Confusion and unanswered questions (trigger warnings????)

[Vrizzy]

I think this is the right place to put this? I've looked over the forum and can't find anywhere else soooooo....anyways, hello again. I've got some questions that have arisen from my life and from my research into C-PTSD. I've read the causes post and it did not mention  bullying or social neglect by peers to be a possible cause...(also I put trigger warnings in the subject because I did not know if some words I say will trigger people. Sorry about that ^^")

Can these cause C-PTSD especially on someone who already has abandonment issues? And by cumulative events do they mean events happening the same year, Evert year, or can there be years in between events?

Maybe if I tell you my story it might help my weird questions to make sense. I'm sorry ahead of time for being long-winded and for if I'm wrong. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by my thinking I have C-PTSD if it turns out I don't.

I've had abandonment issues since infancy. My family treats me with love and are there for me. Many of the other children used to be excited to see me but I was so shy I had a hard time and eventually they supposedly gave up. My parents saw that I was a bit different from other children and wanted to get me help with my motor skills and stuff but nobody would listen to them. People thought they, especially my mother, were just overly concerned first time parents. (It turns out that my parents were right and I've got Asperger's, Depression, ADHD, and three different Anxiety disorders.) Anyways, in third grade everything started going downhill. I had a teacher whom was not the nicest. I had been struggling with my math assignment and my teacher ended up leaving me alone in a semi-darkened room while the rest of the class went to an assembly or some other such thing. Being alone and the dark were my two biggest fears when I was a child. I was sobbing when the librarian found me. The principal tried to make me say it never happened. Middle school was the worst because even after being diagnosed, the others (different children than before) still shunned me. The girls would surround me when I was panicking and not let me get away to breathe and recollect. Granted I did not really explain this to them but I did ask them to stop. Also, we were in middle school so I guess I understand that we were silly children and did not always understand each other. During middle school, which was a very very small school with single digit numbers of students per class, I had a friend. She stayed for a year but she ended up leaving. Then I met a new person whom became my best friend. But she had to move to another school a year or so afterward. We stayed in touch and were friends up until recently when she moved to another state and stopped talking to me because of that. After she had left during middle school, I was basically on my own save for two people I spoke with on occasion and stood up for me but were older than I. I wasn't popular and was the butt of some jokes by some of the boys in my class. The girls would leave me out of things (supposedly because I was emotionally immature) and wouldn't let me help them with any problems even though they tried to help me with mine and I wanted to return the favor. My eighth grade year was especially rough since my two friends who stood up for me had graduated and my whole class got into arguments that would last the entire day, usually ending with one or more of us in tears. This and the following reconnection with old friends are all I really remember from middle school and partially only because I've asked my family what I've told them and I have a relatively good memory. Many of the finer details have been lost to me. Almost as if I blocked everything out. Now, one of the only good things to come out of middle school was reconnecting with a friend I had from my dance class when I was younger as well as her brother. He and I eventually developed crushes on each other but with a two year age difference and his sister not wanting us to date, it didn't go anywhere. (We were too young anyways.)

In high school, I yet again reconnected with the old friend from my dance class and some other people I had know in elementary school. I also made some new friends and generally got along with people. I started maturing and becoming happier than I had in a few years. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He and I were like Hans and Anna from Frozen (sorry, spoilers! ^^") except we knew each other for a year before we started dating. We were happy (only his mother was a bit of a control freak which annoyed me). He and I already planned out our future together. I knew he was going into the navy after graduating but I didn't care because I loved him. Well, nine months in he went to visit his grandparents for a few days. When he came back it all went sour. The day he got back he was gonna take me to his Youth Group which had done for almost our whole relationship. That morning he had texted me telling me he loved me. That evening when he came to pick me up he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. He was trying to protect me and though I think it's nice he was trying to help me I still think that what he did was stupid. A while down the road I was finally able to get with my childhood crush, whom I've been dating for three years. (He's the Kristoff to my Anna) He treats me like a princess and has called me a goddess on several occasions. He even bought me two bracelets, one with a heart and the other with an infinity symbol to represent our infinite love for each other since he knows I have abandonment issues.

Thankfully my abandonment issues have gotten better due to my cutting ties with a guy I had been friends with for two years before finding out he was psychologically manipulating me. I felt I had to walk on eggshells around him and I've caught him in so many lies that I've lost count of them all. He (without saying it outright) limited who I was and basically ended up treating me terribly. He did this all so sneakily that it made me look like the bad guy. He and the other three people that were in a friend group of our's, would say I was being manipulative when I asked for help from them, even when I explained to them many times that I can't always word things correctly and sometimes get scared to ask if they'll abandon me outright because I've heard that people will leave if you ask them that too much. Then, later, I'd ask them if I was manipulative and they'd tell me no. This is only part of it but I feel as if going on would breach their privacy too much and bore you all to tears. (The privacy thing is partially why I'm a bit vague and don't mention names because even if I'm still slightly mad at some of these people I respect their right to privacy.)

