I messed up, and I'm having anxiety about it (Could be triggering)

[Widdiful Falling]

This story is going to involve (legal) substance abuse, sexual overtones, and bad choices.



I got stupidly drunk last night. I mean, full-on blackout, telling strangers I love you, "this bar is the greatest place in the world! WOOHOO!!" drunk. I was with a couple friends, and having a good time, when I guess (I don't remember) I decided to kiss one of them (we'll call him D), because I thought he was adorable. I'm in a long-term relationship with someone else, though.  D and my other friend walked me home, and (I remember this part) I was hanging on to D for balance while I walked, and he groped me. I was too drunk to care at the time, but in the morning, I messaged him to let him know that I'm not okay with him touching me like that. That's when he told me I kissed him.

I told my bf what happened, and he said he doesn't care. He brought it up again later in the day, though, at an odd time, which makes me think he's lying. We have a pretty open relationship, in all honesty, but we always discuss it first if we're going to do something sexual with a different partner.

I feel super guilty, ashamed, and anxious about the whole thing. I'm having a small panic attack just thinking about it. What if my bf is lying to me about not caring? What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me? I feel really bad for confusing D, too. Despite my open relationship, and that it was only a kiss, I feel like a tart; like wanting to kiss someone I'm not in a relationship with is bad.

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh dear. You got drunk and now you have a (mental) hangover. Is that it?

What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me?

Is that the scariest thought? I would get anxious from that thought...
I think your BF does care, for all the good reasons. Possibly he meant "It's no big deal" when he said "I don't care".

You slipped. But it sounds like today you're already back on your feet.

I wish all will turn out well!

non-groping 
(well, the non-groping goes without saying, but for once I thought I'd spell it out.)

[Widdiful Falling]

Yeah, mental hangover about sums it up.

I don't have much experience dealing with relationships. From what I have experienced, "it's no big deal" isn't how a slip up like that is dealt with. I expected a jealous response. I was prepared to deal with anger, resentment, disappointment, or even the loss of my relationship. In what little personal experience I have, I'm used to having to walk on eggshells. I guess, though, after 5 years of building trust and respect, to throw it all out like that would be strange.

What if he really doesn't care, and the reason is because he doesn't care about me?

Is that the scariest thought? I would get anxious from that thought...
I think your BF does care, for all the good reasons. Possibly he meant "It's no big deal" when he said "I don't care".

Yes, that is absolutely the scariest thought in the world right now. And, honestly, it's not fair to the man I love. He doesn't deserve to have his love and care constantly in question, after he's proven it time and again. He deserves someone who can trust him. After the life I've led, it's hard for me to give him that trust, though. I'm working on it.

[Dutch Uncle]

I don't have much experience dealing with relationships.

I'm a 15 year long bachelor after three 'failed' ones. So I'm not exactly the on-board expert. 

[Widdiful Falling]

I'm a 15 year long bachelor after three 'failed' ones. So I'm not exactly the on-board expert. 

Even though they failed, you gained experience from each one. Things to watch out for, things you wouldn't do again, and you can take a sampling of the interactions you had, and know roughly what to expect from a romantic partner. The person I'm with is the first person I have ever loved romantically. I never dated as a teenager because life got in the way. I'm a very private person. I don't talk much about anything, let alone something that makes me feel as vulnerable as my relationship. I don't have friends who have much experience, even in failed relationships. My uPDM basically told me that men are all * and whores who will take advantage of me, have their way, and then leave me. I never had anyone to help answer relationship questions. I've had to blindly grope my way through this whole thing, and it is exhausting.

I don't mean to rant. What you said threw into perspective just how far behind I am, and how hard I've had to try to catch up, and it makes me feel like a failure that I haven't made as much progress as I'd like. It gets easier, and it's mostly a forward journey, but it's disheartening not to have what so many people take for granted.

[Dutch Uncle]

My uPDM basically told me that men are all * and whores who will take advantage of me, have their way, and then leave me.

What I've learned is the line between jealousy and letting each other 'free' is a thin one.
And you described it perfectly: no partner wants their partner to "not care" (at all) if they are 'involved' with someone else.
I think somehow the clue is to make sure/feel sure you're #1, and you're partner is #1. Then there is space for both to have also #2's.
To what level 'involvement' with a #2 can have is personal.
But I'm sure a little jealousy is healthy, and one should always have the feeling they can at least make their partner jealous. But then again you want to be 'free' as well, so the line is thin.

I hope your anxiety will die down. And I have the feeling that since BF brought it up later, he is at least considering if he is jealous or not . Maybe he is contemplating if what happened yesterday is in the realm of 'freedom', or if you crossed a line and he needs to address it.

Take care!