trouble re-igniting old interests

[serkinglight]

I'm having a difficult time inhabiting a world that once was very rewarding and affirming for me. As though it's been poisoned by the disregard of the person I used to be in an abusive relationship with. To be specific, I have been a musician all my life. Music is something I've practiced from a very young age and developed quite a bit of skill with. My job is (currently---I like to feel that all things are still possible, even at the age of 45) to teach piano and violin privately (mostly to kids), play weekly at a church (sans religion, in my mind), and do a number of freelance gigs involving many types of music-making: fiddling when necessary, jazz comping on the piano when called for, soloistic violin stuff--a mishmash of things I'm called upon to do and that I set out to do myself based on interest, goals, etc. It used to be something I was very excited about, if at times over-stretched and stressed out by it by taking on too many disparate unrelated tasks. This interest was hard-won, after many floundering years in my 20's when I couldn't quite believe in what I was doing, and finally managed to branch out from the very limited musical scope in which I was operating. Having succeeded at doing this, I felt wonderful, as you only can when you've traveled to a new and more desirable place through your own efforts. Throughout the course of this abusive relationship, however, my boyfriend showed himself more and more to have zero appreciation of this, and zero interest in it. "All you're interested in is music. I don't even like music", I would hear. I guess I would rather be someone who can be reached on many levels and through many different avenues, and not be so limited in how I get meaning/enjoyment from life. But that was my way. Shaky enough, I guess, that his what felt like heartless criticism was enough to derail me. Sure, I continue to do what I've done, but with a deadened spirit and the loss of the enthusiasm I once had. Any thoughts on how not to let mean-spirited attitudes rob you of the things that once offered you support?

Thanks for reading.

[KayFly]

Serkinglight,

I am also a musician and sometimes go 5 or so years without playing or writing or singing. I'm a writer, but sometimes I don't work on my pieces for years as well.  I feel depressed when I am not inclined to work on them. I'm not inclined to work on them because I am depressed sometimes.  My father always told me (when I discussed wanting a music career or entertainment career), "That is a really competitive industry"...basically saying "You can't do it." It's so painful when someone puts down your dreams. That pain lingers.

I go through writers block...I'm a singer songwriter...I went through a particularly rough year, while surrounded by successful, active, motivated musicians. One of my amazingly talented friends always asked "Have you written anything lately?" And it was like, every time he asked, I said no. But this one time he asked and I told him no, I hadn't. I just couldn't.  I had been going through severe depression (which he didn't know) But he said, "Well the beautiful thing is that you will always have that ability to write songs."

I think I was a bit bitter at first, but as time has gone on, I realize, he's right. Yesterday I finished a song I started 5 years ago. All it needed was 2 lyrics.

I read something yesterday. 

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes...including you." -Anne Lamot

I find that to be really true, even if a few minutes means 10 years.

Your boyfriend was a jerk. I've found that the biggest motivating sources for my art are the people or things that have hurt me. That song I finished yesterday, was about my dad and how much he had taken from me.

Use that jerk's unsupportive words to fuel your fire, but if you need to unplug for a minute, I have faith, I know, it will come back to you. It's okay to need rest.

Thank you for sharing.

[Dutch Uncle]

I think it's pretty cool you do all this music, in so many different forms.
You definitely have not let you rob of everything, and I commend you for that. 

I don't really have an answer to your question, but if you can: focus on those in the audiences who clearly enjoy your playing. The ones who are clearly touched by your music.
The students who like your teaching, and are clearly enjoying their progress, despite the hard effort they undoubtedly have to put in at times.

Those are the ones that count with your music, not the clueless ex.


I love music. 

[serkinglight]

Really appreciate your responses, Kayfly and Dutch Uncle.

Nice to hear about your songwriting, Kayfly. How fantastic that you managed to finish a 5-year-old song. I myself have some 10-year-old material that needs to be given form and put to rest, to make way for the new! Thanks for your faith that that stuff can come back, given time and rest.

And thank you, Dutch Uncle, for pointing out that not connecting with one person doesn't determine the script for what connections are possible with all sorts of other people.  .

You both have made me feel a little more connected.

[arpy1]

serkinglight, i feel so angry on your behalf!

sounds to me like the subtext to that ex's words was: 'i want your complete and undivided attention all the time and if i don't get it, i am going to really punish you until you come back under control'   Your creativity and partic. your joy in it was probably a huge threat to him.

so maybe it wasn't only heartlessness, nor just criticism, nor simple mean-spiritedness,

but a well-honed manipulative device (and a really effective one) calculated to get you just where he wanted you to be to feed his need. Grrrrrrrr.........

You said:' I guess I would rather be someone who can be reached on many levels and through many different avenues, and not be so limited in how I get meaning/enjoyment from life. But that was my way.' 

maybe you were led to believe that 'your way' wasn't valid or right - perhaps becos he made you think it was selfish or whatever.

to me it sounds like your way is really healthy and productive and has brought lots of joy to yourself and to other people.

it's so hard to throw off the brainwashing of abusive oppressive relationships! and strange how it's so hard to feel appropriate anger at what happened. i know i struggle with it all the time. i feel guilty if i feel angry and then easily slip back into the 'it was my own fault anyway, something is wrong with me, not him' thing.

but maybe if u r able, getting angry about what he made you feel would help break through the deadening effect on your spirit?

someone told me that anger is actually useful energy, so maybe you could explore yours in order to be able to use it like Kayfly says, as fuel, to recover and slowly get free of what has been done to your mind.  she's right, the ex was a jerk. truly. you'd be right to have a proper rant about it... many rants... v. loud ones

[serkinglight]

Many thanks, arpy1, for your indignation on my behalf! It feels great.

Now, for some of my own: 

And let that be for you, too, where needed!

Yup, getting appropriately angry can be difficult for me. I recall many instances as a kid when my getting angry would cause uproarious laughter among my family.

To the point when I couldn't help but laugh, too.

So everything was then solved, right, except that I was more furious than ever!

And I appreciate your psychological sophistication in cutting to the heart of the matter to call abuse abuse! Not, as you say, simple mean-spiritedness, but a real conscious attempt to drag someone else down.

Thanks for helping me beat back the brainwashing a little farther. 

[arpy1]

Phew, i was worried i might have upset you!

But YAY  for rants! i'm working on it!

[serkinglight]

on the contrary. i'm just a slow responder...forgive me.

[arpy1]