Getting Dressed in the Morning

[KayFly]

Hello,

I'm curious, do any of you struggle with finding the right outfit or getting dressed in the morning?

It feels so funny to actually write that.  I'm not completely certain that my problem with this stems from one thing.  I live in a society where there is pressure to look good, I was womanized by my father who often told the women in the family we were fat, I have OCD traits from my mother...

It hasn't really been happening as much for me lately, but that's probably because I have had a little break, and haven't really had to "dress to impress" too much.

I like to look nice, have good hygiene, wear nice cloths, sometimes matching clothes (I stress with that), but I feel like dressing nice, is a good way to build self esteem. It helps you to feel good about how you look.

So, my thing, is sometimes I get up and try to pick out an outfit and sometimes try on like 10 different outfits, throw fits of like rage that my outfit is not perfect, and sometimes I end up crying.

Wearing clothing is supposed to be used to protect us from the elements.

I sometimes have these breakdowns in the morning and its just not a good way to start the day. Whats the deal with the outfits? Why can't I just pick one out? It often leads to this huge panic...

Like I said, I don't know what one source this comes from. Anyone encounter this problem? Anyone get through it? Any feedback is much appreciated.

[coda]

I have, and I so recognize this near obsessive drive to get it right -- literally get yourself right -- before you step outside. Dressing can seem like a such trivial thing but I don't think it ever is for us. If you were raised to worry (truly worry) about the impression you make on others, and you never feel totally secure about who you are inside, then your outside becomes your definition, protection, even disguise.

I grew up inculcated with the idea that appearances were all that mattered, far more than how I felt or thought. I was inspected: praised when I met approval, criticized and belittled when I didn't. Nevertheless, I liked clothes and had my own style eventually. But sometimes that deep pool of self-consciousness could well up and freeze all my innate instincts: nothing was good enough. And it all felt so important. The more I worried, the more hopeless and humiliating it became. That "rage" you describe is a key to understanding this isn't mere frustration, it's subjugation to an idea. An impossible, crippling ideal.


I've come to see cptsd as a swarm of insecurities that alight on a specific issue, which can become all-consuming, even emblematic. We work to overcome it with self-talk and practical advice (chose you outfit the night before; presentable is sufficient; don't stress because true confidence comes from within) only to see it regroup and land on some other aspect of ordinary life that starts to feel untenable. It sucks.

[Indigochild]

Hi KayFly

What an interesting topic.

I do struggle with this.
Im not sure if its just normal what I'm experiencing.
Clothes mean a lot to me. With out clothes, I feel that i wouldnt know who i was, i wouldnt feel myself.
The thing is, I dont know who i am, and if i am obsessed with being not just like a certain person, but actually *being* that person, clothes help me to feel more like I am that person, if i dress like them.
I am more picky about clothes on the weekends, when i have more time to doubt my outfit, my hair etc. during the week day having to leave at a certain time helps me to just leave as i have to.
But that doesnt always stop the anxiety. and the anxiety is especially strong when I meet these people (mother figures) that i need to emulate through how i dress amongst many other things to make me like them.
And also when triggered majorly lasting more than a day...yes, i dont feel conformable in clothes, detached from them, like they no longer fit anymore.
I think i put a lot of emphasis on how i dress, as i dont know who i am, and i know that i would feel so uncomfortable if we all had to dress the same.

Maybe it comes partly from my mother being so overly critical of not just what i wore and how it had to be perfect, comparing me to other kids in school, saying i looked a mess whilst they looked prefect and immaculate, but she also was so unhappy with my hair colour, and made me dye my eyelashes and eyebrows...and after leafing home, i felt weird not having her approval that i looked ok before i left the house, and i went around thinking that people were probably thinking things about me. I still have this, and its a feeling that i look a right state, that everyone can see how worthless i am, weather i am dressed perfect or not.

Its funny that i never dress for anyone else, not to impress, but for me to feel comfortuble in myself, yet i am not myself, and i dress to become another person.

I am very sure that all of what you described from your past and you parents will have contributed to this anxiety.
I agree that looking good but more for yourself, is one less thing to feel uncomfortuble about.

