Facebook

[KayFly]

Hi,

I have been struggling lately with whether or not I want to keep my Facebook account activated.  I have a hard time with decision making in general, but this has gone a bit far.

I'll keep it there (deactivated) in case I feel secure enough in the future to use it (like to share art and stuff), but I find myself "checking in" or activating it more often on it. I comment on things, usually its funny, but I immediately take it down, like I do here...

I don't NEED it. I think maybe I am just impulsive, and maybe just wanting to feel connected, but it seems to be a distraction.

I have like 50 family members blocked whom I used to have contact with, but for my own safety, I have had to block all these people, so they don't figure out my location (my father installed quite a bit of fear in me). I think for me, Facebook possibly sends me into EF's of when my family was there, and I find myself checking in on my sister and such, which makes me sad, because I miss her.

My T says that it doesn't seem good for me right now, and my boyfriend suggests I continue to keep it deactivated, so I can check in when I feel like it...But that is not working. Maybe I should just permanently delete it. I'm tired of stressing over it.

Has anyone had trouble with this? What are your thoughts?

[Dutch Uncle]

You BLOCK 50 people on Facebook? No wonder the site is a major trigger trigger.

I don't even KNOW 50 people. But maybe that's my flaw. 


I know nothing of Facebook, never appealed to me. LinkedIn is already too much social media for me. All these updates and tweaks all the time... Boring. But then, that's strictly a business necessity.
But then I'm also of the (apparently) rare breed who leaves his mobile phone at home when I go out with a friend or go to a diner where I'm invited.

I actually read an interesting article a few weeks ago on how all these social media stuff (Twitter, WhatsApp, Facebook, the lot) are pretty smartly designed to trigger the 'addiction' mechanism in the brain.
Bottom line was that somehow it's the 'want' that is in the end the most satisfying, the biggest 'kick' you actually get just BEFORE you log in.

Facebook is obviously a pretty lousy drug. 

[KayFly]

I am tremendously heart broken. 

I went through all of the family members that i had been hiding from who were blocked on my facebook, because I knew i was going to get rid of my account, and I wanted to like, in essence, say goodbye to some loved cousins and aunts and uncles.

I so badly wanted to message some of them. Some of the family members I had were close to me for long periods of time. My niece, my sisters, my aunties. And some of my cousins.

Trigger Warning...

Facebook isn't what is hard for me. Life is what is hard for me. I miss my family so much. I miss having something comfortable and familiar. But the truth is, that when i spoke out about what my parents had done to me, no one believed me, or validated me, or respected me. And I don't need that.

The fact that my mother and father both molested me really messed up my life. I was taken advantage of so much after I left home. So part of this list of "blocked" people, are guys, that I considered friends, who took advantage of me (but I couldn't see it at the time), women (one in particular) who kept me inebriated so she could take my things and walk all over me. Living in my home.

I thought these people were my friends. I thought these people were my family.

Facebook is just another reminder of this pain. I don't need anymore reminders. I'm sick of having an avenue where I could so easily talk to people who I love, that I will never have.

I am devastated. I am so grateful to feel my feelings, and to have gained clarity on why I needed to disconnect myself from that world, and why I need to continue stepping into the one that I am in now.

It just hurts so much. I've lost everyone.

[glbreed]

I am also struggling with the deactivation of my Facebook account.  I loved Facebook.  I connected with people from my past who I loved and met new people who's interest I shared. 

And then my relationship of fifteen years ended over the holidays last year and Facebook became a field of emotional land minds.  I had to unfriend almost all of our mutual friends, telling them before I did it, because seeing or hearing anything about my ex caused me extreme stress and depression.

Over the July 4th holiday I saw a photo of my ex with his new boyfriend, someone that I had suspected he was having an affair with while we were together.  It hurt me very much.  It was then that I decided to deactivate my account for fear of seeing him or hearing about him.

Now I am without the connection to people I enjoyed.

All of the old familiar feelings came flooding back, the isolation, the loneliness, feeling like everyone else is better than me, feeling like no one wanted me, that I was unloveable, feeling I was useless and wrong, feeling I wasn't good enough to be a part of a group, feeling like no one can be trusted, feeling like everyone wants to hurt me, feeling like everyone hates me, feeling ashamed of being me.

I miss Facebook, but I am scared to go back.  It was a positive thing in my life and now I associate it with pain.  I have no hope at this point.

