I donít know if this is CPTSD related or where or what to do

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Gromit

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I am so all over the place in lockdown, I find it really hard to have my OH at home all the time, although he is at work (actually in his physical place of work for 1 day a week since last week). I can hear him getting frustrated when things are not going his way, I find that triggering. There is sometimes friction between him and DD, he says she is rude, I think she is defending herself.  I am essentially a stay at home mum with teenagers but I do teach some classes (although that isnít really able to happen in Lockdown) and have an ad hoc job in a school when they are open.

I donít know if my problems are to do with CPTSD and if I can find any help here for them, I did manage to join a Zoom ACOA meeting on Sunday, and cried through most of it. I havenít accessed the Zoom meetings or chats before because it is so hard to feel that I have guaranteed privacy for the duration of the meeting.

Today I had an email telling me my payment for my DBS renewal had failed and I immediately felt shame, hot, sweaty, shame. I think if failed because my card had renewed since last year, I hadnít done anything wrong. But it is a perfect example of what happens to me. Probably why emails that try to scam you, by telling you your payment for something you do not even have has failed, work. I donít actually fall for the scams, I know I havenít get a webcam, or been on pornographic sites regardless of what they try and tell me I have done.

So I have this feeling of being worthless, I donít earn enough to support myself, let alone my kids, I rely on my OH, who does earn way more than we actually need but occasionally it becomes apparent that he resents that I do not work, although, at the same time, he expects me to take the kids to school and collect them etc when, at the beginning of the year, I was in hospital with our DD for weeks he kept asking me if I could commute. Willing for me to leave DD alone in a hospital miles away when she was ill when, last year he wouldnít even let her walk home alone from school on the one day I had a paying job and had wanted him to collect the kids.

I have just had 6 weeks of telephone counselling to process the experience of being in a hospital with my child for 7 weeks as I was struggling, but that has ended now and my child is so much better, just waiting for a final procedure, which may be a few months away thanks to Covid-19.

I donít normally work in the summer holidays anyway, although last year I was planning on trying to teach some classes this year. I was planning on expanding what I do to try and make me less dependent.

If you got through all the above thank you, not sure what I want with my rambling. I have just had a chat with someone from the Carers association my GP told me to contact when my DD first came home from hospital, she thinks this is pretty normal Lockdown stuff, didnít tell her about the DBS shame though, that, I feel is definitely more for the audience here. Her advice, join the ACA meetings regularly, get some time alone, by myself.

G