When i cant find anything, am not feeling right in the clothes i wear all the time and liked last week, i tend to shop for more in the hope it will cure this feeling, thinking its the clothes, not me that is uncomfortable.
I sometimes end up sitting on my bed in despair, and loose the will to get dressed as trying on loads of things makes yu hot and sweaty, and i feel that they day wont feel good if i dont feel good. Does that make sense to you?
Maybe you relate to this?

I am sorry that i dont know how to fix this yet. I hadn't thought about this in so much detail until your question, so its great you post, it also helps others to be aware of their issues.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this.

Trigger Warning.....

Oh i have to add, my mother was neglectful and i remember a snap shot of me getting dressed as a child, really struggling and i would cry silently and get angry with the clothes, because i struggled to put them on. I must of been very young as i was struggling to put on underwear and socks. I was in trouble because she said i was taking too long so maybe that was why.
Maybe you experienced something similar.
Those angry feelings come up now when i cant do something, or am struggling.

It may be control we are looking for in clothes. It is panicky when you feel not right and cant find anything you feel right in.
My mum who is undiagnosed Npd, once said, dont you ever have days where you just dont feel right in whatever you put on...so i guess childhood problems can lead to this...maybe its just yet another symptom.

And Yes, like Coda, it is near obsessive, days when I'm anxious about leaving the house, this dress anxiety is worse.
What will others think was a fraise used by mother.

Coda, when you said about how clohtes are a protection, a disguise, my T said yesterday that maybe thats what my need to dress like the person i wish would be my mother is.

It is an impossible, crippling idea. I just always think there *is* something wrong with me, so that my mother was right to pick at me endlessly. It feels like something about me, inside, by also my appliance that everyone can see is wrong and flawed, but they never say anything about.

Thats interesting how you talk about cptsd. Makes sense. You think you understand something, only to find you have replaced it with something else, or that it has not gone away. We use one issue to control a number of insecurities.

I am of course sorry that you struggle too.
Thanks for the input 

[Indigochild]

Error,  by also my appliance that everyone can see is wrong and flawed
meant:
but also my appearance ...

[coda]

Ah yes Indigo, those almost indescribable, incredibly destructive "motherly" confidences that still echo. All because she had to right and we weren't allowed to be "wrong", even in our tastes. We were the screens she projected onto. Please her (often dated, often highly questionable) tastes and there was peace. Go your own way (even in the most trivial way), feel good in your own skin, perhaps get a compliment and then have her assure you others were only being polite, or felt sorry for you, or were secretly laughing behind your back. And all because they didn't care, or delighted in your failures. Nope, you ignored her and were therefore hideous, ridiculous. No one else on earth cared enough to be honest. Only your mother loved you that much.***

Indescribable to anyone who was not daily undermined like this. Virtually indestructible because that basic idea that you're defective, pitiful, an embarrassment never quite goes away. A hidden tattoo. Is it any wonder we have trust issues....not the least of them with ourselves?

***It took me literally decades to realize no one on earth could hurt me as much as she did.  Diminishing me was the way she self soothed.

[Indigochild]

Hi Coda

You explain it so well. It was kind of hard to read, it hits nail on the head but I'm glad you put it to me like that.
I cant remember much at all of what happened, so its hard to explain to partner.
Your right and i do feel that know one would ever understand unless they lived it themselves it is indescribable.
Im sorry you experienced the same. It really sucked.
Puts you in a bad mood at the start of the day if happened before leaving the house.
It happened more than that and I was often suicidal as a child. (not sure if that needs to be moderated)

Don't know about you, but i do have this huge fear that if i succeed in anything, even if there is quietness in the house and peace in my relationship, i am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Peace makes me feel on edge, very anxious.
My mother took good things or compliments away, so i stopped trusting her. She ripped up and trashed everything that i told her or the nice things she said back ,and i realise now, that when my father was in the house, she was sometimes there for me, especially if he told her i was upset...that it was all for her own personal gain.

I think that were similar, in that we think known would love us unless we make them.
I am very picky and critical of others too in my head, an verbally to partner but I'm trying to work on it. Like her, it does temporally make me feel better, makes me feel powerful and that i am right to be perfect like her. I know she is not perfect however.
Im working on it.
Its such a shame that she has never realised that her outer critic is on a rampage most of the time.

