Functioning "in public", collapsing in private

[flookadelic]

Thank you Shroedinger's Cat. My life implosion in 2005 was so severe it kind of fractured the mechanism that gave rise to the implosion and much else besides. Still didn't know I had CPTSD until last year, but it helped me to understand what turned out to be my CPTSD as a wound and not an enemy and to change my relationship with it accordingly. In fact before 2005 I had no idea it was possible to have a relationship with it! I was so caught up in declaring an inner war against it that it blinded me to other options.

There is a degree of serenity that is fractured several times a day...well...a lot more than that thinking about it. But I know what to do when it is fractured to return me to a sense of peace relatively quickly. It took a life implosion but then it was rooted so deeply only an explosion / implosion was ever going to loosen it for me. Simply because it went unaddressed for over 30 years. I am not saying that this is for everyone! We are all different, we are all discovering the best way for ourselves to move forward on an individual level. I really respect that and have no wish to be prescriptive.

Anger does come along. When I got my diagnosis it was if a fraction of all the anger and disgust I held against myself for decades finally went out to the perpetrators. I barely ate or slept. I was furious. Fortunately one day I picked up pencil and paper and began to draw. Turned out that art is a very healthy way to process and release anger. Thank goodness.

[flookadelic]

Rain, our posts crossed! I have had eye movement thingy and found it helpful in taking the edge of some specifics which is great The biggest issue in all of it was that my parents became born again when I was 10 and both of them changed overnight. It was like the invasion of the body snatchers in there. Really. Suddenly they stopped treating me as a child and instead saw me purely as a soul in need of Jesus instead and started to pile on the pressure. And they never stopped.

I had such an amazing friendship and closeness to my mother before this abrupt change out of nowhere. Now I know it was a weird form of bereavement...a weird form of abandonment. They only ever meant well...I always knew that and perhaps that's what saved me at the end of the day. But my mum disappeared into a cloud of signs and wonders and I never really saw her properly again. Oddly enough the moment she died I suddenly remembered how we were once the best and closest of friends. What a waste. What a sad, useless waste.

Anyways...I do now understand that the vast amount of Christians are Christians and not some bunch of insane fundies! And I really do understand why they sought religion so uncompromisingly. It all helps to give some perspective and that is vital when the CPTSD hits.

Thank you so much for being here. Seeing my experiences mirrored and deeply understood, reading some excellent advice and resources. Experiencing the genuine affection and concern here. It really does mean A Lot. Flooky

[flookadelic]

"Who among you
Would think that such a night of tortured travelling could
give rise to such a glorious morning?" - The Incredible String Band.

The nightmare reasserts, is released into that morning of love and compassion, reasserts, is released onto that morning of love and compassion, reasserts etc etc etc. It takes a lot of effort but the alternative, to look at the nightmare and add my anger, resentment, grief and frustration to the mix because I think that doing so will make the nightmare go away...I'd rather have a bunch of mornings throughout the day than try sitting on the lid, keeping the trauma down for as long as my defences are up. It is work but because love is in the mix it will always feel meaningful and right. I have a pretty sane mind running along a pretty wounded and screwed up brain...trying to live alongside my brain in ways that free me from it rather than brings us both together in a pact from *. Again, my approach and others will have theirs which I totally respect.

[Rain]

Hugs flookadelic ...yup. and the nightmare "bull" swooshes by you, and goes down the cliff.

The more gardens of healing are cleared, the clearer your brain will become.

Well done, flook.    Well done.   

[flookadelic]

Thank you Rain Most kind. Bye bye bull!

[voicelessagony2]

Hi flook Thank you for sharing your struggles. I feel a little less lonely, a little more understood.

Do ypu think its ever possible to rewire / rewrite such deeply embedded neural pathways totally?

I wonder the same thing. I will keep trying until the day I die.

[flookadelic]

Hi Voiceless...yeah...it seens that cptsd has set out our life mission  , to recover from our wounded brains as best we can. I spent a long time quite miserable  over the possibility that my brain would always be abusive and prone to self hate & shame. But then I considered how far I have come. And that evrn if the crap doesn't get rewired / re-routed at least I can live in a much kinder compassionate space towards it. Thank you for your kind words. It is such a comfort to know ones own experiences have helped another and that we are so much more than we have been taught to believe we are! That alone is a wonderful and strengthening fact.

[stella.h]

I know I'm a little late to this conversation as I just discovered this website tonight...

And, I have to say, my heart kind of exploded with relief at reading what all of you had to say: I'm not the only one!!!

I live two lives: one that involves the things people know about (i.e., did I show up for work? Do I look like I brushed my hair? Am I "behaving" like a "normal" person so that everyone will like me and I'll feel sort of safe for a little while?) and the things no one knows about (i.e., the state of affairs in my house, the unpaid bills, the debt, the eating only peanut butter and yogurt for days on end, the sleeping 20 hours a day, the lying about "car trouble" so I don't have to leave the house).

Thank you all for sharing your truth. I feel so much less alone tonight, in this dark night of the soul.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh goodness, yes. This constant manoevring and trickstering so I can present to the world a reasonably competent-looking facade.    Something I've begun to suspect during the past few weeks is, this constant public-functioning and private-collapsing is made a LOT worse if you're not just traumatized, but also highly sensitive. Do you think you could be a highly sensitive person? I noticed that simply just making sure I'm not constantly overwhelmed by sensory input makes things easier - so if I'm heading into town and the town centre is full of people, I'm walking slowly now instead of rushing everywhere, and if I can, I head through the less busy side streets.