[arpy1]

hi glbreed, i am so sorry you are feeling so sad. i don't have any answers, i feel so much the same way but i just wanted to send you a big hug to let u know i am thinking of you:bighug:  

[KayFly]

glbreed

Facebook can certainly make breakups harder. I just got rid of mine from all the triggers it was causing from the past. I went back and forth. Made different accounts for years but have now concluded it is not a good time for me to have one. Why would I want the reminder of such painful events? but I am grateful to have clarity on this now. I don't need the extra triggers. I already have enough

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. I can't tell you what's best for you, but I can say that for the people you have lost, other ones will come along and guide you, or replace what you had before. I'm watching this slowly happen in my life.

Take care and be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you  glad you're here.

[Rainydaze]

I am tremendously heart broken. 

I went through all of the family members that i had been hiding from who were blocked on my facebook, because I knew i was going to get rid of my account, and I wanted to like, in essence, say goodbye to some loved cousins and aunts and uncles.

I so badly wanted to message some of them. Some of the family members I had were close to me for long periods of time. My niece, my sisters, my aunties. And some of my cousins.

Trigger Warning...

Facebook isn't what is hard for me. Life is what is hard for me. I miss my family so much. I miss having something comfortable and familiar. But the truth is, that when i spoke out about what my parents had done to me, no one believed me, or validated me, or respected me. And I don't need that.

The fact that my mother and father both molested me really messed up my life. I was taken advantage of so much after I left home. So part of this list of "blocked" people, are guys, that I considered friends, who took advantage of me (but I couldn't see it at the time), women (one in particular) who kept me inebriated so she could take my things and walk all over me. Living in my home.

I thought these people were my friends. I thought these people were my family.

Facebook is just another reminder of this pain. I don't need anymore reminders. I'm sick of having an avenue where I could so easily talk to people who I love, that I will never have.

I am devastated. I am so grateful to feel my feelings, and to have gained clarity on why I needed to disconnect myself from that world, and why I need to continue stepping into the one that I am in now.

It just hurts so much. I've lost everyone.

Oh I feel so sad for you.  There's so much bravery in your honesty and talking through all this is definitely a step in the right direction. I don't think being on Facebook is doing you any good at all but I understand that the instant sense of belonging you get from it can be hard to walk away from. People who are truly worth knowing are there for you no matter what.

[steamy]

Kayfly and glbreed I feel your pain. I hope that you can find a way to see the changes in your lives and the pain as being a positive thing, that it's part of CV the journey to recovering lost parts of ourselves. Losing a partner is never a nice experience, but if it's any consolation, due to dynamics in relationships its hard to make progress while in a relationship, unless your partner is much healthier than we are. It's unlikely that that would be the case as we tend to attract and be attracted to people of similar levels of mental health. Being on your own is the best way to move forward, despite the lonliness and loss of intimacy. Glbreed i hear your inner critic loud and . I hope that you can stop it telling you that your ex might have betrayed you, while you have no evidence that it was so and don't let that critical part of you go and find the evidence and use it as an opportunity to put you down and send you down deeper.

With social media theses days, it can be a bit like a highly concentrated version of reality and it seems that some folks seen to want to give up their privacy. I have found that my friends are posting a lot less personal stuff than they did a few years back so it seems that face book is maturing a bit.

I found initially when I re-connected with old friends I found a lot of old bad memories and feelings coming back, but I have found it really liberating to find that a lot of those feelings and thoughts now have no substance and can be left behind in my teenage years.

We are all different and have different needs, there are lots of ways to still keep folks as contacts but not see anything they post, unless you want to actually visit their page. I can see though that people who have deliberately caused us pain or exploited us aren't great candidates to be following on social media.

I thoroughly recommend reading Helen Fisher "why we love" which is an excellent book, puts romantic love into the context of neuro chemistry which helped me a lot to understand why I was in so much pain when I broke up. I found that when i realised i was simply doing cold turkey from dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin it was a lot easier to handle my heartbreak. Now I also see my inner critic was an integral player in my pain, knowing what I know now I could have gone through that experience just feeling a little sorry it didn't work, maybe a little betrayed but at the same time realising that I was now free to do whatever I wanted.

I now believe that St. Valentines day, romantic dinners for two and internet dating sites should come with a government health warning. Romantic love should be seen for what it is: a cruel myth perpetrated by our society to encourage us to spend money and create pseudo emotional dependency that is simply based on overproduction of neurochemicals, that's not love in any shape or form.