What you said struck me when you said, that know one would ever say anything as they dont care as much as mother does, she loves me so much that that is why she is honest. I didnt think she loved me and i thought it was because i was worthless. But i suppose i sub continuously think that she was saying it because she cared.

Sorry about the ramble, thanks for listening.

[KayFly]

Dude, I'm so happy you guys responded to this. I was starting to think I was alone on the topic. Haha. And I was starting to figure out what it really is, while reading through Walker's book.  Just as you said it Coda.  Thank you both for your insights. I really feel like I have been able to wrap my head around this a little more, making me, well pretty sad, but more in control.

It's the perfectionist critic, that stemmed from my parents' impossible expectations to "appear" just fine. Absolutely crippling.

With them, it wasn't so much about the actual clothes themselves, but EVERYTHING was appearance to them...And I have a hard time leaving the house often.

Trigger Alert -

Both of my parent's molested me as a child, so they would have done anything to look like they were being good parents on the outside, hiding what was going on, on the inside...and that specific trauma led to an incredible amount of OCD traits in myself, Perfectionism is a huge hurdle l have become aware of now.

I now understand that this is rooted from the impossible, crippling ideals, as coda worded it, which makes it easier to find solutions now...because i know that it's not really about the clothes always, but that rage inside of me from what they did to me.

Another aspect of this, is that I have had many problems with identity, and there is a style that I liked, and there is another style that I wore, not by choice but by the bullying influence of my sister while growing up (which is a haunting, not long observed reality in this issue), and then there are styles that I just acquired by hanging out with certain people, and like "becoming a hippie fairy because my friends at the time were" I dunno why i put quotes around that. It's a real thing. Lol

Thank you for sharing Indigo about your experience with your mother. I can absolutely see why this would stem from your neglectful mother making unrealistic expectations of you, specifically around getting dressed. Thank you for sharing that. And i am sorry you had to go through that. 

Its such a shame that she has never realized that her outer critic is on a rampage most of the time.

It's so true. It's good we see how much harm this causes..

You sharing that actually helped me remember something that happened to me when I went to see my sister, for her wedding.  During that time I was living in Oregon, kind of living the Hippie life. My sister made me one of her bride's maids, even though we were never close and she always bullied me, but I think she wanted to make it look good or something...Anyways so at the time, I wasn't actually shaving my pits (I was a hardcore hippie for awhile haha), but I mean I was still HER SISTER, and worthy of love.

So I got dressed for the wedding rehearsal, mind you, I was 18 years old at this time, and she WOULD NOT let me wear my own clothes. She scowled with disgust over MY STYLE. I actually remember, that the outfit I had on, was one of my absolute favorite outfits. I was confused, pretty sad and overwhelmed, but she forced me to wear this bright green dress with white flowers on it.  I have like a bohemian style, and I would never have worn that dress on my own. Anyways I * wore it.

The next day we got through all the wedding *, my sister was bridezilla. I liked the brides maids' dress at least, but anyway, after the wedding was the reception, and I wasn't really comfortable in heals so I went up to my sister and asked if I could change out of the wedding attire. She said "No way. You leave that dress and those heals on. All the bridesmaids are dressed up still." So I felt obligated, because it was her special day.  But then I went in to hug her, and she literally pushed me off of her, and she was like "You * smell." and something else to the effect that I was gross and to get away from her.

I WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT?!! <there's the rage.

I'm in tears not thinking of how unloveable i've always felt from them. This is the first time I have actually cried about that event with my sister. Now I would never let anyone treat me that way, and my family probably will never see me again, but I really appreciate you guys being there and helping me find some clarity on that. It can be really painful to feel like you are not pretty enough, perfect enough, but you guys are right. Its all unrealistic, crippling expectations.

You think you understand something, only to find you have replaced it with something else, or that it has not gone away. We use one issue to control a number of insecurities.

It's like I knew this, but I didn't know how to say it.

I'm sorry you've both struggled with this in particular as well.
Coda thanks for your insights. You are a really great writer.
Indigo, thank you for sharing. It really helped me look at a lot of specifics.

K

[Indigochild]

Hi K

I would just like to let you know, that i am here with you, even though over the internet, and possibly from across the globe! But i am here i thought. Its nice to know that someone is here with you when you are sad.
This is good, tears are healing. Your inner child is connecting with you.   

