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[Boatsetsailrose]

I was just this minute having a conversation with someone about anger and pain ...
Yes that denial was there for me in varied forms and I can see it was trying to protect me -
As time has gone on seeing enough to work with and gaining support to start to make sense of 'the inside jungle'

Psychological damage is confusing - I still get glimmers of 'was it really that bad ' ? 'Am I just making it up, blowing it out of proportion ...
But now I know the answer is yes it was that bad - the effects have been devastating on my life ...
When I expressed anything as u point to I got bad consequences - even when I expressed illness
I was a quiet child and I discovered food addiction as a way to cope so would hide in my bedoom and eat - it felt good

I can relate to the present day anger that you describe - for me it's been about learning the middle ground ( emotional regulation stuff and compassion for self -
My learnt pattern is hide and fix on something ( numb out) and get low mood or shout and then feel guilty -
It's very current for me at the moment that I am learning a new way - ( I've had enough of shouting and being low ) fighting . I am learning to feel my feelings and hang back - talk - write - do something physical and then approach things in a less emotional state - as u point to the anger as a consequence of another emotion - pain fear etc .. Learning to accept where I am at and my current experience is a new thing for me and it feels good - I'm not so reactive and it feels I am growing
Hating ourselves for symptoms of cptsd is fruitless and detrimental and I feel v grateful to have people the forum therapy and books to aid me in understanding I have a condition which needs to be treated and cared for just like any illness - learning that I am not a bad person has been a vast key in the door
I believe we can have control over the symptoms and start to heal it just is a process with the right support
Best wishes

[IFeelSoAlone]

For the longest time I would always bottle my emotions, and I actually still tend to so this.  However, much like you I have also tried practicing a better way to direct my emotions rather than just lash out.  I love to write, and though I am sure I could write an entire novel by now, I love to write poetry.  Ever since I was in high school I have written probably close to 150 poems. Some of them are dark and frightening when it comes to the topics, others are hopeful.  What is written is a reflection of the emotion that was going on at that time in my life.

As for the hating myself, I have that. I feel like I did something to deserve what happened to me, and I hate myself for doing whatever it was that made it that way.  Again, there is plenty that I understand logically, but still have yet to actually believe.  I beat myself up for everything and I take the blame for so many things just because it saves arguing, and others from reaping the consequences  I am glad that was my choice.