Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)

[Dutch Uncle]

I recently posted in the 4F trauma typology of Pete Walker on how I identify with the Fawn response.

At the moment these threads are under maintenance, and I can't post there anymore, so I'll do it here and later when the thread is back up move it there.

I got a response by MaryAnn, and it became clear to me I had completely misunderstood "Fawn". It's because English is not my native language. I had never heard of "Fawn" before, so I made my own interpretation/inference of the meaning of the word.
After MaryAnn's response I looked "Fawn" up in a dictionary: to praise someone too much and give them a lot of attention that is not sincere, in order to get a positive reaction

Well, that is definitely not my 'default' response, so I should more view myself as a "Freeze" type, as MaryAnn suggested.

That I "freeze" up to the point of 'playing dead' still holds though.

[Dutch Uncle]

A quote that struck a chord with me, as I think it is important to remember why NC with my uHPD (or otherwise cluster-B disordered persons around me) is so important:

Narcissists are said to be in love with themselves.
But this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in love with himself. He is in love with his reflection.
- Sam Vaknin, self-identified narcissist:  http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html

I have to deny them their reflection. Through me.
And NC is the only way to achieve they cannot reflect on me, and I do not reflect back at them.

[Dutch Uncle]

I've had a few strange days. Many ups and downs in one day, for days. I was switching between being very compassionate for myself, to raging and being overwhelmed by catastrophic thoughts and relentless Inner Critic attacks.

I did some reading in Pete walkers book: Chapter three on "Improving Relationships". The concepts of self-mothering and self-fathering. Quite interesting and nurturing actually.
Self-fathering I have been trying (and doing) for a long time now (I see in hindsight) but I never had thought of self-mothering. (The first being self-protection and the latter being self-compassion.)
Mostly because I already felt for a long time that I had missed out on a dad for a long time already. Twenty years ago I even made the conscious effort to bind more with my dad, told him so and it worked for a bit. This was after my first depression and not feeling comfortable with my therapists. Then, a year into this process my 'mom' walked out on dad which led to almost three years of divorce Drama. In hindsight I sometimes think 'mom' felt cheated (did she lose her narcissistic supply? Lost the ability to bully/abuse my dad as he now had a son who actually appreciated the man? Or at the very least a son who was on the path of having a relationship with his dad where the common ground would be: There where we appreciate each other is where we'll meet, not there where we disagree? No more put downs, please. For neither of us.) Not surprisingly my dad turned his attention to his wife, to safe his marriage and keep his life's companion, and contact with dad has since been worse than ever. The end of project "bind with dad", so to say.
But I had never thought I had been missing out on a mother as well. She had been there always, right? Good grief, the amount of attention I got from her. Overwhelming. Overbearing is probably a more apt word. Smothering?
The only caveat: it was not my mother, but my Therapist. (Or narcissist, or uHPD or whatever. But never my mother.) No wonder I failed to spot neglectful mothering, an absence of mothering.

This night was also up and down, but I managed to be able to switch back to self-compassion and self-acceptance time and again after Inner Critics attacks.
And then this thought dawned on me: I will try to rename the Inner Critic to the Internalized Critic. This is basically what Pete walkers says it is (so it's not an idea of my own): the Inner Critic is the internalized voice of my abusive parents and sister. And quite possibly of other abusive people in my past and present, though they have been cut out of my life already, whereas my parents and sister have had the opportunity to beat me up with impunity for decades.

But I think it might help me if I stop speaking of my Inner Critic, as to a large degree it isn't mine at all. It's nothing inherent in me. My TherapistMom used to send me that message, and it was only during my visits to the team of psychologists that I finally dared to speak the terrifying sentence "I'm afraid it's my mother who has installed in me the notion I'm psychologically defective and I need treatment." ("but I think this is wrong." Did I say this? I can't really remember. But I do remember that by uttering that long held thought and fear for the very first time ever in my life, I at least said it with the intent to figure out if this was right or not, and I wanted the psychologists to help me with that. SCID-II followed and I was declared 'sane', so to speak. Which led to me not getting any treatment anymore, which was the flip-side of the coin. And then I found OOTF and the community here. In a week it'll be one year ago I signed up. But I digress.)

