Winds of change - I'm leaving him

[Boatsetsailrose]

Very fitting Dutch uncle
Feels just like that - one minute sad the next dancing round the garden saying to the sky 'I'm free'

Free - from that dysfunction -'the one I know so well '- foo
The one I started to see really freely in me and get to know -
People pleaser /- nurse- carer - master of 'don't look at what u need keep quiet, accept and serve
If I take care of others emotions hard enough, well enough and long enough they will love me -
Jesus ( sorry Jesus
Learning no means no and yes means yes
Not saying it doesn't matter it's ok - don't worry about me
And then comes flip side Emma - the tantrums - the control - the low moods
Oh gee exhausting -

Foo may your binds be broken enough to set me free - surely it's time - 20 yrs of self development - come on it must be time -

Tread carefully now -
Stay close to me
For I am the one
Who can really set u free
( written by me for me

[Dutch Uncle]

Beautiful. Very touching.

[fairyslipper]

So touching and extremely inspiring.  So proud of you for having the courage to do what you knew was the right thing. Very much wishing you a  happy future. I think it is definite. All the work you have done and the growth that has taken place. Now you are getting to reap the rewards. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Fairyslipper

Thank you

It's been a week now since the split ... I feel like a different person ! At this point I feel so happy to be single and focus on ME
Also branching out in the world ( I closed my life down in that relationship ) .. Learning to relate with others in a more healthy way is def the theme of the moment .. Simple things like showing enough of my self and being heard - making eye contact and being present ..
Not being that shame as much and not feeling the guilt for taking up 50% of the space - those things have been a massive part of my past but I feel that they have finally moved out !

I can't say I am without fear - social anxiety still prevalent - but I am doing life anyway -
At the moment I am working with allowing myself to be happy and not ruled by the fear that 'it' s not really ok to be happy- I don't really deserve it and something bad is going to happen anyway
All tapes from the past -
Foo didn't like me being happy - chatty - taking up space
Feel a bit angry writing that - foo took up SO much space

Reclaiming ourselves by seeing clearly how the past affects our present is by far the most liberating thing I've experienced in my life -
Cutting those binds - seeing them for what they are - and not living in a way that is ruled by them

Today
I am enough
I am good enough
I am normal
I am worthy of being loved by others
I like me
People like me
I can goof up
I can be heard
I have real confidence
My integrity is good
I am humble where needed
I love and value my life
I live in trust
I have faith
The past is being laid to rest a little more each day

[arpy1]

first time i have read this thread, and o my word, it has blown me away, boatsetsailrose!  you really are quite something, and i bet you don't even realise it.

just remembering my own breakup (after 20 yrs abusive marriage to what i now think was NPD husband).    I guess i could have left before, but i had two (three but one died at 15 months) kids and husband was disabled so i was his full time carer. but i remember the guilt even tho the kids were grown and flown. am only just beginning now after nearly five years to discover what you are talking about here, and it's a much slower process than i would like.

you sound so positive and courageous i just wanted to applaud you for that.  . seriously, you've really inspired me.

keep going, keep safe and keep sharing. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you arpy

Well much of my progress is down to 12 step recovery programmes not my own making - but yes it's taken / takes lots of action !

He sent me an e mail today ( a long one ) and it was full of his feelings ( which he very rarely shared b4 when it came to how he felt about me -  And gratitude for what I have given him ( he very rarely expressed thanks for anything I did in the relationship -
And reading it created even more guilt on top of what I was already feeling - then I was just angry ' I don't want him to contact me anymore '
Then I realised that the guilt of 'I broke up with him was futile and I found a new strength from somewhere and thought 'yes I did break up with him - I wasn't happy for a long time and I got out - Horray !!
I'm going to speak with my sponsor tomorrow and ask her opinion on how to put a boundary in with him -
It's been a week of messages and it's just not helping anyone as far as I can see

He was 20 yrs older than me and had health issues and yes I can relate to your past situation - I was in the carer role - I hated it !!
Don't know how people do it for a long time - I think our age gap didn't help -

So onwards and upwards for us all

[arpy1]

yeh, i hear you, my ex is 14 yrs my senior, not an issue at first until he got sick.

carer role, yeh, i became what i had to be to keep him happy becos when he wasn't it was emotionally horrendous, champion sulker, heavy vibes, like living in treacle. not good for the kids, so we all worked very hard to keep him happy.

