Depression

[KayFly]

Hey

I'm new here, and have made some honest posts and have gotten some really great feedback. There are some people on here who I really admire.  In real life, I isolate, like many of us probably do, and have been alone all summer, other than when my boyfriend comes home.

The bright side of this, is I have had time to rest, recover, read, and work on health stuff. And I kind of feel like I have needed some alone time after a long life of being feeling invaded. I am grateful for these things.

But I am depressed.  I feel like I am not an asset here. I just deleted as many posts as I could, without making someone look crazy for responding to a person that's not in the thread. I wish I could take back everything I said.  I just don't feel like I am in a place to be helping anyone at all. I feel like I need more recovery time, and grieving time before I authentically feel like I can help someone. Maybe I am just rejecting support or being open. I don't know but I am in a lot of pain, and its all confusing. I feel like because this all seems negative, I shouldn't even be saying it.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and I just feel like anytime I get close to people, they end up gone. So whats the point? I'm going back and forth about just taking a break from the site.  But that makes me feel sad because it seems like people here understand what I am going through more than anywhere else. 

I can't handle how much pain I am in. Its the morning and I took enough anxiety medicine to sleep through hopefully half of the day. This feels like some kind of relapse where i use sleep as a way out of all this. But i don't care. No one is here to stop me. No one is going to go out of their way to make sure I am okay.  I divorced my family and they haven't even attempted to know where I am. I feel like no one cares about me.  And I know that's not true, but its the only thing that seems to go through my head lately.

I'm really depressed. Sorry if this is asking for too much attention.

[C.]

Hello KayFly, 

I am very sorry that you feel so incredibly sad.  It seems to be one of the terrible symptoms for many of us w/CPTSD and who've experienced any form of trauma.  Whether you keep participating or not is entirely up to you.  And I trust that you'll do whatever you need to do at this point in time.  I am heartened to see that you've reached out here in a time of difficulty.  That takes strength and courage.  To reach out and to state how you feel authentically.  I also want you to know that I've read your posts and that you have contributed in a meaningful and positive way.  I hope that how you're feeling at this moment doesn't stop you from ever participating again.  You have value, important, kindness, sensitivity and many other qualities.  I know that a forum isn't the same as support in real life, but it's also much more than nothing.  As you mentioned earlier you have found some solace and support here.  I'm not sure how much of Pete Walker's book you've read, but in it he talks about how some people need to rely on written or computer support because of how painful social interactions can be.  And that's ok too.

Personally through my recovery I noticed that I had a period of about a year where I withdrew quite a bit from people.  I spoke w/my counselor about it and heard that it was a normal part of my process.  In my case I needed to simply "stop" so that I could observe and decide about social contacts.  Because up until that point in time many of them had been people who were less healthy, selfish w/me, didn't respect my boundaries.  But, I was already connected somehow so it was hard to see and understand.  I've come to see that period in my life as a time of pushing a "reset" button.  A start over of sorts.  It did get lonely, isolating, I got more depressed and needed more help with the depression.  But as I'm coming out of the depression and recovering I feel like I can now see things more clearly in real life.  In fact, that's one reason why I've been less active here.  I'm re-entering social situations with better clarity so it's much more pleasant now.  In spite of my CPTSD I'm a pretty social person however, so that's my path.  I offer some insights on my own experience simply as another person with this difficult illness and hopefully to help you feel some hope in spite of this difficulty. 

Whatever you decide through your current process and path I hope that you start to feel better and learn to know your value.  I hear such kindness and empathy in your words, I hope that you can use that with yourself.  You deserve it.

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear KayFly 

Depression sucks. It really does.
I've never been clinically diagnosed as such, but I can relate.
Wanting to sleep all day. Not wanting to get up.
Entertaining myself with funny video's/TV. Feeling uplifted during that, but as soon as I switch of the TV/PC I feel as lousy as right before...

I feel like I am not an asset here. I just deleted as many posts as I could, without making someone look crazy for responding to a person that's not in the thread. I wish I could take back everything I said.  I just don't feel like I am in a place to be helping anyone at all.

Oh please don't. I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with you. Your posts. Things we've shared. I would have definitely not shared so much if it hadn't been for your replies.

I've read some posts and threads of you I didn't reply to.
That was not because they were not interesting or valuable or whatever.
I've seen you take down posts, and I've seen you write about that elsewhere.

I've regretted seeing that, but I respected your choice. And I still do. It's OK to do that.
I'd rather see your posts stay here. They are good.