I think and hope it will be useful for my recovery, in which the Inner Critic needs to be silenced after all, to bring an end to it being mine. It is after all the external criticism I have received for many decades that created and filed this Critic inside of me. And so by regarding it as the Internalized Critic, it may already out of the door with one foot. It will be purged. It's an alien organism inside my body, and my body should well be able to get rid of it.

So hi, Internalized Critic. 
I'm on to you. 
Let me show you the door. It where you're heading. 
Slowly but surely. You have overstayed your welcome.

PS: One of the self-affirming, self-protective and self-compassionate thoughts/experiences I have had over the past days was:
I have been going increasingly LC with sis and mom for years. Pressure only mounted. I became an alcoholic, but when I decided to seek treatment for that AND the underlying problems, I made the conscious decision not to tell any of my FOO, for I knew that they (in particular TherapistMom and DramaSis) would decent one me like vultures. So I basically went NC on that particular part of my life even before I went NC with both of them on all parts of my life. In fact I went NC after the first or second appointment with the 'T-Team'.
I think if I had not done that, I would have never dared to speak up in front of the therapists about my TherapistMom being the 'evil genius' who unnecessarily pushed me into therapy in the first place (30 years ago).
So I'm giving myself a pat on the back and a big hug for instinctively making the right choice to free myself of the abuse. Had I not gone NC, I would still be stuck. The whole process I'm in now isn't particularly fun either, but there is progress and more importantly: I'm on a way out now.

[arpy1]

just to say i'm so encouraged reading that! and that i have posted here today... twice!! 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi arpy1   I'm happy you felt encouraged. And I'm happy you posted! 

[Dutch Uncle]

If cPTSD is an "attachment disorder" as Pete Walker claims, (page 50 of cPTSD) shouldn't I primarily be concerned with what and whom I attach to, to with what and whom I am attached, to what and whom I might want to detach and to what and whom I am detached?

And given the fact I am dissociating at times, should these questions I ponder not only be aimed/considered with regard to the 'external' attachments (connections), but to those internally as well?

I know I should do away with 'shoulds' (LOL), and replace them with 'could', but as it is now, the above sentences wouldn't make sense. So for now it's good enough, these shoulds. 

[arpy1]

that's a very intriguing thought, DU, about attachment to self... have to ponder that. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Rather than posting this in the "Book Club" tread, this is more for my own process, and what's more: I got pretty triggered by this week's chapter I just need to vent, and anchor myself in my experience.

(author=no_more_fear link=topic=3952.msg22960#msg22960 date=1463408021) (annotated by me)
Chapter Five

Overcoming the phobia of inner experience

Our inner experience is that which we think, feel, remember, perceive, sense, decide, plan and predict. These experiences are mental actions, or mental activity. Mental activity may or may not be accompanied by behavioral actions. It's essential that you become aware of, learn to tolerate and regulate and even change major mental actions that affect your current life,  such as negative beliefs, feelings or reactions to the past that interfere with the present. However, it's impossible to change inner experiences if you're avoiding them because you're afraid, ashamed or disgusted by them. Serious avoidance of your inner experiences is called experiential avoidance. In this chapter you will learn about the phobia of inner experience and build a foundation of skills to overcome it.

Understanding the Phobia of Inner Experience

Most people think of phobias as a fear of something external e.g. spiders. But some people can be equally terrified of a feelings like rage or sadness. Or a thought or wish, or a prediction that if they try something new they'll fail, or even of physical sensations such as the rapid heartbeat and difficulty breathing that accompanies panic. Such a phobia of inner experience may involve shame or disgust in addition to fear. The phobia of inner experience is a serious problem, contributing to ongoing psychological stress and inhibition of pleasanter spontaneous activities.

For example, people may be intensely ashamed of rage because they believe that emotion could only belong to a 'bad' person or they fear the consequences of expressing it. Instead of feeling rage and dealing with it, they increase their misery by giving themselves negative labels. Their misery's therefore compounded. Subsequently they avoid anger and situations that might evoke anger and when they feel angry they recoil in shame and disgust. Others may have fantasies of being cared for, yet feel very afraid and ashamed of these wishes because they have negative beliefs that being needy or dependent is weak and not normal. Again, this creates more inner distress and prevents them from accepting important needs.

