Not sure How I Feel *POSSIBLE TRIGGER*

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IFeelSoAlone

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Not sure How I Feel *POSSIBLE TRIGGER*
« on: August 20, 2015, 04:55:19 PM »
Not sure if this is where this belongs:

I have never really trusted people because of my past.  I have only had a couple of close friends, but like everyone else they are gone now.  There are very valid reasons as to why they are gone and of course it is due to my choices, well I guess. There are two that I can think of. One of them has three kids now and we were fairly close until about three years ago.  She got herself into drugs and lost custody of the two kids she had at the time (my godson and goddaughter).  I had my daughter to take care of and I did not want the drugs, the shady people around her.  I had told her several times that she needed to clean up her act, but she wouldn't.  I had to cut ties so that I could protect my daughter.  She claims to be clean now and had another kid (all three kids have different dads). The second person I have not spoken to in almost 7 years.  She was very self absorbed and had to be the center of attention all the time.  The reason I cut her off is because on my 21st birthday she held me down while her boyfriend raped me. The pain is still so strong when I think about it. 

Well, now I have one friend that also has a PD and she is not always the easiest to be around.  She has suicidal tendencies and I have tried to be there for her.  Well, after all the times I came running when she needed me the tables turned.  I really needed her yesterday, and she said she is not what I need.  I feel like she shut a door on my face and walked away.  I am not sure what the * happened and why she just left all the sudden.  All I wanted was to know that I have a friend, and I feel like that was taken out from under me.  I feel like I am a conditional friend, she is only there if she needs my help, and then she is done with me. 

Now, I understand that my current state of mind could distort what I am seeing and what I believe, but I am not sure what to do about it or how to respond to it.  I honestly am kind of mad at her but I am not sure if my anger is valid.  I am not sure if I am justified to feel the way that I do or if I am just like usual screwing things up.  I am not sure what to say to her, or how to even bring up the fact that I feel like she abandoned me in my time of need, when I have been there every time she said she needed me.  Is it wrong for me to feel this way?  Should I say something to her or just let it go?

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Not sure How I Feel *POSSIBLE TRIGGER*
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2015, 05:14:33 PM »
The reason I cut her off is because on my 21st birthday she held me down while her boyfriend raped me. The pain is still so strong when I think about it.
:doh: (emoticon doesn't quite cut it): Good riddance.  :pissed:


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I honestly am kind of mad at her but I am not sure if my anger is valid.
Yes it is.

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Should I say something to her or just let it go?
I honestly can't tell.

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IFeelSoAlone

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Re: Not sure How I Feel *POSSIBLE TRIGGER*
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2015, 10:52:04 AM »
Okay, so I have been in a really dark place since Tuesday, and I cannot get myself out of it.  I am not sure what to do anymore and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to do anything right. I feel like all I do is hurt those around me, and piss them off.  Even when I think that I am helping someone I am really just giving them useless advise.  I feel like I am just better off shut off from people and stay in my own little world.  It feels like every time I get close to people they just end up sick of me, annoyed with me.  Maybe I am just not meant to have friends or be close to people.