Running Away

[woodsgnome]

Once upon a time, I learned this – Love hurts; trust destroys. And then...I ran away. [***trigger possibilities, mostly early**]

I was in my mid-teens. What caused me to run was surreal —something, spirit maybe (?), overtook my entire being. Whatever it was, I'm forever grateful it did. 

[***Possible Triggers ahead***] My earliest memories involve too many sexual/emotional molestations from the m, abandonment by the f, and a feeling I was never wanted to begin with. The only time the m smiled in my presence was after her "visits", usually in bathrooms. She finally stopped  when I was 9, I think because the f caught on. Other highly emotional stuff is in there, but too much grief for me to relate.     

I was sent off to a quasi-religious school where I was molested by teachers in grades K, 3 & 4, and regularly beaten and shamed into their violent version of life, oddly strewn with love words.

I also became severely asthmatic, and many nights were spent plopped in the chair set out for me, left alone while the f scurried back to the roost if the meds kicked in. The m? No, she left all med stuff to the f. No teddy, no storybooks, nothing, no loving anything the rest of the night. 

Typical. So when the high school years rolled around, it was "well, where you gonna go?" Stupidly I picked a school run by the same folks as the earlier den of horrors—all I can say is that my adolescent mind figured they told me they had truth, and I thought they must have answers to life and that, being older, I'd learn the secret. My guilt for that early teen decision has haunted me endlessly. Only in recent years have I forgiven myself (forgive them? NO  ). I realized I was innocent, not only in years but in naivete; I've even read where this is true of some people trapped in dark situations, where they fear the unknown more than what they've come to know, bad as it is.

High school turned sour quick, with its message of "adopt our beliefs; start by hating those not like us, then hate yourself, you're no good."  Mentoring? They didn't even have counselors. There was one really good English teacher, but he was gone within a year.

I couldn't make friends anymore; it was odd, as my peers were sent there, but I'd actually chosen that *-hole! Those answers I thought were just around the corner? Nah. I did learn some things: I had a front row seat to bigotry, hatred, false values, and universal bullying. The only "values" I truly learned were: Love hurts and trust destroys you.

It took a long bus ride to get there—the place was suburban, and I lived in the city. So one morning, arriving at the school,  ... it felt like I was in a cloud, driven to just leave.No plans, the what-might-happen list, etc., just a knowingness to get out. It's like I blanked out but I was definitely conscious. So I just reversed course, at the door--turned around, started walking, passing all sorts of incoming staff, pupils, and other arrivals.

Several kids told me later they'd seen me, as did everyone, it seemed; yet no one stopped to ask what was going on, where I was off to, any of that—fairly typical for that den of trained dolts not to notice a zombie cruising by. Or care. Don't ask, don't tell (or be afraid to tell?). This was a school where everyone was spoonfed the "good samaritan" story...you know-helping?. Yeah, right.

Out on the street strangers, who did apparently find me odd, asked if I was going to another nearby school. Nope, I repied, and just plodded on—all that registered was I'm going...someplace.

The trek ended at home, an 18-mile hike by an asthmatic, which prompted the usual parental "ho-hum it's the kid" scenario; "well, think about going back tomorrow". I just holed up in a secret attic room, with my own pile of books around me, and a nice window to dream the day away.

I did go back the next day. And they were the same ("umm, where'd ya go? Oh."), and I was even deemed not worth beating anymore, I guess...truly a lost cause, so that was a plus. Know what? I'm soooooooooo proud that however that day happened, somehow there was a spirit that got me there, that pushed me back out the door...and maybe the message was that there really was a me to be found, and like, and be...myself, 'cause in the end that was all I had left.

There were still dark times, per usual; interestingly, though, I reversed course in other ways; my sense of humour emerged big-time from its hiding spot, I aced all the courses the "good" kids couldn't come close to matching and which literally horrified the faculty.  Except I made a point of failing the required religion stuff, got suspended a bunch, again to my delight and their horror. Now I had a different script, and I liked this play better.

Sorry this took so many words—I just wanted to share the discovery that sometimes there are unexplained events  that may help us turn the corner. I have more faith in that than the faith they tried to beat into me.

My cptsd repercussions are still huge...many days are still just one succession of triggers and EF's. And I know I'm a Freezer—I still carry that lesson of love hurts, trust destroys. Overcoming that may at last be the real destination I was headed for that day. Still traveling. Thanks for listening.

[Trees]

Woodsgnome, that is quite a journey you survived.   Lots of hideous events.  Lost of being lost and all alone when you were so young.  Appearing odd to others, that is something I can really relate to.  Also to being so trapped in the dark that all decisions are made in great ignorance.

Hugs to you as you work to emerge from this history and reclaim the IC.   

[KayFly]

woodsgnome,

Thank you for sharing. Trigger alert >> I relate with having many molests and abandonment from my parents at such a young age. I can't believe your story.  That is so much. I don't know what to say.

I really like how you spoke to your innocence. I feel like we forget we are innocent, in the midst of being hurt so badly.

I think you are a beautiful writer, and I am glad you are one of the survivors who believes there is a better light out of such dark places, like we have talked about before.

I am really inspired by you and you make me feel safe here. I'm so glad you are here 

K

[basically0kkim]

Thanks for opening up, woodsgnome. I still have trouble saying some of the truths out loud even in writing. When I chose this thread, it was because I was literally a runner. All of my repeated reports of physical/emotional/sexual abuse were dismissed by all I confided them to. So I did the only thing I could of think of to do. I ran. Often. Lived under bridges or in abandoned buildings until caught and hauled back to the abuse. I was always looking for a safe place. I was deemed incorrigible and placed in a group home for girls. I was the first in this new facility and the house parents were fresh out of college. And I was home! Literally. All the rules were spelled out and I knew what was expected of me. Eventually, I was able to make eye contact and speak in complete sentences. But all progress was used to "qualify" to return to the "family" so I would act out to lose privileges so I could stay. I never got brave enough to explain what drove me to run and when I was returned to my parents after two years, I just became more adept at running. Thanks again for helping me to open up, too. Keep sharing for yourself and for those like me, looking for examples of such bravery. Peace.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for sharing your touching story, woodsgnome.

There were still dark times, per usual; interestingly, though, I reversed course in other ways; my sense of humour emerged big-time from its hiding spot, I aced all the courses the "good" kids couldn't come close to matching and which literally horrified the faculty.  Except I made a point of failing the required religion stuff, got suspended a bunch, again to my delight and their horror. Now I had a different script, and I liked this play better.

May your journey bring you ever farther away from past experiences.
An awesome turn around you have made. Hats off!