Many people with a dissociative disorder are afraid of inner voices that come from other parts of themselves. They label themselves as 'crazy' and feel ashamed and afraid of these voices. Such feelings are often intensified if they have been labelled psychotic or 'crazy' by mental health professionals who did not understand the dissociative nature of the voices.
(and there is my TherapistMom: the    to whom every single readily available emotion I expressed was negated and who blew them up to a BIG and DEEP inner defect of mine, to which I (shamefully from her perspective insistence) had no access to... and needed to 'work on'.)
Some inner experiences may feel so threatening that almost any means of escape may be used, no matter how destructive. Maybe you stay very busy so memories don't have time to surface. Other avoidance behaviours include drugs (I used to) or alcohol or other addictive behaviour, increasing self-criticism, withdrawing from others or blaming others for your inner problems. You may avoid it so much that you don't view it as your experience.
Avoidance can be conscious or unconscious. We will begin by helping you be more aware of the ways you avoid inner experience in conscious ways. Once you become more comfortable in noticing how you avoid inner experience consciously, you gradually can begin to feel more secure to focus on some inner experiences of which you may not be aware. For example you may cringe or feel fear when you hear an inner voice but you may not yet know much about why that voice exists or what that part of you experiences.

Why People Develop a Phobia of Inner Experience

Generally the phobia of inner experience develops for three reasons.
First, many traumatized individuals did not get sufficient help dealing with intense inner experiences. They received too little help an reassurance from caretakers.
(Again: my TherapistMom. Seconded by EnablerDad and DramaSis. Memories resurface (not that they really ever left my experience) of me griefing over a relationship-breakup. I was sad. TherapistMom took me to her 'office-at-home' (which is probably a horrific case of intentional isolation: I was 20 or so, and my older siblings were visiting my parents, just as I was. * did she pull me out of the 'family' into her private practice? Good Grief...) where she kept on insisting I should access my anger or whatever. Point being: whatever the emotion I felt at the moment, it was THE WRONG ONE !
Thus, they feel easily overwhelmed, simply because they do not understand these experiences and feel they aren't controllable.

Second, people tend to evaluate their internal experiences as 'good' or 'bad.' They go on to label themselves the same way:  'Anger is bad so I'm bad;' 'only people who are unlovable feel shame, so I'm unlovable.' Our inner experiences are not what make us good or bad, they are just a natural part of everyone's world. (Except for TherapistMom, for whom nothing is what it is, and it's all just an opportunity to dig some 'dirt' up. And throw it in yer face! Ugh!)

Finally, certain inner experiences remind us of past traumatic experiences or as signals that something bad is about to happen. For example, when people, or a dissociative part of themselves, feel anxious, the emotion and physical sensations may immediately remind them, even if only on an unconscious level, of the fear they felt when they were being hurt in the past. They thus try to avoid feeling anxious so as not to be reminded of unresolved traumatic memories. Others might perceive an inner experience as a signal that something is about to go wrong. For example someone who feels sad may believe this emotion precedes an overwhelming experience of despair. Therefore, sadness is avoided to prevent the other difficult experience from occurring. The paradox is that what is fearfully anticipated would not likely take place if the present feeling of sadness is accepted and calmly experienced.
(Once more: TherapistMom: Simple and basic emotions that I expressed proved to be an Omen (<— Insert (New Age) predetermination and/or predestination) of impending and practically unavoidable Doom. I "wasn't grounded", were "not in contact with my Essence", were "leaking my (life-)Energy", or whatever Fundamental Flaw in my Being needed to be Adressed... By me in Solitude off course... The    was only pointing out where I needed to direct my attention to... NOT at what I was addressing, but Something Else... Something Unfathomable... Anything but what I was experiencing... I always had to "dig deeper"... The Agony! No resolution possible, by definition.
No wonder I'm confused... The very essence of my 'self' has been deliberately, intentionally and purposefully (<— for the Grandiose Benefit of GuruMom who had to be instrumental in showing me My Way) destroyed, negated, neglected and amended... to fit her 'script'... of my life.)

The Need to overcome the phobia of Inner Experience

Healing requires you to work with these inner experiences in order to understand and change them. And you can't change that which you avoid or do not know. Although it may be difficult, it is essential for you to learn to accept, understand, regulate and cope with all your inner experiences. They have got reason to exist and shouldn't be judged as 'good' or bad.' Everyone has inner experiences and if you're able to tolerate them you can learn from them and what to do about them. Otherwise you remain captive to inner experience with it controlling you. Your work in this manual can help you learn to accept your inner experiences without judgement. In fact, this entire manual is geared towards helping you overcome your phobia of inner experience and feel less vulnerable and more comfortable as a whole person. You will learn much more about how to approach inner experience in the next chapter.
I have read that on average it takes seven attempt to finally distance oneself from ones abuser, so I'll say it once more: "Mrs. Therapist (and imposter Mom)... You're fired!"

