Functioning "in public", collapsing in private

voicelessagony2 · February 03, 2015, 06:59:04 PM

Welcome to the tribe, fairyslipper!

I know exactly how you feel, about finding this place. I am just beginning recovery too, with many, many misdiagnoses and false starts along the way, but now I see some light!

And I have people to share the struggle with, that is SOOOOO important and I was so aware of that, and frustrated b/c I could not find any, but here they are!

Again, welcome, and best of luck to you.

fairyslipper · February 04, 2015, 06:41:32 AM

Cat........yes, yes, and yes, to EVERYTHING you said.

I used to hear 'don't dwell on it,' or 'don't be so sensitive' so often they are forever ingrained in my head. Or when something would happen and I would try to share with my mom, she was always there to one up it and tell me how much worse she had it. It is definitely programmed into us. You start hiding your real feelings and it is exhausting, because we are living such an inauthentic life and our body knows it and quickly tires of it. We just shut down on so many levels. You know, today, well actually last night.......I was feeling like I needed to spend a day in bed, with the dogs watching tv and journaling

........so today, just like I planned, that is exactly what I did. I laid in bed until I WANTED to get up and did not feel the least bit bad about it. And the rest of my day was very productive. I used to feel very guilty about days like this, but then it was like walk a day in my shoes or a week ha ha and then we'll talk. I really let myself FEEL my feelings now. And thankfully I no longer feel guilt for that either. I used to terribly!

Flookadelic....thank you so much

I love that quote too. It is healing just to KNOW we are not alone in our feelings and to accept, really accept that they are not our fault. I am so happy I made it here too. Thanks!

marycontrary.......couldn't agree more. Very strong too!

voicelessagony2.......so nice to meet you too.........that light is so encouraging.....I feel the same way and wish you the very same.

schrödinger's cat · February 04, 2015, 11:59:44 AM

Quote from: fairyslipper on February 04, 2015, 06:41:32 AMI really let myself FEEL my feelings now. And thankfully I no longer feel guilt for that either. I used to terribly!

Oh, same here. Just the simple fact of feeling exhausted was enough to push all my panic buttons. MUST HIDE! MUST HIDE! Because if I didn't, there'd be a danger of rejection/"good advice"/criticism/abuse. It still takes quite a bit for me to realize that (a) I'm entitled to a bit of exhaustion, (b) it's safe now, and (c) taking a break will actually make me less exhausted. Fancy that. (A part of me still has "taking breaks" and "taking it slow" filed under "dangerous sign of weakness that will have the sharks home in for the kill").

So hooray for your nice relaxed morning with your dogs!

I'm actually doing something like that too: picking up my kid from school always triggers a mild, mild EF. My daily lunchtime EF, as it were. Mild, but annoying. So today, I'm taking twenty minutes to have a cup of tea and just relax. Ever since I spent a year in the UK, I've got "tea" filed under "things that fix everything", it's funny.

C. · February 04, 2015, 10:51:39 PM

I was reading through the beginning of this thread and I love it. I know that there were a few "titles"given for this experience and reality.

In working with my T I know that at my previous job it was so emotionally soul sucking and unhealthy that between work and parenting had very little energy for more than dinner, personal and home hygiene.

It was after I was "fired" from my job and found a new one the following day that I finally had the time and, ironically, the money, to start working on the harder part of healing and recovery through this forum.

I enjoy my hobbies now sporadically. I liked the idea here of simplifying things. Some people know about my new focus on simply purifying my spaces with sage as a first step, the beading and dancing will come when I'm ready. I think that my next step will be to "play with my rocks again. I have a plate with beautiful stones that may have healing properties if you believe in that kind of thing. Either way simply holding them til they're warm, then moving them around, is pleasant.

I love Netflix series that deal with Adult Survivors. Orange is the New Black and Saving Grace have been two favorites. Now I've been identifying with people who've "fallen from grace" so to speak, feeling kicked out of my profession in my small community so I'm finding some "story" that I can identify with there.

