New member old story

[steamy]

Hi all, 
I am not sure where to begin. I have just in the past few weeks realised that I have cptsd, I was in therapy about 6 years ago, my therapist at the time was a great guy, told me I had PTSD but at the time I considered it to be like PTSD from the military, I served 12 years without much in the way of trauma, but was shot and wounded in Cambodia in 2003, so saw my therapy as a cumulation of traumatic incidents particularly from aggressive and psychologically abuse parents. I come from a long line of war veterans who all seemed to have survived world wars but functioned relatively poorly when they were demobbed, I firmly believe that we pass on PTSD to our kids as a way of cleansing ourselves. After about 18 months I discharged myself from therapy feeling that I had come as far as I could go at that time.

In the half dozen years since, I have had as many jobs. I work in a very small profession  in the physical rehabilitation sector where everybody knows you or of you, I have resorted to working in other countries so rarely see my family. I have been fired a few times but things have never really worked out since I left the military in 1996. I have come to the point where I my work is so intermittent that I am considering bankruptcy, I have almost lost hope out having a normal life where we can afford a car and accumulate some savings.

I have a 2 year old son and realised that I have been projecting my own inner hurt child onto him. Things came to a head when my partner decided to leave him for a week with grandparents. He was fine but all my abandonment issues came out in a massive flashback. I accused her of being neglectful. Luckily I at least could understand what had happened and was able to explain myself to her.

In the past my partners have been less tolerant and really could not understand why I was the way I am.

It is so frustrating to feel so impaired and not be able to tell anybody about why I do certain things, while society is just getting to grips with people with physical disability we are still a lifetime away from giving the same respect to people with metal illness. All the gurus tell us to abandon negative people, negative people are also suffering, so abandonment is like leaving your brother with no legs to walk home. From robin skinner and john cleeses fabulous book, "life and how to survive it", mental health is like physical health: 2% of the population are supremely fit and healthy, 2% are pathologically ill and the rest of us sit somewhere on a gradient between the two points. Forgive us for we know not what we do.

Ironically I bought Pete walker's book back in June, i also did some online cognitive courses, i an not sure why, perhaps my inner self was telling me to get moving again.

Yesterday I had a disastrous job interview where I self sabotaged my chances of having a great job where I would be able to spend more time at home. I noticed the change in atmosphere in the room and  afterwards felt awful, with thoughts of having had enough of struggling when everybody else is doing so well, usual thoughts about if life is really worth all the effort. but it was not until I woke up this morning that I realised what I did and what I could have said. I am now filled with self recrimination and guilt although a small inner voice is telling me that I did my best within my capacity and all is not lost.

At the age of 48 I am still trying to reinvent myself, to find a place to work that is supportive and nurturing, I feel like I need to be rescued, apparently its one of the symptoms of cptsd. I remember as a small kid praying to a deaf and blind God for help that never materialised.  I can't help but think that surely at my stage of life I should be the nurturer. Yesterday I concluded that all of my nurturing must come from within, that's a big task.

I am looking forward to participating in the group but am a little concerned that it might simply be a forum where everybody says something like "well if you think you had it bad, my story is worse,"

Love and best wishes to all

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome steamy. 

I am looking forward to participating in the group but am a little concerned that it might simply be a forum where everybody says something like "well if you think you had it bad, my story is worse,"

Nah... I don't think so. It's not been my experience, for sure.
I sometimes think: "I thought I had it bad..." But that's equally devaluating, so we do our best to steer clear from any judgement. Whatever it is, it is as hard for anybody.

So, thanks for your introduction, and sharing your story with us.
It's quite a lot you have on your plate, and I salute you for taking the effort to 'take it on'.

I served 12 years without much in the way of trauma, but was shot and wounded in Cambodia in 2003,

Traumatizing enough, I'd say. I experienced a short and small war as a civilian, didn't suffer any bodily harm, but I suspect it has had a bigger impact than I realize. Bombs fell close enough to see the dust-clouds, social life was severely disrupted, I was trapped and couldn't flee... So i made the best of it... Survival mode... I can relate.

I have a 2 year old son and realised that I have been projecting my own inner hurt child onto him. Things came to a head when my partner decided to leave him for a week with grandparents. He was fine but all my abandonment issues came out in a massive flashback. I accused her of being neglectful. Luckily I at least could understand what had happened and was able to explain myself to her.
In the past my partners have been less tolerant and really could not understand why I was the way I am.

I love this bit. Kudos to you. 

Yesterday I had a disastrous job interview [...] but it was not until I woke up this morning that I realised what I did and what I could have said. I am now filled with self recrimination and guilt although a small inner voice is telling me that I did my best within my capacity and all is not lost.

You bet all is not lost.
I'm sorry to hear about the interview and your struggles with employment. That's so hard.
And I'd like to amplify your small inner voice, if I may. 

Yesterday I concluded that all of my nurturing must come from within, that's a big task.

Join the club.
I hope and wish that you'll realize you will not have to do it alone.

See ya!

Dutch Uncle

[arpy1]

welcome, Steamy. just want to echo DutchUncle, and send you respect... you sound like you've had a really tough time of it.
if it's any reassurance, i haven't been here long, but what i have found is that people seem to be very non-judgmental, accepting perhaps that everyone's pain is their own, unique, and , well, painful...

hope you find a safe place here where you can share journeys with other people who 'get it'

[steamy]

Thanks for all the warm wishes and words of support.

The task seems so daunting and its frustrating and I have often found  when you think you have reached the end you just uncover more stuff about yourself.

[KayFly]

Hey Steamy,

Wow. What a plate you have in front of you! I laughed when you said

I am looking forward to participating in the group but am a little concerned that it might simply be a forum where everybody says something like "well if you think you had it bad, my story is worse,"

That bothers me SO MUCH! I'm somewhat new here too.  It's interesting to hear the different stories of how we all got here.