You are right, it is painful very painful. It is abuse to make a child think, weather intentionally or not, that they are worthless. Saying that to a child is awful, and there are many ways that can be said to a child that doesnt always have to be verbal. Children pick up on signs , body language etc. the lack of love being given, and worth is not dependant on what we do. We are already worthy, Lisa A Romaono says anyway.
I cant imagine another person being worthless.

I always think that too when i post a topic, theres views but no replies, then about a day, couple days later, theres replies and people relating.

Yes yes, i never realised either that my mum strived for perfection in everything not just how i looked, her thing was to also appear perfect to the outiside world. As long as she did, then how anyone felt didnt matter to her.

Yes, I'm sorry to hear about the molesation from them. I have Ocd traits too, maybe its common with perfectionistic parents, whatever their reasons.

I do think that weather rage, pain- pain is under rage, the running away ocd perfectionistic ideals is to avoid pain when we couldn't express it back then living with FOO.

It will be good for you to work out why you need / needed to be like others. Im sure there are many reasons for this.

It is horrible what your sister did and how it made you feel. You should be angry!

Thanks for listening to me whilst i shared. Its good to connect on this.

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo,

Thanks you for being there.     Your empathy means a lot. I very much appreciate and value the support I receive here.  I like when people are able to reflect back to me what is happening, because I don't always know how to put it into words, and I appreciate being validated in all that I feel.

I've been reading in Walker's book about the signs, facial expressions and such, not just the outright abuse, verbal or physical, that can be just as damaging. I agree that no one deserves this, and I like what Lisa A Ramaono says...I really feel that too

I can't imagine another person being worthless.

I'm glad I posted this. It makes me want to post more. I have much more to say and I think many will relate to certain vulnerable issues. Its a healthy practice to discuss these things.

I'm sorry you had to deal with the abuse from your mother. That's really sad. That's how my mother was too. It really hurts.

We have similar traits. Seems to make sense...

What is FOO? I'm new here, trying to catch up with the lingo...

But you are right like, in essence I see what you are saying. The perfectionist ideals, I have a strong outer critic too right now, its all just relating back to avoiding that pain. Which is super helpful for me to know. Cuz that outer critic is out of control right now...its not nice..

Yeah going back to why I needed to be like others...is * up...I don't get that...haven't even touched on it yet.  Thanks for mentioning that. I need to talk to my T about that. Lol I'm gonna have to like look back at this conversation to reference like 10 things i need to work on in therapy. Its all good though. It's all healing and as much as I want it to HEAL ALL AT ONCE, I am beginning to accept where I am and have some patience with the process.

Thank you so much for validating all my feelings and sharing everything you did. You are a gem, and such an asset here 

K

[migrator]

@KayFly - FOO is Family of Origin.

Interesting thread.

Just for comparison, I am completely opposite regarding clothes and appearance since my sense of self was not destroyed by my FOO and I was allowed to develop my own sense of style (which is a sort of beach bum/nerd vibe). But my mother did not try to control me, she was not really a toxic person and my circumstances for having CPTSD are different from the others who posted on this thread.

But I can still relate to your stories, thanks for sharing and spreading enlightenment!

[I like vanilla]

Wow! Kayfly, thank you for your posting.

I thought that it was just me. Yes, trying on 10 outfits in the morning is a common occurrence in my morning routine. For me, I think it is partly wanting to wear the 'right' thing. It is also partly that I am still figuring out who I am and what I like, so am still working out which pieces to keep in my wardrobe, etc.

For the longest time, I wore whatever my family bought for me for b-days, etc. At one point I went through my closet with a friend of mine, for every piece I said 'so-and-so gave me that one'. My friend finally asked 'does your family hate you?'... Unfortunately, I think several members do ~:)

I am now slowing building my wardrobe with pieces that I like and that fit my size, style, and complexion. It is an interesting process.

One thing I found that has helped me is underwear. (at the risk of TMI ). I own LOTS of underwear in different colours and patterns. I find that if I can at least find a pair of underwear that matches the 'zone' that I am in that day then figuring out the outer clothing gets a little less important and so easier to decide. Even if my clothes do not fully match my mood, my underwear usually does, and I know it is there, which is important.

