing well.

Sincerely,
DaisyMae

[Dutch Uncle]

Wow. A thought provoking/triggering/EF post.
Thanks. I'll share some of my experiences, later.

For now:

Granted, being a T has to be rough at times—no need to project perfectionism on the whole lot. But one would hope that confidentiality would come in as rule #1.   

Yeah, they would need to offload at times, I figure. But they should offload 'confidentially', not in the ways you describe. Arrange a vey closed 'get-together'/group therapy for themselves. On a yearly basis or something.
What you had to overhear on the "oddball" is beyond words, it's disgusting and harmful IMHO. Even if it was about somebody other than you. 
Dare I say: Red Flag! ?
Good riddance on those two T's.

[Cuthberta]

Yes, confidentiality is non negotiable. Any sign that this is compromised, and that is a sign to find another therapist.

I have a friend who is a Minister, and he had another person working with him with a view to becoming a Minister himself. This other person was in church one day, counselling a lady. He came back into the house where I was sitting watching telly, and he told me what this lady had said; I can't repeat it even here but he told me many details of their conversation; what she had told him, what he said to her, what she replied. I didn't encourage him; I just listened while he talked. It was highly personal stuff.

I told the Minister; not to be nasty but because the poor lady deserved better. I assume he had a quiet word.

(My friend used to confide in me at times, but he had known me for years. This second person followed suit, but he didn't know me; I could have been anyone as far as he knew.)

[Dutch Uncle]

Confidentiality with T's is an issue for me.
And that is because my (uHPD)mom is a T. AFAIK she started out as a professionally schooled one (Gestalt-therapy) but has drifted towards Guru-inspired therapies. (mostly as a form of narcissistic supply I guess, she gets to feel good by all the crap she's learned, and the rest must 'follow her'. But I'm drifting off.)

The really tricky part is that she has treated me more as a T during my life than a mother. To my detriment.

When I went to get a check on whether or not I had a PD/anxiety disorder I finally blurted out to one member of the team (he was the 'internal' second opinion): "I sometimes think it's my mother who has installed the thought in me that I'm 'weird' and a 'no-good'. HO! STOP! I'm going to rephrase that..." I continued immediately, "I am SURE my mother has installed this in me!", I 'bettered' myself, in a sudden act of awareness I was being overly cautious in my suspicions.
Now THAT was a major breakthrough for me. THAT was a 'therapeutic moment'. 
I had a relapse within minutes though when he suggested we'd do a SCID-II test. "Now THAT brings a lot of anxiety! No way!" (HELP!)
"OK, than we won't do that", he said.

But we were, thank heavens.
They played it very well, I think. They had a team meeting in between my next appointment with my 'main'-contact (standard procedure), and she calmly suggested this option again. In the week(s?) in between I had lost my anxiety, mostly due to my own honesty towards myself when I had assertively BLURTED OUT what had been a secret conviction for many decades, so I embraced their proposition for the SCID-II.

When after a long wait the results were presented to me, a resounding: no way you have a PD/anxiety disorder, I felt relieved on the one hand, but anger, resentment, yes even anxiety that this could mean I had always been right and my T-mother had really dealt me a bad hand, and had kept doing so time and again.

And I remember well that both during the session about the results as well as in the session with the 'second opinionator', I felt a very deep anxious emotion: "How dare you bring up this subject to them. What if they now start to feel insecure about how they might combine their T-skills in their relationships with their spouses and kids?" My psych was sitting there being very visibly pregnant... [I shudder at the memory even when I write this] "You're a Monster, Dutch Boy! How dare you!" I said to myself my inner critic yelled at me. I managed to ignore him (or was that mom?) and focus on my T, who actually was pretty relaxed about it, and I even laughed in relief on some remarks she made about it. Come to think of it, she even said: "We have quite a few people (=patients) here who struggle with their T-parents". Which was a clear signal for me: You are not alone, Uncle. This is to be expected.

So yeah, confidentiality is going to be an issue for me.
For I am sure that whatever therapy I will embark on, my T-mother with (presumably) Münchhausen-by-proxy tendencies must be a major area of focus...

Now I feel 'Bleh'.
I clearly haven't shaken off all anxiety yet that this enmeshment with mother & T has created.

But I feel good to have blurted this out here.
It's a good reminder of what I'll be doing in the future with a T.
A good and solid answer for when they'll ask: "What are you here for, Mr. Uncle?"

So I'll end with a resounding "Thank you for this thread, woodsgnome".