Winds of change - I'm leaving him

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
Wasn't sure where to put this post - so if it needs moving that's ok

Due to cptsd I have been held back in my relationships only choosing emotionally unavailable men -
Not saying I haven't been unemotionally available but actually I think it's more I've been too emotionally available

I am leaving him -
It's been 4 yrs with a lot of difficult feelings and suppression..
I've finally woke up
I can see clearly that I have been repeating this pattern to replay my foo being unavailable and me being care taker , nurse , counsellor and general pacifier - not thinking of my own needs - thinking of others -
I finally feel I have played this pattern enough now - I've truly woken up to the choices I have made and the emptiness I have been trying to fill - staying in the end for security
This time I feel absolutely 'done' no more Nader .
I don't know what the future holds and I don't need to know ( because it's today
But I do know that today I shall learn about me and cptsd and how to work with it with the new found awareness I am experiencing
When people have said 'need to love yourself first ' I've never really got that but now I do
Compassion for myself and who I am - no secrets - no hiding - me -
I've never really thought about what my principles are for what I need and deserve in relating - I've just always felt 'less than ' when things arnt right and it has fed into shame
I'm changing and I feel I have more dignity than ever - an integrity I have never felt before -
It  feels good like a birth right

I've spent so much of my life feeling less than - it's time now for that to be an old story not the new one

I'm fearful of sitting and splitting up
With man - it could get ugly ( my fear ) but I have support and it feels right to do it face to face and be clear -
'I am ending the relationship ' it feels more than the present it feels like I am cutting some binds to the past too -
I deserve equality in my relationships and relating I can see that now fully -
Be cautious in the future and to stay steady within myself that emotional regulation stuff

I'm so grateful to be able to talk here and to be listened to
Thank you

[Dutch Uncle]

I commend you for taking the reigns now that you feel up to it! 
Tip off the hat to you! 

I'm fearful of sitting and splitting up
With man - it could get ugly ( my fear ) but I have support and it feels right to do it face to face and be clear -

Take care and be safe. Don't hesitate to walk to your support if need be.

I don't know what the future holds and I don't need to know ( because it's today )

That's such an awesome concept, isn't it? I'm just starting to embrace it myself, so I relate.

One mantra that has helped me through similar events recently is:
"I am already doing the right thing." It has helped me to regain calmness when the inevitable stress seemed to get a hold of me.

I wish it may be of an aid to you too.

You go Girl! 

[Dyess]

Good for you. we are here to support you.

[woodsgnome]

On all our journeys there come times when the essential "you" part needs to be rescued from its hiding spot. Recognizing that is step 1, and the rest will come, perhaps with trepidation and fear; but finding that "you" part and recognizing that its survival is at stake needs to be honoured.

Wishing you the best!

[KayFly]

BoatsetsailRose 

Getting up and leaving a relationship is a really hard thing to do.  It can bring up so many confusing emotions (after...in my experience) but it sounds like you really know yourself, understand your own accountability as well as your partner's roll.

I really commend you for all of your dedication and hard work in coming to this insight, and awareness about yourself and I am proud of you for following your heart instead of doing the, comfortable, secure thing 

I see really good things in your future. We are here as a blanket to fall back on, as a 4 year relationship may take some pain in getting through, but again I am really proud you have taken the time for you. You are a gem.

Best,

K

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u all very much ! 
Dutch uncle
Quote ' I am already doing the right thing ' yes ! Lovely - perfect - plugs straight in -
Don't hesitate to walk to your support if need be - is v good to hear - I'm in another city to do this ( old home town ) and so ill be leaving to go home via train - I have lot of phone support as I'm in 12 step programmes - so yes keep age is good to hear that's my fear - he will blow up

Woodsgnome - I really feel that finding. The me part - it's like I've woken up and a huge shift has happened - it feels historical and even generational also

kayfly what a lovely warm and kind response - thank you 
Yes it's an up and down experience in the emotional department !
Yep it's a life time dedication hey ! The past few months have been phenomenal - in recovery for eating disorder ( developed as a child and also work with trauma therapist - I can't believe the help and support that has been given to me
Yes I've always tried to follow my heart and not live in something because fear keeps me there -
Feels like the universe blows a wind when it's time to change -
You are right 4 yrs is a long time - I've put my life  and openess on hold in some ways and I feel so excited with the forthcoming to be free - yet alas I am preparing for the tough emotions and the grief - but hey who knows maybe I've grieved - not sure

One thing I know is that next time I shall be more integrated in myself and there will be no more 'losing myself' in romance - there has been too many years not being present for me -

All best wishes and may we each keep building to strengthen our freedom and happiness
Ps I find the support here so liberating

[KayFly]

BoatsetsailRose,

I find your choice inspiring,
I have done it so much before...
But not with the awareness you have...You have so much to offer

Feels like the universe blows a wind when it's time to change -

Yes.  I hope you find much empowerment in your life change.