i would agree, firm boundaries re him and communication are gonna be a life saver... just a little heads up, just in case: when i finally drew my boundaries (only took 20 yrs ) i had a whole gamut of behaviours - Mr Nice, Mr Nasty, Mr Needy, Mr Sick, Mr Angry, Mr Martyr, Mr Dominant Male, to name just a few. thank god he wasn't the violent type. hope u can keep clear of anything like that, but if not, that's where ur boundaries will be invaluable.

anyway, respect, Boatssr, 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you arpy 1
Yes !
Quote 'champion sulker - heavy vibes -
My my all the time - until he decided he would come out of it ' 'are u depressed I would say 'no' he would reply -
Ignoring me for hours - I always thought his pain was bad but at times I learnt it was low level -
No gratitude for what I did or my feelings 'I'm not going to feel bad about my condition '
His giving to me seemed to always be an after thought - a 'oh I better give something now so it never felt like genuine giving
And yes !!
Quote Mr nice and Mr poor me are out at the minute
What an as s
I'm going to pick my belongings up in 3 wks and will be glad when that is done -
Ill be glad when it's all done - time has moved on and he is a memory of the ex

I've agreed with my sponsor 1 year of no relationship -
Time for me and to firm up my edges and let down my 'this is what I deserve for any future liaison -
Never ever to repeat the giving up myself for someone else - not in the way I have in the past

Horray to freedom
Glad you got out too
Best wishes

[arpy1]

oh boy! r u sure we weren't married to the same guy all that time?

[Lifecrafting]

Boatsetsailrose, your sharing during this transition in your life is inspiring to me - it has helped me come to terms with some of my own stuff:

Tread carefully now -
Stay close to me
For I am the one
Who can really set u free

I have a serious lack of trust in myself - very hard to deal with. When I read these words, they reached me. Thank you.

His giving to me seemed to always be an after thought - a 'oh I better give something now so it never felt like genuine giving

This also speaks to me of lacking trust in my feelings. Why does his thoughtfulness, his giving... feel fake to me - why does it feel like it lacks substance? I have been running these words around in my brain for a few years now knowing that his "giving" has been, as you put it, an afterthought. Intellectually, I know this but I haven't really wanted to look at it - to feel it because I haven't trusted myself to know what to do with it. So today, inasmuch as I still don't know exactly what to do, I have, through reading your thoughts/experiences, a new platform from which to work.
Boatsetsailrose, I applaud your commitment to yourself and your willingness to share with us all you've been through and I look forward to hearing about your new adventures in the months to come!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello life crafting
Thank you for your sharing.
I find that is the wonderful thing about sharing here that we experience similar and can learn from each other. And I find that when I read back to myself what I wrote previously and then someone puts some perspective on it - it affirms to me that 'I am really recovering, this is good stuff !

Quote ' I have a serious lack of trust in myself'
Yes I understand just what that is like - and makes sense - not being affirmed for a long time and not developing that within us -
It's like 'is what I am feeling right ? Relevant ? Real ?
Have to say after coming out of this last relationship I really can see how much I have grown -
And working with the child trauma therapist - that sense of validating my experiences and having some more compassion and ability to say 'this is how I feel'
That low sense of worth has been a minefield to work with - it is shifting now
Being in a u forfilling relationship is miserable - and that little I did get is what I clung onto until I just was all out and didn't love him anymore -
In other respects he was a good friend and would listen to me and that was something I was missing in my life
I've learnt now that the more I can be and love me anyone else is a bonus not the giving what I don't own
Quote ' to feel it as I haven't known what to do with it '
Yes it it's the awareness isn't it and then the acceptance
Feelings can be SO overwhelming for us -

I really believe in that premise of 'we attract what we are ' and so for me attracting someone who was emotionally unavailable was always going to be the case taking into account of where I was at..
As I became more emotionally available for me and got honest there was no going back - starting to develop a sense of self worth and what I wanted
People keep saying 'oh it must be really hard ' ( being out of the relationship ) and I'm like 'no really it's not it's great
Says it all really
So yes treading carefully is very important to me right now -
I'm 42 yrs old - I'm done with messing up
All best wishes to you - keeping the focus on our recovery is so important ! I mean what else is there from it stems the quality of our lives