Welcome to Out of the Storm, by the way. Glad you found us.

[flookadelic]

Hello Stella h!

I have got to the point where I also live two lives inside my own head, my traumatised brain pumps out the trauma based thought and feelings and my mind, running parallel to it processes and by passes and transcends it and disproves it any old way it can. my experience is defined by the relationship one has to the other.


I have noticed that over the past couple of years I have become more reclusive. I just haven't the energy to engage with people on an everyday level any more. It sounds far more depressing than it is. I just prioritise and staying out of the way wins as it has far more appeal than trying to engage with the world in all but either most practical or political ways...things that I feel most passionate about. But even those are stymied by my fibromyalgia.

I feel pretty neutral towards a lot of thoughts that used to crease me "I f**** hate myself" "I'm a useless c****" and so forth. It's just neural pathways throwing up thoughts that have no basis in reality. My biggest trigger thoughts are towards my perpetrators...I don't want to feel angry or upset or sickened or abandoned. But they have been far more evident since diagnosis of PTSD and latterly of CPTSD. I suppose that's providing the next round of acceptance and forgiveness practice. If I may quote from my own website...

"The Greek word for forgiveness is 'apethis' which literally translates as "releasing" or "letting go". But releasing what?

Releasing the negativity, the frustration, the anger (and more) that we uselessly, and consistently, hold onto when we are hurt; because those feelings drive our unhappy and repetitive thinking, robbing us of the possibility of peace.

We are weakened by our propensity to hold onto our grievances at the times we need all the strength we can muster, because we are holding onto that which drains and weakens us. Frustration, regret, resentment...and other useless and draining emotions. In this sense, acceptance and forgiveness represent a liberation from our own personal negativity; an opportunity to let go of such damaging feelings."

[voicelessagony2]

Welcome to OOTS, stella.h    I'm so glad you found us!

Just to add to the train of thought here... it just recently occurred to me that the level of success I have had at "faking it" to get along in life has actually backfired, because now that I want to talk about trauma and the hard work I have begun, I have found that I have to be very selective about who I talk to because everyone who knows me thinks I'm faking or exaggerating the trauma, the exact opposite of reality. It's probably easier for people to accept the idea that I'm exaggerating the struggle because I've done such a good job of keeping it secret.

*sigh* oh well, someday I will find a way to show people in a way that makes sense, what it is like in here. That is now my life's mission and purpose - educate and hopefully help others who are struggling.

[fairyslipper]

Another piece of the puzzle just clicked into place for me tonight. I have found my tribe.    Reading all of this tonight made so many things that have confused me for the past couple years make so much sense. I need and plan to read through this several more times. Thank you so much for sharing. There are things written about here that I have felt for quite sometime and thought about but have never told anybody. I still feel confused about some of it.....but it is like the door has cracked open and a bit of light has made its way into the corners. It is weird, but I would have to say my life has drastically changed over the last probably 3 years. When my parents did what they did and walked out of my life, moved 1200 miles away to live near my golden child brother and never even said goodbye........there has been a hole, a sadness there, that has never gone completely away. I do feel like having them gone has been so much better for me in almost every way. The critic isn't quite as loud anymore, and that is huge. Yet I do feel so "different" because nobody I know has had this happen to them, being abandoned by their entire family...........and I think that was the beginning of the kind of things shared on this thread.....for me. I FEEL different.......when I am out I feel shame, but I do my best to hide it.......at home I feel like a huge load has been lifted. Like I am free as soon as I come in. I also feel that freedom when I am out hiking for miles and miles in the woods and mountains....I love that.  I have finally stopped shaming myself for my at home behavior. Like that saying that is so popular right now says "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." Well I have started being kind to myself just recently and it feels very good...because I AM fighting a battle...that nobody sees........my husband does a little, but mainly I journal and talk to my dogs  I don't find myself wanting to share this, because it is so raw and so vulnerable. This thread really brought a lot of things to light for me......a new beginning 

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here. I used to feel so absolutely ashamed for being so "weak", for "lacking motivation", or whatever other labels I and others were using. That I was taught to ignore my problems (the implication being: "and then you'll realize they were never real and that you're just over-dramatizing things")... it made matters worse. Hiding things takes up energy. Hiding how emotionally exhausted I was actually exhausted me yet more. It was yet ANOTHER thing I had to pretend to be fine about... which caused EFs, which exhausted me still more. Glorious.   

If anyone would have told me a few years ago that one way of fixing my exhaustion/demotivation is accepting it and talking about it, I'd have told him this is wishful thinking. But there we go - the facts are what they are. I think: "gosh, I'm knackered", and hey, I'm feeling better already. Very bizarre.

[flookadelic]

 

I have finally stopped shaming myself for my at home behavior.

Wow. There in a nutshell the division between outside and indoirs alone behaviour.

I am delighted you have found this corner of the net Fairyslipper. "Rarely are members of the same family born under the same roof" - Richard Bach. I was also astounded when I first read others experiences that mirrored my own. It was and still is a big help to me to know we are not alone. To be inspired and to also help lift those of us who need it from time to time. Glad you made it here :-)

[marycontrary]

No, we are not alone...* of a great group.