Ideas needed how to deal with abuser _NEW

[tiggerd2]

Hi
I need some ideas. I moved back here during divorce from diagnosed SP/NP (approx. 7 yrs ago). I've isolated and have no support system. This week during work with T, I realized my dad is at least NP.

By mistake I told my dad and family, my dad's 'secret'. Because of that he made his massage therapist his HCPOA although I'm a nurse. I'm not on list to be notified if anything happens. - deal with that at some other time.

Problem:
I have to have shoulder surgery and the due date is Sept 10th. I'm needing to stay with my parents for at least 2 weeks. I have put off surgery for 10yrs due to SP/NP causing injury.
I can't put off surgery anymore due to all the damage. I can't stay alone the 1st 2 weeks. He will play victim because of my surgery (because he can't deal with my pain, focus has to be on him).
Working with Marsh Linehan's book.

I feel like I'm walking into the movie "Misery".
Ideas?
PS: I've stuffed the feelings for 18 yrs and now it's all coming back

[Trees]

Tiggerd2, is there any way you could spend those two weeks in some sort of assisted living facility?  I believe they are also called nursing homes or facilities.

I sympathize with your situation.  I am NC with all my family and quite isolated from other people due to years of emotional chaos.  So I have been faced several times with dealing with serious medical issues without any support other than medical personnel.  And, yes, it can be complicated.  Is there a medical professional you could discuss this situation with?  I would think they would deal with this kind of thing all the time.

All the best to you as you deal with such a triggering situation.   

[tiggerd2]

Hi Trees
Unfortunately I am 57 y/o. assisted living facilities require Medicare/Medicaid.

When I moved back to North Carolina in 2008, I knew no one. When I left Florida, people believed my ex SP/NP.

The only people I have contact with are on FB from my high school - in Ohio.

I've worked on this for almost 2 hrs. I'm kicking into beating myself up. I have to journal on this. 

[Trees]

In most places, I think, there are people who provide care in your home, that come and go on a daily basis, providing personal attention.  I believe they are usually called caregivers.   I guess they'd be found normally working for the elderly isolated and the handicapped isolated, and also hospice end-of-life care.  Sometimes they are sent out by organizations.  Sort of like Visiting Nurses, but on a lower skill level, and often only earning minimum wage, if even that.  Yes, usually paid for by Medicare/etc, but I wonder if they could provide some basic services for you in return for a small payment from you.  Because they usually have a low level of income, they might be interested in making a special arrangement with you.

Forgive me if I am just making this worse for you!  Just ignore this if necessary.

Your description of your isolation sounds quite similar to mine.  My ovarian cancer was very difficult to manage all by myself, so you have my complete sympathy!  Please feel free to PM me if it would help at all to have a sounding board.

Thinking of you.

[tiggerd2]

Trees:
Thank you. That's a good idea.
Yesterday my mom insisted taking me to the MD office for consult because I now have nerve impingement in the lower arm they want to do surgery shoulder on.   
When the person called me back to the room, I told my mom I'd be back. Well she followed me without me knowing. While I was walking, she started to straighten something on my blouse collar (that didn't need straightening). When I felt someone grabbing onto the back of my blouse, it really scarred me. I started to turn around and either confront the person. I don't know because people don't usually come up from behind. I realized it was her and said nothing.
She sat in the room and when the nurse was there asking me questions, my mom started telling me about coupons for the grocery store. I looked at the nurse and bit my lower lip. She half smiled and looked at me like she understood. (her back was towards my mom). She said the MD would be in.
He came in and introduced himself. My mom introduced herself and commented that he wasn't wearing socks and smiled at me. He looked at me and then her and said "yes, you're right". I thought 'mom you aren't here for comments, you are acting like --?.
He began telling me about my nerve and how things would have to change for the position of my arm after surgery.  My mom started in with her comments and I put my arm/hand out in the 'no-get back position' and said  "Mom, you need to .." ( I was starting to tell her leave). He looked into my eyes, interrupted her and said "let's start the exam." 
I felt embarrassed and I shut down. I didn't get the chance to ask any questions I wanted to know. I'll ask the other MD when I see him.
My parents want to go to the pre-op mtg. I can't allow them to go.
Last night I called my dad and told him what she did. He understands that part. I told him it was not going to be safe for me to be staying at their house and needed to talk to him. He understands that part of her.

I can arrange to get a cab to the hospital and back, I can have someone come from an agency to help.

Ovarian cancer- a long time to recover and need help. Without family can be done, but, I get it. You are a good woman. 

[Trees]

Tiggerd2,  dealing with both your medical situation and that family situation sounds mighty difficult!  Your mother sounds, well, no comment.   

A cab for transportation is a good idea. 

Being a patient in a medical situation can sometimes feel like a frightening loss of power over one's own self.  I would think that the presence of parents like ours would just intensify that feeling in our minds.

Maybe you could put your nurse self in charge and have her ensure that there are no impediments to you being cared for properly?  Well, actually, you already have her in charge, getting a cab, etc. !    Nurses are smart, well-educated, and creative. 