If it helps you in any way: I'm scared shitless about the posts I drop here, too.
(And that's true even if it doesn't help you  )

I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and I just feel like anytime I get close to people, they end up gone. So whats the point? I'm going back and forth about just taking a break from the site.  But that makes me feel sad because it seems like people here understand what I am going through more than anywhere else.

Strange that, huh? I still struggle to wrap my head around that too. 

I can't handle how much pain I am in.
[...]
Sorry if this is asking for too much attention.

You're not alone in your pain, dear KayFly
And you are definitely not asking for too much attention.

I'm looking forward to seeing you again.


Dutch Uncle

[KayFly]

Thank you both for your kind words, for taking the time to go read through some of my posts, and for your encouragement in this hard time.  I think that this website is a safe place, where I have received some sort of support and safety. Its good to know that it is here.

C. I have been very withdrawn from people for long periods of time over the past 8 years.  But what saddens me the most, is that I am a really social, really funny person, and I used to be happy. I used to have friends, I used to feel I belonged somewhere, I made everyone laugh all the time (some of it was pain driven), but I used to be surrounded by healthy friends too, for a short time. I also I fell into the crowd who didn't respect my boundaries and who were abusive or not good to me.  My therapist thinks its really normal that I would want to be alone right now also, and I find it a blessing that I got away from the crowd that I was around.  Now that I don't have some substance in me making me feel more apt to be social, and I am focusing on getting better, I am extremely depressed and withdrawn, more than ever and just feeling so much. I definitely don't like remembering being happy, but not being able to be now. Its hard to feel so much at once, grieving the loss of my birth family, old friends, good or bad. I just feel like I lost everyone who was in my life. It hurts and I am tired of telling the same stories. Its not going to take it away.

I'll be back in school in a few weeks and I will probably be a social butterfly, I am going to start doing group therapies,  and I think this website could be a big help while i am hurting as well.  I think I just obsess a bit too much about it, and rely too much on other people for my esteems, so yes, C, I hope also that I can take the kindness I give toward other people, and begin to give it to myself, regardless of what I do, which is unclear at this point. I might just need a break while I address some personal painful things.

I obsess a bit too much about what i am saying, feeling like I should take it back immediately on here and its driving me * insane.  I think I just need some time to collect myself, because as good as a website could be for you as far as support is concerned, it can be a bit trying for those of us who tend to obsess about writing and I am a writer. I feel like everything should be edited perfectly and * it's like I don't feel like I deserve to tell my story or share my thoughts. But I want to. But I aspire to write a movie about it. Which I will. Part of the reason I want to do that is to empower other survivors. Just not feeling very good right now. and need more of a success story before I write that script.

I really appreciate you Dutch and enjoy sharing music with you and funny videos. It does help temporarily to watch funny stuff, but its fun and makes life more enjoyable and special, and I am sorry you share the same sadness. I hope you can find some clarity and enjoyment in your life as well.  This makes me cry, but I did just successfully sleep away half the day, and I had this dream that people from this website were writing me back in videos (to this specific thread), and there was this super cute girl who like sang me a song to make me feel happier, and I wanted to start a band with her, and I was so excited and happy to hear from everyone who wrote. Its relative.  Keep sharing your posts/music Dutch.

I really appreciate your guys' time. I think I will be around, but need some introspection, self care, and maybe just being with my thoughts and working them out, or journaling them to myself.  I need to know for myself that what I write is worthwhile. I'll be back shortly.

[DaisyMae]

Hi KayFly

You are helping others here, especially me.  I hope you stick around and continue to post to express yourself and find comfort from a community that does truly care about you.  You have been very brave about posting and providing support and relating to their experiences. And what you feel is what you feel and it is okay to express it.  I have been able to open up more as a result of what you have written.  It is ok to feel jealousy at times.  It is okay to want attention some times.  Look at this way, be thankful that you actually feel.  For some of us here our abusers over a lifetime have taken that ability away from us.  We disassociate and depersonalize so that we do not experience emotions at all to avoid being hurt by anyone.  But yet have empathy, want to share to help others, and want to help others in anyway we can to escape the feelings of emptiness.

There is nothing wrong with what you write and it always comes from your heart and is honest.  I will truly miss your kindness, support, and being able to do the same for you.

DaisyMae

[woodsgnome]

I hope you're still checking here. Your contributions have been enormous so far.

While I can't improve much on what others have told you, I have the old "just my 2 cents" I'd like to add. I need to preface it by sharing that I too agonize over even trying to winnow my thoughts into words, as I tell myself no one will understand (no one ever did before, why now?), or it's not good enough (frantic re-edits 'cause I know I didn't get it right the first time), or they'll just see how stupid/foolish I really am (it's safer to throw it all back into my low self-esteem pile).