[KayFly]

Hi I.Like.Vanilla and welcome!

I'm sorry you stress around this type of thing as well, and that you feel like several members of your family hate you. I have the same feeling but I don't care in my case because, I hate them too.

I think building your wardrobe and discovering your style is great. I believe just picking out one really nice thing at a time that you "must have!" is great.  Dressing with your own sense of style, and dressing nice, is good for self esteem.

Funny you feel like you need to match your underwear with your clothing. I can see how that would happen.

The root of this problem for me came from my family always trying to make everything look perfect on the outside, while hiding what is going on internally. I was trained to always make everything look fine and perfect, and then it manifested into weird things like being so obsessed with what I am wearing, when truly we wear clothes to protect ourselves from the elements.  And it also caused me to have identity crisis's around my sense of style because my mom was narcissistic and that's all just confusing.

You sound like a curious, excited spirit in your self discovery process. I have also begun to rebuild my wardrobe, one nice thing at a time. I wish the best to you, and also, since I started talking about this problem (since it really bothered me that I would like throw fits in the morning), it's gotten better.

I genuinely don't care as much about how I look, slowly and progressively, and care more about the way I feel.

Anyways welcome again and thank you for posting.
Have a great day!

[tired]

Every single day. It's the hardest part of my day.

I feel uncomfortable, I don't know what to wear, my clothes don't stay clean. My body doesn't look right. I see other people wearing clothes and walking around and they seem fine.  I don't get it.

[I like vanilla]

Kayfly, Thank you for the good wishes. Like you, I try on many outfits in the morning. And, like you, I don't care if my family hates me or not. I tend to hate them if I am having a bad day or actively thinking about them, but mostly I spend my energies in other places. I am NC with most of my biological family so no longer have to deal with them... well except in working to get their messages out of my self.

It's funny, the point I was making with the underwear is that mine do not have to match my clothing. I dress to fit my mood and the situation, which do not always match, e.g. I can't wear my comfy torn jeans to a job interview even if that is my mood. I can, however, wear whatever underwear I like, even if it clashes with my clothing; no one can see it but I know it's there. So, I can wear some type of 'proper interview clothing' but still feel good because I have some crazy pattern on my underwear. It sounds a bit silly (and it is a bit silly) but it does help me to get dressed in the morning.

I am sorry to hear that you had such restrictions of perfection placed on you. I think that is one of the tactics of abusers, eh? As long as everything looks perfect on the outside they can do what they like after that. In you case, I think the 'looking good on the outside part' seems to be literally true. I am glad to hear that you are also building up your wardrobe and finding nice pieces that you like. There is a certain joy in finding a 'right' piece isn't there? I am glad too that you are also getting better. I am new to the board but am finding that communicating with people who 'get it' does help.

Sending good through on your journey 

[Onyx]

Hi Kayfly,

I am a male, however, reading your post, it is apparent to me I have been experiencing anxiety around clothing too.

I think when we are in midst of severe depression or  identity disturbance we sort of become "disenfranchised". We essentially return to
our most simple authentic self. When we feel this way- most clothes look ridiculous.

Clothes- at times, cause me to panic too. Nothing worse then feeling depressed, while trying to pull off some fashionable outfit. It creates far too much anxiety.
Our confidence, generally has to align with whatever it is we are wearing at a given time.

If we are in the middle of a particularly difficult patch, it is more likely that clothes that are attractive, fashionable or draw attention are going to freak you out.

My solution, as a man of 36, when I am in very trying times like I stick with as simple clothing as I can. Clean, classic, but simple. So you are not going to get
caught up in confusion about identity, or who you are, or what you are trying to be, or how others are going to see you, or feeling like your fashion is a lie, that does
not reflect upon the truth of your lived experience- all the other anxiety provoking rubbish that our thoughts can conjure up. I do not know if you are fortunate enough to be working, but career or work identity helps too.

I find it bet to try not to draw attention to myself.

When you are feeling fragile, exposed, or low- then think utilitarian- clothes for function. When your mood lifts, or you feel confident in yourself- branch back out into
fashion etc.   

Fashion is a age thing too. At a certain age- 35+ its almost a case of having to ignore it altogether.