Does anyone feel like people are ALWAYS mad at you?

[stillhere]

I have a similar problem with compliments, Mary Ann. 

In my current line of work, it's sometimes a problem.  I'm expected to do some self-promoting, and I just can't.  I hate it.  I don't mind promoting other people's accomplishments, but drawing attention to myself makes me more than a little uneasy.  I do public speaking -- and do -- without anxiety.  But I tell myself it's about the message, not about me.

I've asked myself why, off and on.  Perhaps I fear morphing into a version of my narcissistic abuser?  Perhaps I fear that attention will somehow allow her to undermine anything I do? 

I've not worked it out (yet). 

[arpy1]

the compliments thing reminds me of some really good advice i had from a bpd friend who learnt this in DBT:

whenever they got a compliment they had to practise not dissing it, but hearing the person out and then simply saying,'thank you..name ...that means a lot' and then resisting the temptation to say anything else. that is so hard   to do.

i also realised tho, how validating it is for me,  if i say a nice thing about a person and they just thank me for it and don't do all the 'oh, no, you can't possibly mean it, who me?...' stuff that makes it almost turn into an argument.  so actually i guess it's important for me to learn to receive with grace what is given with grace.

[stillhere]

I think that's good advice from DBT, Arpy1.  I try to do something like that, if only because the "oh, no, you can't mean me" response really does sound offensive.  But I'm still uncomfortable.  I think compliments make me feel vulnerable, as if I'm being set up to be taken down.  Small wonder:  that's part of the abuser's repertoire.  So if I take myself down or at least avoid being set up, I'm a little safer.

[arpy1]

yep, same here,  i get that. it is really hard.

[serkinglight]

I was watching some Youtube vids last night and came across this interview with Rick Hanson that addresses the question of taking in compliments in a nourishing way.
What does it mean to "take" a compliment, anyway?? Until now, I guess I just considered it a matter of thanking the person complimenting you rather than denying what s/he says. It didn't occur to me that you could actually reap some soul-enriching benefit from being complimented...and that reaping these benefits is an ability you can cultivate.

https://youtu.be/BJR3LknDV1o

[Dutch Uncle]

Rick Hanson  I actually have a subscription to his newsletters. I should could read them more diligently  .
I'll watch the vid. Tanks for posting.
Edited to add: awesome vid. Rick Hanson is great. He really offers excellent 'baby steps'.

For me the problem with taking compliments stems, I think, from the fact that:
1) I hardly ever got one when growing up. So how was I supposed to learn to take one, when they were never offered?
2) I hardly ever got one from my FOO when an adult. See 1).
3) If I ever got one, it was either followed by a put down soon after, (could be the next sentence that was uttered) or I had just had a put down, after which the compliment was more like a 'fauxpology'. So like Stillhere said, "I'm being set up to be taken down".

So yeah, I have a hard time receiving compliments. I even dropped out of my MA after I received two A's. Simply couldn't handle it, and the study adviser who tried to pull me through could repeat a 100 times that "A's are not being hand out like candy here, Uncle.", I simply froze for the next assignments. Couldn't 'believe it', no matter how hard my cognition pleaded with me: "take it! It's true! Of course it's true! You'll breeze through it all! You've got A's!"

[tired]

compliments make me anxious but if theyre specific i believe them and i get super motivated

[susie777]

Oh, blergh, I reckon I ask my partner about three times a week if he's angry with me.  And out of the 37 million times I've asked him, about three times he's said yes, and then we've gone on to have a measured discussion about his anger and it's been fine.

But that still doesn't stop me at the moment (I'm severely relapsed when it comes to being triggered) from wondering constantly. Just last night he appeared to be down and wasn't talking much and I said, "Are you angry?" even though a part of me was standing with hands on hips and saying, "Come on, Susie, you know he's not angry with you. Don't give in to the catastrophising."  But I did, and of course no, he wasn't angry with me.  Bleck.

Re compliments, I feel like I'm getting better at accepting them.  I decided a decade or so ago to learn to graciously accept them and say Thanks even though part of me was clamouring and scrabbling on the inside of my guts. 

It's so hard to stay afloat above all of the old voices and the terror and the catastrophising.  I am totally fed up with the fight today.