[Dutch Uncle]

Yesterday marked the day the psychologists who made certain I have no PD nor an anxiety disorder told me they could not be of any further service whatsoever.

I'm still in limbo if I can be happy overall of me even going down that route, or that it sucked overall and I shouldn't have bothered.

I'm telling myself that my effort in even going there, and showing my vulnerability in doing so, was a worthwhile effort. Even if after I told two long time buddies about the result and my 'quest' have not made any attempt to contact me since. I really should put "buddies" in parenthesis (?) there... Yeah right, one of them them invited me for New Years Eve. That has been "it" for the past year. The other one: zilch.

On the upside: my psychological review has proven me I'm not sick. I may have been injured, but that means I cannot, and do not, need treatment. Rehabilitation, "yeah that".
But I need another branch of healthcare providers for that.
And I can probably do without the silent "buddies", who only want to meet when things are swell...

Oh well, I made progress nonetheless the last year.
I should dance regardless...

[Dutch Uncle]

The carrot on a stick. (in Dutch: "Er wordt je een worst voorgehouden....")

This night I realized how my parents have had such a skewed 'reward-system' for their (adult) children.
It has to do with "Intermittent Reinforcement" as well as with their miserly living/spending style.
And it has to do with what somebody from the Social Security Agency said to me when I had my my first depression/breakdown 15 years ago: "A carrot has been held in front of you which was then yanked away"... (I had gotten laid off due to budget cuts.)

All my life, all my youth and up till today my parents have always put a reward for me in the future. Never ever have I been rewarded for something, some achievement I did "out of the blue". On the spot. In the moment.
They set us the goals, and put a reward on it. So rewards, presents etc where always something "to be had later".
Now, I realize that doing that sometimes is good parenting, as children need to learn that "instant gratification" only 'works' up to a certain age. Or probably I should say: up to a certain age children can only deal with "instant gratification", they have no concept yet of "postponed gratification". Their brain is simply not wired for it yet. But the transition to 'responsibility' should be slow, gentle and age-appropriate. I (and my siblings no doubt) were treated as if we had the adult faculties of "postponed gratification". (<—- why do I always need to "think it through" and write up some "brainy" background/larger picture? Oh, well...) As if we were responsible enough to commit to a mortgage... Good grief.

Anyway, my parents always did the 'postponed gratification', never the instant gratification. Never an ice-cream when we were at the beach (well, after long nagging perhaps), never a sudden "Let's go crazy and go to the movies for the fun of it", never a "you've got such good grades, here's a present", never a "here's a nice dress, dear wife, because I love you so much", never a "I was walking in town, saw this in a shop, and had to think of you: so I bought it. Here."
Nothing like that, ever. And it's not that my parents didn't have the money...

What they did however was to make promises on what we would get, if...
For me personally this meant, among other things, that a lot of stuff that my elder siblings had gotten also ended up it that realm. If I would be their age I would also get it, if I would achieve the same they had achieved, I would get the same reward they had gotten etc.
Now, I don't have the idea that the eldest (DramaSis) particularly got presents "spontaneously", but the fact I was the youngest did contribute, I think, to me being confronted with all these "carrots" being held up in my face, time and again, a lot more than my siblings. If only since my brother is just over a year younger than my sis (and thus only had a waiting period of that time), while I am four years younger than him. Four years is an eternity for a child. Well, four years is even a loooong time ahead for an adult...

It also meant that rewards I did get at some point were rather inappropriate. For example my sister got extra pocket money to buy clothes when she was 16 or so. Appropriate for a girl who wants to dress up nicely in puberty, but it did mean that my brother and I got the same 'present' at 16. *? Especially given the fact I have never ever been with my dad in a clothing shop! I was left to figure out myself how to shop for clothes. Sure, I had shopped with mom for clothes (sort-of) as a kid, but that was her buying my clothes. Nobody had ever taught me how I could shop for clothes I liked or fancied.

