Depression

[Boatsetsailrose]

I used to sob and sob with my heart breaking -
Grieving over a lost childhood ( although now I often look at the good bits and that's a miracle .
Loss of my family
Bewilderment of 'how could this have happened to me and why me !
Loneliness like everyone else has a family and I was an alien
I felt like an orphan - I guess comparisons van be drawn

Being in the world and not connected to blood was v painful -

What I did in time was forgiveness work and moving through that child pain -
I also re connected with 2 family members and that has helped

Whilst the sadness is hard to bare I can see now it was an essential part .. Repressed emotion for me only leads to depression
I also got angry - bloody angry and would bang pillows - write and go to remote places and shout

[KayFly]

That is huge. just going through that and being so willing to face it all.

I'm very angry lately. Strangely agitated over the smallest things. I know deep down, it's that pain wanted to be expressed.

I'm glad you could reconnect with some family members in the future. I have one cousin who believed me and protected me at family events. We may rekindle that bond later.

For now I'm very devastated and anything near blood does not feel safe, but I'm very proud of myself for what I've done.

Thanks BSSRose.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Kayfly
Take care of you go gentle and go well
I stayed away from them all for some yrs I had to - and that devastation you speak of is so real and so intimate -
It's not the normal to have to cut off from our family and I know for me that added to the feeling abnormal feelings of shame and angry - why me ?
But it was me and we do and will reach a better place

Thank you yes I vowed when I left home at 17 I wouldn't stop until I found myself - it's now happening - it's been a long journey
People say 'you look so young for your age ' and I think I feel 90
Each human goes through pain - this is ours - given to us from a dysfunctional society -
Then freedom - then another journey to find who we really are - what makes us comfortable and safe and our self worth grows a little sprout and then the leaves start to form -
Your tree has begun decorate it later and now you are making sure it gets water light and shelter from those  winds
Best wishes
Quote 'I'm very proud of myself for what I have done'
Owning that is very nice to hear -
Keeping hold of it is even better

[arpy1]

just wanted to post a quickie to say has anyone got any clues how to deal with it when the depression gets so bad?  i am totally struggling with it these last weeks. have resorted to meds and allowed my GP to try for some therapy for me again, with great trepidation. i just feel so bloody alone with it but i'm sure other people must have this too.

i know it's been exacerbated by the change of meds etc. so i now have a 2nd anti-depressant added in (citalopram and a low dose of trazodone. yes i know it's a high risk combination but i am desperate enough that i am trying it anyway). all it does is numb me out to the point where i feel sedated, not nicely, and reduces the level of pain and s******l ideation that i constantly battle against. but improves my mood so little as yet that i haven't noticed a difference.  early days, though.

anyway, coping strategies that have helped anyone would be welcomed. thanx 

[Dutch Uncle]

I cannot give you any advise on this arpy1.
But I do know what you are talking about.
Though I've never been on meds, so that might be a different ball-game. But I know you are in close contact with your GP on that. 

What has helped me most in times like you are in now, has been this article: http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/permission-to-stop-beating-yourself-up.html

The most relevant phrase in that article, for me, has been:

Shared human experience. We often feel isolated as part of suffering and imagine that no one else could understand or sympathize with our pain. In truth, everyone suffers in similar ways.

Wishing you strength, endurance and self-compassion.
You've got mine.


Dutch Uncle

[steamy]

I too withdraw. I had a job where I wasn't being paid, was running low on money but felt like my life was too full of drama to share. My friends felt rejected and I lost good relationships by doing that, but i felt it necessary.

kayfly, your posts are incredibly valuable and necessary for us in our recovery.

Did you read the paper by bloom, "the grief that dares not speak its name? " I recognise that sometimes when I had been out socially that the next morning I woke up with an intense feeling of having embarrassed myself.this is what Blame calls something like social shame, that we feel that our point of view is not valid. We then regret having said anything at all. I think that might be what you are feeling.

This shame is the function of the critical parent, who is repeating what you were told as a child that you don't have an opinion and you "talk crap".

It's time we told the critic that he talks crap and he knows nothing. I have never come away from a social gathering with much of an opinion on what anybody has said. I would expect that everybody thinks the same of me.

By deleting posts or by leaving the site you are allowing your inner critic to get away with making you feel inadequate. You are not inadequate, you opinion is valuable and respected. Your experience is genuinely required to be shared with others so we can all feel like we are not alone.