Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)

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arpy1

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2015, 05:32:15 PM »
wow!  :thumbup: :thumbup: like it, D/U. :hug: :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #16 on: September 28, 2015, 06:02:01 PM »
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I want all this for each and every other being.

Now that is humanism! It wasn't something I was looking for either but it has been a "silver lining" of having CPTSD as Walker suggests; moving from an angry, frightened self curled up tightly in isolation from the world to a sense of connection, compassion, concern and responsibility for the well-being of self and others. And there has been joy in discovering it was and is within me and not out there somewhere (a god, other people, etc). 

So glad to hear you are 'plumbing the depths' and coming up with much more than buckets of childhood "residual goo" :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #17 on: September 28, 2015, 08:19:20 PM »
Thanks, both of you.

Yes, I have the feeling I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
Great. I was due for a break.  ;D

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tired

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2015, 07:39:36 PM »
something i notice : you put in details. not just generalities.  i have trouble with that. i might be able to say 'my mom isn't the nicest person all the time and it's an issue for me" but i can't say my mom said this or that and i answered this or that etc.  that's a problem.  stating things clearly as facts is important and that's the value of a journal. it doesn't need to be read. the point is to state the details in conscious form , in language, in sentences.  that makes them plain to see and once you see it you deal with it and you're done.  well maybe not that easily but still.

i have so much trouble with this so i never had a journal.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2015, 06:52:12 AM »
something i notice : you put in details. not just generalities.  i have trouble with that. i might be able to say 'my mom isn't the nicest person all the time and it's an issue for me" but i can't say my mom said this or that and i answered this or that etc.  that's a problem.  stating things clearly as facts is important and that's the value of a journal. it doesn't need to be read. the point is to state the details in conscious form , in language, in sentences.  that makes them plain to see and once you see it you deal with it and you're done.  well maybe not that easily but still.
Yes, you are right.
I can assure you though that for me part of the process is to accept them as fact, and then to state them, write them down for the facts they are. For a long time I ignored (repressed? denied?) them, was 'only' puzzled by it all. I have a big pile of old journals laying in my living room, with the aim to work through them. Quite possibly they are full of facts, buried under a lot of confusion of the moment.
I can also assure you that it has taken a lot of effort for me to state all these facts here. A conscious effort not to obfuscate myself anymore. A conscious effort to blow away the FOG. All this has been hard work. The result might look as if it's 'easy', or that it's all 'clear' to me, but it isn't.
It sure does help to bring clarity, also to read it over at times when the FOG is moving in again.

It's a bit of the same process as when you write an essay. You start, put it down again for a while, continue, reread, revise, scrap, insert, change the order of the paragraphs… It's a job.

Perhaps you could give it a try yourself? Just by writing down the facts you do know? It doesn't have to be prose. Like you said: it doesn't need to be read. It's a tool to get the 'stuff' in 'order' for yourself.
This journal section of the board is a bit of a sanctuary for myself. Here I can be totally 'selfish'. Here I only need to 'share' with myself.
And it sure helps to get me sorted, and all the facts sorted. And in my experience it's been a great aid to get the facts to the surface, facts that have eluded me for so long.

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tired

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #20 on: October 14, 2015, 09:06:08 AM »
terrifying but useful exercise

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #21 on: October 14, 2015, 10:29:05 AM »
You bet.
25 years worth. Stacked in piles of roughly 5 years each.

[attachment deleted by admin]
« Last Edit: October 14, 2015, 10:30:51 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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arpy1

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2015, 12:17:00 PM »
 :yes: :yes:definitely agree on the benefits of writing down the facts and also the effects of the things that happened. it is easier than trying to get another person to understand in conversation.  the benefit for me of this journal section is also that sometimes people do feed back and that helps because it makes me feel heard and more importantly understood and validated.  very helpful.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2015, 01:02:39 PM »
Oh yes. Feedback is great.
But where I elsewhere on the forum take consideration of the fact I'm in a conversation with you all, here I just dump anything I need to.  ;D

I try to view other people's journals the same way. And try to keep my replies short there. And always very 'to the point' if I think actual 'input' might be of service.

I think of the journals more as a 'lecture' I attend, while the rest of the boards are more of a 'seminar' or 'around the table' affair.
(with the possible exemption of "Letters of Recovery".)

Which gives me the opportunity to say to all who have replied (or have just read this journal): thanks!  :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Journal of a Dutch Uncle: Allowing self-forgiveness
« Reply #24 on: October 17, 2015, 07:26:58 AM »
This night, at my regular wake-up-in-the-middle-of the-night, I had a new thought/awareness: I'm forgiving myself for my NC with sis, LC with the rest of the FOO. A few old friends even. I may do so. I may give myself permission to forgive myself.
Regardless if 'they', or anybody else, will...

The past year(s) I have been rehashing, rethinking, ruminating, JADE-ing endlessly regarding my changed attitude and behavior towards them, and since I went NC with sis and LC with mom it has only increased. Both in amount as well as intensity. I keep judging myself, justifying myself. Towards 'them'. It's what has always been demanded of me!  :thumbdown:
Feel I have to justify it to others. And of course sometimes in reality I have to do that, explain 'it all'. A bit here, a bit there, a bit 'this' and a bit 'that'…

But tonight I felt, possibly for the first time, I can simply forgive myself for having had to make that decision, and having had to stick to it: the 'evidence' only kept piling up. Relentlessly.
I no longer have to justify it. I know why I did it, I know why I do it and I know why I will continue to do what I do. For better or worse.

