I'm at the beginning of my journey of healing from CPTSD, but I've been in therapy before for problems stemming from childhood abuse.
I picked up an old book I have, "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" (author: Steven Farmer), because I remembered there are exercises in the back of the book that I never actually did - I just read thru them.
On p. 44, Farmer has this to say:
"As a child, abuse became your only option for human contact, so you concluded that abuse was a sign of love. As an adult, you continue to equate love and affection with abuse.
"People often choose familiar negative situations over unfamiliar positive ones. If what is familiar in an intimate relationship is abuse, you may unwittingly get involved with someone who mistreats or abuses you. Remaining unaware of this repetitive cycle, you maintain the childhood victimization into your adulthood."
This really hit me hard today. For so long, I let the patterns of my past be repeated in my present. Only now, at almost age 60, am I beginning to take steps to heal the trauma I endured as a child.
I think of all the wasted time, all the damage that I've done along the way, to myself and to others. It makes me sad. My dysfunction has cost me jobs, friends, lovers. It has taken its toll on not only me but the people who have remained close to me.
If I could talk to my younger self I would tell her, "Dig deep! Get to the root of things now! You know there's something else lurking, stop turning away and running - confront the truth!"
I think how wonderful it is that so many survivors are here who are younger; they're a step ahead of the game. Still, at least I'm pursuing healing now instead of at 70!

Thanks for listening.