Greetings

Started by serkinglight, August 13, 2015, 10:05:20 PM

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serkinglight

Hello all-

I'm having a hard time even posting anything because I feel as though my situation doesn't come anywhere near the severity that many on here have experienced. And yet I have come to believe that my pathologically abysmal self-image which I've carried with me since teenage years (I'm now 45), accompanied by a seemingly unshakable need to judge myself in the harshest possible manner must be rooted in some sort of childhood trauma. I am also some time out of an emotionally abusive relationship and having an extremely hard time getting over it and moving on. The loss of this relationship has completely thrown me--I can't seem to find the same excitement and value in the things I used to do prior to getting involved with this person. I slowly over the years we were together stopped investing in myself and my life in order to be ready to do whatever he wanted/needed at  moment's notice. And after allowing myself to slip into this dynamic, he eventually abandoned me, moved away and took up with someone else. I'm still reeling from the callousness with which I was treated and not sure which way is up. :stars:

Thanks for listening.

Butterfly

Welcome to the forum and you're more than welcome to post and feel safe here. Abuse is abuse and its human nature to compare but we each have our own personal nightmare. It's our nightmare and it's bad, for us. We're all here to heal in our own way and along our own individual journey. Feel free to jump into any discussion.

It sounds like you've got a. Really strong inner critic. Most of us here have one so it jumps out at me in your post. There's resources here and also this link you might find helpful :
http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Wishing you a healing journey.

Boatsetsailrose

Hi serking light

Thank u for sharing ..

I too would have had thoughts around 'my situation not being as bad'
I now see that it was bad enough for me to tick all the boxes of cptsd and have a framework to fit my mental and social problems into it and start making sense..
Psychological damage has been harder for me to identify and it's taken time, support and lots of action.
I wasn't even really aware of my poor self image and negative talk until I saw a child trauma specialist and could start seeing how my mind was abusing me ( 26 yrs after leaving the 'family' house.
I don't hate myself today and can see where my mind is damaged... And needs repair
Choosing relationships that are not too healthy seems to be a consequence of having a parent 'parents that are not healthy too -
I choose emotionally unavailable men and have just woken up to the relationship I am in 4 yrs down the line ...
I can relate to how it feels post relationship and after talking with someone this morning I realise I have fear of leaving - 'fear of being alone again - without family just me the 'black sheep '
But I won't stay for fear and if I make the decision it will be the right one - we don't live together and so I am starting to open myself up more to life and have joined a walking group ( at my therapists suggestion I do something I enjoy )
Feeling low after a relationship is bound to happen hey and it has to be for me about self compassion ( something I've just learnt about and not believing all the junk my mind says
Life is for living and exploring who we really are so we can live in honesty and truth..
For me my relationship may turn around who knows at this point - we are both in early recovery and time will show me what I need to do ...
Awareness is my saviour
Take each day at a time and talk as much as can to other people
Loss is hard and we need to nurture ourselves where we can - self care is very important -
When I felt v low I would just set small tasks brush teeth, cook meal get fresh air rest well



Lifecrafting

Hi.
Welcome to Out of the Storm!

I think many of us can relate to the way you feel about your self image and the harshness with which you judge yourself.  I have been in a state of high stress, devaluation and denial for as long as I can remember; it is only recently that I realized I needed to do something about it.

I can also relate to your relationship loss.
QuoteI'm still reeling from the callousness with which I was treated and not sure which way is up.
THIS  is actually what brought me to this place of realization; I was so devastated by the callousness with which I was treated...it has taken me 3 years to find the strength to look at me and say: "what in myself allowed that to happen????"

Being new to this forum, I have found understanding and compassionate sharing of feelings, thoughts and info. It's been very comforting and helpful.

Wishing you well in your journey of discovery





serkinglight

Thank you all so very much for your supportive replies!! This seems to be a wonderful, helpful community that I'm sure I'll check in with frequently as I recover...