I can't remember I ever got praise for the cloths that I bought. Good grief no, that would be "instant gratification". Dad was only interested if I actually spend all the allocated 'clothes-money' on cloths and not on petrol for my moped or something. Every so often I had to show up with receipts or some such, as he was afraid I was squandering his money. Or some such. The miser.
Mom was always in shock with what I had bought.

Now to the second part of the "carrot on the stick": yanking it away again. The "bookkeeping" sessions always had the threat of the money taken away again, or cut.
But especially from my adult life I know very well how rewards that were promised were simply taken away again after a perceived slight I committed. Or simply because I used it "for the wrong things". As I type this, I realize that practically all I ever got was money. Never a present or "thing". Money. How inattentive. Not something I liked, or something that was useful, no, at best I would get money to buy it myself. And then I would end up buying the 'wrong' thing, or the wrong brand, or in the wrong color or something. There was always something wrong. As in: I never got praise when I showed up with the 'thing' I bought with the allocated 'budget'. * no, that would mean they would have to give me "instant gratification", or I should better say: "instant reinforcement".
And it's not so much they literally said "Wrong!" (although that also happened now and then) but more that always I would get an 'opinionated' reaction. They always had something to remark. They always had to 'pee on it' as we say in Dutchland. (a reference to a dog peeing to mark it's territory, not to release the content of ones bladder )

And then there are the presents that were promised to me, that I was 'carrot-ed' with, for milestones I never reached. Such as a washing-machine I would get when I would get kids. (Probably that should read: when I would get them grandchildren.) Another present my sis got first, and thus it was pointed out I would get it too. In time, after I reached the goal.
Well, I never got around to having kids, so I never got a washing machine.
Of other things I was simply stripped after I got it.

I remember well how utterly confused I have been at various points in my life that people gave themselves 'presents'. What I now have come to understand is "self-care". With my first proper girlfriend as a young adult we would go to a coffee-shop and have one of those fancy, delicious coffees with whipped cream and cinnamon and chocolate powder. I had never done that.
Or we would go to a restaurant around 4 PM and just have an 'entree' for a snack. Amazing. Wonderful. And such a treat. As a kid we would never get snacks in between meals.

With the friends of a later girlfriend they would buy themselves ice-creams. I was baffled. And not the cheap (pretty tasteless) ones, no, they would buy the 'expensive' delicious ones. I couldn't believe it, and it took me effort to do the same and actually give in to the feeling of just how delicious and joyful it was to eat ice-cream with a bunch of friends and enjoy doing oneself a favor.

During my recovery the last year a lightbulb had already been lit with regard to "the carrot on a stick". This had eluded me ever since the Social Security woman told me 15 years ago. Not in the least since therapy never took of then, due to waiting lists. But it had been nagging in the back of my mind, ever since. I think (but this may be a bit of 'history revision', but probably not) at times I was not feeling too well and I had the nagging feeling of: why can't I enjoy myself? Why am I not content with all I achieve? Why can't I accept the fact that people like me and I'm good at my job?
Or it might have been at the moments I was given "carrots", or expected and anticipated rewards didn't materialize. Or when I failed to reach a goal I had set for myself.
Perhaps in all three instances.

But never before have I realized how connected this all is with the miserly spending style of my parents, and with them re-possessing gifts already awarded.

They never cared for me. No wonder I have trouble with self-care.
Well, time to reframe that, again. I have known times I did 'self-care'. I'll probably be stuck with 'relapses' for the rest of my life. But I hope I'll rebound quicker now I know this.
I 'just' have to learn to feel it now. And go beyond the pure cognition of "the how and why". And feel the how and why it's so good, self-care.
And I can do that by revisiting these good feelings I did have at times. Perhaps feel them a bit deeper and more uninhabited. And smack the Inner Critic, the internalized miserly parents, on the head. " I'm having an ice-cream. You go sit there and miserly sulk, 'mom' and 'dad'. Go away."

edit: typos.

edited to add:
Inspired by a vid I saw there is more to add on the miserly spending style of my parents raisers/educators/prison wardens:

I was 15 or so, and my parents threw a party for themselves and friends (a birthday probably of one of hem.) Being the dutiful son, and of course also exited to be old enough to spend some of the evening with all these adults I helped them serving the guests drinks. I needed orange-soda or the like, and my mom passed me the liter-bottle. All the sparkling fuzz had evaporated, the bottle had been open for weeks or months even. I said: "hey, all the fuzz is gone, pass me another bottle." "Oh no", came the reply, "it's fine." "No, you can't do this! These are your guests! You're not going to serve them old no-fuzzy-soda, are you really?" I got stared at in disbelief, but a new bottle was opened...
That's how miserly they were.