I want to say first, that I find you to be very self aware, I commend you for reaching out for help, and also its great you are reading Walkers book. I'm not done with it but I was reading it last night, and there was this part about how his inner critic was so strong when he had his son, that had he not fought the critic, it would have caused a major abandonment problem with his son. He had to fight through those thoughts in order to stay closer with him. And fighting through those thoughts, after all of the years of

Luckily, you are aware you are facing this, and so you can do something about it. And you sound like quite the motivated individual with all the cards you have been handed. You don't give up on the jobs. You won't give up on your child, and you don't give up on yourself no matter how hard it gets..

This is really hard work, especially coming from an abusive family and having these thought processes so deeply ingrained in us.

You are not alone.  There is a lot of just venting on the site, but there is also lots of active recovery, empathy and it has proven to be a safe place for me to learn and share about experiences and I have found lots of good feedback. Sometimes it can be very triggering, and I have to step away for awhile...

But you have shown so much perseverance in your path, and I also came from a family of abuse, my mother and father sexually abused me, physically and mentally/emotionally/spiritually, and a year ago I estranged myself from my entire birth family. I too have persevered through lots of abuse, during childhood, and after, and am not very focused on my recovery and making lots of progress.

The fact that you are doing so much work to be there for your son shows a lot about your character. Keep reminding yourself that you have good traits, you are enough, and I hope you feel a sense of belonging here.

Be well! Thank you for sharing your story!

[Kizzie]

I am looking forward to participating in the group but am a little concerned that it might simply be a forum where everybody says something like "well if you think you had it bad, my story is worse,"

First off, welcome to OOTS Steamy, so glad you found your way here. 

I also wanted to say that I think because we have all experienced soul bashing trauma we don't see much of the kind of thing you're concerned about.  Everyone here suffers from CPTSD and we all know the pain and fear no matter what the specific circumstances that led to us developing.  That tends to make us considerate, supportive and encouraging of each other more than anything.

I hope you find this a bit of a safe haven 

[Lifecrafting]

Hi Steamy,

I have been here for a month now and find this community to be supportive, encouraging and willing to share feelings/ideas/information with understanding and respect. It's a good place to be!

Welcome!

[steamy]

Thanks again everyone.

Kayfly I know that it takes great strength to completely divorce your self from your family, respect! I have done this a few times in the past, the first time was delayed when a friend lost both parents advised me against it. It did happen though and I didn't speak to anybody for 8 years,  only when my sister married and then when her husband tragically died did I go back and support them. However, they - my parents, will never change or acknowledge their mistakes, that does irritate me. One would think that they might be full of remorse, but I know that they are as much victims and survivors as I am, they live in a world of righteousness and denial.My mother seems to go in 7 year cycles, '87, '94, 2001, 2009 I went back so miussed the 2007 eruption but in 2014 she blew a hysterical gasket again just like old faithful :-D I am just lucky enough to be aware that I have been unable to fulfill my life potential and that I struggle to do what middle class people see as normal things, I don't want another generation of damaged people. 

[KayFly]

Thanks Steamy.

I totally understand that "delay" or being pulled back in to the family for different events and such.  It seems like I had been trying to divorce my family for a very long time, but one year ago, I finally did it.  The last time I saw my family was when my dad guilted me into a family Christmas by saying "this is probably going to be your grandfather's last Christmas"...like "he's going to die, and you're going to look like a bad person if you're not there." I fell for it for the last time. Not going back again, not for any reason, no deaths, nothin.

Strange about your mother's 7 year cycles.  I also believe my parents were victims at a point, but then they became abusive, and abuse is abuse. Not going to have it around me, or my children (if I ever have them). No matter how victimized they were at any given point, they still made decisions to be abusive...without thinking of the repercussions...maybe because they didn't know anything else...who knows...

I guess that's just the difference between me and them. I fight to maintain health, and expand my my mind, whereas they passed down their ill manners and abusive traits from the ancestors. Getting some sick pleasure out of hurting their children (I was molested by both parents so..)

Their Karma is not my problem anymore. I just try to stay focused on recovering from what was done to me.

Thank you for sharing, and listening. Glad you are here Steamy. 

[astronaut]

I am looking forward to participating in the group but am a little concerned that it might simply be a forum where everybody says something like "well if you think you had it bad, my story is worse,"

For me it's the reverse. Hearing other people's stories on here makes me feel like a whinging minny given how easy my life is, really

My daughter is 3, and I've been very affected by a free book given to every parent in our nursery called "Their name is today". It underlines how this very moment means everything to a child, as they are negotiating who they are in these most valuable years. It sounds like taken this sentiment on board and made it central to your choices which is the very best you can do as a parent. The fact you have insight makes all the difference. Even if you have difficulties a child can be led to understand that it isn't their fault, and maybe even learn something from you modelling the skills of self-soothing which everyone needs in their life.

In my view the most destructive thing in my daughter's parental triangle is Ex's denial of her mental health issues and it's the thing I'm most worried about from consequences when daughter develops her own independence of mind, or possibly sides with me on some issue and becomes the target for her mum's projection and reality distortion. That's because I don't think mum will ever be able to acknowledge or mitigate what she does given denial that she has mental health issues has become so core to her identity, so daughter will get it full-force and have nowhere to turn.

It's certainly a cruel principle with CPTSD when it seems each generation passes on the trauma while they're struggling with the consequences of their own parents' choices and you have the chance to break the chain. You're on the right track! It's taken a whole load of effort and presence of mind to get to the point you're at and it sounds like you have exactly the right momentum.

"If you're going through *, don't stop"