I can now move forward with self-forgiveness. I have started to forgive me for it, and it takes a weight of my shoulders. Feels a bit unsettled though. New territory.
I hope I'll remember this thought/feeling many times to come. My Inner Critic will start to scream and shout some more, for sure. External pressure will continue to arrive. Explanations asked/demanded, disbelief encountered, shunning experienced: "You can't do that!" or "Shut up about it already!"
Yeah, that's what I thought too, for so long… I know where that's coming from…And also to where it leads…Alas.

May I have access to my self-compassion at those times and remember I have forgiven myself for this perceived transgression of the social 'Norm', and may I do so once more. And more. And m o r e…

This started out as just one paragraph.  :rofl:
I guess the need to JADE will only slowly fade.  ;D
But I've started to walk away from it.
One step at the time.  :whistling:
« Last Edit: October 17, 2015, 10:20:56 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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arpy1

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #25 on: October 17, 2015, 11:55:04 AM »
this is a big step towards freedom. excellent.  :applause:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2015, 01:45:45 PM »
More and more it's getting clear to me how harmful my Therapist'mom' has been. And how much it has contributed to the man I behave as nowadays.

A week ago I woke up, at night as has become usual, with a very powerful, liberating,'strange' feeling+thought: "Dutch, you can start looking from the inside outwards. There is no need (any more) to look from the outside inwards."
Very empowering.

And so the past week this has been sinking in deeper still, and I now know why I have been so afraid/shy/unaccustomed to "looking outwards, from inside": Whenever my 'mom' would visit, or me her, I have not been meeting my mother, but my therapist. And it is her who has always presented me with her view, the therapist's view, of my inner world.
Most of my efforts to express me, to be self-asserting, expressing my wants etc.: it has been met with this psycho-woman who started to analyze me. Pummeling me with her psycho-babble.
So any 'search' for me, has been met with an intrusive search 'in me' by my therapist. No wonder I have 'poor boundaries'.
I was not allowed to speak out from inside: the outside would speak for my inside.
The whole term "shrink" has suddenly become a very true experience, if only in hindsight.
I'm also now reminded of a very sick joke about therapists, which I will not tell here publicly because it's too gory. But it's very applicable in my case/experience. That'll do. Yuck!.

I didn't even hire her! She has imposed herself on me. Arrrggghhhh….  :pissed:

Well, today I have decided I must sack her. And tomorrow again. And the day after, again again until she is gone.

Sad thing is: I realize that it's not a far stretch to say that my mother has been kicked out/left when I was about 10, and was replaced by a therapist. Same for my brother and sister, and in the case of my dad: his spouse was kicked out and replaced by the therapist.
My mother has abandoned her family, and has send as a replacement a Family-Therapist, who did marriage-counseling on the side.
I will never meet the mother that left so long ago, again. She's been gone for about 40 years now. No way she can be traced. She might even be dead and buried. But even if I would somehow bump into her, or even if she would come actively looking for me, we would be total strangers, devided by decades of NC.
She has not seen her son grow up, and I have not seen her growing old.

Hey, Mrs. Therapist!
and impostor 'mom'...
You're FIRED.

This is what TherapistMom has learned along her way of becoming a therapist:


edited to add:
Two awesome links that I had found earlier, and quite probably paved the way to see 'the forest for the trees' in the end.
This one has been my first lightbulb-moment regarding Therapist-surrogate-Mom
(As in: I got validation for my suspicions. I must have had a 'suspicion' of some kind to start googling this subject, I'd say, though I have lost track on cause-and-effect in this matter)
 (Why am I JADE-ing to myself in my own bloody journal? "Arrgghh" :pissed: , says an Inner critic. "Cool down, you may take it easy on yourself", tells my Inner Nurturer me, "you just want to be thorough when going through these motions that will have a big and lasting impact on your and other peoples lives. You are (already) doing the right thing this way. Hush now baby, don't you cry." :kisscheek: )
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-margaret-paul/what-do-when-he-expects-you-be-his-therapist#.VME6Vktja0o
(Note: I did read it with a role reversal. More in vein of: "what-do-when-she-expects-herself-be-your-therapist."

And the second one I only started to read with more attention today (it's more like an academic paper, and very elaborate.) Especially the part on "Negative Impacts on the Family", about 2/5th down, really does strike a cord with me:
http://www.zurinstitute.com/therapistsfamilies.html

A related note I wrote to myself years ago:
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2524.msg15777#msg15777
« Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 07:06:14 AM by Dutch Uncle »

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arpy1

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2015, 04:58:33 PM »
this is amazing  Dutch Uncle. and very powerful.
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So any 'search' for me, has been met with an intrusive search 'in me' by my therapist. No wonder I have 'poor boundaries'.
I was not allowed to speak out from inside: the outside would speak for my inside.

The whole term "shrink" has suddenly become a very true experience, if only in hindsight.

these sentences, partic the bolded ones are very powerful and revealing for me too, thanks for sharing.

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I will never meet the mother that left so long ago, again.
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She has not seen her son grow up, and I have not seen her growing old.

this breaks my heart for you dear D/U.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

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woodsgnome

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #28 on: November 12, 2015, 06:11:04 PM »
Hey, Dutch :wave:

Reading this reminded me of a song, so I posted it over in the music thread.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Journal of a Dutch Uncle (possible triggers on just about anything)
« Reply #29 on: November 12, 2015, 07:07:39 PM »
Thanks, both of you.

And woodsgnome: what a fitting musical reply as well.  :thumbup: