So...I've been struggling with this...exhaustion, for the last - going on three years now. It's weighed me down, it's affected every aspect of my life...it effects my thinking, how physical I can/want to be, my social interactions, my job, when I was in school - my school work - and definitely played into my decision to put off graduate school.
I was convinced that it was something physical. I have a lot of physical issues, so I just assumed that the tiredness was something that went along with that. "I'm deficient in some nutrient" "My hormones are off" "I have some unknown virus" (I was told by several practitioners that they saw evidence in my bloodwork/mineral analysis that I had some kind of low level virus)
What I've found interesting though...is that as hard as this emotional excavation that I've been doing lately has been...the more I do...the less tired I am. I'm still having a hard time getting off my couch, but I am not going through my days feeling like I'm dying from the inside out which is what it's felt like.
I haven't changed my diet.
I haven't started any medications.
I'm not taking my vitamins.
I'm not exercising.
I'm not doing any of the things that I've been telling myself, or have been told, that I'd need to do to not wake up in the morning counting the minutes before I could crawl back into my bed before my eyes even open.
All I've been doing is...this. Writing about stuff, talking about stuff, feeling about some stuff.
And I was reading a blog post about the stages of grief, and read this about depression:
Depression - Recently someone told my sister, that after she experienced the loss of her baby seven weeks after his birth, that the pain was so intense she wouldn't have been able to breathe, if her body hadn't done it automatically. Sometimes "things" keep a person going - a memorial service to plan, children to care for, and when those tasks are accomplished,
the grief and pain knock a person down and sit on our chests like a sumo wrestler. We feel like not only can we not get up, but that we will never, ever be able to, and we don't want to.I have thought repeatedly to myself over the years that I am not depressed. I don't sit around crying, I don't have days when I can't get out of my bed because I'm "sad" (although plenty of days where I have had to go back to bed, or that I've been just too tired to get out of bed) - I have friends, I have lots of things that I'm interested in, even if I can't find the energy to do any of them...all of these are features of what *I* think of as classic, clinical depression. And when therapists have asked me questions about depression, this is how I've answered them.
And I thought to myself...what if this is some kind of weird low level walking depression that no one really talks about? I actually know a LOT of people who...while they aren't clinically depressed, aren't especially happy or engaged in life either.
I asked someone, and they directed me to
dysthymia.
"Dysthymia has a number of typical characteristics: low energy and drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life. Mild degrees of dysthymia may result in people withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure. In more severe cases of dysthymia, people may even withdraw from daily activities.[6] They will usually find little pleasure in usual activities and pastimes. Diagnosis of dysthymia can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the symptoms and patients can often hide them in social situations, making it challenging for others to detect symptoms. Additionally, dysthymia often occurs at the same time as other psychological disorders, which adds a level of complexity in determining the presence of dysthymia, particularly because there is often an overlap in the symptoms of disorders.[7] There is a high incidence of comorbid illness in those with dysthymia. Suicidal behavior is also a particular problem with persons with dysthymia. It is vital to look for signs of major depression, panic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, alcohol and substance misuse and personality disorder.[8]"
Well then. When I'm really freaking honest with myself, that's me to a T.
And, doesn't it seem like dysthymia might be a major feature of c-ptsd? Except, I haven't come across it as a symptom. Has anyone else? Has anyone's therapist suggested it, or talked about it with them? Does anyone else feel like they struggle with this?
In addition there's this:
"Another study, which used fMRI techniques to assess the differences between individuals with dysthymia and other people, found additional support for neurological indicators of the disorder. This study found several areas of the brain that function differently. The amygdala (associated with processing negative emotions such as fear) was more activated in dysthymia patients. The study also observed increased activity in the insula (which is associated with sad emotions). Finally, there was increased activity in the cingulate gyrus (which serves as the bridge between attention and emotion)."
I have read a lot of stuff about the physiological effects of chronic stress and trauma on the brain. Those are the exact same brain structures that are affected by chronic stress. Everything from poverty, chronic bullying, domestic violence and abuse...and child abuse.
Very very interesting.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia******
The more I look into this, the more I question whether or not the kind of depression that I've been dealing with actually has a diagnosis. It doesn't quite fit Dysthymia, or even Atypical Depression, although it has features of both. What is becoming increasingly clear however is that there are many different kinds of depression other than major clinical which is all the intake questions that I've ever encountered focus on.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atypical_depressionThere are people who describe a "walking-depression" which doesn't sound diagnosable, but is a Thing that people struggle with.
http://www.gresik.ca/2012/03/10-signs-of-walking-depression/^^That sounds very much like what I struggle with, including this:
We don’t collapse and stay in bed all day. We keep working, keep writing, keep looking after our families. Keep blogging and tweeting and going out with friends. Keep taking our car to the service station. We just do it all while being profoundly unhappy.
Because we’re strong-willed creatives. We are so strong that we endure unendurable situations far longer than we should. We are deeply committed and we want to do our best for others.