Rumination

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slipping

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Rumination
« on: November 11, 2019, 04:09:12 AM »
I find the rumination about my recent retraumatization to be the worst of all the symptoms. I wake up from dreams related to the situation and immediately have intrusive thoughts about it; replaying the situation in my head, thinking about my emotional reaction and feeling ashamed and humiliated about it, thinking about my former friends and their actions and feeling intense anger and frustration that these people I loved turned on me and "did this to me" (even though in their eyes, they did nothing of significance and I "did this to myself" by reacting so emotionally).

It's been two months and it's a constant, endless mental prison. It prevents me from doing much of anything. It keeps me disconnected from my ability to enjoy anything. Things I once loved (music, games, conversation, comedy, etc.) are just lifeless and I force myself to try and engage with these activities, but I'm left feeling so hopeless and broken; that I'll never be able to enjoy anything ever again.

The people I loved broke me. I had made so much progress over the years and had a group of friends that I loved and a music community that I loved being a part of. And in an instant it was all gone. And all of those people now hate me based on false accusations and my emotional reaction to the situation. It's too much to bear.

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Three Roses

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2019, 02:49:12 PM »
I'm so very sorry to hear how you've been treated. It must feel as though you've been judged so very harshly by the very ones you loved and trusted. Tortuous! Although we all know that time will reveal the truth, it can feel like a prison until you break through this dark time. I hope you can find the energy and direction to fight back against this inner onslaught! We'll be here cheering you on! Keep fighting, slipping!

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Perplex

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2019, 11:12:40 PM »
I don't know what to say that can immediately help but I want you to know that I understand the pain. I especially sympathise with your lack of enjoyment... life feels so hard without that ability to just... love things.

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slipping

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2019, 08:03:43 AM »
Thanks Three Roses & Perplex.

Itís so isolating. It feels like no one else could ever possibly understand the torment. Even just acknowledging that you understand that experience allows for some feeling of solidarity. Though I wish we could all find some way out of this * and never have to experience it again. Having crawled out of this * a few times before, itís so demoralizing to find myself back here, as bad as itís ever been.

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Three Roses

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2019, 08:58:02 AM »
It does feel so isolating. But you are definitely not alone.

Here's a link to an older thread that I hope and think will help you feel better, maybe less isolated -

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11464.msg82830#msg82830

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Kizzie

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2019, 01:52:10 PM »
FWIW I think you're having a normal reaction for someone with CPTSD to the losses you just experienced.  Pete Walker is both a therapist and survivor and wrote an article I think might be helpful or at least provide some insight into what you are going through - "Managing Abandonment Depression in Complex PTSD" .

I've had similar reactions in the past (fight and flight kicked in in spades), so I understand how difficult it is to deal with the aftermath.  What did and does help me is to focus on why I behave as I do in times when I am triggered (CPTSD or Relational Trauma Response), to be as compassionate and kind as I can to myself when it happens, and to continue to work on recovering/healing as Pete suggests in the article.

Unfortunately we don't 'just get over' our trauma as some would suggest to us, it is deeply embodied in our minds, hearts and bodies and requires treatment/self-care.  When you know this it somehow makes it easier to understand why we react as we do or so I find.   :grouphug:


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slipping

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2019, 02:47:47 PM »
Thank you, Three Roses. I liked the other post that you linked to. This is definitely a sissyfuss-like experience of being at rock bottom again. I feel like a completely different person than I was before it all happened. Itís hard to view it as a necessary part of the process, but I will try.

Thank you, Kizzie. I liked the Pete Walker article you linked to. My recent situation was such a perfect storm for triggering my abandonment depression.

Two of my closest friends did unexpectedly turn their back on me. Then, after I reacted emotionally to the situation, they publicly shamed and mocked me for my reaction. And then subsequently convinced many others to turn their back on me too.

Itís all just so heartbreaking and humiliating. These are the people I loved and trusted most in the world. In many ways it does mimic the abandonment of a child by his parents.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2019, 03:15:34 PM by slipping »

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Kizzie

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2019, 03:58:28 PM »
Quote
Itís all just so heartbreaking and humiliating. These are the people I loved and trusted most in the world. In many ways it does mimic the abandonment of a child by his parents.

 It really does Slipping :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2019, 05:37:40 PM »
 :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2019, 11:46:26 PM »
Sorry you're having such a rough time, and how you were treated. I can only hope you are better off without those friends. At least they can't do anything like that again. I hope you feel better soon. Take care! :)

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LittleBlueBird

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2019, 01:08:38 AM »
Dear slipping,

I'm very sorry to hear that these ex friends psychologically abused you. I can only hope that the damage they did will not linger, that you will be able to move on very quickly, be able to trust others (and learn that there are true friends out there who are not vindictive psychopaths), to not play into their narrative of feeling ashamed.

I don't know your situation but your post certainly triggered me as it sounds all too familiar. So please forgive me if my reaction seems a little strong. We are emotional beings, and it's not your fault (rather more likely a symptom of your PTSD, possibly from dealing with people who retraumatise you, especially if they are narcissistic enough to have studied your grief and previous trauma) if you had a strong, emotional reaction.

I hope that, if you need it, you can find the right medication, the right supportive social network and the right therapist to get you through this tough time.

Don't let the * get you down. You're worth millions more than them  :grouphug:

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slipping

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Re: Rumination
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2019, 01:18:59 PM »
Thank you Jazzy. Thank you BlueBird.

🙏