Probably everyone on this site feels the same--but have chosen to show, and share, the gift of themselves. Yet most here are likewise so used to never being heard that we fret and figure maybe we really aren't any good; it's the response we learned. It is depressingly more real for us than many, given where we've come from.

Something I read by the writer John Green struck a chord in this regard, so I'll share his words here: "Maybe others will notice how hard you worked, and maybe they won't - and if they don't notice, I know it's frustrating. But, ultimately, that doesn't change anything - because your responsibility is not to the people you're making the gift for, but to the gift itself."

That gift originates in your soul/spirit, KayFly; and as we have similar needs, it helps us, gifts us all. Which is only my painfully awkward way of conveying how much I've appreciated the gifts of your being here and hope to see you again soon.

It helps so much to see other strong spirits like yours, survivors who've been hurt but still sense there's a better life, starting now but stretching into the "thrive" part of life we deserve. Wish I could offer more than words, but here's what you need the most----

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome, that means alot coming from you. I really feel like I do belong here, I feel heard here.  Yesterday there was a moment in my depression where the better part of me got so sick of it taking over, I started screaming at it in my head and watched it shrink and feel stupid, which is precisely what it is. Stupid. Thank you all for reminding me of who I am in the midst of my.confusion and heart ache. Today is better than yesterday, so I'll be taking advantage of that. And I'll be around here too. I can't not be on here...there's not other places I feel this understood. Just maybe I will need a few days away sometimes for reflection.

Carpe Diem < I've never said that before haha..I feel so cool!! I don't even know if I spelt it right. But I'm really.excited to feel well enough to get some things done today.

Talk soon. I care about you all and look forward to connecting. Just saying.

K

[KayFly]

Okay guys I had to share this, since I was like, going back and forth, feeling afraid to be open on this site and such...

Last night I had a dream, that I was driving in my truck (which was an old bronco looking SUV in the dream). I believe it was snowy out.  I was trying to get to a destination (I think my childhood home), and there were 2 ways I could go.  I confided in some people about what way to go. One way was more complicated, and involved taking directions from people, and memorization, but it was a shorter way home.  The other way was just a straight shot, no directions needed, but it would take longer.
I felt embarrassed, but I did not have faith that I could take the more complicated, shorter route without getting lost, so I thanked the people for the directions, and I decided to take the easy, straight, long road, haha, and my Truck got stuck in the snow after the first hill.

I just was reading through Walker's book as this dream popped into my head. I like to write my dreams down and analyze them, but I couldn't actually believe how symbolic this was for my current situation.

Haha! I suppose there is no easy way out for this girl!  I think that part of me didn't want to be guided by others, be apart of a community that was better for me.  I didn't want to do what was harder for me to memorize...which to me makes a lot of sense. i feel like I am reprogramming my brain to a whole new way, and it is very difficult and complicated. I can see why I wanted to take the easier route that didn't involve instruction, guidance, or trust in what the other people told me.

But when I tried to take that easy route, it didn't turn out to be so easy. And in a literal sense, I would have needed help getting my car stuck out of the snow.  Something that is always needed when driving in the snow.  And thank God if you do find someone to help you get out of the snow when you are driving by yourself, but in a more real sense to this situation, I realized, no matter which way I want to go, I need help from other people and I think the dream kind of pointed out that it's okay to receive help here and to be part of something.

It's really beautiful in my mind.  Had to share that...Happy to be here...Thanks for reading

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for sharing that...Walker's book seems to induce dreams lately. I had one the other night after dipping into it...and sure enough, it involved getting stuck in snow! Eventually I got out, and I remembered the book again. I took it to indicate that it had helped point me in a new direction after being hopelessly stuck for many years. 

Your sharing reflects what I meant when I spoke of the gifts your insights provide for others here; and that none of this is easy or one-way in nature. Your dream jostled my memory, for instance, and reading it I'm reminded that there is help. Stories like yours helps me, and I hope others, to feel that maybe, just maybe, things can change, and maybe being here is part of the road we've all been looking for.

Meanwhile, I suspect dream analysts will be rushing out to get Walker's book, eh?.

Take care.

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome,

I just saw your dream in Boatsetsails thread. Funny how that works. My dreams often are muffled or all over the place,but lately they've been much clearer.makes being a dream analyst a little easier. Haha.

Thank you for reminding/proving to me that I provide insight here. That feels good to know. I'm glad to be an asset somewhere and to have that hope validated by those of us that see a road to a better life, like you!