From all of this I've had what seem to be-based on descriptions I've found here-to be Emotional Flashbacks. I've seen children who were shunned and socially awkward that were about middle school aged and have started disassociating and wanting to run and hide because of it. Sometimes people I love will say things that others-whom have hurt me-have said and I start panicking that they are like those people and am so scared that I sometimes have curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and refused to move for several minutes. People aren't always around to witness these things and I don't always vocalize them but my boyfriend and best friends can kinda tell when this is happening. My boyfriend is especially good at it and can calm me down from a full blown panic attack just by holding me close. He can even detect my moods over text even when I've tried to act like nothing's wrong. My closest best friend, whom is like family to me, has witnessed some of these moments but one of them happened after I cut ties with my old friend. Basically I read something my boyfriend had sent me and remembered something that the manipulative friend had told me because of it. I thrust my phone towards them and started sobbing in the middle of us walking back to their dorm room. (Thankfully this was during summer courses so not many people were around.)

There's probably other things I've done or said but I'm slightly tired so my brain isn't working the best at the moment. Please, once again, forgive my long-windiness, possible inaccuracy, vagueness, and possibly confusing explanations. Um thanks for you time and I hope I didn't bore everyone to tears or come across as a manipulative person! ^^"

[woodsgnome]

Your post is very touching, Vrizzy. The rawness, the feelings, the painful, awkward, and beautiful process of speaking what needs saying. But you've never found a voice for it, and it's scary to try. But you have finally...Congratulations    , and thanks. Your expressions have helped me, and I appreciate that.

You wrote: "I've read the causes post and it did not mention  bullying or social neglect by peers to be a possible cause..."
I was also bullied by peers. What made it truly awful is they were egged on by teachers who seemed to enjoy that power to shame and humiliate. Part of it was an idealistic streak I had; I really wanted to learn, despite already having had truly horrid home experiences, and the other kids were just, well, there as it was something you do. So yes, bullying was definitely a part of what is known as cptsd in my experience.

You also wrote: "Can these cause C-PTSD especially on someone who already has abandonment issues? And by cumulative events do they mean events happening the same year, Evert year, or can there be years in between events?"
For sure...I had severe abandonment issues that have led to EF's and triggers decades later.

Just last year I encountered a person so like one of my previous teachers that I had everything to do to get out and stay away. Others who knew of this wondered how I could "over-react" as they called it. I'm actually steeling myself for the possibility I may well have to see this person soon for a project I'm working on. I'm going to need lots to get me there and through, I know.

Once I thought I was on pretty clear ground in a previous career move, and ran smack into the same situation. Details don't matter so much as to relate that it's no exaggeration the debilitating and repetitive nature of these scenarios. And the draining work to make sense of any of it or derive comfort from it, to even recognize a path out it becomes so hopeless.

Please—I'm not saying that to discourage but en-COURAGE.
It's all so different from what "normal" people seem to be. Makes other people seem unreal, better than I am. The theme you chose to title this with--confusion and unanswered questions--is an apt description of what we're left with.

Sometimes the hardest thing to learn is we really are doing the best we can. We want it so bad. The why is the worst and for me always was the one that really had no answer. You also wrote:

"I can't always word things correctly and sometimes get scared to ask if they'll abandon me outright because I've heard that people will leave if you ask them that too much."
My tendency at that point has been to give up, retreat to my okay but LONELY world. The self-message is pushed back to "someday I'll get this," but the fear is maybe I won't, maybe I can't, maybe all those people who called me an idiot were right. I'm sick of it.

You mentioned this: "I'm slightly tired so my brain isn't working the best at the moment." Yes—the strain does that. Take care as you venture with this, Vrizzy. I literally shook when I joined this site, and found that people cared (!?!). About me? Still confusing, but there's some friendly people in this room, and it's mysterious, and it's nice.

[Vrizzy]

You're really nice. Thank you so much. Ive been trying to figure out how to word a response but I just cannot find the words to express my gratitude. 

You didn't deserve the bad things that happened to you. I wish I could wave a wand and make them not happen.

[KayFly]

Welcome Vrizzy,

Wow. You have really been through a lot.  I really relate to abandonment issues.

I also really relate to being invalidated by everyone around me when I KNEW someone was being manipulative, or doing something wrong. AND THEN for someone to downplay it ON TOP of that. That is such a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

But you are SUPER smart. The fact that you just put all of that to words and knew exactly who to call out for what, is a beautiful gift of yours.

Sometimes people I love will say things that others-whom have hurt me-have said and I start panicking that they are like those people and am so scared that I sometimes have curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and refused to move for several minutes.

^The fact that you are aware of this, is huge. You will be able to change that in the future, because you are aware of it now. I'm in the same boat. I get triggered a lot by people who loved me, because of the stupid things that were said or done to me by the ones who harmed me. Its so dumb. They ruined it for the good people in our lives.

I relate with your loss and grief and pain. I'm so glad you are here and took the time to really spell all that out so intelligently. I feel like not only will you be an asset in this community, but you will be an asset to other people who have felt hurt, abandoned or invalidated in the world.

i hope you can find some comfort and happiness within yourself. You are a strong and brave one you. And you are not alone  Take care

K

[Vrizzy]

Thank you so much. You are all so brave and I just want to be able to help and be helped kinda. I'm in therapy and its helping but there are still a few hiccups in the road to full recovery.

Once again thank you! You also didn't deserve what happened to you. Triggers are hard to deal with especially when they come from loved ones. Yes the people that hurt us ruined that. Thankfully my boyfriend, best friends and baby brother understand that. (My brother is just a child but so wise for his age!)

I still feel like some of it was my fault. I want to be diagnosed but my trauma doesn't qualify for PTSD and I heard you need to have that several times to have C-PTSD? It is all so confusing.

But thanks. You guys rock!