For me, dealing alone with ovarian cancer, compared to dealing with my FOO and CPTSD my whole life, was a piece of cake. 

Still, there are many challenges involved.  Please remember that that you deserve to be well cared-for and comfortable.  Good luck with all this!   

[KayFly]

I have been thinking about this thread and I got an email over the weekend from SpartanLifeCoach called 3 tips for handling communication with an abusive personality type:


Sorry to disturb you on a Saturday morning, but Im on the
4th day of an overdue caffeine fast (15 years of non stop
coffee, my poor brain) and its the first day I feel
non-foggy and all inspired n stuff so if you can please endure and
forgive my "slightly too loud for the morning" enthusiasm
for a moment I have something cool to share with you.

First I should inform you of this

"emotional blackmail, flying monkeys and CPTSD" the next
interview with "whats wrong with Kris and Steve" will go out
live today at 12.10 pm Arizona MST time. Which is 20.10 pm
UK time.

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=5KkB2&m=3k2QqqX4pbcNF_R&b=ok9YUGmIrcrfpDXiBWjG6g

If you want to listen to your favourite life coach spill the
beans on these spicy hot topics then feel free to tune in!

Now to the main reason for my email:

We MUST discuss the thorny issue of handling
communication with an abusive personality type that
because of circumstances outside your control you
simply can not get away from.

Yes, No Contact with them ever again would be
the ideal solution, but we do not, sadly, live in an ideal
reality, as evidenced by the current (unacceptable) lack of
unicorns and/or dragons.

I will be releasing a proper tutorial on handling contact
with a narcissistic personality type soon, but lets get
through some top tips that you can start using today.

1. Snake Handling Gloves

Have you ever seen the way pro snake handlers handle really
venomous snakes? They have all kinds of funky looking
equipment they use and they TAKE ALL NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS SERIOUSLY.

They take their task very seriously.
In doing so they alter their emotional state.
You may or may not know that I am a self protection
instructor of the combative martial arts variety. One of my
areas of specialty is the psychology of self protection so I
know all too well just how important it is to train the
emotions and mind as well as the physical body to handle
violence.

One of the things I would focus on is "state management".

One would hope that a SWAT team member is in a different
emotional and psychological space, smashing down the front
door of a crack den than he is at the dinner table? The pro
snake handler doesn't handle a highly venomous snake whilst
chatting on his mobile with the other hand and chewing a
sandwich.
Well he might, but he wouldn't live very long!

The risk of getting it wrong would be an agonising death so
he: changes state and pays attention.
Do not approach communication with a narcissist in a slack,
off the cuff, impulsive way. Yes, they will do their best to
get you to relax, that's their game plan, but don't.
Use a different mindset and HANDLE them with as much
emotional distance as you can.

When they call, take a breath, mentally put on them thick,
fang and venom resistant gloves, switch your awareness level
to "present moment Zen" and be as detached as a surgeon.

2. Start With The End In Mind

This is a rule not just for handling snakey narcissistic
types but for life. Have a clear objective in your mind and
stick to it. Many people, places, things and bizzare
eventualities may unfold seeking to knock you off your
objective but your success in life will be proportionate to
your dogged determination to stick to the plan and focus on
the end goal, ignoring all else.

Like a pitbull. Be stubborn. Bite down on the objective.
Dont let go.

When I teach self protection, I call the mindset needed to
survive a violent confrontation, an attitude of tenacious
resolve.
The abusive personality type is a black belt in
discombobulation, prevarication, equivocation, garbling,
shucking and jiving, quibbling, sidestepping and fudging
with a good working knowledge of the subtle art of the flip
flop, the reversal, the deadly art of reframe-jitsu and the
kung fu master of "no matter what its your fault and I'm the
victim here".

Do not fall prey to the knavish, quarrelsome strategies of
the swindler-villain.

Instead start with the end in mind and stick to your
objectives without getting pulled into the emotional
poop-puddle they seek to wrestle you into to distract you
from your true purpose.

Stay stoic. Laconic. Cool. Focussed.

This will take discipline and impulse control. But its well
worth it as it deprives them of the emotional oxygen they
need from your distress.



3. Abandon Sincere Communication When Communicating With The
Insincere

Like a ninja dropping a smoke bomb to stealthily mask her
timely escape the abusive personality knows that distraction
is key to an effective strategy. If you analyse the
communication with a new pair of glasses on, glasses that
only let you see the one frequency of emotional
manipulation, you will see things differently.

With your new specs it will be clear that they are almost
never really talking about what they seem to be talking
about and are just engaging in a series of provocations to
foster certain emotional reactions in the people around
them.

Ready for another martial arts lesson?
Here we go:

FOCUS ON CONTEXT NOT CONTENT.

Whilst you bravely and sincerely try to deal with the
content of the reaction-seeking gibberish they have vomited
your way they are relishing in the context of your emotional
upset.

The content is what they are saying the context is your
emotional state.

If they can not alter it, they cant win.

mmmm, looks like this "state management" thing might be
pretty critical eh?