I have spent much of my life "helping" people who live in "poverty" and are experiencing "crisis." After I had my major life crisis I started commenting when appropriate that "middle class people have as much drama, domestic violence, pain, addiction, etc. as those in poverty. they just don't talk about it to anyone. and they're good at hiding it." The point being that as is stated here so many times maintaining that facade is emotionally exhausting. I was likening our reality to running from a tiger in caveman days. It's like social situations create a level of stress that is very real. So whatever one can do to merge the two realities becoming more authentic in both places, the better.

Maybe the title would be "tuckered out from the tiger chase" haha

I guess my point is that I've found ways to "collapse" in private that hopefully lift me up a little, or at the very least don't pull me down. I found myself feeling guilty for needing to rest and recharge my energy, guilt doesn't help either.

fairyslipper · February 05, 2015, 09:17:41 AM

It really does and then when you throw in the double whammy of maybe not being honest with yourself about what you feel and why.....the guilt is hugely exhausting on top of it. It is funny as I sit here typing this, it feels a bit foggy like coming out of a cloud in a sense after reading all the posts here and having them tick so many boxes, yet still being in a place of somewhat confusion about all of it. I have NEVER read anything like this thread so vividly describing so much of what I have felt every single day now for the better part of three years. It is lessening. I am coming out of it, but getting to the bottom of it and taking that first step toward understanding it is huge. So thankful for this thread! I thoroughly enjoyed my day yesterday, thank you. I hope you enjoyed your tea. That sounded like a perfect time out with space for beautiful nurturing and self care. I am right there with you.........a fellow tea lover

It does have magical powers doesn't it?

Tonight I was having more anxiety than I have had for a little while........I went for a brisk walk and then did a yoga practice with a lot of twists, to help with the anxiety. I used to feel bad about doing that too...taking an hour or so for me. But not any more. I felt so much better after. The anxiety had completely gone away. Sounds like we are on a very similar path, and it feels amazing little by little taking our power back doesn't it?

C.....it is so nice to see it validated and explained.........I would love to hear more about your rocks. We have some land higher up in the mountains than where we live that has a huge area of crystal, amethyst and black tourmaline. I have brought so much home. I was really drawn to the tourmaline and had no idea why, other than loving how it looked....so different.......then I read the qualities of the rocks.....I was pretty blown away. I have always felt such a positive vibe and lightness when we visit that area. There has to be something to it! Anything that naturally lifts you up, is a good thing in my book

The path you are on sounds very exciting also. And taking care of ourselves after social situations that are difficult to say the least is the start of really good self care........and definitely leads to more authenticity. It feels so uncomfortable at first because it is so foreign to us........like the brain has to rewire and go........ok, this IS good for me

and get rid of the lousy programming we have lived with for so long. This thread is very enlightening and a springboard for so much promise coming in our lives. I need to keep reading it!

Kizzie · February 05, 2015, 10:12:53 PM

I feel enormous pride in us when I read through threads like this and see the kind and generous (and of course very smart

) people we are. What a wonderful tribe to belong to!

C. · February 08, 2015, 10:34:46 PM

Fairslipper,

You have a beautiful way of describing and validating what's been written so far. Thank you. As for the rocks, wow I could go on and on. I've become cautious b/c I know some people see it as new age fufu make believe lol But like has been shown here so much that works is later explained through science...we just don't know yet. I collected agates as a child and have always loved looking at rocks. A few years ago a friend of mine became a Reiki apprentice which is when I started to view rocks as more than simply a hobby. Through the group of Reiki people I discovered the whole concept of energy.

All of this reminds me a bit about nutrition. People from Western philisophical healing perspectives use to separate what we eat from our health. Then the properties of foods and the specific positive and negative affects have been studied and gradually proven.

I feel that the same type of potential exists in minerals. But they have tactile energy properties that can positively affect us through energy. I don't know a lot but have been told which rocks for which properties that related to my needs. Like pink rose quartz is associated with "self" love (I prefer to think of self as my soul to define this type of love.) So if a rock has properties that you need, when you hold it in your hand it will warm up. Also, many have a strong intuition on what they need or works for them. I love the story about Tourmaline that you mention...what happens when you hold the stones?

Anyway, that's a little more about another topic. I too am very happy that you found this community!