Last night was nightmare all night...but luckily they serve therapeutic value lately.. like, they suck, but I see why I'm having them.

Anyway, thanks for writing. I love to hear your insights always 

[Hima]

i isolate like that also.. and sometimes use sleep as an escape..i can relate...  i have felt like such a freak.

hima

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi kayfly
I relate to what u have shared ...
That not feeling I'm enough - don't bring enough - do enough - be enough -
The thing is I am enough - more than enough
I am smart
Committed to my recovery
Wise
Depth of experience
Kind
Willing
Honest
And fundamentally a good person
My brain will tell me otherwise and inner critic ( see p walker if u need to read about inner critic

Regarding feeling alone I understand that too -
It sounds v healing that u have taken some time for your own recovery - I did that too retreated for about 2 yrs to rest and give myself some sort of a chance to catch up . But yes it can be lonely but then I learnt in that time to be there for myself more
My boundaries are somewhat better now and I seem to be gravitating towards healthier people ( although def a work in progress.
Being attracted to difficult relationships has been a feature for me esp emotionally unavailable people and it is no surprise given where I came from--
But I do not want this for me anymore and want to develop less co dependant more liberating relating . As I get to know myself and develop that self worth I feel better
Living in fear can be a big one and I'm learning where and how to take care of myself to self soothe
Having someone to support me face to face seems important - I need some physical contact with someone who 'gets it' be that a therapist a group or an individual-
I also understand the feeling so alone divorcing a family . I felt such grief and lost . I can now see that this was natural to feel this way - I feel what other way would it be ... Most people do not have to walk away from their family for ill treatment ...!
Compassion for self seems important here - finding that self that can soothe me

I get a lot from your posts
It seems what is important in our forum is that we can just share honestly how we are and what is going on - when I read a post that someone is sharing how it is for them it helps me - I get to not feel so alone and mad . I don't need advice as such as people just sharing - that then allows me to write honestly and without fear and I find it cathartic and insightful into my internal world
Thank you for being here we get to feel valued and get strength in our lives to find the right ways for us to develop into healthier people with the opportunities that we deserve to feel free from the past and release into the present

[Boatsetsailrose]

Mindfulness is my thing at the moment
There is an app called 'headspace' I highly recommend so good for meditating on - learning about body scanning - breathing and being

[KayFly]

Ahhh BoatSetSailRose

Thank you for your beautiful gift of reminding me that I am worthy, dedicated, smart, successful, beautiful, talented and brave.

I love your energy and the things you write and I feel very honored you can take from what I write here as well.

I do need to finish reading Pete Walker's book, but I am well aware of how rudely my inner critic interrupts my day sometimes.

I'm so glad you have made so much progress in your healing, and were able to be there for yourself more through your time that you took off.  My boundaries are also getting better, and I am beginning to attract more meaningful relationships and healthier people. For that I am very grateful.

It's so helpful to hear you divorced yourself from your family too. It really helps me not feel alone in that sense.  Also the fact that you did that longer ago than I did, makes me very hopeful for my future in healing.  Sometimes I don't even realize how alone I feel because I am around people all the time (lately)

It's funny you responded to this post just yesterday too, as I posted it awhile ago, but I saw it today, and I happened to go through an immense grieving period today and it led to some depression and feeling alone. I really needed to like write about this depression.

I just started back up with a full time schedule at school, and have some community service commitments since I am in Honor's Society, and I'm in Therapy, and I'm going through so much grieving. I'm just so overwhelmed and I guess I just felt like, I hadn't really sat down to journal, or cry or just understand how much pain I am in. As I am writing this, the tears are coming forward, because I'm really trying so hard to move forward in my life, but underneath these beautiful acting skills everyday at school and even at therapy sometimes, there is so much that is wounded, that I feel like no one see's

I feel like in time, this won't be so overwhelming, and I am getting better at self soothing, and shrinking my inner critic is a process, but I am lucky to have done so much gratitude work already, for that thought replacement.

I hope all is well. Thank you for reading 

[arpy1]

Boatsetsailrose, i just read your post from 14th and it's so beautiful. it helps so much to see that even tho i am so much at the beginning of trying to recover and feel so lost, someone else has gone this way before me and i can make out the footprints...

Kayfly, i know i waffle on about it but i do admire you for the way you are and for the things you share. i just can't imagine the day coming when i could re-engage the way you are doing.  i can't even contemplate it. but again, i can just make out the footprints...

so i know it must be possible, even if it feels impossible. becos i feel so sad, and bad and mad and the tiniest of steps that i have taken this week have been like climbing a mountain on my knees and now i am exhausted.