The circuitous path that led me to this forum began with trying to find answers about the breakdown of my last relationship. The way it all ended, which felt like a complete and utter abandonment (which by the way has always been my worst fear as I've struggled with anxiety related to separation anxiety and trust issues in virtually every one of my relationships) has left me in complete head-shaking disbelief. Months and months went by when "I can't believe...." was a constant refrain. Just what was so hard to believe about it?? Why should it be so very hard to believe that a person who treated me very badly and very unfairly, consistently putting his own needs on a level far above mine, complaining extremely and often about every aspect of his life to me, but never allowing me to vent, drawing unfair parallels between me and his mentally ill mother, baiting me and starting fights and laying the blame for it at my feet, why should I be surprised that such a person should abandon me in such a calculatedly callous way? (Why, you may well wonder, should i be distraught over such a person abandoning me, as so many friends and family members who've heard more about this than they'd care to are at such pains to understand??) What is with this willful, stubborn naivety? It feels infantile, and the like mark of someone who never learned how to stop people from violating her. And whether or not this ex of mine actually has a PD (which I would venture he does), I am here to heal from what I went through in dealing with him, and to learn how to set boundaries between myself and those who would mistreat me, i.e., calmly and lovingly put that naif to bed and not leave her in charge of who gets to be close to me. ???


Boatsetsailrose

Serking light
I just really identified with what u have shared -  :wave:
Asking why and waking up to why -
I am ending my relationship with Man this week and boy do I feel awake!. The ' naivety' coming from infantile I can really relate to ..
How did I not 'know I was with an emotionally unavailable man for 4 yrs ? Well - I did and I didn't but I couldn't put it into context - why was I making it so much about him ? His needs his feelings ...
I lost myself and was drowning - and I couldn't stop it ... I worked so hard 'at it' and I now can see I was trying to 'make him do the relationship -
My foo were emotionally unavailable/ damaging. I was always the girl who was playing nurse -

Hearing myself say this week 'I'm done, I'm really done' has been so liberating ..
I feel within myself that this type of relationship that has been on repeat shall be repeated no more -
The freedom feels amazing

Quote 'learning to set boundaries' this has been such a big area for me - and even though I can see I have worked on this area for years - it is definitely layers of it to reach a healthy level ..
I find it happens without me knowing and I morph into the other person ..
It certainly feels time to fully reclaim this and to stand in my own 2 shoes  :applause:
Learning to have self compassion and my own perimeters. Self identity has been a big one - what am I feeling- what do I like - how should other people treat me - can they listen to me - is there equal -
How do I get myself in the relating game fully

Its so liberating to start seeing this stuff

Thank you for sharing - has been really helpful for me to speak

Boatsetsailrose

I'm so over 'care taking' other people
;D

Time to put that energy into my own recovery
I can still care for others but not from 'that place'

I've joined the human race ! The human race that does 'balance ' in its relating :) yippee

serkinglight

I'm so glad my post resonated with you, Boatsailrose! I wish i had awakened earlier to the realization that by not removing yourself when necessary, you give people license to treat you however cruelly they please.   But removing yourself can sometimes take a great deal of strength and conviction that it sounds as though you've garnered for yourself! Bravo! :applause: When I should have walked away, I found that I was paralyzed, almost as though by a spell that kept me transfixed by the cruelty I was witnessing. Again, the "I can't believe..." refrain.

I wish you all the support in the world as you move through such difficult stuff. :hug:

Boatsetsailrose

Yes I went through that with my foo ( family of origin )

Only a few mths ago I was asking myself 'why did I never shout no or not listen ( sing to myself a strategy I now have ) take myself away - I did start saying no when I reached teenage once - and I saw red -
I did used to take myself off into nature

Feeling powerless is very immobilising in my experience - and not gaining skills - pieces of myself earlier in life has hindered in adult life -

But the wind is changing and it does - and get to change with it

For the better

Go well

Lifecrafting

Wow. Do I ever relate here!

Quotewhy should I be surprised that such a person should abandon me in such a calculatedly callous way? (Why, you may well wonder, should i be distraught over such a person abandoning me?  What is with this willful, stubborn naivety? It feels infantile
I have felt and said to myself these exact same words. I DO feel infantile.

QuoteI am ending my relationship with Man this week and boy do I feel awake!Hearing myself say this week 'I'm done, I'm really done' has been so liberating ..
I feel within myself that this type of relationship that has been on repeat shall be repeated no more -
The freedom feels amazing.

Good for you boatsetsailrose! GOOD FOR YOU!

QuoteI wish you all the support in the world as you move through such difficult stuff.
Serkingkight, these words of support you offered to Boatsetsailrose....I like them and I offer them back to you!


Boatsetsailrose

🌅🌞

The sun always shines - just sometimes it's too cloudy

When we can feel it - plants grow some more and so do the trees -
Roots are our recovery and the rest of the branches, leaves and blossom the decoration to our true selves

We are growing I can see and feel it and I feel incredibly thankful to find other spirits who help me and truly understand what I need

🌳🌿🍀