And when I was studying in my 20's, they would bring with them on visits opened potato-chips bags (who had gone all soft, LOL.) other opened and/or past-expiry date stuff (beverages) and very light alcoholic drinks (1%) that I drank before I was 16, but was actually horrible, but it was chance to ditch the "no drinking before 16"-laws in DutchLand. These bottles would actually be from when I was 15 or so.
At some point I told them I didn't want the old crappy stuff anymore, told them it was to old and thus tasteless and of too poor quality. I still see the horror in my mom's eyes. What I nowadays attribute to "Narcissistic Injury". Dad had his usual blank expressionless (Aspergers-)face, so I can't tell what he thought about it. I think the next time they still pulled the same stunt (Bloody BoundaryBusters, those two) but eventually they 'got it', as I made them to take the stuff back home.
Good grief, I almost forgot I did had boundaries in place once... 

I think in my 30's they started to bring me old crap again, and I didn't want to make a fuzz, as they were in a divorce. Also all kind of childhood memorabilia started to end up at my place. Their memorabilia that is, I realize now.
I've started to throw some of that stuff out now, or destroy it outright. Somehow that is both a painful and liberating process. It goes piecemeal though. I guess I 'inherited' their slight 'hoarders' mentality. A "flea". Time to rid me of that.

edited to add: And lo and behold, a few days after I posted this a Vlogger posted on the very same subject. Validation! 
***possible triggers***Confusing Opportunity For The Carrot On A Stick: Another Narcissist Gift To Us
He also makes a connection with what I posted below on "Failure to Thrive." 

[arpy1]

 

[Dutch Uncle]

This night I had one of those experiences that sound sadder than I actually experience them. A sort of snatching victory from defeat' kind off feeling. Happy with the end result, but so aware and worn out of the effort it has taken me, and at what costs it has all come about.

"Failure to Thrive" is a phrase that kept popping up in my mind. I think I have had that thought/feeling/emotion at various points in my life. And it came back this night again.

What triggered it was I was watching some YouTube vids on narcissistic abuse, and "Münchhausen by proxy" is mentioned with some regularity in them. I have for long now feared I have been the victim of that with my TherapistMom a.k.a. DramaMama being the perpetrator. (Or sick person, depending on the perspective. But since this recovery is a bout me, all me and only me (= healthy self-interest) and not her, she's the perpetrator and I have been victim of her schemes.

"Failure to Thrive". All her kids suffer from it, IMHO (though at the moment I'm deepest in the dung), and Enabler dad is as unsupportive towards his children as she is. No validation whatsoever, harsh criticism all the more, from both my 'raisers'. And we as siblings tend to treat each other likewise. How could we not?

My "Failure to Thrive" (at the moment that is. I have thrived before) is really a feature of my Inner Critic, my Internalized Parental Scathing. The ever present voice that says I must be sick. In the head, as the psychological New Age Therapist crap has been the "Münchhausen by proxy", not physical ailments. I dare say physical ailments where rather neglected in stead of 'milked', used a supply for attention. I already told the story about my appendicitis, where I was left in the hospital for hours, all by myself, while my female 'raiser' had more important things to attend to. She also did not visit me every day, which would not be an opportunity something a "Münchhaussen by proxy" character would pass on I suppose. Or perhaps that is exactly what such a character would do, as now the neighbors and friends of her who did visit me (I was visited every day, just not my her or dad or bro or sis) would visit my mom on the way back? Hmmm... So my 'mom' could get all the attention that otherwise would have gone to me?

But I digress. Physically I have always been OK, but every time I was 'down' (a failed exam f.e.) than that was cause for a major psychological fault in me. She had me attend a New Age therapist at 20, after I broke up with a girlfriend.