Ok thats enough from me for now.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers!

[Salsera]

I have been thinking about this thread and I got an email over the weekend from SpartanLifeCoach called 3 tips for handling communication with an abusive personality type:


Sorry to disturb you on a Saturday morning, but Im on the
4th day of an overdue caffeine fast (15 years of non stop
coffee, my poor brain) and its the first day I feel
non-foggy and all inspired n stuff so if you can please endure and
forgive my "slightly too loud for the morning" enthusiasm
for a moment I have something cool to share with you.

First I should inform you of this

"emotional blackmail, flying monkeys and CPTSD" the next
interview with "whats wrong with Kris and Steve" will go out
live today at 12.10 pm Arizona MST time. Which is 20.10 pm
UK time.

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=5KkB2&m=3k2QqqX4pbcNF_R&b=ok9YUGmIrcrfpDXiBWjG6g

If you want to listen to your favourite life coach spill the
beans on these spicy hot topics then feel free to tune in!

Now to the main reason for my email:

We MUST discuss the thorny issue of handling
communication with an abusive personality type that
because of circumstances outside your control you
simply can not get away from.

Yes, No Contact with them ever again would be
the ideal solution, but we do not, sadly, live in an ideal
reality, as evidenced by the current (unacceptable) lack of
unicorns and/or dragons.

I will be releasing a proper tutorial on handling contact
with a narcissistic personality type soon, but lets get
through some top tips that you can start using today.

1. Snake Handling Gloves

Have you ever seen the way pro snake handlers handle really
venomous snakes? They have all kinds of funky looking
equipment they use and they TAKE ALL NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS SERIOUSLY.

They take their task very seriously.
In doing so they alter their emotional state.
You may or may not know that I am a self protection
instructor of the combative martial arts variety. One of my
areas of specialty is the psychology of self protection so I
know all too well just how important it is to train the
emotions and mind as well as the physical body to handle
violence.

One of the things I would focus on is "state management".

One would hope that a SWAT team member is in a different
emotional and psychological space, smashing down the front
door of a crack den than he is at the dinner table? The pro
snake handler doesn't handle a highly venomous snake whilst
chatting on his mobile with the other hand and chewing a
sandwich.
Well he might, but he wouldn't live very long!

The risk of getting it wrong would be an agonising death so
he: changes state and pays attention.
Do not approach communication with a narcissist in a slack,
off the cuff, impulsive way. Yes, they will do their best to
get you to relax, that's their game plan, but don't.
Use a different mindset and HANDLE them with as much
emotional distance as you can.

When they call, take a breath, mentally put on them thick,
fang and venom resistant gloves, switch your awareness level
to "present moment Zen" and be as detached as a surgeon.

2. Start With The End In Mind

This is a rule not just for handling snakey narcissistic
types but for life. Have a clear objective in your mind and
stick to it. Many people, places, things and bizzare
eventualities may unfold seeking to knock you off your
objective but your success in life will be proportionate to
your dogged determination to stick to the plan and focus on
the end goal, ignoring all else.

Like a pitbull. Be stubborn. Bite down on the objective.
Dont let go.

When I teach self protection, I call the mindset needed to
survive a violent confrontation, an attitude of tenacious
resolve.
The abusive personality type is a black belt in
discombobulation, prevarication, equivocation, garbling,
shucking and jiving, quibbling, sidestepping and fudging
with a good working knowledge of the subtle art of the flip
flop, the reversal, the deadly art of reframe-jitsu and the
kung fu master of "no matter what its your fault and I'm the
victim here".

Do not fall prey to the knavish, quarrelsome strategies of
the swindler-villain.

Instead start with the end in mind and stick to your
objectives without getting pulled into the emotional
poop-puddle they seek to wrestle you into to distract you
from your true purpose.

Stay stoic. Laconic. Cool. Focussed.

This will take discipline and impulse control. But its well
worth it as it deprives them of the emotional oxygen they
need from your distress.



3. Abandon Sincere Communication When Communicating With The
Insincere

Like a ninja dropping a smoke bomb to stealthily mask her
timely escape the abusive personality knows that distraction
is key to an effective strategy. If you analyse the
communication with a new pair of glasses on, glasses that
only let you see the one frequency of emotional
manipulation, you will see things differently.

With your new specs it will be clear that they are almost
never really talking about what they seem to be talking
about and are just engaging in a series of provocations to
foster certain emotional reactions in the people around
them.

Ready for another martial arts lesson?
Here we go:

FOCUS ON CONTEXT NOT CONTENT.

Whilst you bravely and sincerely try to deal with the
content of the reaction-seeking gibberish they have vomited
your way they are relishing in the context of your emotional
upset.

The content is what they are saying the context is your
emotional state.

If they can not alter it, they cant win.

mmmm, looks like this "state management" thing might be
pretty critical eh?

Ok thats enough from me for now.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers!

Excellent post, KayFly! Thank you.

[KayFly]

Happy it helped! These are great tools for people like us coming from abusive/unsafe environments.

Cheers!