Whobuddy · February 09, 2015, 01:06:20 AM

Quote from: C. on February 08, 2015, 10:34:46 PM

I feel that the same type of potential exists in minerals. But they have tactile energy properties that can positively affect us through energy. I don't know a lot but have been told which rocks for which properties that related to my needs. Like pink rose quartz is associated with "self" love (I prefer to think of self as my soul to define this type of love.) So if a rock has properties that you need, when you hold it in your hand it will warm up. Also, many have a strong intuition on what they need or works for them. I love the story about Tourmaline that you mention...what happens when you hold the stones?

I am so happy that I am not the only one here that appreciates rocks! I have quite a collection from rock shops that were "calling me." I almost always wear or have a rock with me. Somehow I decided that since rocks have been here since the earth began they must know things. Then I found out there are books about their properties, etc. Anyway, I like having them around.

I read somewhere that it is neurologically soothing to rub your thumb on a stone.

Anamiame · February 09, 2015, 05:37:22 AM

Very interesting. I thought I did that because I'm sick, not from the CPTSD. Hmmm.

fairyslipper · February 09, 2015, 05:50:21 AM

This truly is an amazing tribe!!!

I love it here!

I have always been drawn to rocks for their beauty and collect heart shaped stones too. This area is very new to me as far as the energy and everything......but there really is something to it.......I believe. And things that I have read really support that too. It is exciting, I think. It is fun reading what you guys wrote here about them. So much beauty in this world........

After being on this thread, I have been paying more attention to how I "feel" when going out. Yesterday we had a busy day of running around, and meeting people. I could not believe how I felt a full on panic almost before leaving the house. But then when I was finally caught up in the actual going and doing, it did ease off. I was trying to be super mindful of the experience.

1. I hear a lot of shoulds going through my brain....pressure to get EVERYTHING done that needs to get done before leaving the house...sooo I delegated

and asked my husband to do a couple things while I got ready.

2. Once we left the house, lots of what-ifs were playing through my mind.......and then as if they had already happened, I felt this out of nowhere really, irritability start up.......and I thought my husband does not need me in an irritable mood for something imaginary especially and something he did not cause........so I tried to get a grip and did some deep breathing which helped. By the time we got to the first person's house......I was feeling normal and the rest of the day went pretty well, honestly.

3. I allowed myself a special treat as far as junk food lol for making it through the day. I don't do that too often, and it was fun. I splurged on a couple of things. And then I told myself that I could take care of me tomorrow and sleep in if I needed to. It was like just giving myself this permission eased my tension a lot too. I slept great and had a really good day today, without all that fallout I usually have.

Thank you so much for this thread for the awareness it provides..........by being aware we can take control back. Before reading this thread I would just ride the wave and now I feel like I have some control again.

voicelessagony2 · February 09, 2015, 07:29:31 PM

I felt like chiming in on the rock conversation.

I'm a skeptic at heart, and I tend to categorize as "woo" anything that is not directly proven with math and science - competent math and science, too, I am not fooled by so-called "studies" that do not provide study methodology information such as how the data was collected, who did the study, is the source reliable or somebody with an ulterior motive to prove a point, etc....

However, I also have an avid interest in quantum physics and quantum mechanics, and the scientific world has soooo much to learn in this field, and they do not yet have answers for certain things. For example, the double slit photon experiment proves only that certain things can only be measured as probabilities, because the act of observation seems to change the outcome. Quantum entanglement experiments have proven that the state of two atoms miles apart can be accurately predicted if they are entangled.

Which brings me to rocks... someone in this thread said something about rocks being here since the beginning of the earth... actually, if you think about it, they have been in existence long before the earth, the same matter that makes up the moon, the asteroid belt, other planets... We are all made of star stuff, so who is to say that this star matter we hold in our hands does not have some effect that we might even discover someday, at the quantum level?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnMIhxWRGNw

Kizzie · February 09, 2015, 08:06:16 PM

Hi Folks - I normally lock a thread at 5 pages but let this go a bit as I didn't want to interrupt the flow of this thread, but I think it's OK to do so here. I've set it as a "Sticky" becasue it is an important topic and new members will be able to find it and read it more easliy.

Please feel free to start a new thread on the topic, a part 2 if you will