So my current depressed state, and the struggle I'm in, the self-sabotaging I do and did: I all write it up to the "Learned helplessness", the failure to thrive, the constant negative attention I got from my parents. Not only was it the only way to get their attention (which it is), but it was the only form of attention given even when I would celebrate a success myself. Same story for my siblings, most likely, as 'mom's' absence at the graduating of my brothers M.Sc. is illustrative. She probably had preferred to see him fail. Well, I have given her two such occasions: failing my studies that is, dropping out. While I have the intellectual skills. (The IQ, that is. Some cognitive functions are definitely not 'online'. Some intelligence is failing. The will to thrive is failing. Or probably better: my thrive-toolbox has [strike]been robbed empty[/strike] never been filled by my 'raisers'.)

In a sense it's a relief to know this. Accept it. With all the sadness with it, but that sadness is, today, well in the background. Far background. Hardly accessible. Relief is at the foreground now, and it's a relief of stress, I dare say. Which is probably a good sign for cPTSD recovery.

All what I wrote above, and specifically the sense of relief that made the acceptance possible, came after I woke up in the middle of the night, a bit stressed, when I thought (to) myself: "You've made it. Your 'mom' and 'sis' have ceased to contact you, and the enablers ('dad' and 'bro') seem to have backed off as well. You did it! You have pulled it off!"

I hope and wish, and even have a little trust, that I can move from surviving to thriving, thriving again.

I should hold this thought, and hold the memory of the feeling of relief of today.

[arpy1]

absolutely, D/U. these moments of insight are painful but at the same time strangely releasing/helpful/affirming. sending you more big hugs  n support

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks a lot. Twice. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Since my 'physical' support-group has no grasp at all what I have been going through all my life, and the question/remark keeps popping up whether or not what I have experienced was intentional or not... and the best I can reply in order to get support from them is to reiterate that the point is moot as far as my experience of the abuse is concerned, and is irrelevant to the process of mourning and grief I'm going through these days, months, years... I do need to reiterate here, among my peers who know exactly what I have been through, must I make the following truthful statement as a powerful reminder for myself:

Lest I Forget...

My mother experiences pleasure from the hurt of others. There is Glee, there is Satisfaction, there is Revenge, there Resentment and not getting any of that incurs her Wrath. She must have it.
There is clearcut evidence for this:
- She goes to funerals to feed off the misery of others. The most striking and shocking example of this is when she told me how one of her old-time friends had had payback now that her two daughters had had failed marriages. That "showed her" (the friend) since the friend had dared ask her "Why on earth are you divorcing well in your sixties?"
Payback. My 'mom' felt validated or something. It's hard to put a word on it, I cannot even find the right Dutch word for it. Validation is NOT the right word.
To use the misfortune of two women, daughters of your friend no less, whom she has seen growing up from a very young age (from even before I was born!) to "get back at" your friend who was just baffled at her decision at the time... It's sick. And this happened ten years or so after the actual utterance of those words. THAT is how long my mother stores her wrath. She has waited for this ever since.

- In my youth she already told me "your brother will be in great trouble with his behavior when he gets a wife" (and she used this as an excuse to let him beat me up). Intent. It has been her full intent to make this actually happen. She set him up, she wanted this to happen. His payback time would come, and she probably has done everything to make her wish come true.
Well, she succeeded: my brothers marriage is an indescribable mess and he, his wife and his kids are suffering because of it.
I'm sure that 'behind the scenes' she is gleeful about it. And I must say: even outwardly she doesn't seem that concerned. I have yet to witness true concern for any member of my brother's family, and that includes concern for my brother's wellbeing.
I'd be willing to bet a small fortune she is actually waiting for that marriage to fall apart too. But not after the agony has been drawn out as long as possible. As she has done with her own marriage, and even continues to do so.

- I've heard her say so many times that my sister "is not getting enough" from her spouse. And again I dare to bet that this is the reason why her daughter in law, my sister's wife has been NC with 'mom' practically from the start of the relationship with my sis. But that is besides the point why I should never forget my mom's words: she wants my sister to feel that she is "not getting enough". My sister may not even feel she is getting enough. My mother wants to see my sister unhappy. And preferably split as well, I guess.

- What is my punishment for telling my mom I was happy about her divorce? I can't imagine. But it doesn't matter. If I would have opposed her divorce (which I haven't at all, LOL) I just have to look at how she treated her friend.