[Lifecrafting]

Ditto to all of the above comments and well wishes!

I'm changing and I feel I have more dignity than ever - an integrity I have never felt before

Standing tall, Boatsetsailrose, breathing in all that is you... It is your birthright. You go get it!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you very much -
I am touched by the positivity and character building in this post !
What a kind empowering group of people we are

I read somewhere that this recovery journey produces such a depth to people and the abilities to be empathic and connect with others . I forget this sometimes and see my sensitivity and empathic way in a bit of a negative. I also just think that everyone is like me and of course it is not the world is made up of so many different types .
Got me wondering how many of us here in recovery are creative ?

Thank u Kayfly I am starting to see I do have a lot to offer .. Always just viewed myself as less than and this has shifted - not to a place of ego but to a place of genuinely being able to have awareness of my ability to grasp being human . How much I've learnt through experience and how I have absorbed the right things along the way to aid healing ..

It seems many of us here come from this place - to re build ourselves as life crafting says 'it's our birthright -

[serkinglight]

Wonderful, Boatsailrose! A cup of chamomile tea to you!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello
So today was the day - it was horrible
I was much more emotional than I expected and was angry and crying at the same time . There was a scene in the kitchen and I flashed back to my own mother and father and it was intense. Yet I got to really experience that this pattern was replaying and a sense that the cord is cut - pattern has gone -
Odd yet good

Ex was very odd in his dialog ( not that he wasn't before ) but I got to see how emotionally damaged he is ( prob has cptsd but is older than me 63yrs and seems more intrenched ( may not be true but it seems that way )

But I went for what I planned - to speak face to face and I heard myself say the words firmly ' I have been bought to this place - I cannot be in this anymore

A sad day

Calls and texts after ( deleted them ) shock and blame

I just feel done with trying to work anything out anymore -
I know I played a part in it and have my own dysfunction and he has a right to be upset and blame -
Blame such a fruitless exercise -
No one can be changed people tell me and now I know that to be true -
I can only change myself and so on to the next part of life

But for now rest and plenty of it

Thank u for listening and being here
( ready through this post again has helped me tonight
Best wishes

[Dyess]

I'm sure this was very hard. When I was pre-divorce I read this book called the Uncoupling. It explained what I was going through very well. I had uncoupled and moved on, at my own time and space, but now he was being uncoupled and it was all new for him. It was hard to see him go through what I had been going through for some time. I felt a little guilty that I was so much more prepared for this parting than he was. But I knew it had to be done and it was never going to be easy at any point. We both have moved on now and have a civil relationship when we see each other. For a while after the break up though it was hard. He would call and want to go out to eat or do something and I had to say no. Keeping that contact like that would only give him false hope and drag the separation out. So, I know this is hard and no matter how much you prepare it still hurts on some level. That will get better though and I hope he gets the support he needs to help him through this.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you trace
Yes I've been preparing for a long time !
Re shock for him - I have been open about my unhappiness and the issues - we had a few wks separation after Christmas - nothing changed after and so the past 6 mths have been hard and harder
Yes uncoupling - for me I'm ready and relieved -
This has to be the last dysfunctional relationship I have - I don't have room for another one
I made the decision to work at releasing any guilt - it is just self hatred and I can't be in that - he couldn't take responsibility for the problems and so I was led to a place where I just couldn't be in it anymore -
I know I gave it my best and tried to make it make
What support he gets and how he copes I leave to him and the universe
He is an adult
For me it's about taking care of myself, getting what i need and the support
I have grown up a lot in this relationship and feel more integrated and stronger
Yes I've already made decision - no contact - it's only about holding on - dragging it out -
Clean break required that's the only way the healing can take place
Thank u for your reply
Best wishes

[Dyess]

Sounds like you are doing well with this break. I wish you lots of happiness with your new life, and hopefully if another relationship is in your future it will be the one of your dreams.

[Dutch Uncle]

I'm a bit at a loss for words.

My condolences, well done.
Is that fitting?

Hang in there, boatsetsailrose.