- I wonder: how will she have treated her sister, my aunt, who also told my mom "Why on earth are you divorcing?" with the addition: "My husband has had a stroke and is now hospitalized. He cannot even speak. You haven't got a clue what you are doing to yourself." (or words to that effect. Aunty told me this herself...) Given the funeral story I mentioned earlier, I bet my mom is waiting in glee as well to have her sister experience something horrible. I'm pretty sure the husband's stroke is not enough. That happened before my Aunt's faux pas, after all.
It's never enough anyway, I'm sure. There's always more room for "payback time".

And this is just the suffering my mom loves to see in other people. Presumably that is why she became a therapist. All that unresolved or resurfacing grief and misery in other peoples life. Awesome.
She also cannot stand other people having success:

- My brother's graduation? Mom was not present, she had a "girls together only" gathering with her friends.
- Me being admitted to the national gymnastics team? "If you don't want to go, you don't have to" was her reaction to the admission letter.
- Me having a hard time at university? "Is this really what you want to do?" Questioning my passion and determination. She has been pushing me all my studies to abandon it. She succeeded: I dropped out in my final year.
- At my sister's wedding, 25 years in the relationship (couldn't be done earlier legally): "How are you, mom?" I asked. "Well, mother of the Bride!" was her answer. Soon after I heard her whine to my sister that the main hall of the venue sucked. It was a beautiful summer day and the party was outside, as intended. Mom just had to rain on the parade, quite literally: If it had rained we would have to sit in the "ugly" hall, and mom just had to drive that point home. I left this conversation immediately. Disgusted.

edited to add:
- My mother has made it clear in the past that when she dies, there will be 'articles'/'journal entries' for me (and specific others) to read as she "doesn't see me fit yet to read at this age" (I think I was well in my thirties when she told me this. *?).
Right then I thought: "Fine. I will put those, unread, in your coffin. What the * do you take me for?"
I intend to keep that promise. In fact, I am contemplating, more and more, not to even attend her funeral. She's such a control freak, she wants to reign from beyond her grave. That I even spotted there and then. But I thought then her funeral will give me closure. Now that I'm NC, I have the feeling I'm getting closure before that. Why would I attend? Given her histrionics, it's probably going be one big Drama-Fest.

I may have to add to this, but presumably this is enough to reiterate my commitment to NC, and to keep reminding myself, as my friends will probably never get into a place they can validate my knowledge, through experience, having lived it time and again, not only personally but through witnessing how she does this with anybody who supposedly should be dear to 'mom', that it all is malicious intent. That 'mom' thrives on it. Waits for it. Instigates it whenever possible. Pushes every button she can find to make it happen. And pull a plug here and there, lets not forget that as well: her favorite put down for me was: "You haven't plugged your hole yet." (Given her New Age babble, that's probably a hole in my Karma or Aura or some such nonsense. She loves to pull any plugs I have in place. Or drill some in me.)

Happiness in others makes her sad. Sadness in others make her happy.
It's true. There is no denying.

Nor can I deny it's the opposite in me. I am glad for other people who are glad. Even if I wouldn't be glad myself. I'm sad for other people who are sad. Even if it would not make me so sad myself. I'll do what I can do (which is admittedly is often not that much, though not much is often all it takes) to end, sooth suffering I witness.

Not her. She'll gleefully watch from a distance, and kick others when they are down. What? She''l make people trip so the fall down!
She is a dangerous woman. Spiteful. Vengeful. Wrathful.
I hate her behavior. I'm sick of it. Quite literally.
I need her out of my life.

I often and for a long time feared I was self-destructive. But I have to face the fact that it's my mother who is destructive. One more for the Inner Critic to shut up.
edited to add: This is the best video I have seen on the Inner Critic. I got it bookmarked, but in case I reread this: Listen to this, Dutch! Flying Into Glass: The Narcissist's Voice In Your Head

Something else that came up a few days ago: I have only gotten negative attention from my 'mom' (and 'dad' as well, but different) I have such an aversion to negative attention, I dare not go out for help. If I ever turned to my parents for help, they would only push me deeper in the mud, drag my further through the mud.
I'm so afraid to be a histrionic, that I play the invulnerable. If I ask for help, and help is given, or at least to be had if I fulfill certain requirements, efforts, I'm immediately scared I will be let down as soon as I comply. As has been my experience so often. I wrote about this on my miserly parents, a few posts back. The carrot on the stick. I have lost faith that sometimes the carrot is real. And up for grabs.
Learned Helplessness. It always comes back to haunt me.